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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
Do you ever feel the need to overcompensate for SK's?
CFjo2010
member
This weekend my daughter was asking if she could have a sleepover soon. K got really quiet and seemed upset. I asked her if everything was ok and she says, "I wish I could have friends over." I was pretty surprised. She has only asked one time to invite a friend over when she's here, despite us frequently offering for her to have friends come play. I told her she can invite some friends over and she told me she can't. Huh? I asked her why she says she can't have friends over and she tells me, "I don't want my friends coming over to Gma's and mommy will get angry if I have friends play here." I assured K that BM would be happy to know that K is playing with her friends and to ask her dad about setting something up.
I get it. K's living situation with BM is less than ideal. They live with Gma and 3 of BM's brothers. K and BM share a bedroom and have bunk-beds. BM has shared a bedroom with K since K was born, even during her brief stints of having her own apartment. Lately K has become more outspoken and has been asking questions about the difference in the living situations and I'm really starting to feel bad for her. K's 7 now and has played at enough of her friends' homes to figure out that her living situation with her mom isn't the norm. I can understand that she feels a bit self-conscious about having her friends see that she shares a bedroom with her mother. But I'm baffled as to why she thinks BM will be angry with her if she has friends come over here. I certainly hope BM didn't actually tell K not to have friends over, but with BM we never know what's going on in her head.
My husband talked to K and now we're planning an "almost sleepover" for her and a few friends. Since K hasn't had friends come play before (here or at BM's) I feel like we need to make a big production for her. Trust me, I know how silly that sounds. It's a play-date, not a Broadway show. These kids are 7 years old and don't expect much as far as play-dates go. But K came at us with about 5 different ideas, one of which was a slumber party and now we're trying to combine her requests into one. Because really, if BM does in fact get mad at K for having friends come here then K won't want to invite friends over again. So if this is first and potentially last gathering K has here, I want it to be memorable for her. Especially if she's not wanting to invite friends to Gma's to play.
Does anyone else ever feel like they need to "make up" for or overcompensate for what happens at BM's/BD's house? Also, has anyone ever dealt with the child feeling like they can't invite friends over or have actually been told they can't have friends over by the other parent?
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Re: Do you ever feel the need to overcompensate for SK's?
I understand the wanting to overcompensate. But in my experience doing so just "widens the gap" so to speak. For example, I would like to throw my SD a huge, super-fantastic birthday party. Her mom has a habit of promising her a big production and then not delivering and it makes me want to rescue the situation. I'm a fixer by nature. And seeing her sad, disappointed little face kills me.
But SD will be happy with any party, just like K will be happy with any play time with her friends.
Frankly, if K's BM has a problem she can go suck it. And if she says anything to K about it just remind K that "We make the rules in our house, just like Mommy makes the rules in her house. She's not mad at you, she's mad at us and we will deal with that." Then punch BM in the face. Ok, not really, but feel justified in wanting to.
I do overcompensate for my DD, because she isn't treated as good as she should be at her bio dad's by his girlfriend.
My SD will be 7 next month, and her and BM have always lived with BM's parents and share a room. On occasion SD will tell me that she wishes that her and BM lived in our house. It's kinda weird... lol My SS and his Mom used to live in a 1 bedroom apartment, although i think his Mom gave him the bedroom and she slept in the living room, but because of that he never had friends go over to their apartment (he was a teenager). But I don't think we overcompensated for that. He was always able to have friend come over to our house.
I'm having too hard of a time getting past the notion of BM getting mad at K for having friends at your house. That dynamic is just so screwed up. It's emotional abuse, and I feel terrible for both K and you guys.
We sometimes do big production stuff at our house. Any time I start to feel like either of the kids is being negatively impacted because they're in a BF, I find myself going a little overboard with one thing or another. Usually I just ask MH to keep an eye on me and reign me in, lol.
But I don't see anything "too much" in having a slumber party and doing movies and pizza and games. Now, if you rent a pony and hire a band, I might start to raise an eyebrow.
I have been guilty of this too and I think its completely normal. I dont think my SD's mom can take her self out of the equation and think about her daugher instead of herself sometimes. So I try to make her feel important and do things that make her feel like what she likes is important. I always just explain it to myself and to my SD (when she ask why mommy doesnt do these things with me) that these are things that I really enjoy too so we can do them together since we both think they are alot of fun.
I guess my point is I dont think having a slumber party and making it a big deal that she has friends over is really overcompensating. Its something that you take joy out of (seeing her and your other kids happy) so you want her to get as much happiness out of it as you do. I am sure we can all remember our first slumber party and if her mom is going to let her experience that, I think its important that you and YH have one for her and make the most of this first time sleep over
.
I'm really trying to give BM the benefit of the doubt. I desperately want to believe that she would never actually tell K not to have friends come over here, but given BM's history it's quite possible that she did in fact say this to K. We will cross that bridge if and when we get to it.
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[Sigh]
I was at one time in my very early days of being a single mom and living w/ my parents...I might have qualified as a BSC BM.
Now our situations are very very very different. I never had a problem w/ my kids having friends over to my parents' house but usually I just had them meet us at the park or we went to the movies or something.
BUT
I wouldn't allow my kids to have friends over at their father's...he not only lived w/ his parents, but they make the people on hoarders look like neat freaks. AND the other children's parents had told me they would be uncomfortable letting their children go there since he wasn't involved at the school and they didn't know him.
