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July 2013 Moms
lizzie117
member
Waiting to get married
lizzie117
member
Hi all
After much thought and consideration, my boyfriend and I have decided to wait to get married until after the baby is born. We are going to get engaged first, but I was very insistent that I didn't want to know when as long as it was prebaby as a show of commitment because I'd still like to preserve some of the wonderful elements of engagement/marriage like surprise, romance, and thoughtful planning. We have been together for 5 years and planned on getting married eventually, we just weren't in a rush as I just started law school and we wanted a little bit more financial stability. Ultimately, we're very happy with the decision to postpone the wedding mainly because neither of us wants to compromise the wedding we've always wanted to plan together, or feel forced into rushing it because of an arbitrary societal standard. Here's my problem, my parents don't agree. I have been patient and understanding, but I'm really getting sick of hearing about it, and their comments have begun to have a nasty/condescending tone. I love my family and I don't want to isolate them during this fabulous and exciting time, but I'm at a loss. They won't respect my decision and insist on pushing and nastiness.
Sorry for the ramble. Does anyone else have a similar story? Any advice on how to find peace with them?
After much thought and consideration, my boyfriend and I have decided to wait to get married until after the baby is born. We are going to get engaged first, but I was very insistent that I didn't want to know when as long as it was prebaby as a show of commitment because I'd still like to preserve some of the wonderful elements of engagement/marriage like surprise, romance, and thoughtful planning. We have been together for 5 years and planned on getting married eventually, we just weren't in a rush as I just started law school and we wanted a little bit more financial stability. Ultimately, we're very happy with the decision to postpone the wedding mainly because neither of us wants to compromise the wedding we've always wanted to plan together, or feel forced into rushing it because of an arbitrary societal standard. Here's my problem, my parents don't agree. I have been patient and understanding, but I'm really getting sick of hearing about it, and their comments have begun to have a nasty/condescending tone. I love my family and I don't want to isolate them during this fabulous and exciting time, but I'm at a loss. They won't respect my decision and insist on pushing and nastiness.
Sorry for the ramble. Does anyone else have a similar story? Any advice on how to find peace with them?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Waiting to get married
DH and I actually went to the courthouse a year and a half before our wedding. It was only supposed to be 6 months before the wedding, but plans changed. I'm not saying this would be the answer for you, but it worked for us.
DH is military, and we had been long distance for about 2 years, 14 months of which he was deployed. We wanted me to move to where he was, but that meant quitting my job with no job lined up, no healthcare, no stability, and no benefits afforded to a spouse. By that I mean using the gym and stores on base, etc. Also, it meant his pay would increase slightly in order to offset the fact that I was quitting a 60k a year job. We went to the courthouse and only our immediate families knew, and approved. Once married, he switched units, and he was going to be unavailable during the time we had been planning our wedding. So, the wedding got moved back. By that time, our families took it upon themselves to share that we were married, which upset me greatly, since we didn't want the word to get out. In the end, it didn't really matter. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding that was exactly what we wanted, and worked out for us.
I would have done it even without my parents approval, so like I said, our situation was different, but we were wanting to wait to have the wedding, but needed the support that marriage afforded us.
I'm not sure if a small family only wedding now, and a large ceremony and reception later would work for you or not, but its a thought.
Edit to add: but don't do anything because anyone else wants you to. It's your life, not theirs. Everyone else can be upset if they want, but really, I don't feel like its their business. Do what works for you.
Nevertheless, I have several family members who do not recognize our commitment to each other and have frowned upon our decision to grow our family. This reaction has occurred with all our pregnancies. It can be very hurtful, but I have just absolved myself of needing their approval. He and I know that we love each other and our family, and that is what matters. It means that we are somewhat isolated from them, sadly, but we have our family and are comfortable with our lifestyle choices.
My mom wasn't completely happy with the order, but she got over it and is super excited about the baby now!
I think pp had good options. You could go to the court house for financial reasons and to appease your parents. And then have the big shindig later. But do what seems right for you two. If you don't want that stand your ground!!
