Best way to handle this situation?

srheflin91 · February 2013

My mother and I have never gotten along very well. Though I love her, as she is my mother, I do not like her nor her lifestyle/behavior. I've no problems with her seeing LO after birth, of course. It IS her grandchild, and I think regardless of my feelings it would be a bit mean to not allow her to visit at least once while we are in the hospital.

However, she is very immature, and has never been responsible. I mean this in that she spends far too much time and money on alcohol, and marijuana, then asks me for money to pay her bills(of course I have none at present to give!) My grandparents raised me as she could not and did not want to at the time. This is why we have a strained relationship.

Now that I've explained that, the real problem that I do not know how to handle is this: She tells me it is her "given right as my mother" to be there during the birth of LO, and I really have no say in her being in the room, though we have already explained to family that I do not want anyone but DH in the room while I give birth.

We've told family they are more than welcome to call, and if me and LO are awake, they can visit. This included my mother and her husband. She still tells me this is unfair of me, and that she should not have to wait at home or in a waiting room because it is "her right" to be in there, AND to hold LO first NOT me or DH.

Ladies, I really want to avoid being too cold about this, but I really am not comfortable with anyone but DH being there with me. How can I tell her to back off without being a total *** about it?

ohlordy · February 2013

You just have to stand your ground and tell her that your decision is final. You have to decide if your priority is to tend to your family of DH, LO, and you, or if your priority is to make sure your mom is happy and you aren't being "cold" about the situation. You do what YOU need to do. If mom throws a fit, let her. THAT is her given right to not like your decision, not to be in that room with you if you don't want her there.

I don't see you being cold about this, at all. Regardless of your relationship with your mother, it's your choice of who is in that room with you and who gets to spend the first moments with LO.

Good luck and don't stress about it.

wcvsb3b5 · February 2013

I completely agree with PP. It is your choice and she needs to accept that you only want DH in the room with you. I don't think it would be cold to just tell her straight up that that's how it's going to be; although she might try to make you feel like you are being cold. She needs to just deal.

Kurimja1210 · February 2013

I agree with PP as well. Nobody has the right to be there that you are uncomfortable with. Ask the nurse or other hospital staff to keep everyone out of the room except DH. I had a similar problem with future MIL when I delivered my first child. I told the nurse I didn't want anyone else in the room and she politely told FMIL that she couldn't be in there. Let the staff take some of that pressure off of you. They are there to help.

kimmarie1105 · February 2013

srheflin91:
My mother and I have never gotten along very well. Though I love her, as she is my mother, I do not like her nor her lifestyle/behavior. I've no problems with her seeing LO after birth, of course. It IS her grandchild, and I think regardless of my feelings it would be a bit mean to not allow her to visit at least once while we are in the hospital.
However, she is very immature, and has never been responsible. I mean this in that she spends far too much time and money on alcohol, and marijuana, then asks me for money to pay her bills(of course I have none at present to give!) My grandparents raised me as she could not and did not want to at the time. This is why we have a strained relationship.
Now that I've explained that, the real problem that I do not know how to handle is this: She tells me it is her "given right as my mother" to be there during the birth of LO, and I really have no say in her being in the room, though we have already explained to family that I do not want anyone but DH in the room while I give birth.
We've told family they are more than welcome to call, and if me and LO are awake, they can visit. This included my mother and her husband. She still tells me this is unfair of me, and that she should not have to wait at home or in a waiting room because it is "her right" to be in there, AND to hold LO first NOT me or DH.

Ladies, I really want to avoid being too cold about this, but I really am not comfortable with anyone but DH being there with me. How can I tell her to back off without being a total *** about it?

Well, it was YOUR God given right to have an actual mother to raise, love and guide you and that didnt pan out. Life is not fair. Keep this in mind and hold your ground. She will get over it, especially if she wants to be in her grandchilds life.

Mama-Bear · February 2013

She has NO rights. When I had DS1, I didn't even call my bio-father until we were home. I would tell her how it going to be, and tell her that if she presses the issue, you won't even call her until after the birth. Make sure to let the hospital staff know of your decision.

krissywave · February 2013

Stand your ground. Dont let someone tell you what they want. This is your body, and your choice on who to have in their with you. And remember if she tries to come in their you can always tell your nurse the only people allowed in your rooom is hospital staff and your DH

sometimesdee · February 2013

srheflin91:
She tells me it is her "given right as my mother" to be there during the birth of LO, and I really have no say in her being in the room, though we have already explained to family that I do not want anyone but DH in the room while I give birth.

What about her given responsibility as your mother to raise you and not mooch off of you? I don't know how you can put your foot down without offending her, but there is no way in hell she should hold the baby before you or your husband.

dande2129 · February 2013

srheflin91:
She tells me it is her "given right as my mother" to be there during the birth of LO, and I really have no say in her being in the room, though we have already explained to family that I do not want anyone but DH in the room while I give birth.

