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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
Tell me I'm not a bad mom
I'm mostly a lurker, have learned a lot that way and even forgot what username I originally signed up as, so I just created a new one. I really need to vent right now and see if anyone has any advice for me, because I feel like I'm doing things wrong, but I don't really know how to fix it.
So my baby girl is almost 8 weeks old, and up until now has been EBF. We dealt with a lot of issues to get here, including tongue-tied & poor latch, overactive letdown, initially losing more than 10% of her initial weight (I pumped to supplement, never had to use formula), etc. I thought things were going fine in the eating department now-- she's been growing fine, having enough wet/dirty diapers-- and our problems were just with her sleeping. Since about 5 weeks, it has been a nightmare getting her to sleep at night. I thought it was colic, or just the common fussiness a lot of babies that age seem to go through in the evening. Well last week she finally stopped crying for hours in the evening, but she was still SO hard to get to sleep. She would seem asleep, then just keep waking up over and over. Even would I would finally get her to sleep, she would sleep for maybe 2 hours her initial stretch, then wake up at least every hour after that. I would feed her, she would seem satisfied, pop off the breast, drift off to sleep, only to wake up about an hour later. Obviously I'm exhausted.
I never really connected it to her eating, I always thought she was getting enough, and was just a bad sleeper, but last night we had another few hours of nonstop crying and unable to sleep. She'd eaten what seemed like enough, but nothing was working to calm her down for more than a few minutes. So I tried putting her back on the breast, but even though she would latch on eagerly, she'd pop right back off and keep crying. I thought maybe she just wanted to suck, but didn't want the milk (sometimes that seems to work, even though she still won't sleep for long), nope she got even angrier when I tried giving her my finger or a pacifier. Finally, in desperation, I mixed up a bottle of formula (I'd been sent a few cases from companies and had kept "just in case"), and as soon as she figured out what I was offering her, she ate like I hadn't fed her all day. She ate the whole bottle I mixed up, and another half after that, even though she'd fed at the breast not more than half an hour before. She was a little fussy after (I think just overtired from crying for so long), but fell asleep pretty quickly. Boy, did I feel like a crappy mom then, have her problems falling asleep all this time been because she wasn't full and not anything to do with her being a bad sleeper? She only woke up twice last night after that, the first time I'm sure had more to do with the dog deciding to bark right next to her, because after a very quick nursing session, she fell back into a deep sleep.
Now, I'm so confused what I should do. I didn't think I had a slow milk flow, that might cause her to quit or get tired before she was full. Any time I hand express, I can instantly get milk to come out, in fact I still have problems time to time with too much coming out and she gets upset about that. I don't think it's what I'm eating, the one time I ate something too spicy I could tell that bothered her, and she's never acted the same way any other time. Now that I think about it, it seems like she eats a LOT during the day too, more than the every 2 hours they say for a BF baby, unless she's in a deep nap) and never for long at a time. I thought it was maybe because she was getting more efficient at nursing + eating more often because she's growing, but it's been like this for quite awhile. I've hardly given her a bottle since the pedi gave the ok that I didn't have to keep supplementing because I HATED pumping and it would always be in fridge too long to use before I'd have opportunity to. I have a few bags frozen in freezer but obviously those are inconvenient when she's hungry NOW.
Sorry for the long ramble. I realize I should probably ask her pedi about it, but I feel like such a clueless FTM, I'm not even sure what specifically I'm asking or what to do about it. Is it possible to supplement w/ formula at night & nurse during the day? ( I realize this would probably mean pumping to keep supply up). Or with how hungry she seems all the time despite frequent nursing, is formula better for us right now period? The idea of not being the one who has to feed her 100% of the time and not really getting a break EVER definitely sounds amazing right now. But at the same time, we already worked through so many issues because I wanted to BF so bad and I feel awful at the thought of giving it up now. I realize her dr is probably better to answer those specific questions, but if anyone has had similar experiences, or at least some encouragement I could use it right now. Can you tell I'm still very emotional and sleep-deprived!
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Re: Tell me I'm not a bad mom
First of all, you are NOT a bad Mom. I could have written this post myself with both kids. Especially at night when you're exhausted and they just keep crying and rooting around, and you feel like there is absolutely nothing left to BF them but you keep feeding because you want your supply to match their needs...then you give them a bottle of formula and they fall right to sleep. I cried when we had to give my DS formula. I felt like a total failure. We did eventually go to EBF after a few months and nursed until he was 11 months ( he preferred the portability of the bottle and I wanted my body back). It was helpful that he was so flexible with feeding methods and not a full on boob snob so to speak.
With DD, we started having the same type of issue and we supplement one bottle of formula or breast milk almost daily. I found that when I quit taking Fenugreek, her fussiness at night was reduced significantly.
I think it has to do a little bit with nursing being so soothing that they dose off without getting full. A bottle here and there is fine, breast milk or formula. Keep nursing and pumping when you can, don't feel guilty about not being an EBF. The important thing is for baby to be fed, and both Mommy and baby to sleep!
I think you know the answer. You are not a bad mom for offering your child formula when you were at the end of your rope. She ate it, enjoyed it, and slept well. Don't beat yourself up! I did the same thing with my son--but mine was probably "worse" in your eyes, bc I only tried breastfeeding for like 3 days. It wasn't for me. My son thrived on formula (wal mart brand no less) and got his first real illness with a fever at 16 months old.
Do what is best for your child and you! Why pump if you hate it? A whole generation of folks born in the 50s grew up on formula when BF went out of vogue, and its ok!
