Attachment Parenting
How do you handle snark?
Now that my LO is 7mos I'm getting a lot of "time to CIO" or sleep train or whatnot. My family especially is convinced I'm "spoiling him" from co-sleeping, rocking to sleep, ect. I've tried to explain that this is my parenting choice but everyone I know seems to believe I am completely wrong about attachment parenting.
So how do you all handle the snark and comments that come with AP?
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Re: How do you handle snark?
First line of defense: total confidence around people that might not agree with me. Even if I'm faking it. I try not to look like I'm looking for advice around people who's advice I do not want.
Second line of defense: Snark. "You're spoiling him." "Yes, isn't he lucky?"
Change subject. Repeat.
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I've found for some people the only thing you can do is not discuss it. Either don't bring up sleeping/etc or if they ask, simply say "LO sleeps great" and don't really answer the questions. If people keep pressing/commenting sometimes you just have to say "Thank you for your input, but I don't want to discuss this any more." And either change the subject or walk away.
Honestly, I've found it's easiest to just not talk about some things with certain people. And really, barring abuse or neglect, there's no wrong way to parent. Everyone does what is best for their family/child/situation. I don't look at AP things as the "right" way, but as the way that works best for me.
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Also, I think for some people parenting is so personal and they feel like you're judging them by doing something different. And when it becomes a big discussion about "AP is soooo great and better for baby" then the other party gets defensive and feels like you're implying their choice to CIO/whatever was bad for their baby.
Haha love that!
I also try to not bring it up, and always go with the "well that method didn't work for us" thing but people really like to hammer it in to me that I'm doing it wrong, so what if he gets spoiled? It;s not like I'm going to go to college with him and rock him to sleep...atleast I hope not
lol
Spoiling is such a ridiculous term for people to use when referring to any behavior or parenting that doles out love, affection, and respect to a child of any age.
Spoil means to destroy or make less valuable. The only way a parent could do this to a child is through abuse and neglect. Last time I checked rocking, sleeping with, hugging, and giving unconditional love to your child will certainly not send them down a road of self destruction and the ruin of society.
I have on occasion respectfully engaged someone who questioned my philosophies on parenting. I like to ask them with curiosity "What do you mean by spoiled?" It has worked with a few people close to me. When you lay it out in an adult conversation through explanation and also tell them exactly how you feel about their comments, it sometimes plants a seed of understanding at the very least.
For the people who don't really matter or that simply won't be respectful, I would say something like "She is such a happy, kind, and giving child. It's a shame that you feel that way. I would appreciate you not repeating that in front of her. Thank you."
This is when you repeat "We disagree, and that is ok. This is not up for discussion." And when they say "But..." you say, "What part of "this is not up for conversation do you not understand? I'm happy to clarify any part of that statement that is confusing." And you DO NOT get into a conversation, walking away if you have to.
What they are doing is bullying you.
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Oh.
The only person who is snarky with me is my sister. I am typically snarky right back (though not so low as to bash her parenting skills-lol). It works for us. I once told her that from this point forward I would never make another parenting decision without her input...everyone laughed and we moved on.
Pretty much, especially the bolded. I don't complain about his sleep or about his boob addiction to people who I suspect will tell me to let him CIO and to quit BF like, a year ago.
My kid is incredibly happy, healthy, and well behaved. That + the above kinda dares anyone to snark on my parenting decisions.
This is great - I feel exactly the same way.
And secretly I think... "hmmmm... my kid is really happy, bright, secure and loving... your kid(s) are sullen, miserable, insecure and crying half the time, the other half they are misbehaving... I wonder who's got it "right"? "
For starters, I try not to share my parenting style with a lot of people, especially around the bed-sharing (on occasion), extended bf and non-CIO. I find that if I vent about DD's lack of sleep or how she ends up in bed with me, I get a lot of "advice" that I don't really want to take. If people ask how she sleeps, I smile and tell them like a baby. Haha! Unless someone else is at your house overnight and sees what you do with your LO, then you don't have to get into details about it.
Everyone will always have an opinion about parenting. I think it's very natural for others to judge completely different parenting styles (heck I'm guilty of that). You can either share with others and listen to them critique you, or you can find people who support your choices (even if those people are on the Internet).
To CIO- "you know, CIO is just not for us" and end the conversation.
To Co-sleeping- "It really works great for us and I'm able to get the rest I need" and end the conversation.
To Rocking to sleep- "I really cherish every moment he lets me cuddle and hold him. I know this won't last for ever and I don't want to miss a minute of it" and end the conversation.
You don't need to go into lengthy details or try to explain yourself to people who clearly think their way is the best. Great it works for them but it's not for you and continuing to push it on you makes them really look like (like Tiffany said) bullies. Be confident in your decisions and if you're not confident, fake it. With people like this you just have to shut the conversation down. There are plenty of parents doing things differently and getting along just fine. One of my closest friends FF and I BF but we can absolutely have civilized conversations with each other and I am certainly not going to criticize her for her choices. If they keep bringing it up distance yourself from them. I don't associate with pushy, arrogant people who belittle me and this includes family.
This.
I usually avoid the conversation all together, but with close family...it just happens to come up.
ds is 5 months old now and my mom keeps saying...."one more month until you can let him cry"! I usually just say nothing or go...."yup".
If I feel like its going to be a lose lose conversations I will sometimes just agree with the person and obviously do whatever I want.
Orrrrr....sometimes I get weird questions and just answer them however I want. Ex.) referring to CDs, "don't you ever get $hit on your hands?". My answer, "no I never have...why?"
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As someone who does sleep train (gently, and at an age appropriate time), the only time I would bring up sleep training with an AP-type parent is if they are constantly.complaining.about.sleep. with a child over the age of 1. The 6-12 month period is a gray area for me with sleep training but after 12 months of age, if your kiddo is up every 3 hours still and you are not doing anything proactive about it and you are whining constantly - I have very little sympathy and might suggest something. But only if you bring it up.
No offense, but APers are always the ones with "high needs babies that don't sleep". It isn't a coincidence. I'm not saying that to be mean, but this board is a huge illustration of that. And if you don't want to sleep train and don't mind being up every 5 minutes then that is totally your choice. But I have several mom friends that choose this parenting style but then WHINE CONSTANTLY about their "bad sleeper".
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My tactic:
Don't talk to unsupportive people about your home life. Why stress yourself needlessly? I make out like everything's peachy keen to the naysayers, and then vent to/seek advice from people who actually understand and support my ways.
When people ask me questions about DD, I pretty much lie, or offer as little information as possible. Also, we are blessed to have a very AP and eco-friendly pediatrician, and I can almost always say that anything we do was recommended by her pedi.
If I ask for advice and somebody tells me something that I know I would never do, like CIO or rub whiskey on her gums, then I thank them and tell them I'll consider it. Its a lie, but it keeps from starting fights.
DD is only 17 months and once when she had a fit in the grocery store a lady took me aside and said, "If that was my child I'd teach her to mind! I'd take her to the parking lot and wear out that behind." I just nodded my head and walked off.