How does this happen and what are your thoughts?

dmndsr4eva · February 2013

I have read a lot of your situations over the past year or two and a lot of your situations allegedly involve a neglectful BM and sometimes BD. I wonder what are your thoughts that your H picked a woman like that to procreate with? A lot of you have terrible things to say about BM's personality and ability to parent properly. I just wonder what your thoughts are on how and why your H would have ended up with someone who is allegedly such an inadequate human being? And whether or not that reflects on your H in anyway?

I just wonder this because I presume BD's GF thinks the worst of me however I knew BD since I was 16 years old. He knew me fairly well when we finally "fell in love" when I was 28 years old. He certainly thought that I was a good enough person to fall in love with and have a child.

I guess I don't really have a point. I'm just trying to get some of you to see if from another perspective.

mtpgroove · February 2013

People always say they are your X for a reason.

awesomenus1341 · February 2013

In our case, DH and BM knew each other in high school, they dated off and on but her dad "forbade" them from being together, which made her the "untouchable" girl and only drove his desire for her. They were both the kind of kids skipping school, getting into things they shouldn't be, spent half their time in alternative school, or detention, or whatever (where as my best friends were the top 10 of my school). When DH left for the navy, she was the only one that kept in touch, and I think having someone show that they. They started "dating," her parents kicked her out on her 18th birthday because they didn't approve and she told them to F-off. DH was getting in trouble in the Navy and kept losing pay because of it. He flew home, married her on Wednesday afternoon, and flew back to base. He got an increase in pay, she got benefits. He was pretty terrible back then, and openly admits how much he used the fact that she was head over heels for him to get what he wanted or needed, although I do think he cared more about her than what he wants to admit nowadays. When things started going sour, he filed for divorce, and suddenly she announced that she was pregnant. It was too complicated (and expensive) with military insurance for prenatal care to bother with the divorce, especially since he was deployed, stationed in another state, and she was living back with her parents.

DH was abandoned by his BD and went through multiple, terrible, step-dads (we aren't talking they didn't get along, we are talking men that are now in state prisons for the things they did). He tried to stick it out for SS, and it didn't work out. By the time he got back from deployment, and re-stationed in the same state, he had started getting his life together, straightened up, decided to make something of himself. They separated and started seeing other people. When I came in the picture, BM dictated exactly when, where, and for how long DH saw SS. I told him flat out that either he stepped up and got his rights sorted out, became a better father to his son, or moved along, because I will not be having children with someone who doesn't even take care of the child he already has. DH was a different person when I met him, 10 years after he first met BM. He has a lot of regret and guilt from back then, and rightly so, but he has moved forward, and she is still stuck in HS.

Hopeforthebest · February 2013

Oh yes ma'am ! I've wondered that question silently to myself on many occasions.

Only because I've witnessed BM and her phoney bologna sweet attitude do I feel confident enough to say this.... DH was fooled. BIG TIME. I blame him too for being played so easily. He isn't completely innocent by any means but she is a work of art.Master manipulator and all is fine and dandy as long as she is getting it her way. God help you if she doesn't then you see her true colors and they are UG-LY! He got into the routine of "keeping the peace" and he was to blame for that. He allowed it and paid the price.

FutureMrsWittig · February 2013

My DH was 17 when he started dating BM, 19 when they had SD, and 22 when they broke things off. They didn't want the same things out of life. Plain and simple.

I think over the years their clashing opinions have led to a low-level contempt. Normally when 2 people part ways because they can't agree on basic right-wrong-what-we-want-what-we-don't-want things, it's the end and they move on. But when kids are involved those differing views continue to clash. And over the years resentment can build and things can get ugly.

In my case, no, I don't think BM, or his procreating with her is any reflection of him as a person. I think it is a reflection of a decision he made as a teen. And I do my best not to think of BM as a bad person, but as someone who just chooses to live differently than we do. Is it still annoying when her choices screw up our lives, yes. But that doesn't mean we're always right and she's always wrong. And I'm sure we annoy her lots too.

socloudy99 · February 2013

DH shouldn't (and really wasn't) in a relationship with BM#1. They were both young and really dumb. She drives me nuts sometimes and is hard to coparent with but she is a good mother. DH really loved BM#2. He married her and thought that was his forever family. She was the same mother then but he was in the home and able to handle things himself. Her parenting is more of an issue now that he isn't in the home to do those important things. She is also REALLY hard to coparent with. She only thinks he is their dad if money is due. DH planned to stay forever but after BM cheated on him twice (as in two relationships with other men not two incidents) he couldn't take it anymore. I like to think this time around he is older with more life experience so he choose based on different priorities then he did in his early 20s. We all grow up at sometime.

dor79 · February 2013

I think husbands XW is a great mother but a pretty selfish human being.

