Feeling slammed with memories

KatFCo · February 2013

For some reason, the last few days I've been thinking a lot of DD's birth and the months she was in the hospital. I started looking at pictures and just remembering that time. Most of the time it's a sweet memory because even though it was a hard time, everything turned out okay.

Then today, I was looking in a bin from storage for our babyproofing stuff and there was half a package of preemie diapers and the box of hospital memories. I felt like I'd been punched. I remember how tiny she was--DH's wedding ring fit around her arm with room to spare--and how scared we were.

Maybe it's just finally getting to be that time of the month, but I just want to cry right now. I need to go to bed, but I'm just sitting looking at her hospital pictures.

I know you ladies will understand. I realize my preemie is quite a bit older than most of yours. I don't want you to think it never gets better, though. But sometimes it is a bit hard.

Sunglow28 · February 2013

Feeling for you.

Tonight was the first time I looked at my photos from the birth. I had a terrible delivery and I don't remember much about that time, so it was painful and illuminating to have my husband tell me about the first time I "met" my babies - how I wish I remembered!

KatFCo · February 2013

CurlingRocks:
Been there a few times. A few months back, I reconnected with some old preemie friends and spent most of the following evening curled up in a ball in my bed crying and reminding myself that I'm not on bed rest, and DS is home and growing and ok. Maybe a check-in with your counselor will help. That helped me. GL!

I actually never saw a counselor. I think someday I should see one, but it'll probably have to wait until we have better insurance.

MinaE01 · February 2013

Hugs!! It's ok to have a good cry. I'm still a new preemie mom, so I'm not sure what's in store for my emotional health in the future. I still struggle with a roller coaster of emotions.

DrRx · February 2013

It was Adalyn's birthday this week, so this week has been filled with a lot of reflection. I looked at her pics and of our time in the NICU. I still can't believe how small she was. It's ok to feel those emotions. ((hugs))

Mrs. Alice · February 2013

((HUGS)) I still get those flashback memories from time to time. While they are getting less intense and less in frequency, they still hit me hard sometimes. Then I look at how far my boys have come and it makes me smile.

punky917 · February 2013

I completely understand how you feel! DS is now 4.5 years old and most of the time, I feel so far removed from all of the preemie stuff. But there are definitely moments when I feel like I am still going to break down (hearing certain songs, looking at hospital pictures, etc.) Every time I see his eye that lost vision from ROP, I always cringe and think to myself, "I did that to him." I try to not look at his "bad" eye for that reason. Actually, I just started tearing up as I wrote that...

This is probably why I still feel really comfortable on this message board. I can relate to most posts and I want to give reassurance like I received as I was going through the rough times at the beginning. Hugs to you!

thishappyhouse · February 2013

hugs. We are coming up on a year since discharge and the more I am engaged in the preemie community the more I realize that it isnt something that eventually goes away. Im sorry you are having a hard time, but Im so glad that you post here and give us newbies so much perspective and hope.

KatFCo · February 2013

thishappyhouse:
hugs. We are coming up on a year since discharge and the more I am engaged in the preemie community the more I realize that it isnt something that eventually goes away. Im sorry you are having a hard time, but Im so glad that you post here and give us newbies so much perspective and hope.

That's one of the reasons I still post, even though it's been over 5 years. It can be helpful to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for all the encouragement, ladies. I knew of anyone, you all would understand!

Lance'sgirl · February 2013

I'm so glad I found your post. My son is seven months old and I am struggling with my emotions more now than I did when he was in NICU. My son is doing so well considering how grim of a picture that was painted before my emergency c-section. He stayed for 23 days and going thru it then I was so strong but now I look back and just feel so sad about it all. I have a few girlfriends who have had babies recently as well and I'm envious of their experience with delivery. I get sad when I see pics with the new family sitting happily on the hospital bed with the new baby because we didn't get to do that.

I feel like I will never consider having another child because I don't think I could ever do that again. Its like I just had to deal with things when I was going through it and now that can actually talk about my feelings, people just think I should be over it by now and be happy with how well things turned out. I guess you just dont understand unless you've been a NICU parent

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