Is This As Horrible And Selfish As I Think It Is?
beautiflaw
member
I was reading the article featured on the home page called "Unbelievable New Mom Confessions" just for fun, and most of them were not that bad. Just simple things that happen by accident. But then I got to the comments and some of them just blew me away! Being forgetful and so sleepy you can hardly think is one thing we all go through, but moms were posting about letting their kid cry for several minutes so they could stop by a coffee shop! One mom posted saying that its completely reasonable and even a good thing to let your baby cry for several minutes while you have sex with your partner or "veg out", whatever that may mean to anyone. Sorry but my daughter will be 2 in a few months and my husband and I have managed to keep our sex life alive without making my child suffer. I know its not impossible to do. And we never allow her to cry alone. Ever. And I would never stick her in a crib, playpen, Exersaucer, swing, Bumbo, etc and make her cry all by herself so I could watch an episode or two of Downton Abbey while I check my Facebook and freaking Twitter page.
Is it just me?
Re: Is This As Horrible And Selfish As I Think It Is?
I guess it's one of those things where interpretation is everything.
Making LO wait a minute while i finish an email to a friend? Yeah I do that. Making her wait half and hour so I can watch TV? No way.
It also depends on what we mean by crying. LO's kinda having a little grumble but might be about to just drop off to sleep, so regardless of what you were doing you probably wouldn't be rushing down to her anyway? No big deal. She's screaming bloody murder and you have no idea what my issue might be? Then no I don't make that kind of crying wait for anything.
So I'm on the side of, "go and attend to your crying child." but am going to assume that these Mums aren't just ignoring wailing babies, because the alternative makes me sad.
Having said that DH was lightheartedly moaning about how DD1 waking at 5.30am cut into his morning routine of having a coffee and reading the news. (He looked after her when she was a baby before he went to work so I could have a little sleep in) MIL's solution? Just leave her to cry in her cot. She'll learn.
So I'm not completely shocked at this idea. I am shocked that Mum's can relax while their baby is crying. I get completely wound up and can't relax or, "enjoy my dinner" no matter how people around me might encourage me to.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
I may have a different perspective since I have two kids which means I have had to let my child cry for a few minutes to tend to something important.
I really think it depends on the situation entirely. If you're letting your child cry for a few minutes so you don't lose your sh!t since your patience is wearing thin, I dont think that's horrible. I also don't think it's horrible to grab yourself a cup of coffee or a bite to eat and let your child cry for 2 minutes.
To make your child sit and cry for 10+ minutes while you continue having sex or watch a TV show is kind of an a-hole thing imo.
Do you have a link to the confessions?
I honestly doubt most moms let their babies cry for 30+ minutes to watch tv. In the early days my child rarely slept and often replaced sleeping time with crying. Loud, shrill, seemingly never ending, crying. There were times after hours of patting and soothing and singing and bouncing and walking and rocking and cuddling and tickling where I would just have to step away for a few minutes. I would check my facebook page and grab a drink of water. I just needed a few minutes away. I definitely wouldn't say this was time away I enjoyed but I needed a quick break to refuel before starting all over again KWIM?!?
Also, my kid cries in her carseat sometimes. It's usually preceded by a minute or two of growling "out" or "up" at me. She will, after a few minutes, go back to playing in her seat or sometimes doze off. I wouldn't think twice about letting her whine while I hit up the starbucks drive though.
In general I love many AP philosophies and strategies but sometimes people can come off as way too judgey. There is nothing wrong with letting your kid cry for a few minutes in the car to go through the starbucks drive through.
So I suppose my answer is no, it's not horrible or selfish to let your kid cry for a few minutes to do something for yourself. Again I'm not talking about hours and hours but sometimes it's necessary to stay sane.
Here is the link:
https://pregnant.thebump.com/new-mom-new-dad/your-life/articles/new-mom-confessions.aspx
I don't know how to make it clicky in Chrome.
And meh...I know I could not have sex with LO crying because she woke up crying once when we were trying and I froze, pushed DH away and bolted to her room. But, the rest, meh. Just depends on the child, the parent and the situation. And the particular person OP is referring to has 6 children. I have no idea what I'd do or feel if I had 6 children.