She cheated on husband several times, then packed up the house and left while he was at work (not knowing it was gonna happen). She spent the last 8 years with a great guy whom she left when he ran into financial trouble and is now seriously dating a rather wealthy widower (we haven't met him yet, but the kids praise him because he is rich and buys them things). I don't understand how my husband was with her for so long.... they are just completely different people

jenjen930 · February 2013

My DH swears she was not always like this. They were young (19 and 21) when they met and he says she was a good person back then. As they grew up they just grew in different directions. She never really matured, and she didn't get what she wanted out of life - making her bitter and resentful. I do believe him, because honestly I have seen her decline alot even since I have known him.

She wanted her life to be like my MIL's. FIL worked hard his whole life and retired with a pension. MIL stayed home and raised the kids. Except at the time they couldn't afford for her to not work, and my DH was to discover (the hard way) that she didn't want to cook and clean and take care of the baby. He was supposed to work and take care of things around the house when he got home. Not a good partnership at all. So they argued.

When he found his career and doubled his income, she thought she would have it made. She could kick him out - thereby not having to argue with him, but still get his money. After all, she was the SAHM, right? He needed to pay her for that, even though it was her choice. So she divorced him, figuring she would get the best of both worlds. His money, and his absence. But alas, it was not meant to be.

They were only married for 5 years. He paid her bills and gave her child support until the divorce was final. That was considered his spousal support. Once it was final, he was only responsible for child support. And reality set in. But I digress.

When I first met him she had a job (part time, but better than nothing), and still took decent care of herself. She seemed to have her life together - or was at least getting it together. Nowadays, she has no job, no teeth (she rarely puts her dentures in), no car, no pride, and a messy disgusting house. She goes nowhere, does nothing, and is completely miserable. So she is bitter and angry and doesn't really bother parenting much.

So I guess the answer to your question is that there was no way to know when she was 21 that she would turn into what she is today. So no, I don't think that reflects on H. He probably could have seen some of the signs, but he was young and in love (as the cliche goes). It took a long time for her true colors to really show.

+just+j+ · February 2013

People make bad choices. Speaking as someone who actually made a bad choice i think I can tell you why.

I ignored the red flags, I believed way too much in my abilities to control the drama and chaos. I foolishly thought all his kids needed was structure and stability - AND I also foolishly thought that people would actually respect me as I would respect someone trying to help me in the same fashion. Not so. Some people just see that as an opportunity to take advantage and I did not have the self check within myself to see that soon enough.

Plus I have tendency to want to rescue people. It's not a conscious trait, but I have a soft spot and I like to fix problems or come up with solutions for people. I am learning that I define my self worth by being someone else's hero. I think men also like to do that. They like to rescue poor women who need a big strong man to take care of them and then those women don't pull their own weight in the relationship or take it for granted.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. It's my personal flaw that I'm working on so that I don't make the same mistake again. Some people learn from their bad choices, some don't.

Littlejen22 · February 2013

My DH would be the first to say he was not perfect when he was younger. But my SD is 23 so that was a lifetime ago. I do think the past is a good indicator for the future very often but that people can change for the better or worse. But while DH and bM were married they did not decide to procreate, that just happened so I know a lot of these stories were not situations were the couple was trying to get PG and then they broke up, a life came out of these relationships even the onenightstands so I would never call them mistakes but they were not on purpose in probably most of these real negative cases. In our situation I can say that BM is not the person she was even when I met her when SD was 11, SD was living with BM, I never thought she would move across the country and act like she was not a Mom. I guess the warning signs were there but before that I never really even knew Moms did that.