Um... it's actually not, and she needs to know that. Honestly, I would tell her calmly and politely (though you are a far better person than me to want to avoid being cold) that the hospital has regulations in place and if you didn't help make the baby and you aren't medical staff, you're banished to the waiting area if you so desire.

She sounds a lot like my father--- doesn't want to be involved in the hard stuff in raising a child/being a parental figure for that child as they grow, but wants to be around for all the fun, cutesy stuff in order to snap a few pictures and tell themselves that they're a good parent. I keep him at arms length.

jamesandmonika · February 2013

It's your choice who you have in the delivery room. I have a great relationship with my mother but I only want my husband there with me. It's our time. It's not a party in there!

meansbaby2013 · February 2013

I am sorry you had to go through this. It would be very hurtful to hear her say it is her "God given right as a mom..." especially since she never was a mom to you. Of course we all need to forgive, but it doesn't mean she gets to make these important decisions for you.

Just explain to her that you want it to be a private family time and you and your DH will be the first ones holding the baby.

Good luck!

jvaeth2012 · February 2013

I totally agree with what all PP's have said.

No one other than you and DH has any God given right to be there when LO is born. I'm extremely close to my mom. She has been present for every one of the births of her grandkids until now. DH and I have decided that with this being his first child we don't want extra people present. My mom has totally respected this decision.

Birthing babies isn't a show. It's a private moment between you and DH so it's up to you to decide who you want to share that with. If that decision is no body then your mom needs to respect that. Like I've heard said before, If she wasn't present during the making of the baby then she doesn't need to be present during the birth. The 2 of you got the baby in there just fine, you'll be just fine getting it out!!

mrsmcdonald · February 2013

She sounds a lot like my mother. Fortunately, I live half the country away from her, so I don't have to deal with her.

Your mother has no idea what a mother is supposed to be like, so I don't see how she has any "right" to be present at delivery. It sounds like she hasn't been present for you as a mother. I would just stand your ground and tell her no. I would probably not call her until after you delivery and have bonded, just so you don't have to deal with the stress of her potentially being at the hospital. And the idea that she should be the first to hold the baby is completely nutso. I wouldn't want her any where near the hospital.

Lariah14 · February 2013

Easy, just don't call her until *AFTER* the baby is born. She's going to throw a fit regardless. It's more important to not let her spoil the birth of your baby.

MamaKitty3 · February 2013

You are about to start down a path in life where the people you surround yourself with become important. It is also important that they be the kind of people you can rely on and who will nurture your life in the direction you would like. This should not include toxic people if you can avoid it. Sometimes you can't but you can definitely minimize it. I definitely understand how you still love her, I have something similar with my sister. We not speak and I see her at Holidays and minimize my interaction. Love her but I refuse to let her touch my life with her stupidity. My children have nothing to benefit from her. Cold, yes, but I find it necessary. Your mother lost her "right" as a mom when she decided not to raise you herself and do as a mom should, just like if a father chooses not to be dad. Enabling her will not help you or your growing family. Sometimes being the b**ch is the best thing you can do to make her realize that her life and your life just don't match up. You are going to do what she dropped the ball on. Be a MOM. Tell her, you will call her when you are ready for her to be there and that is that. If you tell the nurses station not to allow visitors until such a time, they will ban visitors. You can also have certain visitors come with a password and if they don't have it, they don't get in. Some may have a special list. If her name isn't on it, she cannot get in. The nurses are there to protect you and your baby. Ask your L&D what they do to limit or restrict visitors so your stay is an enjoyable one. Good luck, the decision is still yours and it is not an easy one but now it is no longer what is best for you and how you deal with it but you and your LO and will your LO be better for having your mother around throwing her "rights" around?

rm2013 · February 2013

I feel your pain OP. I'm dealing with an estranged birth mother who hadn't been in my life since I was 9 but now wants to be super grandma. Im like, are you effing kidding me? I don't want her in the same state when I'm giving birth much less in the room.

Make your position clear. This is not a time to try to be nice. Then, tell the hospital that only you and DH are allowed in the room, as PPs said they will enforce your wishes. And, like others said, grandparents have no rights.

If it were me, I wouldn't call her until after LO is born, and you're ready for her to visit. I would have her visit in the hospital, that way she'll be forced to keep it short and sweet. Good luck!

sucrets4 · February 2013

LMAO about her 'right' to be there and hold LO before you and H! Hellllllls no.

Ditto PPs about not calling her until you have the baby.

Sorry she has been such a crappy mom. :-(

GeeksWithSqueaks · February 2013

Even if you had the best relationship in the world, who goes in and who stays out of the hospital is UP TO YOU! There is no way to be too cold about it, I have a wonderful relationship with several members and they have been told that I would prefer to have some privacy for pushing and delivery and they all said fine, and were more then willing to wait outside or to go home and wait for the call. I would simply explain that this is a moment you wish to share with your LO and s/o, and that you appreciate how excited she is but this is your answer and its not going to change.

