SD's bad grades (kinda long)
jenjen930
member
So my 13-yo SD used to always get good grades. As and Bs every report card. Once she moved to middle school in 5th grade, that began to change. Her grades began going down, to the point that now she is barely passing.
DH and BM have been seperated since she was 5. We live about a half hour away from her, but we have tried to be as involved as we can. We have talked to her teachers and her guidance counselor. We help her out with homework when she comes over, EOWE. But we can't be there during the week to check her bag and her homework.
BM doesn't bother checking anything. SD had multiple missing assignments, until we spoke to the guidance counselor. She suggested that SD's agenda be signed by a parent every day, showing that at least the homework was done. That helped, and now missing assignments are almost non-existent. But she gets bad grades on them. We were told by her teacher that she frequently turns in assignments incomplete, and doesn't show her work in math. We have asked BM over and over again to check this, but she says she doesn't understand it so she can't help. I don't understand it either, but I open the book. Every time I have helped SD she gets good grades. But it's not often enough to make a huge difference. BM won't even try.
On her most recent math quiz, she got a 17%.
The school offers free tutoring twice a week, but BM doesn't have a car. We have asked her again and again to try to make arrangements, but she won't. We have told SD to try to find her own rides, but she won't. Her mother is a very lazy person, and I think that is rubbing off on SD. We can't take her because DH starts work at like 4:00 am every day, and I have an hour long commute at 7:00 am in the opposite direction.
I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions for how we can help her? She is in 7th grade now, and things are not going to get any easier for her. We have tried reward systems, and she just doesn't care. We have taken away things, and she just deals without them. I don't know what else to do without BM being on board. I just don't understand why she doesn't care. But we do, so I want to help. I just don't know how.
Re: SD's bad grades (kinda long)
Do you have a grandmother/grandfather or someone you can find and pay to take SD to the tutoring? Can you make the arrangements since BM is too lazy to help?
SS is also in 7th grade (lives with us FT) and he sounds VERY similar to your SD.
No we don't. I wish we did.
What do you do to help your SS? I imagine it's way easier to monitor things when he lives with you full time. SD tells us her homework is done, but we have no way to check it.
Yes much easier since he lives with us. We are just on him every day. SS is constantly playing catch up. He will have his stuff taken away and like you said he just lives without it. I'm not much help because I feel like we have tried everything and it always ends up the same. He fails a paper or doesn't do it and then does corrections or does it for the first time and gets a passing. Same thing over and over and over.
SS here is a senior and in danger of not graduating because of a situation that is very similar. She will not drive him early "on her time" (she likes to sleep in) so he rides the bus to school. He lacks internal motivation. We live 1.5 hours away (more in traffic) and I work and have three children; DH travels so there is no chance we can get SS there.
Have you conidered hiring a tutor for the evenings/weekends she is with you? I would not do this on time she is with her mom; we did and BM pocketed the money for the tutor and cursed out the tutor's father when he came to try to collect. She also went to the teacher to ask for a new tutor because the girl was not "cute enough for SS". She was a tutor not a geisha, but my point is that you just never know what will happen in the other home.
If you guys can get her a tutor on your time I think it would be great. High school kids usually charge only $10 an hour here or so and are often recommended by the school.
I wish. I really do. We have actually spoken to a lawyer about it before. The problem is that it takes ALOT for a mother to lose primary physical custody. He said we had a so-so case (BM is a lazy, greedy witch - but not necessarily unfit), and it would cost a lot of money and be a lot of hassle and heartache for everyone, including SD.
At one point SD wanted to come live with us, and we were going to go for it. But then she changed her mind. Mostly, I think, because we grounded her for said bad grades. We also have these things called rules at our house, and BM pretty much lets her do whatever she wants.
Anyways, since she is 13 and her opinion gets taken into consideration that would just make it that much harder. So we dropped it.
Lack of motivation is entirely the problem here. She's lazy, and tries to rush through what she has to do to get it done so she can go do something else.
Do you think twice a month might make a difference? I have a good friend who is a high school math teacher, but since we only have her EOWE I'm just not sure if that will help.
This may be a stretch but can you hire a tutor to go to her house? Maybe once a week or couple times a month?
I would be more than willing to do this but I wouldn't know where to start. I asked the guidance counselor for resources and she had none to give. How do I find a tutor in her area without knowing anyone in the area?
Aw, thanks. it's nice to know someone understands. Being a divorced father is harder than I ever thought it was, and being married to said father definitely has it's moments. I'll take the thoughts and prayers, gratefully, and send some right back at you.
Just a suggestion....
I would ask (have your H ask) to have SD tested for ADD/ADHD. Either through the school or through her pedi. My DD has been going through something similar - disorganized, "not reaching her potential," incomplete assignments. I spoke to another mother who was going through something similar. We were at our wits' end.
My friend's DD had her annual physical recently, and her doctor told my friend she wanted to test the daughter for ADD. The doctor said that many times girls go undiagnosed b/c they lack the "H" (hyperactivity), and because they are good. Then, in 5th grade, between work getting harder, expectations that they will work independently, distractions (boys, popularity, etc.) and hormones, the girls "collapse" under all the weight and pressure.
I am still waiting for the forms to give DD's teacher (and fill out on my own), and am on the waiting list to see a specialist, but in the meantime, I have started adjusting DD's routine (ie: telling her to work for 15-20 minutes, then take a break before starting homework again). I don't know what the outcome will be, but it breaks my heart to think that I was calling DD "lazy" and "unmotivated" when there is a possibility that this could be beyond her control, and that I need to adjust.
Obviously, there is not a lot you can do to control BM's home in terms of how much she helps with homework, monitors DD's assignment books, etc. BUT, if your SD is diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, at least the school will make adjustments to help HER (SD) have more control - such as sitting her up front, initialling her homework log (vs. expecting her to do it on her own), maybe even giving her an extra set of books so that she has one at school for class and one at home. Maybe the support at school can help to make up for BM's lack of involvement.
We see her grades online. But that is always after the fact. She does her homework now, she just doesn't do it well. We can't check it before she turns it in most of the time, and then it's too late.
We have talked to her about that possibility dozens of times. She just doesn't really care.
She seems to have no drive whatsoever. She is like this with everything. She is 13 and we still have to tell her to brush her teeth every night. For the last 5 years she has been required to clean her room before she leaves to go back to BM's, but she never remembers to do it on her own. She seems very immature for her age, and doesn't take initiative on anything. We have to tell her over and over again sometimes to do things. Her excuse is always "I forgot". She closes up when we ask her stuff and just gets silent. Cries alot. Are these symptoms of ADD? I never thought of that. Hmm.