But you also know that there are many exaggeration on here and many stories where the wonderful DH is just as sucky or more sucky but the new wife/girlfiend is in denial even if it is not so new.

bejarfamily · February 2013

LOL! Wow, I have always wondered if people ever thought that or if I was the only one that worried about it!. BM is skizo-affective bipolar and has at least 3 distinct personalities. There are a lot of different situations that sometimes do actually reflect on the BD or BM about their poor choices but on this one, my DH was tricked and she unfortunately openly tells our three SSs that she "just wanted to see if she could get him" "never loved" him and just wanted to marry a guy who made a lot of money. (Boy was she disappointed when she found out DH got his fancy car from his dad but worked a medium-level job himself because he hated the stress his dad dealt with and wanted to have more time with his future children than his own dad had spent with him!) My DH had just come out of a relationship where his best friend ran off with his fiance, he was hurt and just appreciated the attention. She was living with a pastor and trying to stay away from her dad who thinks some guy in IN is god and really took him for a whirl and says she purposefully lied about herself, her ambitions, man is she an excellent con-artist. Still to this day she gets boyfriends, tells them she is single, never married and no kids, says the kids are her sister's and when she gets out of jail in a year she will not have them anymore, or that she runs a weird 24 hr daycare 3 days a week, or that her sister died and the kids dad works as a fireman 3 days a week which is why she has the kids then... She only dates guys who work at Raytheon or IBM or other top-earning companies on myspace and depending on which personality she is at the time she is really good at acting any part for as long as a year at a time.

So, yes. Marrying her was the result of being lied to and not having his head on straight, leaving a bad relationship only to jump into a worse one. Yes, I make the more important decisions around here but he is still a good person. Many intelligent engineers are still duped by her conning ways!

ldmessing · February 2013

My ex and I married way too young, we split amicably and still successfully coparent 2 daughters. our current spouses have no issues with either of us, and we all get along great. the exception, not the rule I know

MsRo1976 · February 2013

andrea99:
Hopeforthebest:
Oh yes ma'am ! I've wondered that question silently to myself on many occasions. Only because I've witnessed BM and her phoney bologna sweet attitude do I feel confident enough tonbsp;say this.... DH was fooled. BIG TIME. I blame him too for being played so easily. He isn't completely innocent by any means but she is a work of art.Master manipulator and all is fine and dandy as long as she is getting it her way. God help you if she doesn't then you see her true colors and they are UGLY! He got into the routine of "keeping the peace" and he was to blame for that. He allowed it and paid the price.
Could have written this myself. In our case, BM is one of those women with low self esteem who changes her personality based on who she's with. She becomes the man she dates. DH let me look at pictures from when they were together, and I did not even recognize her. She was the perfect girl next door. Now she's a crazy punk kid with a sleeve of tattoos and a mohawk. Now how does that happen in that short amount of time??

This too... our BM changes religions with each guy. Her current H is Jehovah's Witness, so they are converting (but not the kids). Before that she was Wiccan, and she has "looked into" Judaism and Buddhism as well. Considering she has a large crucifix across her back, I am not so sure she is a good fit. My H was 19 when he met her, married her at 22, and had kids 2 years later. BM is an OK mom- she serves her needs before she serves the kids needs, but we are always here to smooth things over. Her current H is a jerk though and bad mouthes us to the kids, and also tells them to ask us for stuff since we are "rich." It's all a game, but I can see why he fell for her. She is very charming and attractive, but she is a lost soul that he thought he could save. He couldn't, and neither will this H of hers.

2chatter · February 2013

DH was a moron.

He was dating BM, but knew she was insane. She was willing to deal with his insane work schedule and he could hook up with her, she liked to drink, etc. so he was still hooking up with her but was withdrawing. Sensing this, she went off BC, swore she was on it and admitted to trapping him. She has told SS since he was 3 he was an accident and she never really wanted him.

SD came from DH and BM getting drunk one night (BM wanted more kids, DH wanted out and had been abstaining for some time). DH finally left when SD was 7. IMO, took him long enough, but I try to focus on the upside - that he only stayed for the children and that is admirable - but not at the cost of crazy emotional and sometimes physical abuse....I feel badly for skids.

karatechrissy · February 2013

DH and BM 'dated' from the time he was 14 - 19. They broke up and got back together more times then I think either of them could tell you. Between a break up DH started dating me, and BM sent me death threats over myspace and told anyone who would listen she was going to end me. She was 17 at the time, I was 19. We dated a while and it got way to crazy dramatic so we broke up. then DH came back and said he was done with BM, she is crazy bla bla bla... we got back together and then he found out BM was pregnant. I told him peace out good luck with everything and that I hoped they could make it work. They got married, were together for 2 years, I got with another guy and was pretty serious with him. We were talking moving in together and marriage. I had a panic attack because I couldn't see myself with him forever and ended our relationship. about 2 months later DH was calling my phone and telling me his marriage was over and he wanted to see me. I didn't at first, I knew BM was BSC but we just couldn't stay away from each other. Engaged 6 months into dating and were married a year after that.

