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Littlejen22
member
Very long novel Toxic peoplenonBF but I know you
Littlejen22
member
Ladies can probably give more insight than most.
I have complained on The Bump before about a very longtime friend that drives me crazy. We live in the same town although our kids go to diffeeent public schools. We were BFFs since high school and I am 38. Our closeness has gone in waves depending in stage in life such as i moved away but she got married and got PG years before me. Her husband still refers to me as her BFF although I would say a newer friend of mine is more of a BFF and now I sound like I am back in high school.
The long and short of it is I think we have different morals for lack of better wording. And I feel like all we do is clash heads lately. It is not talked about but I feel like we are always defending our positions on things or I am biting my tongue. I feel like we no longer agree on anything that I personally think is important. My latest in a long line of annoyances is her asking me for probably the fifth time how long I am going to let DS grow his hair. I have nicely stated something along the lines of letting it be his hair and his choice and while I personally like it a little shorter HE wants to grow it so I will not fight him on it. She proceeded to say that it looks like he has a mullet in a picture I posted on FB and something like she is fine with it being a little longer but I should cut the back.
First if I wanted your opinion I would ask. And second I do not care if you are his Godmother, it is none of your business and the first time you stated your opinion was more than enough.
I passivelyaggressively posted an Mamapedia article about the same situation on FB and a bunch of people agree with the article. My comment was that I agree with everyone's responses amd that i think it applies to a lot of situations and that if a person or kid was a good person I do not care about the rest.
She commented stating that she thinks it is a parents place to step in and suggest other options for a kid because at a young age they are not emotionally able to deal with the ridicule. She went on to say she is fine with shoulder length hair but does not like long hair on boys blah blah blah.
I do not see any way to take that besides her telling me it is my job to make my kid conform to what other adults think he should. Honestly I think most kids that would ridicule another child for their hair choices are being raised by people who make rude remakes in front of them and teach them that is ok behavior and also teach them these stereotypes. I refuse to force my freespirited very sweet and sensitive child to change who he is because others might not like it. And to be quite honest while I will be the first to say he is not very selfconfident he also does not care when people comment. I think it is more important to teach him to make his own decisions. And yes I do believe his hair choice is an extension of who he is. Just like the fact that he likes nail polish and has no issue wearing it to school and his teacher told me today that he does not care and just laughs if kids make comments but that all of the kids are nice to him and he is well liked.
So I do not know where to go from here. I do not want to say something publicly on Facebook because I will not enter a war on Facebook. But this is now I see many of out conversations with her being very judgemental and me trying to raise my kids without it. And I see her as thinking she is superior to people partially because she is a teacher and partially just because although I do not think she sees this. And I will be the first to say she probably feels the same.
But I so not know what to do. I do not see how this can be really resolved because she is so closeminded but it is hard to give up a friendship that I have had for more than 20 years and our kids see them as extended family. And honestly I do not have a lot of friends I can rely on and I can really rely on her but is it worth it if I feel the relationship pulls me down? And we talk almost every weekday.
So if you have cut someone out of your life what did you do? I do not feel like I can have a conversation. And what are your thoughts on all of this.
I have complained on The Bump before about a very longtime friend that drives me crazy. We live in the same town although our kids go to diffeeent public schools. We were BFFs since high school and I am 38. Our closeness has gone in waves depending in stage in life such as i moved away but she got married and got PG years before me. Her husband still refers to me as her BFF although I would say a newer friend of mine is more of a BFF and now I sound like I am back in high school.
The long and short of it is I think we have different morals for lack of better wording. And I feel like all we do is clash heads lately. It is not talked about but I feel like we are always defending our positions on things or I am biting my tongue. I feel like we no longer agree on anything that I personally think is important. My latest in a long line of annoyances is her asking me for probably the fifth time how long I am going to let DS grow his hair. I have nicely stated something along the lines of letting it be his hair and his choice and while I personally like it a little shorter HE wants to grow it so I will not fight him on it. She proceeded to say that it looks like he has a mullet in a picture I posted on FB and something like she is fine with it being a little longer but I should cut the back.
First if I wanted your opinion I would ask. And second I do not care if you are his Godmother, it is none of your business and the first time you stated your opinion was more than enough.
I passivelyaggressively posted an Mamapedia article about the same situation on FB and a bunch of people agree with the article. My comment was that I agree with everyone's responses amd that i think it applies to a lot of situations and that if a person or kid was a good person I do not care about the rest.