On a more non-helpful note: I was also raised by one my grandparents, and even they wouldn't have "the right" to be in that room, its an honor for someone to be asked to be there if you choose, (besides s/o's) so don't stress to much.

dmbaf69 · February 2013

Best Solutions: tell her its fine for her to come to the hospital that day, then ask the doctor to keep everyone out except DH. Then she can be mad at the DR/nurse and not at you. I know this sounds sneaky, but if you truly want her to not be mad at you, it's a solution.

wouldntitbenice · February 2013

YGPM

sararn2004 · February 2013

You may think you sound like a B, but you don't. Your mother is immature, like most people that choose alcohol and drugs above their responsibilities and family. I would also say, never give you money again if you know she is spending her money on drugs and alcohol.

My dh works with people addicted to drugs and alcohol, and your mother sounds like she has the same mentality. She's done nothing to "deserve" to be in the room. Besides, even if she was the most loving mother that gave everything up for you, it's your vajajay out on display in that room. You get to decide who is there.

You are not being a "B". She doesn't need to be there. She's going to think you are being a "B", but in my experience nothing you do will stop that. You'll just keep enabling her, and she'll keep taking advantage of you saying it's her "right as your mother".

EllaJax · February 2013

letranger:
Parents have rights Grandparents have privileges. She sounds like child.

Yes

Sarra21 · February 2013

I had this exact showdown with my own well-meaning but completely self-absorbed mother. She declared her "right" before I was even TTC. I have always maintained that this subject was not negotiable: the choice to have a private delivery was joint between DH and I, that her relationship to me is irrelevant and any ongoing attempts to manipulate us or the situation to fulfill her selfish ends, with no regard for my wishes or well-being, will result in diminished contact. Period.

It hurt ALOT to have to say that to her, because I do love her and I want her to feel special as my daughter's grandmother. However, it is not my fault or responsibility that she ruins the joy for herself and cannot establish or respect healthy boundaries.

I also find it helps to invoke the royal WE when enforcing tough decisions with all the grandparents: it's easier to undermine a choice that is presented as YOURS/HIS, whereas a choice presented as OURS is just harder for anyone to diminish.

It is NOT cold of you to draw a clear and reasonable boundary of privacy for yourself and your new family, but it will be an uncomfortable discussion no matter what because anything short of acquiescence to Mom's demands will be taken by Mom (and depicted) as selfish, b!t@hy disrespect on your part...which it isn't, but you can't change how she feels about the situation.

Stay calm and don't let it be an argument or discussion; She is welcome to come to the hospital to meet the baby after birth with all of the grandparents and you will call her to let her know when she can come. If she cannot respect yours and DH's wishes and continues to put pressure on you, then the result will be XYZ consequence (diminished contact, not notified until after baby is born, etc). At that point, don't be afraid to just walk away from the discussion and refuse to continue it under any circumstances.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know how painful it is to have someone like this in your life. Good luck and stand your ground!

bllongan · February 2013

Your situation sounds close to the same as me and my mom. She tried telling me that she would be in the delivery room because I would want someone with experience in there and that she was my mom. I nipped that in the bud really quick seeing as how we fight when we are together for more than 5 minutes. I told her that I wasn't comfortable having her in there due to how quickly our arguments escalate and that I just want it to be my husband and I in there for the birth of our first child. It took a few minutes but she finally said she understood. She hasn't acted like she was ok with it but I had to say what I needed to say to make it the least stressful for myself, my husband, and my child. Stand you ground and it'll be worth it!

RJM050705 · February 2013

Ditto everyone else, especially the sentiment "Parents have rights. Grandparents have privileges." If you and DH want this to be a private moment, that is your choice. I would definitely tell the nurses/hospital staff. They will totally run interference.

srheflin91 · February 2013

Thank you everyone. I guess I can't make everyone happy with this, but yes this will be out only child due to health issues on my part, so I do want it to be special, and NOT wracked with nerves and yelling, ect.

I do thank you all for giving the little "push" to make sure she knows this is MY choice NOT hers. *hugs to all*

jensriot · February 2013

letranger:
Parents have rights Grandparents have privileges. She sounds like child.

Well said.

dalzien · February 2013

letranger:
Parents have rights Grandparents have privileges. She sounds like child.

This. I would be incredibly firm and state that NO ONE but you and DH are going to be in L&D and that you are not having visitors, no matter who they are and what their relation is. If you feel she will go out of her way to side-step your wishes I would let the nurses know in advance that there are to be no guests, ABSOLUTELY no exceptions. If you feel you really need to get the point across let the nurses know that there are some family tensions and it is imperative that guests not be allowed to enter.

sweetpea2003 · February 2013

I LOVE my mother and she is one of my best friends.

