Hi again and question

JuddandJessica · February 2013

Hi girls!

I posted on ttcal and pgal. Time to finally move over!

Jefferson Creed was born January 5th at 938 pm. 7 lbs 5.9 oz 21inches long. It was the easiest delivery I could have imagined so I was pretty thrilled.

My question is, how long were your hormones off the charts or at what point would you call it ppd? My pgal brain controlled my entire pregnancy and I realize now that I enjoyed very little. Even now, my pgal brain is so sure he's about to die. I find myself crying often thinking we just spent our last day together and I didn't make it memorable.

At the same time, I think I'm grieving my old life with DH. This transition has been very hard and I miss our old life together. Knowing we fought for Jefferson for so long makes me feel so sad that I miss not having him.

Do you gals feel like this?

Junebug060609 · February 2013

Congrats!

I didn't have a fear he'd die like you mention. The freak outs if he slept a little late, sure, but not like you described.

I did, however, have more of an adjustment to motherhood than I ever imagined. Suddenly even my most basic needs had to take a back seat. And, because I was bf'ing and a SAHM, I had times I was so resentful of DH. Especially when I was mega sleep deprived and he'd managed to get 8 hours ::in a row!:: of sleep. Hormones played into it some, as did sleep deprivation.

big_noise · February 2013

Congratulations, very happy to see you here. I'm glad your delivery went well. As for the way you are feeling, I am not yet there in terms of the home baby after loss, but I think it wouldn't hurt to call your Dr. and tell them how you've been feeling. Perhaps meeting with someone just to sort out your feelings will help you feel better. It is a hard transition to being a parent even without all the extra after-loss emotions. I ended up seeing someone during this pregnancy to help with some physical reactions to stress that were related to after-loss stuff and borderline PTSD with how awful the details of my mat. leave were at work last time. On top of not wanting to tell people b/c of our losses, I didn't want our volunteer leaders at work to know b/c it was such a nightmare last time. I went practically kicking and screaming to meet with someone after my OB gave me no choice (she had previously suggested it a few times while DH was in law school and working full time but I had politely declined). It's been very helpful. I've only gone 4 times but it's helped me re-focus.

I hope this helps. And, big hugs, and welcome again.

pb&fluff · February 2013

Congrats on your baby boy!!

My doctors said that if I still felt down after 2 weeks, that it could be PPD and I should come in and be seen. I haven't felt that way, but I can understand you fears. Have you considered calling your OB? Maybe they could also recommend a therapist that you could see about your fear of losing your son? If they can't recommend one, it might be a good idea to seek out one on your own. Just to have someone to talk to about this and to give you coping mechanisms.

mork · February 2013

Congrats, welcome, and hugs!

In terms of grieving your twosome, yes I feel the same. I love Ella and went through hell to get her here, but I miss the old DH and I. We actually just discussed it this morning and are going to work on it. We took Ella with us to dinner after she went to sleep a few weeks ago, and we plan on doing that again. We've also taken her to nfl games and movies in her carrier, and we plan on keeping that up. It's not the same, and it takes a lot more effort, but at least it's something. As for the million other things that have changed, it's ok to grieve.

katigox · February 2013

Congrats on Jefferson

I think it's understandable between hormones, anxiety from being an AL mama, and sleep deprivation to being feeling the way you do, but maybe check in with the doc, if anything to see if they can't help "get the edge off" a bit (not just medicine wise, but just talking it out, too?).

I definitely understand the worry about him dying though - I can get pretty emotional about my DS as well. I literally bought a Snuza just so I could sleep a little bit - and even then, I still check on him multiple times a night, scared to death he'll pass away from SIDS while I'm sleeping sound thinking everything's alright.

It's sad how much our losses have tainted our innocence (and ignorance), but we definitely can appreciate even the crazy, intense moments with our babies with patience and endurance.

As for DH, me and mine have just recently talked about this, too. Our favorite kind of dates were to go out to movies, but we've only gone out twice in three months, bc I'm too worried to leave DS for long, as well too nervous to bring DS along, in case he starts screaming and we waste money by getting kicked out without watching anything. Sigh. We are working on it though, and that's all you can really do Communicate, communicate, communicate (and when you think you can't communicate anymore, try just one more time ;D)

Good luck with everything

FreyaWin2382 · February 2013

First of all, congratulations on your little guy mama!

