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Adoption
Gay man wants to adopt
Im new to this process and know it is a difficult process to begin with. To make it even more difficult, however, I am a gay man. It took me 25 years to learn to accept my sexual orientation and be OK with it. The hardest part of it has always been the fact that I would not be getting married and never have the opportunity to be a father. Over the last few years many gay couples have found ways to become parents and now I am hoping that mabey I may have a chance after all. I have posted to other sights and received answers strongly discouraging me from doing it for fear of ruining a child's life saying the child will be picked on for having two dads, and possibly "catch the gay" from me and we would both go to hell. There have been sever credible studies showing that children of gay couples do just fine. In most places and in my state of South Carolina, gay couples can not legally adopt. I would have to adopt as a single parent and my partner would be known as an additional care giver. We are ok with that part. So I need to find a woman who would agree to sign the baby over to me upon birth. I would also be ok with adopting an older child but prefer no older that 5 years old. I was 3 years old myself when I was adopted. My adopted parents both died when I was 28 years old so I was technicaly orphaned twice. It left me with a sense of lonliness even though I have been with my partner for 22 years. I know that there are lots of children out there who need a loving home. One reason I want to adopt is because I was in my life treated like a "step child" next to my parents natural born daughter who rarely calls me now. My mother adopted out of guilt for giving up a child a few years before and I did not alleviate her guilt. I want to give an adopted child what I was not given. To me not having a child is missing out on one of the greatest joys of life and I am sad every time I see a father interacting with his children. I am adopting for me but also for the child. I actually want two so the child is not an only child.
So if anyone has any information that would be of help in finding a potential birth mother and how to go about this process I would greatly appreciate it. Also please save any hate posts for someone else. Thanks
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Gay man wants to adopt
I don't think you'll get any hate from this board. I know there are plenty of agencies who are happy to work with same-sex couples. I'm working with one in Michigan -- it was recommended to me by a gay couple. They got chosen by a birth mom VERY quickly. I hope we do as well!
The FAQs at the top of the board will help, and I assume your first step will be to find a friendly agency and get a home study done. Good luck to you!
15 treatment cycles: four early m/c
Moving forward with domestic infant adoption!
Home study approved 5/13, now just waiting...
I would suggest doing a bit more research so you can determine if you would like to adopt domestically, adopt internationally or adopt from foster care. All of these are options if you are open to ages infant to three years.
Once you figure out which route you would prefer to pursue, then I'd recommend finding an agency to work with. I'm guessing that some are more gay-friendly than others- just like some are more Christian-friendly than others. So you'll just need to find one that not only accepts your lifestyle, but that you are comfortable working with. They should be able to help you start your journey with the paperwork and home inspections.
As a foster parent, I'd suggest at least considering adopting out of the foster care system. It isn't for everyone, but there are many deserving children who need loving homes. And since you mentioned wanting two children, you could even adopt a sibling set (both under 3) out of the foster care system.
This board is a wealth of information, so feel free to ask more questions as they come up.
I also just wanted to say that I've seen gay couples provide some of the most loving and stable homes for children. And remember opinions are like bellybuttons- everyone has one! Stick to your guns and do what is right for your family!
You won't find any HATE posts on this board. Welcome. You were provided some great information by the PP. A sibling group from foster care would be a great way for you to go if you are ok with not having an infant. Internationally there are many laws that may work against you, so I would suggest sticking with domestic adoption. GL and ask away any questions you may have. The women (and men) on this board are awesome and such a great wealth of knowledge.
Hi Shawn,
Queer chick here....
Adoption is readily available to queer couples in many states- as couples---SC is unfortunate in that loss. But there are also agencies that have garnered a reputation for the work that they do with gay and lesbian families.
I think you need to do some more research on the type of adoption you want to pursue. The notion that you "need to find a woman who would agree to sign the baby over to me upon birth" is a bit--- odd--- as many women here will tell you ---there are lots of states that have wait periods even post-placement before TPR (termination of parental rights) can be signed. In my state, that's 30 days after placement if I work with an agency, or 45 days if I work with an attorney.
So, figure out if you want to pursue adoption of an infant, or of an older child, and then if you want to do it through an agency or through an attorney...
Good luck!
I agree about deciding on the type of adoption, however international probably isn't the best option, from what I know. I don't believe any countries currently allow gay couples to adopt. You could lie but for the integrity of the programs I would suggest considering domestic instead.
In our county, they are actively recruiting gay foster and foster/adopt families. I can't tell you much about that because we chose an agency adoption. We had a relatively short wait chosen within 6 months... I was expecting a longer wait! and matched with a great couple with whom we have an amazing open adoption. We chose an agency because we had no interest in finding someone on our own.
I'll see if I can find some more resources specifically on LGBT adoption. In the meantime, have you read "The Kid"? It's Dan Savages story of adopting through an agency with his partner. It's mega potty mouth but if you are familiar with him from his columns you will know that! They adopted through an agency here in Portland, open adoption and family services. You can also take a look at that agency's website, or the agency we used, boys and girls aid, for some "inspiration"... Tons of gay dads on their sites in the "waiting families" section!
Hello, and welcome.
I don't have much to add to the posts above (I adopted two boys (separately) internationally), but wanted to welcome you to the board and say you should stick around. The FAQs at the top of the page are a great place to start. Other than that, if you have any questions or just want to join in, please post!
another gay adoptive parent weighing-in with encouragement!
My wife and I adopted a sib group of 3 from foster care (the oldest was 3.5 when he joined our family). We encountered absolutely no discrimination/hate/anything from the state, courts, or birthmom.
My kids' youngest sibling was just placed with 2 dads who have 2 previously adopted children.
its absolutely a possibility! sounds like you just need to figure out exactly what type of adoption is right for you (international will have the most barriers as a gay family).
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
Welcome!
I know our original agency has a fairly high number of same-sex couples adopt. They are based in LA but see clients from all over. Adopthelp dot com
Good luck! And stick around... we are a welcoming group of mostly women but come from all over the country and have varying views on life.
Another queer chick here....
We are just beginning our journey but I wanted to reach out with a "hello" and so glad to know you are starting your process. I hope others can be of help to you and that you find everything that you're looking for!
Welcome! I'm sorry to hear that you were discouraged from adopting on other boards. That is awful. I know that many agencies are available to choose from. There is a Yahoo group that speaks pretty openly about different agencies (PM me for the details if you want them). I just wanted to wish you good luck and hope you will stick around!
TTC since June 2009
01/10- Femara
03/10- Femara
07/2010- Clomid with injectables and IUI #1
08/2010- IUI #2
06/2011- IVF #1 BFP!
09/2011- Miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks
11/2011- FET
01/2012- Start Home Study process
03/2012- Home Study approved and now waiting on our child to find us!
07/2012- matched with a BM who is due in October!
11/10/12- our son is born!
11/13/12- court grants us custody!
12/28/12- finalization! Always ours in our hearts, but.now also ours forever
http://keepingupwiththejoneses-dana.blogspot.com/
Definitely stick around. I hope you are able to find an adoption that works for you. I am sorry that SC does not support adoption for gay couples, but I hope it can work out.
When agencies deny gay couples, I think it is such a loss for everyone involved. There are children who need homes.