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May 2013 Moms
Pushy Mom
Okay so I need some advice. Or maybe just reassurance.
My mom wants so badly to be in the delivery room. I anticipated this since her sister got to be in the delivery room with all of her grandchildren's births. Anyway, I really don't want her there. I know it's my decision I know it's my baby and that's why I've already made the decision that I don't want her there. The inner conflict I'm having is when to break the bad news. She's been making comments since day 1 that I "better" let her in the delivery room and she even told DH it's okay... "I'll be there". I know she means well I would just rather she not be there, she stresses me out and she's really high strung. I don't want to tell her too early because I'm afraid she'll give me a guilt trip for the rest of my pregnancy, or try to change my mind which is just going to be even more annoying.
I also don't know if I want to tell her too late since I don't want any hard feelings when my son is born. I'm also afraid that she'll just ignore me and stay in the L&D room when it's time to push because she knows I won't say anything to her with everyone there.
The kicker? I really want my best friend to be there. I was with her when she had her son and I want her there for when DH freezes up and I need support. I also want a third body there to take pictures for us when LO is born since I know MH and I will be too caught up in everything. How do I tell my mom I don't want her there...but allow my best friend to be there? Or should I just leave it to be MH and I and forget about my best friend being there as well?
To be honest, I'm kind of hoping for a middle of the night baby so we can just call everyone in the morning and not even deal with the drama... lol is that terrible???
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Pushy Mom
I would tell her and also tell her that if she's going to try to guilt trip you, you will end the conversation (so if she says something while you're on the phone hang up, if she says something while you're together, leave). This is YOUR baby and there is no "you better" IMO. She had her kids, this is your turn. It's great that her sis got to be there for the birth of her grandchildren, but you're not required to do the same as your cousins.
As far as having your BFF there, I would almost guarantee that it will definitely cause some hard feelings. It's up to you, but I personally wouldn't have a friend there and not my mom, I think that would be really hurtful to many people, but again it's your delivery and your choice.
GSx1 - 05/13/2013
GSx2 for T&B - EDD 6/21/2015 - They're having a GIRL!
Yes, it might cause hard feelings, but the important thing is your comfort. My mom is a doula, but she and I don't have the kind of relationship where I would want her in the room when I'm giving birth. She was disappointed last time, and brings it up every so often (especially because she's since attended my brother's GF's homebirth), but I just knew that I wouldn't be happy having her there. It would have made me more stressed out.
I think you just need to do what's best for YOU, it's not about anyone else. You have the people there that make you feel comfortable and confident and supported. My mom is annoyed that I hired a doula other than her for this one, but I'm sticking to what I know is best for me.
I'm sorry your mom isn't being understanding about the issue.
Emeline 5.28.13
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You have an older kid right? Could you tell her mom you really need her to watch the other kid?
And the sooner you tell your mom she isn't invited, the better. Give her time to get used to the idea and quit bugging you. Yes, she'll be hurt, but it isn't her decision to make.
My mom is very pushy on this issue as well, so I totally get where you're coming from. Her mere presence often stresses me out- there's no way I'll want her in the delivery room. However, I DO want my sister there. She's my best friend and I know she'll be ideal in that situation, and my H feels like some extra moral support from her would be nice as well.
My mom knows I don't want her in the room, but she keeps pushing the issue with guilt trips. "I can't believe you don't want your own mom there..." and "you BETTER call me the minute you start having contractions." No, just no. I've broken the news to her already because she keeps bringing it up, but I have a feeling she will try to weasel her way in and stay in because I'll be too stressed with labor to deal with her. So, H and I have decided not to call any family at all until we are at a point where I am in active labor and it's too late for them to enter the room. Even my sister
Although, if possible, my sister will be one of the first ones in. I'll deal with my mother's wrath later. It will be worth it to me.
Maybe you can have a similar plan? Just make sure your husband is on board and knows what to do.
I do have an older one but my mom is not active in picking her up from her BM so I would feel uncomfortable asking her to pick her up from there. Especially given the situation with the BM. If she is with us when the time comes though I'm fully prepared to have my mom step in and watch her since DSD won't want to go with anyone else. I just can't use that as an excuse since there's a possibility she'd be with her BM and the situation wouldn't even present itself.
You're right though, I should give her time to get used to the idea and quit dropping hints about being there... those are annoying too. lol
I would point out that she's your backup birthing coach in case your hubby can't handle something or simply can't remember the birthing tips. Because you have been through a birth with her, you know she can help you stay calm and collected so you can have a successful birth plan. Reassure your mom she will be included in welcoming your baby, but after the baby is born.
I would definitely tell her sooner, rather than later. As for how/when to bring it up, I would use the next time she makes a comment to do so -- transition with something like, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that..."
Then, if she brings it up later, flat out tell her that her guilt trips are not going to change your mind and that she's only making you feel uncomfortable. I think with some people you just have to be direct.
As far as having your friend there and not your mom... well, that's a sticky situation. I'm not sure there really is a good way to say that without hurting feelings. Could you maybe just not mention the friend part? Does your mom even have to find out after the fact that friend was in the room? If there's no way around her finding out, if it were me, I probably wouldn't include the friend. But you really have to do what's best for you.
BFP #2 8/22/12 | EDD 5/5/13 | DS1 born 5/9/13
BFP #3 4/25/15 | EDD 1/7/16 | MMC 7/2/15 @ 13w1d | D&E 7/8/15
BFP #4 12/9/15 | EDD 8/22/16 | DS2 born 5/18/16 at 26w2d
Just keep swimming.
Personally, I think letting her know your plans as early as possible, and as firmly as possible, is the best way to go. Then she has time to accept it, and as long as you make it very, very clear that this is the decision that you and your husband have made and there is no negotiating, she will eventually accept it. Dont give her any other choice, and dont show any weakness, LOL.
My mother wants to be in the room badly, as well. She is pushy, high strung, and she also makes everything about her. In fact, when I told her I was pregnant, the very first thing that she said was "I HAVE to be the first person to see this baby come into the world". In a very dramatic tone of voice. Ummm, no. I told her immediately that it would be just be hubby and I, and that was all there was to it. She was shocked, but recognized that I put my foot down about it and I havent heard anything since.
As for the best friend situation, I do think that would be a bit like rubbing salt in the wound for your mother, though.
I would flat out tell her thank you, but no thank you. I didn't even consider having my mom in the delivery room - she stresses me out in a normal daily phone conversation - I can't imagine during childbirth!
Between my mom and my best friend, I would choose my best friend every single time - however in this situation, I wouldn't want the years of grief that would cause for a decision that would last a few hours, so I would just go with DH.