Now for the Positive!

awesomenus1341 · February 2013

It's just been a BF event filled week I guess. About 2 weeks ago, as in our last weekend with SS, I posted about being frustrated that BM called up DH asking him to take SS for the weekend and to pick him up early from her house because she had a job interview. Well, surprise surprise, this weekend she calls again last night asking DH to get SS before 12 today because she has to go out of town for her new job (I guess the interview went well), some sort of mobile animal clinic or something. DH asked what I thought. I took y'all's advice, and told him to do whatever he felt best, but until Friday evening, if he chooses to get SS early, it will be on his time, and by himself, because I am not letting her dictate how I spend my time again. I have just finished working 6 night shifts in the past 7 days...thats 72+ hours this week, and I am exhausted, wanting to get back onto a proper schedule, and I haven't been able to get anything done during the day this week because I have been sleeping in order to work at night, this afternoon is my one day with no prior engagements to do what I want or need to do. DH talked to BM and told her that she would have to figure something out, we will be out to pick up SS at our scheduled time per CO. He was shocked when all she said was "OK".

We talked a bit about how she knows she can use DH and she always makes him feel like she has no other options, but ultimately she is going to do whatever she wants whenever she wants, it's just convenient to call him up and get him to do whatever she needs by acting helpless. I was so proud that he finally stood his ground, no excuses, no explanations, just a plain and simple "no".

In other news- I found out DH had originally filed for divorce 1 month before she told him she was pregnant....Not that big of a deal, but it just confirmed the thought I had about her only having SS to keep DH around

And the latest news...BM's mom (SS's grandmother) just had her baby, 7 weeks early. That makes Grandma, Grandpa, their 29 year old son, his 8 year old daughter, their 25 year old daughter (BM), her 3 year old son (SS), and now their brand new baby boy (SS's uncle) all living together in their double-wide, well, once he is released from the NICU that is. Fortunately, I don't think there were any genetic problems, or complications other than his early arrival. I swear, the crazy never ends!

bejarfamily · February 2013

I personally would never tell BM no. If she doesn't want her own kids, let her give them to me. I'd rather have them anyways and they would rather be with us! I go out of my way, leave work, do whatever is necessary to have our three SSs. I guess you will think that is too much but that's the way I live my life. I love them too much to not have them around if given the chance. (This is why we end of having them the majority of the time!) BTW, I don't do it for this reason, I do it because I just simply miss the kids too much when they aren't with us (even for 3 days), but there is another reason to take advantage of 'extra' time. At the end of every year if you file with your state exactly how much time your child actually spent with both parents vs. what the CO states the CS will get reduced by that percentage for the previous year and you will get a credit! (some states may be different but that's how it is here). It is not something our state even tells you about, I just know someone who tried it and it worked so this year will be my first to try

mccall0113 · February 2013

Wow. Just wow. Get some sleep!

awesomenus1341 · February 2013

bejarfamily:
I personally would never tell BM no. nbsp;If she doesn't want her own kids, let her give them to me. nbsp;I'd rather have them anyways and they would rather be with us! nbsp;I go out of my way, leave work, do whatever isnbsp;necessarynbsp;to have our three SSs. nbsp;I guess you will think that is too much but that's the way I live my life. nbsp;I love them too much to not have them around if given the chance. nbsp;This is why we end of having them the majority of the time! nbsp;BTW, I don't do it for this reason, I do it because I just simply miss the kids too much when they aren't with us even for 3 days, but there is another reason to take advantage of 'extra' time. nbsp;At the end of every year if you file with your state exactly how much time your child actually spent with both parents vs. what the CO states the CS will get reduced by that percentage for the previous year and you will get a credit! nbsp;some states may be different but that's how it is here. nbsp;It is not something our state even tells you about, I just know someone who tried it and it worked so this year will be my first to try :

Here's my deal with the situation, I miss SS when he isn't with us, absolutely. I usually have the weekend planned out well before he gets here so we can make the most of our time with him and we used to take every opportunity to see him for any extra amount of time, including running all over town to meet BM when and where it was best for her just so we could see him more. Once the CO was in place, we looked forward to being able to see SS more often without having our visitation depend on BM's mood. We were flexible when she "didn't have the gas" to come get him (she said we would just have to keep him if we wouldn't bring him to her, we said not a problem, to which she replied "bring me my #$(*%ing child you $(&@! "). We have asked for more time and she always says no, or agrees and at the last minute changes her mind, tells us to go by the order or she is calling the police, etc. So, while it would be nice to see SS early, it was time to set some boundaries, we are not here for her beckon call when it works out well for her, because when we ask, the favor is never returned and I'm tired of DH allowing himself to be used.