We eloped- the ease of dealing with insurance/hospital/social security/etc with DS was so much easier being married than being not married. We eloped and it was great- we actually are saving towards a big ol' renewal in a few years at Disney for our whole family to enjoy together. I understand not wanting to force things, but consider the ease that dealing with the hospital/insurance/paperwork will be if you have the marriage certificate.
As a side note, I'm a 1L too!
You don't need a $20,000 wedding to make what you have legit. We spent $150 for my dress, some flowers, and some other things and you know what? You can't tell by my ring, my house, or my kid that we didn't "get hitched" properly. You don't even have to tell them you're legally married- just you and your bf can know! I've had several friends do this, including one who was 7 months pregnant.
HTH.
Same boat here, our Aug 2013 wedding is now in March due to out surprise BFP over Thanksgiving. People put so much stress into the "perfect" or "dream" wedding, and I'm personally thankful we had a reason to speed things up, but I understand wanting to wait and do one major life event at a time. Planning a wedding is stressful, emotional, and exhausting enough, add being pregnant to the mix and I sometimes find myself wishing we'd eloped. You have to do what feels right for you. Good luck!
I had it the other way around...
We got engaged in October, realized we were expecting in November and decided to get married in December. My parents were like 'Don't rush, you can wait... bla bla' but it was more because marrying him meant staying in Europe indefinitely and they kind of had hopes for me to come back home someday (I guess even as a single mom haha).
At the end they were happy in my happiness, or so they say
I say, YOU two decide what you want to do, your parents made their own decisions and after time they will see that you were right in your own way... and, yes, don't rush a wedding just because of an arbitrary social "rule", we did rush it because I wanted a child-less honeymoon haha plus I didn't want to wait so long after the baby arrives and I knew I wouldn't like to spend money afterwards.
My exH and I had always talked about marriage then got pregnant I was very insistant I would not get married pregnant at 19 years old because of what it would look like to the baby. (who was a girl) Mommy and daddy got married cause they got KU with me. We waited till she was two she was flower girl. Though we still ended up in divorce it had nothing to do with the baby and everything to do with being together since 18 I grew up and he didn't
My DH proposed in Feb last year, in two weeks it will be a year!!! He got on a knee and bought a ring (all by himself LOL he reminds me often) I had just stopped taking BC because OB said since I had been on for about 9 years it would take 3-4 months to regulate. I got pregnant the next month and found out two days after proposal. We planned on August but moved to May then because of military we had to do April. I miscarried March 5th but still went on to plan my wedding in two months! He and I both agreed we don't care if wedding is small as long as the family we wanted was there. My flower girl daughter was now Matron of Honor and son was ring bearer, his family flew in from out of state. I feel you should have the day you want and waiting is ok!!! My wedding was small but PERFECT and I wouldn't change a minute...well except being late and crying in front of a Lt Commander LOL. Sorry this is so long I really loved my wedding day and my new family. My DH is so awesome with my kids, he is very old fashion (deep down he wanted us married before baby but would have waited for me) and treats me how a women should be treated. I am so in love even after 3 and half years together and one married (in April). Even when he has to be away he is there for me and that is what important!!!!
We still talk about a big wedding in the Midwest where he is from but maybe in 5 years instead of one as orginally planned especially since he is away, military. But by 2nd or 3rd I better get my Fiji island hopping honeymoon
My SO and I have known each other six years, together and living together for four years, and honestly we don't have any immediate plans of marriage, even with a baby on the way. While this bothers his mom, she doesn't give us a hard time about it. I think we'll get married one day, but it isn't something neither of us are concerned about...and it isn't that we don't believe in marriage, we just aren't feeling like it's a priority. We're committed to each other, no less than a married couple. I don't think being married makes a couple more committed (if that were the case, there wouldn't be as many divorces as there are now). The only thing missing from our relationship is a legal document.
All in all, we're happy
edited to add: And when the day does come, we seriously will probably just go to Vegas. I detest large weddings and all the hoopla that go into them.
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