I think we put a lot of this pressure on ourselves. 10 years from now when your kid is in 4th grade, will you need to justify this decision and mention whether or not you BF or FF when you accompany your kid on a field trip? I think not.
It seems life changing now, but the infant times go so fast. Enjoy this time with your baby, and do what is easier for you and what fills her up. Formula is not the devil.
Thanks for the encouragement, it does mean a lot. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself because it feels like I gave up, even though I know that's totally irrational. (I told you, I've been seriously sleep deprived).
And FTR, I definitely don't think formula is the devil or look down my nose at moms who FF, I'm sorry if my initial post came across that way. I just feel like total shiit looking back at all those nights she couldnt sleep if the problem the whole time was that she was still hungry. Especially because we worked so hard to BF & already went through a lot of tears the first few weeks and I though we were past all those issues.
Hey you know what? Being a mom is hard but you figured out now that she may have been hungry! Now you know. Its ok.
Here's a story: My mom tried to BF me. She was a first time mom and I was a preemie. She was feeding me all the time. Went back for a weight check, and our Korean pediatrician told her "Oh no, baby not getting enough food" in his heavy accent. She says she could have cut a hole in the floor and crawled in it she felt so terrible. So that story is in my family lore. (and I'm fine. Right? RIGHT? hahaha)
That is why I am overly defensive of formula! (I wasn't biting your head off on that.)
I say, we live and learn. You have learned that a full belly may help your child get over her sleeping issues.
Its not to say you were wrong in trying the BF. You have been doing your best. Its going to all be alright in the end. She will love you later when you tell her the story of how you tried to BF and then one day she guzzled down the formula. I promise! ***good internet vibes your way***
You are absolutely not a bad mom. I was really committed to breastfeeding before my daughter was born. So much so, that I was seriously angry when formula companies sent me samples a few weeks before I delivered, I didn't even want it in my house.
I took the BF class at the hospital, had the lactation consultant come to my room six times. By day three, my nipples were cracked and bleeding. I was biting my tongue and crying through feeding sessions it was so painful. Sessions in which my daughter wasn't getting anything.
At her first DR appointment, she'd lost almost a full pound. She'd spent the night before screaming for seven hours, nothing calmed or soothed her. Our doctor advised supplementing with formula, and almost immediately, she was a happy kid again. I would pump for hours and get .5 ounce, sometimes 1 ounce.
My daughter is now growing and thriving, and I look forward to cuddling with her while she eats. BF works for some women, and for some kids, formula is the right choice. Don't feel bad!
The same thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago. We breastfeed, but I do pump and give bottles some of the time too. She wouldn't take either the breast or pumped milk two nights in a row. When I finally gave he some formula, she did the exact same thing as your LO. I felt awful. I kept at the breast feeding and pumping though, and she is now back to normal. Who knows, it could have been something I ate that she didn't like.
Anyway, you are not a bad mom. You do what you gotta do sometimes. After our experience, we actually decided to start giving our LO a little formula each night mixed with pumped milk because it helps her to sleep so much better, meaning more sleep for me. A happy mom equals a happy baby!
Offering formula doesn't make you a bad mom at all! In fact i went through the same thing with my LO. He's 3 months now but at 1 month I had to quite breastfeeding. If i fed him breastmilk 1 hr later he was starving, but giving him a bottle of formula statisfied him for 3 -4 hrs.
Do what makes you comfortable. We chose to formula feed and we're on a 3-4 hr schedule now. It all depends on how your comfortable with your feeding. Good luck
Thanks to everyone for helping me a lot. Shortly after my last post, I managed to take a good 2 hour nap with her and felt much better after waking up.
I just want to reiterate because I was a emotional mess this morning when I posted and probably wasn't very clear, I didn't feel like a bad mom for giving her formula, but because I hadn't figured out for weeks why she couldn't sleep and was so fussy at night, and after all our struggles to BF successfully, I just wasn't sure where to go from here.
Tonight I was trying to nurse her again, she was fussing like she always does-- would eat for awhile, fall asleep, wake up in a few minutes crying, nurse for a second, pop off crying, repeat. So I gave her another bottle of formula. She seemed so relieved and happy afterward, no fussy. I decided to push my luck and take a shower. Any other night she would have been screaming at being left her in bouncer for even a few minutes, but every time I peeked out she was just happily looking around & sucking her fists. When I got out she started cooing at me and smiling. I about cried some more, it's like she's a whole new baby. I put her in her swing for a minute to brush my hair and when I came out, she was sleeping away even with lights and TV on. Clearly even though she had plenty of wet/dirty diapers, and gained weight just fine, she was not getting full enough or something was very wrong. I don't want to give up nursing entirely, but thanks for the support & I'm glad I have the option to supplement and make my baby so much happier.
Don't feel bad about it
I wanted to EBF for the first month of my daughters life and then slip into doing both and then go to just FF
Then when my daughter was four days old the home nurse came, weighed her and told me to start supplementing because she'd lost more than 10 of her birthweight
I was borderline hysterical
Breast feeding was not easy for me to do or work into. I had tried so hard and felt like a failure. After she was over her birthweight I tried to get back to EBF but, it was like starting all over again, plus I had that fear she'd start losing weight again
So I never stopped the formula, now she's all FF because I have to go back to work soon. And pumping was extremely painful and slow for me.
I understand I so do
In the end it wasn't any good for us both to be tired and frustrated, so the formula was the best thing for us. Do what is best for you, whatever that is. Your baby will be fine
Good Luck and remember to do what's best for you guys. The hardest part for me was letting go of the pressure to BF...