She commented stating that she thinks it is a parents place to step in and suggest other options for a kid because at a young age they are not emotionally able to deal with the ridicule. She went on to say she is fine with shoulder length hair but does not like long hair on boys blah blah blah.
I do not see any way to take that besides her telling me it is my job to make my kid conform to what other adults think he should. Honestly I think most kids that would ridicule another child for their hair choices are being raised by people who make rude remakes in front of them and teach them that is ok behavior and also teach them these stereotypes. I refuse to force my freespirited very sweet and sensitive child to change who he is because others might not like it. And to be quite honest while I will be the first to say he is not very selfconfident he also does not care when people comment. I think it is more important to teach him to make his own decisions. And yes I do believe his hair choice is an extension of who he is. Just like the fact that he likes nail polish and has no issue wearing it to school and his teacher told me today that he does not care and just laughs if kids make comments but that all of the kids are nice to him and he is well liked.
So I do not know where to go from here. I do not want to say something publicly on Facebook because I will not enter a war on Facebook. But this is now I see many of out conversations with her being very judgemental and me trying to raise my kids without it. And I see her as thinking she is superior to people partially because she is a teacher and partially just because although I do not think she sees this. And I will be the first to say she probably feels the same.
But I so not know what to do. I do not see how this can be really resolved because she is so closeminded but it is hard to give up a friendship that I have had for more than 20 years and our kids see them as extended family. And honestly I do not have a lot of friends I can rely on and I can really rely on her but is it worth it if I feel the relationship pulls me down? And we talk almost every weekday.
So if you have cut someone out of your life what did you do? I do not feel like I can have a conversation. And what are your thoughts on all of this.
Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies
Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Very long novel Toxic peoplenonBF but I know you
Cookie please.
I know it's difficult to have a conversation with her, but that would be the big girl thing to do. I think you need to just tell her as polite as possible that she's driving you nuts and as your friend you really wish she's be less opinionated and just respect your decisions.
If you really think you can't handle it, and you really are determined to end the friendship, then you should apply the MIL rule. When she makes a suggestion, say "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." And then just do what you want. Let it go, and don't take her advice so personally. And if she really is hammering a point home to the point of ridiculous, then say "I heard you.Thank you, I appreciate your opinion, but I'm going to let my child grow his hair out, my decision is my decision, and that's that. Please, I don't want to discuss this again."
I would also start taking her calls less too. Don't answer it every day. Maybe text her later, and say, "So busy today, I'll call you tomorrow." Whittle it down to only a couple of times a week, or once a week. Whatever you're comfortable with.
You're in a tough spot with her being your sons godmother. You are going to have to figure out what's acceptable to you as far as a frienship with her and gradually work toward that kind of level of friendship.
I would try to distance yourself from this person. I don't think you need to just stop talking to her but maybe not as much. Is there a way you could just allow the two of you to slowly drift apart?
I have a "friend" that I have known since we were in HS, so about 10 years. In HS I was quiet and when it came to our friendship I was a follower. When I would disagree with her I would rarely speak up. In HS she had an opinion on everything I did and didn't hesitate to share it. That didn't change after HS.
She had opinions on things like, my marriage, house, finances, faith, lifestyle, ALL parenting decisions, pretty much everything. She would never hesitate to tell me how I was wrong about pretty much everything. I used to feel like I had to tiptoe around to not offend her. One day, about three years ago, all of this hit me and I realized how toxic this friendship was. I decided that I would stop tiptoeing around her, wouldn't defend my life, and if she asked for my opinion I would share it.
She didn't like that and just stopped talking to me. We have talked a handful of times in the past few years to catch up but she seems to get bored pretty quickly now that I don't just agree with her. Sometimes I feel sad because we were close and most of my memories of that time involved her but I'm so much happier with out this friendship.
On a side not, I also feel the need to share that all of my "wrong" decisions have worked out pretty well for me. My life is stable and I function as a productive adult. Things haven't turned out so well for her. I actually kind of feel bad.
I like J's "thanks. I'll keep that in mind." comment.
Seriously though, it's not as if you can't clearly tell your son is a boy and it does not look like a mullet. Let's teach our kids that we should do whatever we can to avoid potential bullies! How does that teach a kid to cope with negative feedback as they grow up? That's more like avoiding an issue than confronting an issue. I prefer my kids learn to face their issues head on and "own" their decisions and learn to speak up and defend themselves rather than to bend to societal pressure. So if kids were teased for not doing something far worse (instead of hair style choice), I'm sure she'd be okay with them joining in on that, right? Since they can't deal with the emotions and all LOL.