I'm sure each of you would say that I made the right decision. And this is entirely different b/c you are involved w/ the school and I'm assuming you don't have dead hamsters mummified in ziplock bags in your child's bedroom...but I probably wouldn't have let them have friends over at their house even if it was sanitary and safe b/c I wanted to control that relationship w/ the children. It was something I could provide and would have them say they wanted to stay w/ me and not want to spend time w/ him. I wanted very much for the children to choose me everytime.
My kids are teens now and their Bio father has been absent from their lives for a very long time. But 2002-2004 were very dark times for me.
Oh eeeewwww. No, no dead, mummified hamsters. We live in a nice house, in a nice gated neighborhood about 5 minutes from BM. K shares a room with my daughter who is 2 years older. Although we do have a dog, 2 cats, a crayfish and it often feels like a zoo here
I really feel like at times BM "punishes" K for her own shortcomings, if that makes sense. It's not K's fault that BM just cannot get her life together. And I don't think BM is telling K she can't have friends come over at her home, K doesn't want to have friends over there. Again, I'm really hoping that BM hasn't told K she can't invite friends to our home. I agree with Felles, that behavior is emotional abuse.
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BM has told skids they cannot have friends come here. They would not want to either; they live in a country club neighborhood in a giant house (with little/no a/c or heat most of the time, but it's all about image) and we do not.
If we actually thought that friends being here EOWKND (or less now that the skids don't come as often) was a good idea, we would let the kids know that they get to choose who to invite to our home. And that would be that, except for coping strategies for them to deal with BM's backlash.
I struggle with the not going all out - and I don't think it's just a blended thing either. I think our culture is trending that way....playdates are becoming events. It's crazy. So my vote is make it normal, plan to have more, and realize this is one of many things that BM might say to K that makes her aversive to things - K has to learn to cope and not let BM dictate things like this.
Wow! I always feel so badly for K and you and your family Jobal. I really do hope that BM has some sort of "ah-ha" moment one day, although I know you probably aren't holding your breath.
I have overcompensated in the past, especially for SD7. I remember DH and I had planned a 3rd birthday for her and BM asked us not to because she said she was doing something... and then nothing really happened. So for her 4th birthday we had this HUGE birthday bash. Nowadays, we speak fairly frequently with BM and have shared birthdays so it's not so much of an issue at present.
^^Agree. Even though I tend to say don't over compensate, what you described in your post, Jo, doesn't sound super crazy! Go for it.
I could see myself writing this same post in a few years! I don't know your full history with BM, but is it possible that K is assuming how BM will react, without BM having said anything to her? She is older than my SS (3), so I don't know, but I know we had him over Christmas, and he got sick in the car one day and threw up. He kept telling us "Momma is NOT gonna to be proud of me!" I can't stand BM, but I can honestly say that there is NO WAY she ever told SS anything like that. That aside, I think letting K invite friends over on a regular basis will show her that, even if it's not ok at BM's house, she can still be a kid like everyone else and enjoy her friends. (and I agree with the punch in the face comment from pp)
As far as compensating, I know we do sometimes. SS shares a room...and a bed...with BM, so we made a really big deal about him getting to pick his room when we moved into our house, and letting him help put together his own bed. He was so proud to show everyone his room. We also take him to go do things that I know she never will, such as the science museum, or the zoo, aquarium, six flags, etc.. Not every time we have him, but about once every 2 months or so. Those were awesome memories from my childhood and I want SS to have those too, but BM doesn't do that kind of stuff with him. We live in the suburbs, she lives in the country, so he gets a bit of both worlds. At BM's house, he has 5 motorized vehicles to drive, and a horse. At our house, we taught him to ride a bike and we play in our empty rooms, building forts out of boxes or shooting balloon ninjas, or playing t-ball. We are currently looking for something in our area to get him started in so that he does have a few friends by us (we live 2 hours a way, chances are, at a young age, not too many parents are going to let their kids come all the way out to our house when he is K's age).
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I hate to think that SS is drawing the short straw so I more than make up for it.
This. And, I wouldn't think of it as "overcompensating" - she's your child and you're providing her with something important that her mom cannot give.
Constantly. And I don't feel guily about it one bit. And if BM has a problem with it, she is more than welcome to come to me or my H about it. As far as I'm concerned, she made her choices and these are the conseqences. We, and BM, live out of district so the boys don't live in the same area as their school. My oldest has expressed interest in having people over to play, but we have no yard so I don't know where/what they would do. But, once we get a house with a yard, regardless of what school they end up at, I will have a house full of my SC friends any time they want. Why should they suffer because BM was an idiot. She lives in a trailer with a tent in the living room used as a "third bedroom" and works part time. Eff that. It's not my fault, my husbands fault and certainly not the children's fault. Invite as many people over for K as whe wants and if BM has a problem tell her to make better choices and set a better example.
The first sleepover should be a "bigger" event! LOL! Just make sure that K realizes that not EVERY sleepover will be big like that!
I always try to make DS's sleepovers an event. I'll try to find out what sort of dinner/breakfast food, drinks and snacks the "sleeping over" kid likes and have those around. I'll have a few "I'm bored" activites planned just in case! I usually buy the break and bake cookies - sometimes they'll help put them on the cookie sheet, but usually they're just happy to eat them.
Enjoy the sleep over! Don't let BM ruin it!
Is there any way for you guys to pay more child support so her mom could work a little less? That sounds awful :-(