i need your opinions — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

i need your opinions

l am not a dad to be, but l would like to be inside my husband's head sometimes...

here is my issue, my husband is the only child and his dad and step mom seem to not care that we are expecting their first grandchild. they are usually "cold" people but l thought things would be different because they once mentioned to my husband how we are they're only chance to become grandparents and now that we are expecting they don't seem to care. l have been very ill with this pregancy l have been in the hospital needing iv's etc. they know about it but dont call to check in on how l am or the baby. They know we were finding out the sex this month, but hadn't called to ask when. l hate to be too sensitive, but this hurts my feelings and it doesn't seem to bother my husband. l also didn't care for how his dad makes comments on how he only wants a grandson (so if it is a girl... then will he not want a relationship with her?)

The advice l need is if you were in my husbands shoes would you care, what would you do/say???? 

Re: i need your opinions

  • imagerrrogers2012:

    l am not a dad to be, but l would like to be inside my husband's head sometimes...

    here is my issue, my husband is the only child and his dad and step mom seem to not care that we are expecting their first grandchild. they are usually "cold" people but l thought things would be different because they once mentioned to my husband how we are they're only chance to become grandparents and now that we are expecting they don't seem to care. l have been very ill with this pregancy l have been in the hospital needing iv's etc. they know about it but dont call to check in on how l am or the baby. They know we were finding out the sex this month, but hadn't called to ask when. l hate to be too sensitive, but this hurts my feelings and it doesn't seem to bother my husband. l also didn't care for how his dad makes comments on how he only wants a grandson (so if it is a girl... then will he not want a relationship with her?)

    The advice l need is if you were in my husbands shoes would you care, what would you do/say???? 

    A word of advice.  You will drive yourself crazy if you try to manage/control how people respond or react to you being pregnant and having a child.  And it gets worse once the baby gets here. All you can do is be the best parent you can be, and be proud in how you raise your family. You are going to learn real quick that outside of a select few, people are never going to react the way you want them to, when it comes to our kids.  Parents are even worse.  To add, I am also an only child.

    My mother does this thing where she openly comments on wanting our son to grow up fast so she can play with him.  She does not like the newborn/infant stage, and she wants to talk and interact with the child on a higher level.  I can respect that, but I make it very clear to her that mommy and daddy are not in any hurry at all, and that maybe she should try to enjoy these days as well since he will never go through them again.

    I don't scream, I don't rant, I make it very clear that her opinions and ideas are just that, and my wife and I can handle the parenting....Thank you.

    You really need to develop a water-off-the-back-of-a-duck mentality post baby, otherwise you will waste needed energy on things that are not important to your family.

     

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  • This is a deal where different families express themselves differently.  His family apparently doesn't get all worked up (reminds me of my dad's side).  As far as not asking when they'll find out the sex of the child, maybe they figure that you'll let them know when you know.

    If he doesn't care, I'd just kinda let it go.  As far as the grandson comment, you are going to get people who will say what they will say... can't do anything about it, can't change it, just let it go, I'm sure they'll love a granddaughter just as much as a grandson, and if they don't, it is their loss.

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  • My wife thinks my family is cold and distant. I think her family is waaaay too up in each other's business. Sometimes my wife takes offense at my mother not seeming more interested in her.

    My best advice is just let it go. It doesn't sound like your in laws are trying to control your lives or even being especially judgey. They're just kinda distant.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • Relax. A year from now you'll be annoyed at all the advice they're giving you.

    Remember, right now this only feels real to you. Even your husband isn't "bonding" in the same way you are - it's not his body.

    Give it time and the community will come to you. Most grandparents want relationships with their grandkids ... if they don't, well, that sucks but it's their lives. You and your husband are doing this for you (and the baby), everyone else gets to set their level of involvement. That's life. 

  • I would care...but I'm not him.

    That totally sucks and if they suck you honestly can't help it. Focus on you and your situation....they might come around when you LO is born, but be prepared if they are not. You will have tons of people who are excited and want to celebrate...focus on that.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • We are in the same situation as you are except my family also lives close to us as well as his family. I just keep in mind that I know that they'll be excited as soon as baby gets here and that they are mainly concerned with not overstepping our boundaries. This often comes off as cold and uncaring when in reality my family really is just SUPER involved in everyone else's lives, for better or for worse ( they all begged to be at all the ultrasounds, assume they'll be in L&D, etc). His family is just trying to respect our privacy and the fact that we are now building our own little family. When I remember that, I actually really, really appreciate the fact that they're supporting us from a distance and letting us have some privacy during such an incredible time in our relationship. 
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • thanks for all the responses. :)

    I feel like my major issue with them is that they are not supportive and don't seem to care about anything or contribute a smile or any type of excitement which is whats annoying. They pulled this stuff when we got engaged and got married.... his step mom actually declined to go to the bridal shower because his mom was going to be there!!!! this is what i mean by cold... l sometimes think they're not nice people, to me my husband and my side of the family. l just wanted advice as to what you would do as a husband if you knew your wife felt this way.... especially because they knew i was in the hospital with bad morning sickness, dehydration and never once checked in on me or the baby.... we find out the sex tomorrow and l bet when we call they won't sound thrilled either way (although his dad wants us to only have a boy)... 

  • I knew that my parents tend to put themselves first and taught all of us kids to be the same.  My parents were happy to be grandparents again but have told us from early on after my son was born that when he is really young they didn't feel like they needed to visit too much.  My son is now 20 months old and they are starting to visit more as he becomes more active and interactive.

     I would not worry about anything.  His parents could be similar to mine and he knows them a lot better then you do.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • imagerrrogers2012:

    thanks for all the responses. :)

    I feel like my major issue with them is that they are not supportive and don't seem to care about anything or contribute a smile or any type of excitement which is whats annoying. They pulled this stuff when we got engaged and got married.... his step mom actually declined to go to the bridal shower because his mom was going to be there!!!! this is what i mean by cold... l sometimes think they're not nice people, to me my husband and my side of the family. l just wanted advice as to what you would do as a husband if you knew your wife felt this way.... especially because they knew i was in the hospital with bad morning sickness, dehydration and never once checked in on me or the baby.... we find out the sex tomorrow and l bet when we call they won't sound thrilled either way (although his dad wants us to only have a boy)... 

     

    Sorry for the woman advice here but

    1. the Dad only had a son and probably is nervous with the thought of sugar and spice and all things nice.

    2. The divorce probably causes some of it... I know my DHs parents can sometimes make underhanded comments (which they think no one notices) and you'll probably be glad they weren't in the same room.

    3. If you DH doesn't care, he's probably dealt with this his whole life and has developed a "well, its not going to change anyways" mentality. My DH has that with some of the things that drive me nuts about his family... and I return the favor with how my family can act. 

     

    your DH probably thinks "well, they've always been this way" and doesn't see the big deal. hang in there and I hope everything gets better 

    Eat your food people. You are pregnant, not made of glass. ~PrimRoseMama
    The Benes Boys were born 9/3/13! woooo
    imageimage
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