What should my son call my new husband?

MrsWilson2013 · February 2013

A little back story first. I got married to my first husband and had my son in 2006, things didn't work out with his father and we got divorced. A little while later down the line i met my current husband when my son was about 2 1/2. He has been in our lives for nearly 4 years now (the three of us have lived together for about 3 years) we got married this past September and got pregnant with my second and his first child shortly after. My son has always called him by his first name but now that we are married and have a baby on the way we think its time to change that. The last thing we want is for this LO to start calling her dad by his first name because her brother does. Any ideas?

XCrissCrossX · February 2013

I'm a lurker but that's a silly fear. My son calls me by my FN sometimes because the people around me use it (co-workers, siblings, ILs, etc.)... are you going to have everyone you talk to refer to you as "mom" and "dad" so your kids don't pick up on your FN?

jennipalmer · February 2013

Hi!!! I have seen you on July board!! It is difficult subject but is your sons father in the picture? I have joint custody with my ex and we are always very respectful that he is kids father not my DH. However, I do not get same respect from him only a month after dating he allowed my kids to call his now wife mom. No matter how much you may not like or disagree with an EX they are still the childs parent (in my case) It hurts so bad that they call her mom on their fathers encouragement. They have asked to call my DH dad also we declined

If the ex is never involved and has nothing to do with his child I feel someone who loves the child can step in.

Ilumine · February 2013

Unless your Ex husband has NO interaction with your son, HE is your son's father and your new husband is his stepfather.

You can find an alternative.

SaraSKC · February 2013

My stepson calls me by my first name. He has a mom. I love him and we have an important relationship but I would never disrespect his mother by asking him to call me Mom. I don't expect that to confuse my baby.

MarSamWhitney · February 2013

My SS calls me by my first name, and my DD has always called me mom because that is what I taught her. Its all up to you to teach the new LO what to say. I am also wondering if ex is in the picture.

karatechrissy · February 2013

Your fear is quite common. However, it is one that won't be an issue. Where is your son's bio father? Is he in the picture? If so, that is his name. Dad, Daddy, whatever. Your H is not that. While I'm sure your son loves him dearly, your H is not your sons 'dad'.

My step son has always called me 'hunnie'. He was 2 when I met him and have been in his life since. I got pg with my dd when SS was almost 4. My DD has always called me 'mommy' while her big brother calls me 'hunnie'. There have been a handful of times where my dd will call me 'hunnie' to be funny, but I ignore it, and she drops it quickly. My DD is now 2 and I have a 1 yo DS. He also calls me 'mommy' while he hears his big brother call me different.

Think of it as if you had a nephew or niece living with you. Surely you wouldn't expect them to start calling you 'mom' or 'dad' just because a new little one is on the way. There are many people in your life who call you by many different names. DId your son get in the habit of calling you 'Mary' when he only ever heard others refer to you as such? No. Because he knew you were his mommy. Your new child will refer to your H as 'daddy' and your son will continue to call him what he is comfortable with calling him. No child should ever be coached or have it suggested to them to call someone 'mom' or 'dad' because you think it will make your life easier.

Ilumine · February 2013

My son has always called him by his first name but now that we are married and have a baby on the way we think its time to change that. The last thing we want is for this LO to start calling her dad by his first name because her brother does

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

So does your current son call you by your first name because your mother, father, sister, brother, husband and friends call you that?

LoveActually4 · February 2013

My SKs refer to me as my name and DS calls me Mommy. There's no confusion. We are very matter of fact with blended family issues: when my son asks why it's different I will explain that SKs have a different Mommy but we're still all a big, happy family.

guilletskichuk · February 2013

karatechrissy:
Your fear is quite common. However, it is one that won't be an issue. Where is your son's bio father? Is he in the picture? If so, that is his name. Dad, Daddy, whatever. Your H is not that. While I'm sure your son loves him dearly, your H is not your sons 'dad'.
My step son has always called me 'hunnie'. He was 2 when I met him and have been in his life since. I got pg with my dd when SS was almost 4. My DD has always called me 'mommy' while her big brother calls me 'hunnie'. There have been a handful of times where my dd will call me 'hunnie' to be funny, but I ignore it, and she drops it quickly. My DD is now 2 and I have a 1 yo DS. He also calls me 'mommy' while he hears his big brother call me different.
Think of it as if you had a nephew or niece living with you. Surely you wouldn't expect them to start calling you 'mom' or 'dad' just because a new little one is on the way. There are many people in your life who call you by many different names. DId your son get in the habit of calling you 'Mary' when he only ever heard others refer to you as such? No. Because he knew you were his mommy. Your new child will refer to your H as 'daddy' and your son will continue to call him what he is comfortable with calling him. No child should ever be coached or have it suggested to them to call someone 'mom' or 'dad' because you think it will make your life easier.

Yes! I agree with all of this.

DH has been feeling the same way. He's afraid our LO won't know to call me mom because SKs call me by my first name. I don't think so though. I think our LO will know to call me mom/mommy because that is what we will teach him.

However, I think DH is used to the way things used to be with his ex. At her house, all of her kids were encouraged to call whatever man she was with "dad". When DH was with her she had 5 daughters from 4 different dads. A few of them were in the picture and a few were not. All of her daughters called my DH dad when they were together. It was an awkward situation when we would visit SKs at BM's house after DH and I met because BM's kids would hang out around us and they almost called DH "dad" a few times. It was just a weird situation.