Second, big ((HUGS)) to you....I have been struggling too. I began seeing a psychologist a year ago following my second miscarriage, so I have been sure that I have kept going to those appointments because I was told that I was at an increased risk of PPD (traumatic birth, previous history of depression). FWIW, even though I love my son and went through heck to have him, I find myself missing the "old me"....I think that it's normal as, even though it is a happy change, a newborn is a HUGE change and shock to the system.

For me, talking to someone impartial has been a tremendous help. I say, if you are questioning it, call and go and see someone.

biochemgirl · February 2013

I had ppd with my DD and have it again with DS. It's much more intense this time. For me I struggle with feeling overwhelmed that he will never be on a schedule he's not even a month so i know a schedule is not realistic yet, that I suck b/c im not sure I always know his cries/cues, I feel scared/apprehensive about being home with him alone, I have to be obsessive/consumed about somethingwith my DD I thought I felt this way b/c I was always stressed with nursing that she was starving so we decided to FF DS but now I'm just consumed with worry that something is wrong with him. Unfortunately i cannot stop feeling this way b/c of the ppd.

With both DD and DS I have told DH we made a mistake having them but that feeling has been stronger this time. I spent days trying to figure out how we could give DS up for adoption and telling DH the only thing that would make me happy would be to go back to just DH, DD and I.

Lots of crying, lots of anxiety sometimes I feel like there is literally a huge weight on y shoulder and deep in my chest, and sometimes I think to myself that I wish a truck would hit me when I'm in the car alone!b/c I want to escape this situation. It's been very, very hard this time.

With DD I took Zoloft for a bit but spent her first year feeling bad most I the time. This time I'm seeing a therapist and am currently taking Zoloft but am exploring other Meds/doses with a psychiatrist b/c my current dose Of Zoloft prescribed by OB is not effective. I know that I can't do this on my own and don't want to have another year of feeling this way.

I know I sound like an *** who doesnt love my kids ive heard others with ppd say in the past they feel like they didnt want their kids and didn't get it at all, but now I know it's not a reflection on how you really feel but totally beyond your control, but I do. I keep reminding myself that this is due to a chemical imbalance, that I felt this way with DD and now she is the light of my life seeing her after preschool and kissing her up is the highlight of my day and words can never describe how much I love her, and that I've been through this before and can get through it again. Probably the biggest challenge is the feeling of hopelessnesson my bad days I feel like I will never feel better, that I will feel this way for the rest of my life and its really impossible ti see that this is temporary and will get better. PPD is a very, very tough road that I don't wish on anyone.

I suggest talking to your OB as a startit will probably relieve some of how you're feeling just talking to someone, plus, I think the further you get on this road before seeking help makes it that much harder to get past it. Good luck.

biochemgirl · February 2013

This is one tool doctors use to evaluate PPD. I think if you score over a 12 it's recommended you talk to a doctore. I think I scored 23 this time around :

https://www.fresno.ucsf.edu/pediatrics/downloads/edinburghscale.pdf

orangegoggles · February 2013

First of ((Hugs))

I think its definitely something you should talk to your doctor about and not wait. My doctor said if I was feeling that way after 2-3 weeks to give her a call. I do not have ppd but I am on the look out for it as I have a lot of risk factors including a family history of ppd. The one thing I learned was that if you do notice signs is to NOT wait. The sooner you get help, the better. A relative of mine let it go too long thinking it was normal and it became consuming and a lot harder to deal with.

As far as mourning your relationship, I understand. In the beginning it didn't bother me much but I was just recently thikning about how much things have changed. I feel as though we never see each other anymore. By the time H gets home from work, DS is having his hours long crying fest. By the time we soothe him we are both exhausted and often annoyed with each other. We go to bed and repeat. We have a couple of date nights lined up next week and I'm really excited for them. I want to start making more of an effort, especially because I miss "us".

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