After their divorce BM went party mode crazy. She moved in and out of 7 different men's houses in the first year of their divorce. She was out all night, would leave SS with DH for a couple weeks at a time before using her time. Then she met a big D bag and married him and moved in after 2 months of meeting him. They were married 2 years, and separated 3 times during then. she moved out 3 times during their marriage and finally left him last spring for good. She got pregnant 2 moths after divorcing him by another douche and... well... now she is pregnant living in a room in her parents house. She has been a mess since she was a teenager. DH was young and stupid and pro-created with a person that he didn't know. Neither of them knew who they were, they were still teenagers. BM still had her senior yr of hs to get through when she got pregnant. He was a horny teen and back then was definitely not the man he is today. I can't judge him for making mistakes as a teen. I can't blame him that he kept going back to a BSC girl... he was a teenager and stupid. All I know is that we have a beautiful family now. I truly believe having SS made DH grow up and changed him to the man he is now. He is a loving father and wonderful husband.

But our BM is legitimately BSC. She has borderline personality disorder, diagnosed while they were married. She refuses counseling for it and refuses to acknowledge she has a problem. whatever.

sweetdreamz6700 · February 2013

I think the same thing allll the time. WTF were you thinking FI?!?!

I'm noticing a familar trend w/ these backstories that is also true in our relationship. FI and BM were young when they were together. Met in Middle/High school. They were barely out of thier teens when SS1 was born (BM actually wasn't). FI and BM were never married but had a relationship full of ups and downs. FI stayed and tried to do right by his family, BM left for whatever reason that time. I do think that his self asteem was quite low. But as I understand it, BM wasn't always the way she is now. I can't say that I hate her or anything like that. I just don't understand or agree w/ her life choices sometimes. And the manipulation is a bit out of control IMO. I don't think FI's past decisions reflect badly on him at all. He's grown up and moved on and up.

sabrina69barnes · February 2013

I hold DH responsible for who he had kid's with but it doesn't make me think less of him. Everyone makes mistakes and has to potential to misjudge someone, myself included.

DH and BM grew up in the same town. They were 3 (18 & 21) years apart and always knew of each other. They stared dating when BM was right out of highschool. According to DH, BM was sweet and he thought demonstrated values that were important to him. At the time DH didn't know it but BM is Bi-Polar and was medicated. She was on B/C when they were first dating. BM decided to stop taking B/C and her meds at the same time but didn't tell anyone. A few weeks later she was pregnant. By this point they had been dating a few months. BM was the first woman DH was with and he loved her so he proposed. A few weeks after that they got married. BM started acting Bi-Polar but everyone told DH it was just hormones. BM's mom found her B/C and meds and was able to tell when she stopped taking them. She told DH. DH's and BM's marriage took a nosedive after that. BM lied again about B/C when SD was 1mo old and DH was an idiot. BM got pregnant and SS was born when SD was 10mo old. After that pregnancy BM was still irrational and not only refusing help but denying that she was ever Bi-Polar. When SS was over a year old DH finally decided to leave BM.

Did DH make mistakes? Yes. Do I hold him responsible for his choices? Yes. Do I judge him or think less of him? No.

DS1's BF is a sociopath, as in this is a diagnosis from a doctor. I had no idea until after I was pregnant with DS. I was naive and shouldn't have been so trusting. At the same time he went to great lengths to pretend to be someone he wasn't and cover up his lies. At 17/18 I didn't know how to or think to do the fact checking I would have needed to, to see who he really was.

I'm not completely without blame with what happened between BF and I but that whole experience taught me how manipulative people can be.

Ilumine · February 2013

My DH had/has issues from his own parent's divorce and father's subsequent abandoment of his entire (as in DH's dad broke off all contact with his own mother, father, brothers and sisters, not just leaving DH and SILs) framily.

DH met SD first. He heard the "woes is me" story BM was spouting (how she got nocked up by a married SNCO who did not do right by her and the baby) and his issues and need to love someone kicked in.

BM saw the sucker coming from a mile away and was happy to snow DH long enough to get him to marry her and adopt DD (all the better to have financial security my pretty).

It wasnt until the marriage that she went from nice and normal to selfish and a bit crazy.

