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Blended Families
Annplus1
member
How much communication?
Annplus1
member
I am a BM of a 13 month old and have been divorced from my XH since before my DD was born.
I read a lot here and see a similar theme of a lot of NCP/CP communication. My XH and I rarely speak. At drop off we are polite and it lasts about 30 seconds. Any news- which is rare- and any updates on last eating/sleeping. Then my DD is coached (between us) to wave or blow a kiss. That's it.
Any between conversation is via email and only if there is an update. She just had a fever for the last seven days, and since it was my time I let him know when I called the nurse line and what they said, or what happened at the doc appt. I let him know before it happened, in case he wanted to go, but he never does. Which I am fine with.
I find the more conversation we have, the more problems we have. It seems to open the door to insults and demands outside the court order from XH and his GF.
I guess my long-winded question is, how much communication will be necessary as our DD gets older? Is this amount of communication typical? I run a "If I would want to know" standard on my end in regards to health and issues. He isn't forthcoming with information, so I just don't ask. It's EOWE custody, I am the CP.
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Re: How much communication?
on anything more than visitation and child support. I could always tell one story to one side and never be held accountable and vice versa.
We are headed down the same road with SS because Bm believes with all her heart that he can live two lives without us ever communicating about what occurs in each house. What he does, how hes disciplined, how he studies, what he eats, what sports he plays is different 50 percent of his life.
Honestly if you want to do the bf thing in a way that benefits your child you will need to talk about a consistent study schedule, sports schedule, sleep schedule. You will want to do parent teacher conferences together and discipline together. Make major decisions about big events like cars, curfews, dating together.
That's why being in a bf frankly sucks sometimes. It only gets more and more complicated.
I shudder thinking about how we will get through the teens years with no consistency between houses
It really depends on what is going on.
DS is 3.5, and he often wants to call his daddy. So we call, and his dad and I might have a quick conversation at the end.
We have a google calendar, and I put everything on there really. DS has had a lot of appointments for speech therapy and that stuff lately, so I just send an email afterwards to update.
So, to sum it up. Sometimes we talk a lot, other time we go two weeks without talking. It depends.
I used to email XH about quarterly with updates on academics, sports, health, his current interests, etc. Since most of those went unanswered and unacknowledged, I stopped.
If I used your 'if I would want to know" standard, I guess I would probably email weekly. DS has weekly tests that we get back on Mondays, so I would probably email every Monday evening with a quick academic update as well as mentioning any news about taekwondo or if DS was ill.
I have been in this boat since my second was an infant and I had a 3.5 year old as well. Communication has been very consistent, and the oldest is now in third grade. Beyond eating, sleeping, temperament, wellness when they are tiny there's not much to share.
The girls call in the evening, we initiate the call between 7-8. This is their time; when they were younger I ended up with the phone a fair bit but limited those convos to "OK, they are done, have a nice night." Click. Now I typically am not needed.
Exh and I do speak roughly weekly, but it's not on a schedule. Random things come up that warrant it - and I keep a log of "little things" to make sure he knows in my phone. We do randomly also email these little things back and forth, but total email traffic in a month would not exceed 4. I always text before and call after doctor appointments.
I also work with the girls to have them share things exh needs to know with him. As they get older I do not want them to rely on me for their relationship with him - DD got an award and wanted me to tell him, other DD had an 89 on a progress report and wanted me to tell him - in both cases I encouraged the girls to tell him and they did.
As your DD gets older, I would role play conversations with her and coach her on conversations - talking to your non-present father on the phone is a leap for a two year old and requires certain etiquette that two year olds typically don't get right off the bat. Help her build the skill - but again, I don't think this calls for YOU to speak with exh, but to help HER do it.
When she gets older, your DD can tell her dad things. She can tell him abut what's going on at school, what she likes to do at recess, who here friends are, etc. All you will really need to communicate is info about Dr appts, extra curricular stuff and school issues. When DD starts school, make sure BD has all the school info and tell him to set up receiving a duplicate report card and encourage him to meet the teachers. That's it. Don't do his job for him, but give him the tools to do it himself.
If the communication causes any sort of insults or arguments, don't engage. A very simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" ends quite a few discussions we have with BM and DC. As for the "demands outside the CO" you referenced, what kind if demands are they? Extra time, changing schedule? Depending on what it is he wants, accommodating a demand here and there is necessarily a bad thing. Granted, he needs to not be a jerk about what he wants. But sometimes being flexible breeds more friendliness and cooperation. As DD gets older, EVERYONE will need to be more flexible.
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If ours was a normal blended family relationship, I would agree with this. This is ideally what I would want for SD if things were different for us. Looking at friends I grew up with, the parents who were able to communicate like this are the ones who raised the.most successful children. The ones who could not communicate had more problems with their kids than I could imagine putting my mom through.
But I don't see why this communication cannot be done through email. I think it would be just as effective as long as the child does not see any destestation for one another when you do have to together. And of course, sports, parent teacher conferences, etc would need to be face to face communication if possible.
That is just what I would think. I am not exactly in the same boat as many of you in this aspect.
I don't think what we are doing is a lot now, as in the length of the conversations. It sounds like we are doing what works. We do compare and try to maintain similar sleep schedules, compare what she is learning, etc. We have had discussions via email making sure we are on the same page. They are just once a month and short.
As for the demands when we communicate too much, it can vary from him deserving full custody, demanding I switch her daycare to his GF, receipts for what I spend child support payments on (I get very little and am not a spender, it's all in a college fund), other silly things- never a request for more (reasonable) time and he never takes the FROR that I offer- no matter the advanced notice. I honestly believe (not that it matters for a moment) that the arguments stem from his GF- and he allows it. I just respond that I have received the communication and wait a few days to respond. It has always blown over.
We have discussed maintaining communication in the future to make sure our very smart (isn't' everyone's?) DD doesn't play us against each other and I will absolutely make sure he has the access to her school stuff that I have.
I just see some people almost daily communication between the BP's and I don't want that. However I like the idea of role playing conversations so my DD can actually have conversations on the phone with her dad.
To me, it seems that you are doing what you can to set up a good routine and pattern for the future, both with your XH and your DD.
Good luck to you.
P.S. not sure what you mean by role playing conversations with your DD, though...
I think this is fine. If you give what you would hope to get (hope to, not necessarily expect to) then I think you've done the best by your DD.