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Blended Families
SimpleJane
member
BF guilt
SimpleJane
member
This is directed at BMs mostly... Do you ever feel guilty that your kids are in a BF situation? Sometimes I feel like a bad mother for leaving XH. I know the kids thrived having their parents together, and I feel awful when they have difficulty with transition, or miss their dad. I feel like I've made their lives harder and more confusing. They are doing well, and its been,about a year and a half since the split, but I still feel those pangs of guilt every time I miss a milestone because it happened at Dads, or they cry for him at the end of the week because they miss him.
I'm obviously smart enough to realize that I did the best thing for me by leaving XH. He was sneaky, immature, selfish, and untrustworthy. I just worry about the kids always going back and forth, and how they might be affected by it as they grow. I feel a little like I've failed them by not keeping our family together.
I'm obviously smart enough to realize that I did the best thing for me by leaving XH. He was sneaky, immature, selfish, and untrustworthy. I just worry about the kids always going back and forth, and how they might be affected by it as they grow. I feel a little like I've failed them by not keeping our family together.
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Re: BF guilt
I am a SM in my household but my parents divorced so I have been in your childs shoes.
My moms guilt over getting divorced and my not having a traditional family is the only thing that makes me feel sad about the situation. Its not the divorce or change but her being sad. Does that make sense???
Your family may look a little different now but it is still a beautiful and loving family. Enjoy it! Don't make the marriage something it wasn't in your head. As long as you and your ex are okay with your family as is the kids will be also. Kids also cry for a parent when they got to school but they still have to go. They cry the don't want to get shots but they still have to. Please just know it is a fact in your family and let the guilt go!
I feel zero guilt for divorcing exh. It came down to being able to buy groceries or stay with him. He literally hoovered my entire salary into his craziness. There are many, many other reasons; that is one of the more mild.
I honestly think DH should have left earlier. I think a lot of his guilt stems from the happy family illusion he tried to keep going. If he would have left when things really went left when SD was an infant, he could have gotten custody. BM might even have gone to jail.
The older the children, the more guilt I think there is.
I came from a BF. I don't ever remember my mom having guilt over the situation but I know as a child it was hard at first but then it became the norm. I saw a counselor very soon after my mom got remarried and I was always mad at my mom for taking my dad away but as I got older I saw more that it was better for everyone and I honestly think my mom is the strongest person I know because of what she did for me and my sister. No it wasn't the traditional family but I had 2 families that loved me so much and I was in 2 loving homes. It will be hard on both you and the kids but remember you did what was best and one day they will understand also.
I grew up in an era when blended families weren't as common so I did feel a little sad in my situation but honestly today families come in all shapes and sizes.
All of SS's friends have parents who are divorced or have kids from other relationships. It's almost becoming the norm these days. Like you said two happy parents are better than one miserable couple
They would have taken the brunt of your decision to stay, too. Better two happy homes, than one unhappy one. The guilt gets us all for something or another. Just means that you care.
I always thought we had a 'normal' family. Now I know!
There was no love between them, they were never on the same page, they undermined each other all the time. They fought, insulted and ignored each other. My mother slept in my room.
I never saw affection or a united force. They pretty much led seperately lives under the same roof.
My dad is remarried now and honestly 15 years later I can't even imagine them together. They were wrong for each other in every way.
In the beginning I found it weird to see my dad holding hands, laughing and just being happy with his wife. In now know that is normal!
There was always tension in my house growing up. No one was happy.
This really makes me feel better. XHs parents are like this, except they are still together because they are Christians, or claim to be, and their church family would have a lot to say. I have never seen them hold hands or show affection in the 7 years XH and I were together. They live together, but are honestly more like roommates.
My parents on the other hand are still in love 24 years later. They kiss and hug and genuinely enjoy eachother and they always put their relationship first. I think that seeing how amazing their relationship is is what made me realize how disfunctional mine was. Meanwhile XH has a twisted view of marriages and thought we should stay together for the kids no matter how awful it was.
I am a product like Phantom's. My parents are still together, but for years I begged, pleaded and prayed for them to get divorced. They are now in their 60's and 70's and live like roommates. My dad also refused a divorce for religious reasons. I am the second of four children. I'm not going to put my experience on some one else, but IMHO your XH is nuts.
I grew up in a home where my parents barely spoke to one another. If they did, an argument would ensue. I remember a Christmas when I was about 10 or 12 when the family was going to my aunt's and my parents got into an argument and my mom locked my dad out of the house, with the kids in the car watching our dad pounding on the door (my younger brother is two year after me, our sister 7 years after me). That's not healthy for anyone to remember from their childhood.
For my SD, I desperately wish her parents could have worked their issues out. But, her mom, DH's ExW, left him for another man. If I could turn back the clock and make things work out between my DH and his ExW, for SD's sake I would. I love my DH more than anything in this world, but I am an adult. I have experience behind me and while it is not all good, I can take care of myself.
No no no no NO!
Even if I end up raising my son alone for the long haul, it beats what our life would have been like with my ex.