I didn't call my mother until after my first baby was born (when my second child was born she babysat my first. so she knew I was in labor, but didn't attend the birth).

So... Take those two statements and take some comfort. My water broke at like 1AM, I went to the hospital, slept until about 8AM when they gave me some Pitocin to get my labor going. My DD was born a few hours later.

To me, there was no point in calling any family until we had our DD in our arms and had some time as our little family. It avoided any drama and any issues with them trying to crash the party.

Your feelings about your mom's immaturity are going to be totally amplified once this baby is born. You need to start standing your ground NOW. Draw boundaries and hold firm. You teach people how to treat you and you need to make sure she learns to respect your family unit, your choices as a mother (including the birth), and her place in that dynamic.

Good luck to you! I think you are going to need to channel your inner coldness a little bit in order to set healthy boundaries with her.

sowhatwhocares · February 2013

srheflin91:
My mother and I have never gotten along very well. Though I love her, as she is my mother, I do not like her nor her lifestyle/behavior. I've no problems with her seeing LO after birth, of course. It IS her grandchild, and I think regardless of my feelings it would be a bit mean to not allow her to visit at least once while we are in the hospital.
However, she is very immature, and has never been responsible. I mean this in that she spends far too much time and money on alcohol, and marijuana, then asks me for money to pay her bills(of course I have none at present to give!) My grandparents raised me as she could not and did not want to at the time. This is why we have a strained relationship.
Now that I've explained that, the real problem that I do not know how to handle is this: She tells me it is her "given right as my mother" to be there during the birth of LO, and I really have no say in her being in the room, though we have already explained to family that I do not want anyone but DH in the room while I give birth.
We've told family they are more than welcome to call, and if me and LO are awake, they can visit. This included my mother and her husband. She still tells me this is unfair of me, and that she should not have to wait at home or in a waiting room because it is "her right" to be in there, AND to hold LO first NOT me or DH.
Ladies, I really want to avoid being too cold about this, but I really am not comfortable with anyone but DH being there with me. How can I tell her to back off without being a total *** about it?

My mother didn't raise me either, and similarly has no respect for my boundaries. For that reason, I don't even take her calls.

You have *zero* responsibility to her. She is supposed to be responsible to you. You are a mommy now, and you need to ask yourself, if I did this to my child, how would I want my child to feel or respond?

I want my baby boy to grow up to be a person who protects himself from anyone who crosses his boundaries, no matter who.

Tell her no. I am angry on your behalf!!

carig63 · February 2013

Let your L&D nurses do it for you. You don't have to call her when you go to the hospital, and if she shows up and demands to be allowed in, make sure they have strict instructions that no one but you and DH are in the room. End of story.

You can even have the hospital not release that you're even admitted. Then she'll have no way of "stalking" whether you've checked in or not.

Strozyk Hayes · February 2013

I just went through a simular ordeal. I feel the same about my mom (she is big on perscription pain relievers) uggg. She pressured me for months. I finally told her it would stress me out and that would nit be good for the baby as stress harms them and having her there stressing me out was not worth loosing my baby over. I also told her that when i went into labor wi th my son i called to let her know and she flipped! Started yelling at me then my husband who held the phone two feet away! She was shocked as she didnt remember that.

She kinda dropped it but brought it up again. I told the hospital staff no one but my hubby. Its a locked facility oto protect patients. And i didnt even bother letting her know until after the baby was born then her and dad and sis came to visit. It was ok for 20 min then I was a little tense. But she tried to be good.

Last night my parents met my hubbys for the first time and it was ok for a few then I was stressed and trying so hard to be calm. My inlaws were worried sick about me. They could tell I was upset. I had told them this was stressful for me so they knew. My mother cracked a joke something like. Ive raised five babies and didnt kill any of them so i think i can handle this. I just looked at her and she tried to make a joke well just one but...OMG! (My brother died when he was five in a car accident) who makes a joke like that. Then joked about abandoning me! Really mom...(my sister had heart surgery when i was born and they let my aunt and uncle care for me) she has held that over my head my whole life cause I bonded with my aunt not her. I was mortified.

Anyhow fears like that are valid so if your stressed dont even tell her when you go to labor, heck dont tell anyone just enjoy your birth and first day with hubby and baby its all about you guys anyway. I wish you luck, a wonderful birth experience and sending lots of hugs your way.

penguingrrl · February 2013

I don't understand why someone would want to watch their daughter/daughter in law give birth. That's absurd! That said, if you don't want to be seen as the rude one, I would tell her that it's hospital policy that you can only have one support person in there and that's your husband. Then when you get there inform the nursing staff that you don't want anyone in there and they will make sure she stays out.

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