Do I fault DH for being snowed? No.

Do I fault DH for staying married to her, after all of the "bad" things she did? Yes.

Do I fault DH for not standing up to BM for all the various "slights" over the years? You betcha.

Was I snowed a bit by DH? Yeppers. I saw how he parented SD and thought - this is a man who I can marry. Unfortunately, he is not he same parent with SS.

jennipalmer · February 2013

My DH has joked how could I have been with ExH I just say I was young. I met him the day I graduated HS had daughter 1 year and half later and 3 years later my son. I wanted to stay with ExH but I grew up and he didn't sure he wasnt 18 anymore but he didn't show responsiblity or drive for more. I grew up pretty fast I worked, did mostly everything for two kids and my dying mother. He would come home from work at 3pm and fall asleep in his dirty construction clothes IN MY BED because he was to tired to take them off. We would often eat dinner very late or take out because he wouldnt put the meatlof or cassarole in oven that I prepared earlier. I don't think my ExH is bad or bad father I just wanted more in life and a bit of help. My DH helps me more emotionally and in general which is ironic because he is military and we are often apart.

I am more upset with ExH with what happened after I left him and he still trys to go out of way to make things difficult for me. I have dealt and overcome most of it but some of it still stings but would I ever want him back NOT EVER

cole2144 · February 2013

DH met BM right after he graduated high school. They both did drugs. BM`s best friend, and her older sister had babies and shock of shocks she ended up pregnant. Her excuse to DH was "Oh I told you I stopped taking BC." Uhh no, no guy forgets something like that. Not to mention, why would you stop taking it when you are in a relationship. BM has no manners and thinks everyone owes her something which is why she never got along with DH`s family. After he went to rehab, she was mad because he made the decision to go back to school rather than get an apartment. He tried to work on their relationship after he got back but she did not feel she needed to change at all and it was all on him. Also after rehab, he would get calls to pick her up because she was drunk and passed out at a party so he would have to take the baby out in the middle of the night to get her.They were constantly arguing and not staying in the same room. When he dumped her. she refused to move out until after Thanksgiving (they were living with DH`s parents who threw her out after that), he dumped her 2 weeks before. BM comes from unhappy parents who refuse to divorce because of their religion. I think she thought no matter how unhappy they both were, DH would stay because of SD. DH stayed for as long as he did because he knew BM is the kind of vindictive person that would try to push him out of SD`s life which is still the case. DH often says he thought he could change her or that she would change but it never happened.

ambrvan · February 2013

When we were dating, I did wonder if it was a reflection of DH as a person amd whether or not I was getting into something I was prepared for or not. And truthfully, even he will say that his tie with BM and everything he did then is a reflection of the person he was THEN. But people change and he is not the same now.

DH had known BM their whole lives she is four years older, and had always been good friends. DH was going through a divorce at 21 years old, was drunk at a party, and woke up at BMs apartment with no memory of the deed ever happening. He went on about his business with no idea SD was on her way until 3 weeks before she was born.

DH says he never would have imagined BM would turn out to do the things she has done. She had two other children before SD, and it seemed thay she was a good enough mother.

She was a liar to start with and had no problems cheating the state on welfare. Then it started to get worse. She stole anything she saw. She was constantly on probabtion for something. And then the drug use surfaced.

It took a little while longer to pick up on the sexual abuse, and it took even longer to figure out that BM was the one doing it.

Believe me, neither one of us came into this saying she was a horrible mother. But it turned out thay way.

J&A2008 · February 2013

Diamonds, aren't you in this group? or have you melded with mom2one into one poster in my head?

fellesferie · February 2013

Doesn't everyone have past relationships they regret?

I'm frequently quick to judge, and I don't think one bad partner says much negative about anyone. I'd probably still give someone a pass for two. Three or more and I would start to question.

When I met XH I was barely 18 and had recently been raped. My self esteem was trashed. XH is a very big guy and he made me feel safe. It was never an amazing relationship but I thought it was good enough.

Things were okay (not good, but not bad either) until we a) had a baby; and b) moved away from his family. His family worships the ground he walks on, and I didn't step into that role when we moved. So he found someone else who did.