Anyways, at one point DH asked if I wanted SKs to call me "mom" and I said no. I want them to call me whatever they feel comfortable calling me...whether it be my first name or a nickname they come up with. I especially feel this way because my own mother passed away 11 years ago. My parents had been together for 31 years before she died. My dad got remarried about 3 years later to a woman who had 5 kids. Most of her kids called my dad "dad". I felt weird about it (mind you, they didn't have any father figure in their lives at all). I could not fathom calling my step-mom "mom" though. Granted, I was 23 years old (while most of her kids were younger than me) and wasn't about to call a fellow adult that title after having called my own mom that for 20 years. My step-mom was a bit hurt that I wouldn't call her mom but I just couldn't do it. I didn't care. My dad was only with her for less than 4 years anyways. I never saw her as being a long-term fixture in my life.

So back to my current situation. DH once again brought up the idea of referring to me as "mom" around SKs after they started living with us 7 months ago so that they would get used to the term (knowing that we had a LO on the way). I asked him not to use it until the baby was born because I don't want SKs to feel pressured to call me that. I kind of feel weird about it too. I don't know why. I just don't want them to be forced to call me something they don't naturally feel comfortable calling me. DH says that he wants to refer to me as mom because HE doesn't want to get into the habit of calling me by my first name around LO (not that he does anyways, he always calls me sweet nicknames). I still don't really understand his reasoning but I've given up saying anything. If it makes him feel better about it and isn't putting pressure on SKs, then I don't care. I admit that I ALWAYS refer to him as "dad" to the kids...so I guess I can see his point.

I really don't think you should encourage your son to call YH dad though. If he starts calling YH dad on his own because he hears his new sibling eventually doing so, well, that's up to him. I know a ton of kids who have two moms and/or two dads. I don't agree with the PPs who say that if your son's BF is in the picture, then he is the only one who should be called "dad". If your son wants to eventually call YH "dad" because that's how HE sees him, then so be it. Just please don't force him to use that title (until or unless he is ready to).

happywife2b · February 2013

I had this dilemma with my daughter, who lives with a family member. Since her father is not at all involved in her life I gave permission for her to call the people taking care of her "mom" and "dad". I felt this would be healthiest for her and allow her to feel most normal in an abnormal living situation. However, if her father were at all involved I would not have given that consent. In addition, she is aware that I am her mother and that she now has two moms. This was presented to her as "you're so lucky and extra special that so many people love you," which has always made her feel very secure.

Edit: She started calling them mom and dad of her own volition. Out of respect for me they approached me about it and I told them it was fine.

MrsWilson2013 · February 2013

I feel this got really out of hand really quick. Please do not misunderstand me, i would never force my child to call my husband dad or daddy, he has a father who is involved in his life and that is his dad. I understand people around me will use my husbands name, and obviously myself having a 6.5 year old child i know from experience that will not effect the new LO from calling his father dad or daddy.

My point is simply that even without the new child coming into our lives i feel that my son should have a more proper term to call my husband seeing as he is a HUGE part of the decision making and general parenting. Its just my personal opinion that it be reflected when he refers to him, as a sign of respect.

I appreciate everyone's individual point of view, you are entitled to it. However this was not a question on opinions but simply a request for some alternative names/titles anyone in this situation might have come up with.

I normally only post in my birth month board and occasionally in the trimester board that i am currently in, but i felt this situation called for a specialized board. I would love to continue to interact here but am hesitant after the responses i have received for this post.

Please understand that i try not to take any one response too personally but then again this is MY family we are talking about then add in the pregnancy hormones and you can understand why i would be a little taken aback. I will try to word my posts more carefully in the future so as to not be mistaken in my intentions. Hope you ladies have a nice evening.

AcousticSunrise · February 2013

I have a 14 y/o SS and a 2 y/o DS. SS has always called me by my first name. When he talks to DS he'll call my Mama. As in "DS go see your Mama." or "Is that your mommy I hear coming down the hall?" Just like I call my mom Nana when I'm talking to DS. It's not an issue. He has always called me Mommy or Mama. Unless I'm ignoring him, then I get "Mama.... mama... FIRST NAME!!!" lol

2chatter · February 2013

I think FN is the best thing. I have two DDs. They call DH by his FN. I have a 1 yo DS. DS has never called his Dad anything but Daddy. The girls are old enough to say to DS "your Daddy is home!" instead of "FN is home!". It hasn't been an issue.

DD is five and, on her own, started calling DH "stepdaddy" some of the time. I think she sounds like a hillbilly when she says it, but we don't correct it. If anything, it makes us laugh a little. I prefer when she calls DH his FN.

kali55 · February 2013

My SDs call me "Mopje" It means darling girl in Dutch. I am sort of old school in that I don't think children should call adults by their first names, especially those in a parenting position. That being said, I think it's also important to respect the feelings of the biological parents. My SDs wanted to call me "Mama" but BM was not cool with it, so we found something that worked for all of us. I love that they call me "Mopje" and not "Mom" now that I am a mother myself. I'm not their Mother, I'm their step mother and along with the unique role I play in their lives, I have a unique name to go along with it.

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