Dads & Dads-to-be

Need perspective please

I am sorry to post here. I actually want advice.

My son has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS last summer. He is delayed in speech and has sensory issues.

Why is it so hard for men to accept a diagnosis for their own child?

I have told him that some of the things he says about our son is hurtful. He has mentioned he would leave me because of DS's special needs but doesn't because he loves me.

He has blamed me and my side of the family for our son's special needs but there is no evidence. Actually you cannot find out medically where PDD-NOS comes from genetically. He does not think he is to blame.

What would you guys do if you found out your child has special needs?

TIA

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Re: Need perspective please

  • I fully confess I had to look up what PDD-NOS is.

    In my "extensive" University of Wikipedia study on the subject, I can sort of see where accepting a diagnosis is challenging. Because it appears the only way to diagnosis is behavioral and there is no real "cure", it's much harder than a diagnosis of say strep throat or cancer.

    Your husband may be going through the typical stages of "grief", and is stuck somewhere between Denial and Anger. He's saying some hurtful things to you and and I hope he's not taking it out on your son.

    I am not a counselor, and I strongly urge you and your husband to reach out to existing PDD-NOS communities and seek professional help dealing with this diagnosis.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • Thank you for your response.

    It has just gotten to the point where our son can sense it from his father. Our son says I love you to everybody except my husband.

    My husband was thrilled when we found out we were having a boy four years ago. Now it is like he does not want to do anything with him. Family from both sides are wondering why he doesn't want to spend any time with our son.

    I have over 4 therapist for our son and one of those is a family therapist. And our son is attending a special needs preschool and a special needs daycare.

     

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  • He actually will not go to see the family therapist even though I invited him to come.
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  • imageSailor Saturn:

    Thank you for your response.

    It has just gotten to the point where our son can sense it from his father. Our son says I love you to everybody except my husband.

    My husband was thrilled when we found out we were having a boy four years ago. Now it is like he does not want to do anything with him. Family from both sides are wondering why he doesn't want to spend any time with our son.

    I have over 4 therapist for our son and one of those is a family therapist. And our son is attending a special needs preschool and a special needs daycare.

     

    This is seriously heartbreaking. As a (mostly) good father, it also makes me angry. I feel a lot of sorrow for your poor son.

    Your husband needs his own therapy, ASAP. Minimally he needs his own session with the family therapist. If he won't go, you may want to grant him his wish and kick him to the curb.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • imageSailor Saturn:
    He actually will not go to see the family therapist even though I invited him to come.

    Does he acknowledge how his actions are hurting his son?

    Because your son's feelings are involved, I think you need to be a lot more forceful than simply "asking".

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • My wife teaches kids with special needs and she has a special interest in the autistic spectrum.  I know enough to be dangerous so I'll throw out my 2 cents.

    In addition to what has been discussed above...

    Try to get your husband involved in a daily routine for your son.  Every day your husband could read to him or do something else every day.  Given that children with pdd-nos tend to hate change and struggle with displaying proper emotion, it could help your husband build a closer bond with your son.


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  • Thank you alll for the responses.

    I may have to talk to him and involve him more into the projects we have to do to make our son's life easier.

    I am sure he probably needs more time to get over it to grieve and be mad. I had to get over it quickly to get our son all the therapies and to be strong for our son because nobody else would help him if I gave up on him.

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  • I cannot accept the fact that a father would turn his back on his own son when he is going through something like this.  I had a birthfather turn his back on me when I was born, so perhaps a carry some baggage in this area.  However, my father never once turned his back on me at any point in my life, even through my very worst moments.

    A father's job is to provide love and support to his family.  It is not hard for a father to accept any illness or hardship that his child is going through.  It is hard for your man, but that is his own issue....alone. I certainly would be doing everything that I could for my child if such an illness should come into his life.

    Your man is being very, very selfish right now, living in his own disappointments of what he visualizes what he wants his son to be for him. That is a problem that you, as the mother of the child, need to step up and protect your son from, in the strongest of ways.  You are beyond the "ask" stage, and have entered into the more forceful stage. I have not seen any mention of if the two of you are married. Depending on that status, how you approach is will vary.

    I do know, however, that my wife would have already have snapped on me if I ever would treat my son like that during his time of need.  You need to tell your man to grown the F up, get over his own little ego, and start supporting and loving his son so he can feel safe and supported at home.

    Sorry, but your man sounds like a total loser right now.  Pouting around is not what a father does when he sees his child suffering.....he steps up and makes sure that his child feels all the love and support he can give. The time is now to provide his son with that unconditional love.

    And the blame game.....next time he pulls that out ask your man if he has ever grown up past his teen years.  Only a child would respond to this situation in that way. I can only imagine how frustrating that is! 

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