I have no clue what he tells his gf about me.

cole2144 · February 2013

fellesferie:
Doesn't everyone have past relationships they regret?
I'm frequently quick to judge, and I don't think one bad partner says much negative about anyone. I'd probably still give someone a pass for two. Three or more and I would start to question.
When I met XH I was barely 18 and had recently been raped. My self esteem was trashed. XH is a very big guy and he made me feel safe. It was never an amazing relationship but I thought it was good enough.
Things were okay (not good, but not bad either) until we a) had a baby; and b) moved away from his family. His family worships the ground he walks on, and I didn't step into that role when we moved. So he found someone else who did.
I have no clue what he tells his gf about me.

First I`m sorry you had to go through that.

As for the bold part,I agree with this and I am really glad DH never judged me for my past choices. DH told me when we talk about the past that they both made mistakes and that he tried to work on things but BM was unwilling to admit her part in their bad relationship. He did not want to live the rest of his life unhappy and though SD would be better with at least one happy parent alone rather than two unhappy parents together.

Annplus1 · February 2013

LOL I am the BM in my case and my XH would tell you I ruined his life. I never accepted him for who he was, and I do everything I can to keep him away from his DD. He's right, I didn't accept who he became. Or more, I grew up and he didn't. I stopped tolerating the drug use, the partying, the cheating. If you ask him, I am a terrible person, but an awesome mom. If you were to ask me, I would say nothing. I chose to procreate with this person. I knew (if I would have admitted it to myself, which I clearly did not) it was a bad idea, that we had gone too far apart.

I know in my case he has to blame me, make me the bad guy for him to deal with all that he did. I am not the person he portrays me to be to strangers and the GF he is with. (for the record, I NEVER withhold visitation, nor infringe on his time in anyway. It's not in the best interest of my DD, and that is my main focus)

lily_721 · February 2013

DH was 19 y/o just back from a year's deployment. She was the bikini girl who walked around the gym on an army base. Yes, I am eye-rolling as I write this. DH knew his family would never approve and didn't tell them about her. They eloped and he finally broke the news when she was 6 months pregnant.

She is an awful mother and truly horrible person. She has four children and doesn't have any of them. Seriously, I have more to do with other two children than she does. We are in touch with the family who adopted the boys' siblings.

Sunday924 · February 2013

DH was 17 still in HS and hadn't known BM very long at all. Long story short she told him she was pregnant so they started having sex without a condom and then she got pregnant. She was trash then she is trash now.

DH met BM 2 in HS also. He dated her on and off and had a planned baby at 24. DH will openly admit he was stupid. She is a good mom just likes to make our life hell.

Sigir · February 2013

Wow I am going to save this thread to show my dd's if they ever come home engaged at 18! Sounds like that's the running theme... Getting married or pregnant too young is a mistake.

I know it was for me too!

dmndsr4eva · February 2013

J&A2008:
Diamonds, aren't you in this group? or have you melded with mom2one into one poster in my head?

I don't have any BM issues really. Relatively minor issues with BM from my last relationship but nothing like her being crazy or a bad mother. Her and I are good friends now and she has been a huge support to me since my break up. BD isn't a bad father per se. His flaw is that he doesn't seem to have any family values and has had no problem leaving three families he started. His main character flaw is that he seems to not be able to maintain a relationship past 3-4 years. Which I guess would be fine if the relationships didn't involve toddlers and young kids which all of his have. I should have seen that pattern and run for the hills. I would be really surprised if this girl he's with now lasts for more than his typical 3-4 years. He gets bored and moves on after a few years. However his ex and I have identified that money motivates him and his current GF makes really good money so maybe she'll fair better than the rest of us poorer ones did.

Jessys_Girl · February 2013

It's funny you brought this up. DH and I were just talking about this the other day. Basically it boils down to a few things:

1 when they had the kids DH and BM were young and unequipped to handle the real life adult stuff. Not a negative on either one of them, just a fact.

2 they both had horrible parents, neglectful, abusie, etc. so they could relate to each other, I'm sure it's how they got together and stayed together so long.

3 the difference is DH got sick of living what he calls "the crazy, dramatastic, white trash life" and started making some changes and learning/growing. BM did not follow suit.

So NOW BM looks like the "bad guy". Though we have an ok relationship with her, but she does struggle in the parenting department and DH looks golden, but I recognize that he wasn't always as mature as he is now.

kali55 · February 2013

DH and BM got together while they were young and partying, married shortly after and had children shortly after that.

I don't think our BM is a horrible person. She makes decisions that I don't agree with, but I haven't had to walk a mile in her shoes so I try to save the judging for when her decisions negatively impact my household and even then I try to understand where she is coming from.

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