Thanks. Here it is clicky style.
https://pregnant.thebump.com/new-mom-new-dad/your-life/articles/new-mom-confessions.aspx
I meant crying like in the crib in the middle of night, clearly needing something. Whether it be to nurse/be fed, change diaper, etc. And I meant having to cry for an excessive amount of time, not so the mom can do important things like care for another child or use the bathroom.
Yeah, that was me. I posted it in a FFFC when LO was 3 or 4 months old, and I stand by my decision to go through that Starbucks drive through. He fussed and cried a few minutes longer, but I was fairly sleep deprived, and I needed that caffeine to make it through the rest of the day. It may be too early to tell, but I don't think it caused any emotional scarring. He seems to be coping with it just fine. Now, he isn't talking yet, so it may be too early to tell. If he comes to me one day and says, "Yo, Mom, remember that time I was hungry and you made me wait ten minutes to eat while you got yourself a delicious latte? That was real messed up!" I promise I'll come back here and apologize for not thinking it was a big deal.
ILY hard.
Andplusalso, sharks has performed feats of motherhood the likes of which I have never seen. Much more impressive than playing Mean Girl Mommy Wars on a message board.
That isn't what it sounded like in your OP. You said several minutes and to me several is less than 10. I just thinks posts like this are what make everyone think the AP board is judgey.
Aw, pear, I'm totally blushing right now...
I want to know what is more horrible- crying for a few minutes in the Starbucks drive through or a mom who is so incredibly stressed and sleep deprived that she can't think straight?
Look, sometimes to be a good mom/wife/employee/whatever, you need to pause for a few minutes to take care of yourself. I'm a big proponent of AP, but there is a huge tendancy to think that you need to put your child above everything else, but the fact is- if you can't take care of yourself properly, you can't take care of anyone else properly.
Yes, I have put my baby in a crib and walked away. It is a safe place. No, nobody wants their babies to cry or likes to hear them cry. But not all of us have perfect situations and all kids are different. You could have another baby next year and go "oooooooooh".
It is better for a stressed mom to put the baby down and walk away for a few minutes (to go outside for a breath of air, to shower, to whatever) and then go back refreshed than to let frustration and anger take over.
My husband was deployed for 8 months when I had 2 kids under 2. There were some HARD days and I was the one-and-only 24/7. I was also managing a 2,500 square foot house, all the bills/paperwork, a yard, two pets, and had no family within 3 hours.
So yes, there were days where both of them were cranky and we were all tired and after a few hours of screaming and whining I put my baby in his crib (where he was SAFE) and went and took a shower. So sue me.
I swear, the sanctimommy crap is strong sometimes around here.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
Well said!
This is not related to the post on another board that are the hot topic of this thread, it's just a vent about bad moms, since I got a chance to experience one for myself:
Seeing as how there are no laws prohibiting certain people from producing offspring, it is fair to expect that some parents will be horrible parents. Just as some people are horrible people. I'm not saying that this is common, just that I understand it happens and it saddens and angers me every time I encounter it.
I live in a condo and about 6 months ago I was tanning poolside. A mother came down with her 2 children. One about 5-6 yrs and the other a toddler. Arm floaties for the bigger kid and half deflated floatie ring for the toddler, and off you go into the pool all alone while mom naps with her ipod on and a towel over her face. The toddle was screaming in fear as he nearly capsized on several occasions, any one of which would have spelled death for him. Completely horrified, I sat myself on the edge of the pool as mom removed her towel only to yell back for the toddler to shut up before resuming her nap. I stayed there, acting as impromptu lifeguard until they left. Got a little sunburn, but no babies drowned, so... Meh.
Why didn't I say anything? Mom was obviously intoxicated. Just seemed like a fruitless venture.
Ugh that makes me so sad for those kids.
I would have called child services without hesitation.
So what would you do if your were in the drive through and your baby was crying?
Sometimes babies cry and you are in a situation where you can't get them. I don't think that means you are a horrible mother.
Letting your baby cry so you can watch tv is one thing, but letting them cry when you are driving or in the middle of using the bathroom is another.
When DD was a baby I tended to her every cry and there were days I didn't even eat, because as soon as I put her down she cried. Finally I realized I had to do something, so I'd put her in her bouncy seat next to me, and eat while bouncing her and talking to her.
Also, sometimes when you are getting angry, you need to put them some place safe and walk away for a couple minutes.