Stepchild ...

julietnapoles · February 2013

Hello all,

I am in need of some serious help! Me and my bf are expecting what will be my frist child and his second, he has a 12 yr old daughter whom gets along with me very well but not so long ago she wrote him a letter saying she didnt want brothers or sisters (shes a bit jealous). The news has us estatic but worried about her reaction.. how should we go about telling her? And i wanna wait till 12 weeks, currently 9, but its so hard to have her over no be able to baby talk

What do i do?????

WheeLinTheSky3 · February 2013

I don't have experience with this personally, but with that being said-I'm going to guess that her letter is her way of expressing that she is afraid of being replaced. 12 is old enough to realize "daddy has a new wife and if they have a new baby, maybe he will forget about me". I would find a way to tell her the news that includes her, makes her feel a part of the process and have your husband remind her that this new baby grows your family and does not replace her. Maybe ask for her help picking out furniture, clothes, etc. I wouldnt focus every discussion on the new baby until she eases into the idea but from the letter you mentioned, she sounds like she is more insecure about losing her dad's attention than not wanting a sibling (which seems like a normal reaction to me).

I would also be prepared that her initial reaction may not be ideal. It may be easier said than done but if she isnt happy at first, remember that she is 12 and right now its important to make her feel secure with the idea, and all of the other fun things (excitement, etc.) can come later.

leahaustin · February 2013

I would talk to you SO about when he thinks the best time to tell her is. In my opinion, I would not wait until 12 weeks because she is immediate family and may feel out of the loop if you wait so long to tell her, which may make her feel worse.

heathny · February 2013

First when you tell her, validate that her feelings are ok, that there is nothing wrong with her for not wanting a baby brother or sister. Second, be honest that things will change and the new baby will get a lot of attention. Third, assure her you love her and that will not change. Fourth, follow through on your promise to love her and show her every chance you get from now until she's well into her adult years.

This is going to suck for her, so just make sure you have realistic expectations which it sounds like you do. If she has a good enough relationship with her Dad to tell him she doesn't want this, hopefully she can continue to go to him future problems arise. Good luck!

ELauren88 · February 2013

My only experience with this was when I was the 12 year old, telling my Dad that if he and his new wife had any children I would never forgive him. I should preface this by saying my dad was never a "good dad", and we still struggle for a relationship. He still doesn't know when my birthday is, because he left my mom when she was 2 months PG and didn't come back til I was 1.

That being said, I will never feel worse about my actions toward him then those words I told him 12 years ago. He used it as an ultimatum to his marriage, and his wife has never gotten children or to be a mom, because of me. Yes, I was/would be insanely jealous of any child he was a father to, but I feel there are better ways he could have handled the situation. They could have added to my family, too. My mom and step-dad have 2 more kids, and I love my siblings dearly. It is unfair to my dad's wife that she had to give up being a mom, because I had daddy issues.

I guess my advice would be all of the above. Handle it and her with care. She will be upset at first, and maybe until baby gets here. But she will come around eventually. Just remember to love her, and never forget her. She wants you to be happy, too.

countrygurl0101 · February 2013

I have a 10 year old son and my fiance has a 8 year old. We told them seperatly. I told mine he told his. Both boys are so excited to be becoming big brothers. But we plan on letting them help out with everything possible. My future stepson is only at our house for holidays and every other weekend. But my son is the one that worries me. He has been an only child for so long that he is still adjusting to having another kid to share his stuff with two weekends a month. Include her as much as possible, let her pick things out. If she is not named after her mothers side of the family consider using her middle name if the baby turns out to be a girl. Just show her extra attention before they baby is born, taking her shopping just for her. And include her as much as possible after the baby is born. She will eventually love being a big sister.

Lilmrslay · February 2013

I have an 8 year old step son that I have been with since he was 1. He has been aware the whole time that we have been TTC, and we also told him when we had our miscarriages.

With this pregnancy, we told him at about 8 weeks. It wasn't fair to not include him, and he was picking up that his Dad and I were talking about something he was being excluded from.

He is really excited about being a big brother, but he also asked his Dad if we would 'forget about him' once the baby is born. I think it's natural for current children to wonder if they will drop down the levels of importance once there is a new baby in the house. And I think this is especially true with kids of divorce as they perceive their parent starting a 'new' family.

Since 8 weeks we have included him fully. We read him all the weeks progress in the pregnancy book we have and after each scan we get him a wee something from the store from baby, as I know he feels left out when we go to these appts without him.

We have also included him in things like talking about names, nursery colours, etc, so that he feels involved and that his opinion is valued.

Yes, things will change for him, he will get less attention, but our biggest aim is to make sure he doesn't equate a bit less attention with less love. We just have to make sure his time is quality time. Especially as he only gets week about with us and the baby will be here full time.

julietnapoles · February 2013

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! I really am worried about this as i want everyone to be as happy as we are and i know that might not be it for her at first. Im thinking on how to break the news together, as we are all a family and need to be prepared for whatever.. once i figure out how i will forget about when and jump right into it... I hope she wont feel horrible as were so beyond happy. Thank you!

HisChamaoleGirl · February 2013

Everyone gave such great advice that I dont have anything to add at this time. I would like to say that there is a Blended Families board and the women over there are great with advice as well.

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