my husband seems like hes giving up

fullofhope3001 · January 2013

We have been trying for a year and then i was given clomid but my cycles were delayed due to insulin resistance. My doctors are super careful. My husband however is now saying maybe we weren't meant to be parents and why should we bother to keep getting our hopes up when they always seem to get dashed. Any advice for talking to him and making him understand that sometimes we can get what we want when we want. It was so hurtful but I dont want him to give up on having a family.

scbedi · January 2013

I think PP said it perfectly. No one expects to be in this position but yet, here we are. I have talked to my DH about how far we are willing to go with treatments before we decide to do adoption. I think it is an important conversation to have. Good luck!

ksgsmu · January 2013

Like PP said... talk to him about his feelings of discouragement. Ask him how involved in the process he wants to be (sometime we give them too much info that puts stress on them because they really don't understand it all. Talk about worst case scenarios and what your limits are. Let him talk and get it all out. He may just be discouraged and needs to vent. After you have listened to him fully then tell him your feelings etc...

Good luck! Wish you the very best!

briannaasaro · January 2013

As a therapist, I have counseled couples who have infertility issues (and lo and behold, my husband and I became one of those couples... sigh).

What I can tell you is that women don't hide their disappointment. Which is great in some ways, but really hard for the husbands. Here's just a couple things to think about from his perspective that may in turn help you talk to him:

1. Men will take on the stress of their wives. We women want babies so badly, and when it doesn't happen like it's supposed to, we get a little, well, crazy. We all do. We temp. We check our CM. We make sure we have sex on the RIGHT days. Wow. We've just about taken all the romance out of making a baby! But more than that, our husbands hate to see us so stressed out and disappointed every month. Oftentimes, a man's solution is to move forward. It's stressful for them when we're stressed.

2. We women are RELENTLESS when we want to have a baby. Men... eh. Not so much. Men don't generally turn 16 years old and dream of being Mr. Daddy. So when things get rough in the conception area, they tend to let go of that dream easier than we do. Men are also wired to move on if a problem is not immediately solvable.

3. Women will do whatever it takes. Most men will see fertility treatment as going above and beyond the "normal." This can be seen by men in more than one way. First, a man may think he's "less than a man" if he can't get his wife knocked up the normal way. And secondly, while we're all about getting injections and getting poked and prodded, many men don't think any of that is worth it and accept "fate"... as it were.

Many of us women have extremely accommodating husbands. God knows my husband hated getting his SAs done. But he did it. But we also talked about it and it all made him feel horrible. He's already at the point where he'd like to adopt than go through the "process" of trying to get pregnant now. And to be honest, I get it. Totally.

So when you talk to him, make sure and ask him WHY he wants to give up. What is it about the process that worries, scares or pisses him off? Once you know that, the conversation will flow naturally and you can talk about why you still WANT to try. Explain that it hurts you, but remember, he might be hurting too.

I wish you a ton of luck. But don't let it ruin your marriage! Stay strong and do what feels right for you both!!!

fullofhope3001 · February 2013

Thank you. I am new to the boars so dont know how to add my signature just yet but I will look into it. I am seeing both doctors and they are very careful. I had a spike in my a1c suddenly so they want that stabilized before they allow me to take the Clomid. My husband is just getting to the point where he is taking everything as a sign. I also think his parents are getting to him, they never liked me and now on top of it I havent given them a grandchild how dare I! I have had TV ultrasounds blood work and everything you can imagine done my uterus looks good and yes I do have pcos but at the moment there arent any cysts but my follices are underdeveloped. We have been trying for over a year and at this point that is why my drs agreed on clomid...I am also a clomid baby so there is a family history of it working well so we are all hopeful. It is hard to see unsavory people having multiple children with no problem and watching those kids not be appreciated the way they should be. It is unlucky, it is unfair but unfortunetley it runs in my family. 6 women on my side suffer from fertility issues. One of which was never able to concieve no matter what they tried. I am so hopeful but he is so down and defeated. He came up fine in testing so I told him dont be so hard on himself we will be a family one day it just wont be in our time but he is taking this so hard.

fullofhope3001 · February 2013

While we have spoken of adoption he seems against it. He wants to see himself and myself in our child. He doesnt ever want to tell a child that we are not their bi rth parents. I told him that it isnt the end of the world if we had to adopt but he is so fearful that he wouldnt love the child the way it should be loved.

fullofhope3001 · February 2013

You are so right. I have called myself neurotic during this and he does take on my pain. I am 32 he is a 29 so we are at that point where we waited and now we feel lik e we shouldn't have. Its almost like we were so careful not to get pregnant and the way he sees it now we are paying for "being selfish". I keep telling him we did nothing wrong we were just ensuring the best life for our baby and their is nothing selfish about that. I just dont know what to do for him. I will try having a more calm talk with him. Its just so hard he get so emotional.

my husband seems like hes giving up

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