ETA: My phone apparently isn't compatible with symbols! >_<

bejarfamily · February 2013

awesomenus1341:
bejarfamily:
I personally would never tell BM no. nbsp;If she doesn't want her own kids, let her give them to me. nbsp;I'd rather have them anyways and they would rather be with us! nbsp;I go out of my way, leave work, do whatever isnbsp;necessarynbsp;to have our three SSs. nbsp;I guess you will think that is too much but that's the way I live my life. nbsp;I love them too much to not have them around if given the chance. nbsp;This is why we end of having them the majority of the time! nbsp;BTW, I don't do it for this reason, I do it because I just simply miss the kids too much when they aren't with us even for 3 days, but there is another reason to take advantage of 'extra' time. nbsp;At the end of every year if you file with your state exactly how much time your child actually spent with both parents vs. what the CO states the CS will get reduced by that percentage for the previous year and you will get a credit! nbsp;some states may be different but that's how it is here. nbsp;It is not something our state even tells you about, I just know someone who tried it and it worked so this year will be my first to try :
Here's my deal with the situation, I miss SS when he isn't with us, absolutely. I usually have the weekend planned out well before he gets here so we can make the most of our time with him and we used to take every opportunity to see him for any extra amount of time, including running all over town to meet BM when and where it was best for her just so we could see him more. Once the CO was in place, we looked forward to being able to see SS more often without having our visitation depend on BM's mood. We were flexible when she "didn't have the gas" to come get him she said we would just have to keep him if we wouldn't bring him to her, we said not a problem, to which she replied "bring me my ing child you ". We have asked for more time and she always says no, or agrees and at the last minute changes her mind, tells us to go by the order or she is calling the police, etc. So, while it would be nice to see SS early, it was time to set some boundaries, we are not here for her beckon call when it works out well for her, because when we ask, the favor is never returned and I'm tired of DH allowing himself to be used.

My MIL tells us we are allowing her to use us too but when it comes down to it, we love the kids too much to not put up with her nonsense. She screams at me for not inviting her to DH's family's events (what in the world?!) but then NEVER shows up for any school events we do invite her to, yells at me in front of the whole team for not inviting her to the end-of-year soccer party one year and the next year tells me it is boring and she doesn't have time for volunteering and when it fell on her day texted me that if I wanted the kids to be able to go to it I would have to take them myself!!?! Seriously, I put up with A LOT of nonsense, but I am on my DH's side. They are his kids. He wants to see them. My job as his wife is to make his life as perfect as I can (in an ideal world, in this world I just do the best I can LOL) and that means putting up with the craziest woman I have ever heard of. I have made sure in every job interview I have gone to during the past 4 years I tell my boss that my family comes first and I have a crazy ex to deal with and if she calls me on one of her days to go pick up the kids from school because she is with her boyfriend, or is working late or just doesn't want to, that I WILL leave work to take care of my family's needs. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful jobs and bosses who have understood where I come from and why I feel that living my life this way is important and is the best thing for my family. When the boys get older they will know how much trouble and how much nonsense I have had to put up with and go through for their sakes. They will never be able to say I haven't done my best, tried my hardest and haven't made them a priority. The boys are our priority and my bosses have known and appreciated it. I don't think I could truly say I loved my husband if I didn't make his priorities mine. And his kids are his priority.

Littlejen22 · February 2013

How far along was she when she told DH? I am unsure how him filing before she told him means that she has SS just to keep DH around. Are you saying she got PG on purpose which meaning she got PG after he filed and knew in less than four weeks to tell him or that she should have had an abortion but chose not to because she wanted DH?