That would get on my nerves as well. I might have to say something even though I'm typically not one who likes conflict.
Excuse how bluish this picture is, I need to re-edit it.
Thanks Sabrina, I think I am going to try to distance myself and be more blunt when I disagree. I definitely make comments when I disagree but sometimes I do not even know what to say or I feel that no matter what I say it is still disagreed with.
And Gin, I think I am going to reply with something along the lines of what you wrote so don't be suprised if you see your words on FB, lol.
And the funny thing is even in his very boyish-style jacket he has recently had people think he was a girl, I think maroon throws people off which is funny because I think all the boy stuff from Crazy 8 is annoyingly boyish and mostly boring. But he does not care, I asked him and he does not want me to correct people, truly does not care. I think telling him he is a boy and needs to cut his hair is worse for his self-esteem than some obnoxious kid in his class.
And I am starting to wonder what people from this board are thinking reading this, I feel like even with all the BF issues we have on here this is a very conservative board for The Bump. Not that I care but just laughed to myself.
ETA: Ok, I responded, part of me feels like I should not have justified it but part of me feels like I am defending my son even if it was not fully called out. I stole and sort-of rewrote what Gin said. Here is what I said:
"I sort-of get the emotional well being comment but I really think it is more important for a child's emotional well being to be who they are and like themself than it is to conform so they will not get teased. Like was said, kids get teased for a lot of things and you cannot avoid it all, I would rather help them make decisions and own them and teach them how to deal with problems that might arise out of it instead of teaching them to conform to peer pressure. "
I'm really conservative with a lot of things but my Kid's hair isn't one of them. This past summer DS1 wanted a green mohawk. I wouldn't let him use anything too harsh since he is only 6 but that was my only restriction. I wish I had a picture but he got tired of it after a week.
You feel she's bullying you? Then I'd come out and just say that the next time you feel she is. I'd say, "Wow. Sometimes you come off a little bit like a bully." Act hurt. Maybe she'll pick up on it and back off. If she's a true friends she'll see that and modify her approach.
Otherwise...you're just going to have to pick your battles.
Lots of great advise from PPers.
I just have to say how cute your kids are! His hair looks nothing like a mullet.
OMG--those pictures are great and your kids are incredibly cute. I hope you don't touch his hair. It suits him really well and it doesn't look at all like a mullet.
I'm not sure what to tell you about your friend. I can't tell for sure if there is something else going on--like she is jealous of you--or if she just has no filter. I'm not a good person to take friendship advice from--I have no tolerance for drama and I'm terrible because I cut people out who bring drama into my life. So as a result I have not a lot of drama but all of my longterm friendships are not much more than like FB friendships anymore.
Jen,
I think your reply was great but I must say your "friend" gets on my nerves too LOL
Your kids are adorable.
Want a picture of my older boys to send her, she'd have a heart attack.
My response to comments like hers has always been, Good thing they aren't your kids.
Jen, your kids are too cute. His hair is not a mullet and he pulls it off quite well! And good for him for not caring what others think. I'm probably one of the more conservative ones on the board and hair choices aren't something to get all worked up about. It will grow back, you can change the color, etc.
BM use to tell SD that she looked like a boy because she had "short" hair. SD's hair is just above her shoulders. She has really, really fine hair and when it was longer it looked so stringy so DH asked me to take her and get it cut. SD was so excited and loves her new shorter hair. It's cute, looks great on her, and makes her look like she has so much more hair. I hated that BM would tell her she looked like a boy. We always told her how pretty she was and how pretty her hair is. I guess SD finally told BM she wanted short hair because BM has stopped saying anything.
In my case, it was easy to get away from a toxic friendship because I had to move for work. I let things go gradually from there. Although I dislike confrontations, I would probably get to the point where hearing the comments all the time would make me explode. Maybe having a gentle conversation about it could solve the issue?
I also agree with everyone else. Your son is cute, and his hair isn't that long. The only problem I have with long hair is when it isn't kept clean. That goes for girls or boys.
Also, I'm a teacher, and I know that I don't know everything. Are you sure it's not just her personality?
ETA: may I have a chocolate peanut butter cookie please?
Oh, it is her personality. I was misunderstood, she thinks she knows everything because she is a teacher and therefore knows more than others, I know that not all teachers feel that way. And she has restarted taking classes for her masters which I think has upped her feelings of knowing everything.