Invites for out of town guests

flerlgirl · February 2013

Need some thoughts from you if you don't mind. Most of my husband's family lives out of state. I'm having a baby shower in March and while I'd of course love for them to come I don't expect them to drive 12 hours for a shower.

So my question is, should I send them an invite? It seems like the obvious answer is yes but I don't want to make them feel obligated to attend or like I am expecting a gift even though I know they can't make it.

Thoughts?

MBush4 · February 2013

The majority of DH's family lives several states away. I completely understand when they send wedding invitations, but I do roll my eyes when I get shower invites. Especially if there is registry information on them. I mean, I don't know what their true intentions are, but it does feel like they're hinting at wanting something. Otherwise why send an invitation, you know?

flerlgirl · February 2013

MBush4:
The majority of DH's family lives several states away. I completely understand when they send wedding invitations, but I do roll my eyes when I get shower invites. Especially if there is registry information on them. I mean, I don't know what their true intentions are, but it does feel like they're hinting at wanting something. Otherwise why send an invitation, you know?

Yeah, that is what I'm wondering, too. I think I'm overthinking it. I just didn't want anyone to feel left out but maybe no one cares, haha.

MBush4 · February 2013

flerlgirl:

MBush4:
The majority of DH's family lives several states away. I completely understand when they send wedding invitations, but I do roll my eyes when I get shower invites. Especially if there is registry information on them. I mean, I don't know what their true intentions are, but it does feel like they're hinting at wanting something. Otherwise why send an invitation, you know?

Yeah, that is what I'm wondering, too. I think I'm overthinking it.

I mean, maybe I'm just a judgmental person (totally a possibilty there), but yeah, when it's obvious I wouldn't be able to go, unless it's for a big thing like a wedding, I often wonder, "why send an invite?"

Oh, and I love your convicted troll pic. Made me laugh out loud (literally) once I noticed it.

flerlgirl · February 2013

MandJS:
I only invited my mom and MIL from out of state. Your friends and family don't need an invitation to attend if they aren't local, nor do they need an invitation to send you a gift.

Thanks. This is a pretty small event and all 4 of my friends (kidding... kind of) are local. Only DH's family is out of state so I didn't want to be a jerkface.

flerlgirl · February 2013

MBush4:
flerlgirl:

MBush4:
The majority of DH's family lives several states away. I completely understand when they send wedding invitations, but I do roll my eyes when I get shower invites. Especially if there is registry information on them. I mean, I don't know what their true intentions are, but it does feel like they're hinting at wanting something. Otherwise why send an invitation, you know?

Yeah, that is what I'm wondering, too. I think I'm overthinking it.

I mean, maybe I'm just a judgmental person (totally a possibilty there), but yeah, when it's obvious I wouldn't be able to go, unless it's for a big thing like a wedding, I often wonder, "why send an invite?"

Oh, and I love your convicted troll pic. Made me laugh out loud (literally) once I noticed it.

Yeah, exactly. Thanks! My sister is hosting this and she was asking about the invites... and I had no idea what to tell her.

Ha, thanks!

Stina2012 · February 2013

For DH's family I actually just asked my MIL what she thought was best. If you're close with MIL and your DH isn't sure (my DH really wasn't sure and just wants to stay far away from anything shower-related) then ask her as she'll know what the"feel" is for her family (i.e. you don't love me I didn't get an invite or you are such a gift grabby hose beast).

flerlgirl · February 2013

Stina2012:
For DH's family I actually just asked my MIL what she thought was best. If you're close with MIL and your DH isn't sure (my DH really wasn't sure and just wants to stay far away from anything shower-related) then ask her as she'll know what the"feel" is for her family (i.e. you don't love me I didn't get an invite or you are such a gift grabby hose beast).

The phrase "hose beast" makes me laugh a lot.

Thanks! The great thing about my ILs is that they are very direct and don't tend to get their feelings hurt but it's always the one thing you don't expect...

flerlgirl · February 2013

MandJS:
flerlgirl:
MandJS:
I only invited my mom and MIL from out of state. Your friends and family don't need an invitation to attend if they aren't local, nor do they need an invitation to send you a gift.
Thanks. This is a pretty small event and all 4 of my friends (kidding... kind of) are local. Only DH's family is out of state so I didn't want to be a jerkface.
I get it. We live out of state of all our (mine and DH's) family. I don't send invites, but I DO send announcements. I know they're not "meant" to invite gifts, but I find that I get a decent slew of mail in the week or two following announcements going out... No one has ever had an issue with not being invited to something (that I'm aware of) and I've never been invited to any showers for any of their events. My cousin in Chicago sent an invite to both me and my mom for her 40th birthday a few years ago and we both side eyed that. NEITHER OF US LIVES IN CHICAGO. Why would we come to your birthday party? It really felt like fishing for a gift.