And I must ask, how old is Granny?

awesomenus1341 · February 2013

"My MIL tells us we are allowing her to use us too but when it comes down to it, we love the kids too much to not put up with her nonsense. She screams at me for not inviting her to DH's family's events (what in the world?!) but then NEVER shows up for any school events we do invite her to, yells at me in front of the whole team for not inviting her to the end-of-year soccer party one year and the next year tells me it is boring and she doesn't have time for volunteering and when it fell on her day texted me that if I wanted the kids to be able to go to it I would have to take them myself!!?! Seriously, I put up with A LOT of nonsense, but I am on my DH's side. They are his kids. He wants to see them. My job as his wife is to make his life as perfect as I can (in an ideal world, in this world I just do the best I can LOL) and that means putting up with the craziest woman I have ever heard of. I have made sure in every job interview I have gone to during the past 4 years I tell my boss that my family comes first and I have a crazy ex to deal with and if she calls me on one of her days to go pick up the kids from school because she is with her boyfriend, or is working late or just doesn't want to, that I WILL leave work to take care of my family's needs. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful jobs and bosses who have understood where I come from and why I feel that living my life this way is important and is the best thing for my family. When the boys get older they will know how much trouble and how much nonsense I have had to put up with and go through for their sakes. They will never be able to say I haven't done my best, tried my hardest and haven't made them a priority. The boys are our priority and my bosses have known and appreciated it. I don't think I could truly say I loved my husband if I didn't make his priorities mine. And his kids are his priority. "

This is how my husband saw things in the beginning, he loves his son, so if he wants to see him, he has to jump through hoops. I am sorry, but that's just not the way I think people should be treated, or allow themselves to be treated. We love SS, I miss him during the week, and I hate that we live 2 hours away and it's not feasible to do 50/50 or more. However, by asking how high every time BM says to jump, we are teaching him that it's ok to let someone walk all over you, and if you throw a big enough fit, you will get what you want. BM tries her best to be a good mom to SS, and does put him first the majority of the time. We don't have an issue in that sense (she isn't choosing to hang out with a boyfriend instead of her child, for example). But DH is not her knight in shining armor so to speak. It is not his responsibility to bail her out at the last minute. He has a responsibility to his son, he loves his son, and he would do whatever to make his son happy. Our most recent issue was BM taking SS to the ER for a fever instead of the doctor's office during the week, to which we told her, if she can't make an appointment during the week, let us know, we will get off work, or whatever else, to drive 2 hours away, pick him up, and take him to the doctor's. But, to rush to save her because she doesn't have gas money, or money for a babysitter, or to pay daycare, or whatever else she is complaining about, while she talks on her Samsung Galaxy S2, with unlimited everything, smoking her top-of-the-line cigarettes, and leaning against the gate for the horse she just recently purchased, I am sorry, but no, my husband doesn't need to be rearranging his schedule, you made choices, you can take the responsibility of taking care of your son on your time, just as we do when we have him. It has nothing to do with not wanting SS or not loving him enough, it has to do with standing up and setting some boundaries, she is an adult, and a parent, and therefore needs to take responsibility for her own decisions. I am proud of him for finally understanding that loving his child has nothing to do with making his ex-wife happy 100% of the time, she certainly could care less (and has flat out told him it's not her problem) when the roles are reversed. Maybe I'm just not as big a person as you, I am ok with that too. Oh and I meant to add before, thanks for the heads up about CS, we will look into it for sure!

awesomenus1341 · February 2013

Littlejen22:
How far along was she when she told DH? I am unsure how him filing before she told him means that she has SS just to keep DH around. Are you saying she got PG on purpose which meaning she got PG after he filed and knew in less than four weeks to tell him or that she should have had an abortion but chose not to because she wanted DH? And I must ask, how old is Granny?

She was 2-3 months along when she told DH. It was more so not the fact that he filed, but that things were headed south in the relationship, they were fighting to the point of him wanting a divorce (they didn't even live in the same state). She came to see him when he was on leave, told him she was on birth control, but I guess she forgot to take her pill. To be fair, this comes from DH, it is his side of the story, although every member of his family has told me on different occasions how they felt she would have done absolutely anything to keep him around. I certainly don't think she should have had an abortion, just the fact that she lied about being on birth control (and also not saying that he didn't have a responsibility in preventing the pregnancy either). DH didn't want a child when they had one, it wasn't some happy marriage with a planned or wanted pregnancy. That being said, as soon as he found out, he told her that he wanted to be involved in SS's life, that if she didn't want the baby, he would take full responsibility, etc.. I could be totally wrong, but I do feel like she thought getting pregnant would "renew" the marriage so to speak.

And Granny is mid-late 40's. Grandpa is early 60's...she said they didn't use protection because they didn't think he could still have kids...yea, men don't lose that ability actually, only women...

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