Loss CheckIn

Mrs Nice · January 2013

Welcome to our Thursday checkin!

I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: Do you feel like you have changed as a person since you became a mother to an angel? How?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · January 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I feel like I have. I applied for a new job and have an interview for today. Even a few weeks ago I probably wouldn't have even looked for a new job

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Get my hair cut. I don't remember the last time I even got it trimmed. I have an appointment set for Saturday morning.

QOTW: Do you feel like you have changed as a person since you became a mother to an angel? How?

Absolutely. I feel older than I am and feel I look older than I am. In many ways I no longer have a filter regarding what I say and in some ways I'm more careful about my words. I'm not as outgoing as I use to me. I fear everything now. I use to not fear too much

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

How big Corbin would be, what he would look like and what he'd be doing. We have friends who's son is 2 days younger than Corbin should be now. I saw a picture of him over the weekend and was just blown away. I have no concept of how big or what a child should look like at different ages.

Noethola · January 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I am meeting a fellow loss mom tomorrow to just talk together. She lost her first 7 years ago.

QOTW: Do you feel like you have changed as a person since you became a mother to an angel? How?

The world is no longer as innocent as it was. I understand how great a risk pregnancy can truly be. I am thankful for little things, but I am also bothered by things now that no longer used to bother me.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Elsie. A lot. Yesterday I had a friend deliver her baby and today another is. We were supposed to be raising our little girls together, just a few weeks apart. While I am so thankful that all is going and has gone well for them, a part of me is absolutely crushed when I see those pictures. I never wanted to be this person, but I know it is part of the process.

jess123456 · January 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

No this week has been incredibly difficult. I spent the weekend with my best friend who is pregnant with her third child. She is amazing and has been so supportive though. We went to a friend's birthday party and someone that I didn't know at the party announced her pregnancy at the table and I completely lost it. She proceeded to talk about it the whole time and was so glad that she was out of the safe zone eye roll. I tried so hard to hold in the tears but I rushed to the bathroom and had a very ugly crying session in front of my best friend on the way home. I think it made our friendship stronger in a way for her to see me like that because I have been trying to hold everything in when with her because I felt guilty about not being there for her like she has for me. Needless to say, it was a rough week.

Do you feel like you have changed as a person since you became a mother to an angel? How?

Absolutely. Sometimes I don't even recognize who I am to be honest. I feel like I am stuck in a dark whole and I can't get out most days. I am angry at myself for being bitter alot. I have come a long way but I will forever be changed.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? My baby girl. I also think that I should go back to my therapist as we look to move forward in our healing.

OSUWifey09 · January 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really. I'm just maintaining. I feel like I've taken a couple of steps back over the last week or so, which is OK with me. Lots of little things have triggered crying sessions and memories for me lately.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? We have two more months on BC before we can start trying again, and I just want to prepare myself mentally and physically for what we have ahead of us. We've never actually "tried", and I'm terrified.

QOTW: Do you feel like you have changed as a person since you became a mother to an angel? How? Absolutely. Almost everyone I know says that I've changed. I seem older. I'm not as optimistic as I used to be. It's clear to them that I'm a little damaged [which is true], that a part of me died the day Devon died. But they've also said that I have way more strength than anyone they've ever known, that my ability to keep going in the face of such tragedy is inspiring. So I've changed...but I've also had some good things come from it.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm also considering more counseling again. I've been putting off talking to someone, but I need to make the time and do it. I miss Devon so much that it hurts. I feel like such a bad parent because I'm so grateful for JJ, but I'm still giving attention to Devon because I'm still healing. I feel guilty that JJ doesn't get as much attention from me as he deserves, even though he's been getting a lot more of it lately.

Bayberry12 · February 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

Not really any major steps, just taking each day and week as they come.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Haven't set a goal. Just trying to keep working out and eating well. I really want to see a difference in my weight and size.

QOTW: Do you feel like you have changed as a person since you became a mother to an angel? How?

I am completly changed! I used to talk to my MIL on the phone when I started taking calls after my loss, and she would say "you are still the same person" all the time. And I would think, No I'm not. Then we started to get together, and she finally saw that I am not the same person, and she even commented that I am so different not.

Like the others have said; I feel older, I look older. I'm not outgoing or a happy, smiling person. I pretty much want to be invisible when I go out in public. I used to love talking to and meeting new people, now I dread it because I am afraid of what they might ask me.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I applied for a job last week, and if they want to interview me, I will be hearing from them this week. I am so nervous. I don't even know if I really want a job, or a job with responsibility.

Bayberry12 · February 2013

Noethola:
The world is no longer as innocent as it was. I understand how great a risk pregnancy can truly be. I am thankful for little things, but I am also bothered by things now that no longer used to bother me.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Elsie. A lot. Yesterday I had a friend deliver her baby and today another is. We were supposed to be raising our little girls together, just a few weeks apart. While I am so thankful that all is going and has gone well for them, a part of me is absolutely crushed when I see those pictures. I never wanted to be this person, but I know it is part of the process.

I feel the same way. We will never be blissfully innocent during a pregnancy again.

It is almost unreal how much it can hurt to see pictures of friends babies. It does get easier, but I think we will always be reminded of our babies and wish they were here.

Tbecker18101 · February 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I am only 2 days into this. But I quickly looked into support groups and scheduling with my counselor bc I know I have to be able to find a way to function for my other kiddos.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? To go back to work and school and back to training to run a half marathon. I have no plan right yet.

QOTW: Do you feel like you have changed as a person since you became a mother to an angel? How? It has really made me take a step back and realize that we take life for granted and how one minute we are feeling blessed and on top of the world and then in the next all your happiness can be ripped right out from under you. The only thing that is important are my kids and husband there is no job or activity more important than being able to be with them and see them smile and feeling their warmth.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? That there can possibly be no God because what God would do this? Give me a baby and then so tragically take him away from me. I just can't comprehend it. Nothing will ever make me understand.

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