That makes sense. I forget to send any kind of anything (I did manage wedding invitations, wonder of wonders) but an announcement when LO gets here is a good idea anyway. That's a little weird that your cousin sent you the invite... for her birthday... at 40... which she is throwing herself.

Stina2012 · February 2013

flerlgirl:

The phrase "hose beast" makes me laugh a lot.

See, July 13 ain't so bad, we use phrases like "hose beast"! Cool

Yeah, I like letting the ILs give their input on these things, just makes it easier on me. I will say that if my hostesses wanted to keep the party small I would only feel obligated to invite MIL. So that's another possibility as well!

1026pumpkin · February 2013

I generally think you should only send out invitations to out of town guests if it's mom, MIL, or a sister. But, I do agree with PPs suggestion to ask MIL if you're worried anyone is going to get butt hurt over it.

flerlgirl · February 2013

Stina2012:
flerlgirl:

The phrase "hose beast" makes me laugh a lot.

See, July 13 ain't so bad, we use phrases like "hose beast"!

Yeah, I like letting the ILs give their input on these things, just makes it easier on me. I will say that if my hostesses wanted to keep the party small I would only feel obligated to invite MIL. So that's another possibility as well!

Ha! Truce!

My MIL and SIL live just down the road from each other. My other SIL lives near me so then it would be everyone but the one SIL. I'm going to talk to my MIL to make sure everyone is copasetic but I think just sending it to my MIL is okay if she wants to come.

flerlgirl · February 2013

jessicaivana:
I would see what your MIL thinks.
For my sister's shower I invited some cousins that lived out of state because I knew that they would be traveling for it. Cousins that lived out of state that we don't speak to at all except comments via fb- I didn't send an invite to and they were non the wiser.
I think that if one of your DH's family members aren't invited but wants to send a gift they will contact your MIL or look up your registry themselves.

It's really just his sister and mom - the rest of his family is so far away that I would feel rude sending them an invite bc I know full-well they can't make it. Thanks for the thoughts! I'll check with my MIL. I might just save a couple of invites if they want one for any reason and give it to them when they are visiting next.

CRLSMC2011 · February 2013

We decided locals only with a few exceptions. I have several friends who I think might want to make the 2-3 hour drive (Philadelphia to DC) or who we have a complicated relationship with and it would strain it to not invite them. We also have one friend in New York who we knew would not be able to come, but felt like it would not be right to not invite her for various reasons. As far as my dad's family in New York and my husband's extended family in Philadelphia, we decided we were not going to invite them and then they would be invited to come down for the bris after the baby is born.

So I think you're okay to not invite people because of the distance but you should be aware of the relationships in making those determinations. If it is a very good friend, sister, etc, who would be hurt if left out, send the invitation. If it is the one cousin who is not local and all the others are getting one, send it. Otherwise, you're fine not to.

ordinary1 · February 2013

I think it depends. My one aunt lives in Texas. She doesn't come up often but likes to get invitations for different things from us. My grandma is sending her an invitation for my shower. She likes to call after the event to see how it went and such. However, an aunt on the other side of my family would not like it at all and see it as asking for a gift.

RissNRuss · February 2013

It depends on the relationship- I lived out of area during grad school from our families, and was sent invites to showers from 2 cousins and my SIL (for their showers). Most included a note "We know you will likely be unable to join us, however we want you to know your presence is missed at family events!" type of thing. My BFF (she's in TX, I'm NY) also invited me to her baby shower (during my honeymoon). These are all people I would have sent gifts to anyway for their showers, so I didn't think it grabby. I will have BFF, same cousins, and 2 other distant people (relatives) on the guest list (with similar notes to above included). I didn't want them to feel left out, as they have always been there for us whether in spirit or in person. I assume it will likely be in spirit for this event as it has been before.

flerlgirl · February 2013

Thanks, ladies! I think I will do one for SIL and MIL (unless MIL says otherwise) with the understanding that they don't need to drive 12 hours just to say hey

LeggyNic · February 2013

1026pumpkin:
I generally think you should only send out invitations to out of town guests if it's mom, MIL, or a sister. But, I do agree with PPs suggestion to ask MIL if you're worried anyone is going to get butt hurt over it.

I agree. Moms, MILs, sisters/SIL of you or DH should get invites no matter their location as they will be immediate family of the baby. Otherwise, ask MIL if someone like her sister, etc. would be offended.

Invites for out of town guests

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