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Divorce or counseling?
In a nutshell my dh is an a. We've been married for 7 years. We have a 2 year old with Special needs and a 4 year old. Lately he's been calling me names bc I haven't lost my baby weight. I'm a size 16 now He calls me a fat ***, lazy a, cow, etc. He is a decent dad but he's a yeller. Tonight we got into an argument bc he was screaming at our 4 year old. I told him we need to pick our battles and a type of pajamas shouldn't be a fight. That's when he hit me. I don't want to be the wife that puts up with that. BUT I'm a stay at home mom and can't work because of our daughters health issues. So would be a problem. I had to resign from teaching. Should we get counseling? Or is that kind of abuse unforgivable?
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Re: Divorce or counseling?
All of this. Who knows how quickly it can escalate from here. You need to keep yourself and your children safe before he lashes out at them next. Do you have a friend or family in the area? Or look for a women's shelter. Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you need to take abuse. Keep your family safe.
It is possible for someone to change, but he has to be willing to do so and it's a lot of work.
Like PPs have said, the first thing you need to do is get yourself and your kids out and someplace safe. His behavior is escalating. Once you're safe, then contact him and talk to him--but do so in a safe place with soneone to support you.
If he does agree to counseling, do not move back in with him until a counselor says it's safe.
All of this. Additionally I would contact a lawyer asap and explain that your husband struck you. Your lawyer can file all of the appropriate documents and motions to protect you and your children. If you can't afford a lawyer contact your local women's shelters, many of them offer legal help.
1/12/13 DD was born
4/9/16 DS was born
9/17 CP
6/23/18 BFP EDD 3/4/19
This is great advice! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this...
I've read through some of your posts.
I cannot for the life of me figure out why you stay with this man.
Be calm. Get a lawyer. Start living the life you were meant to live.
Good luck.
This is what I would recommend. I am pretty against divorce but in this case seperation needs to happen ASAP. Leave and get help for yourself and then, with support from those who are qualified, get help with and for your husband if he is willing.
Daughter #1 - February 12, 2010
natural m/c March 11, 2011 at 8 1/2 weeks
Daughter #2 - January 11, 2012
Ectopic pregnancy discovered November 6, 2012 at 6 weeks
Daughter #3 - January 19, 2014
Started our exploration into the world of international adoption June 2012. We have no idea what this is going to look like but we are excited to find out!
You need to go to safe place as soon as possible and file an emergency protective order, which will also give you emergency custody of your children.
I work with a Domestic Violence Program. You can get emergency shelter if you need it from your local shelter. Please take advantage of free counseling for yourself, legal, financial, and job placement help that they offer.
You can visit www.laurel-house.org in order to learn more about Domestic Violence.
This will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but you can and must do it. Things will only get worse from here, there are NO exceptions!!
Please PM me with any questions!!
Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d
Get out before he hurts you again or your kids!!!!!!!
I'm sorry but this is horrible advice. Once physical abuse starts you can't go back, the relationship is destroyed. I'm sorry but it is the truth. Women either leave, get murdered, or live out the rest of their lives abused and broken.
Guys who abuse have deep seeded control or sociopathic disorders. Domestic Violence Programs do not offer couples counseling because it is not a relationship issue. Something is wrong with them that their victim cannot fix but only makes worse. They are very cookie cutter in their behaviors.
Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
CHECKLIST FOR ITEMS YOU NEED WHEN YOU LEAVE
__Identification/Driver?s License
__Car & house keys
__Money, food stamps
__Checkbook, pay stubs
__Birth Certificates
__Social Security card
__Green card/Work Permit
__Medications/prescription
__Court papers/orders
__Address book
__Lease, deed, rental papers
__Medical/School records?
DO NOT RISK your safety to gather these items ? we recommend that you gather these items in advance and leave them in a safe place or with a trusted individual. But if you need to ? LEAVE WITHOUT THEM.
Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d
REMEMBER:
No one deserves
To be Abused!
Planning for Safety during a violent incident
REMEMBER:
Whether you leave or stay, you?ll be safer if you have a
safety plan.
REMEMBER:
Abusers try to control their victims? lives. When abusers feel a loss of control (like when victims try to leave) the abuse gets worse. Take special care when you leave.
Safety planning after
Leaving an abusive relationship
? Change locks on doors and windows.
? Keep a cell phone with you at all times. Have it preprogrammed to dial the police.
? Install a motion-sensitive lighting system outside.
? If you have a PFA (Protection From Abuse Order) , keep a copy with you at all times. Give a copy to the police, to the people who take care of your children, to your children?s school and to your employer.
? Notify all childcare providers about who has permission to pick your children up.
? Inform neighbors, landlord and others that your partner no longer lives with you and that they should call the police if they see him/her near your home.
Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d
Please stay safe.
didn't read everyone's response but you should divorce him. guys like him are all the same. I was married to a verbal/mental abusing man. Don't put up with that crap and don't stay with him because you can't get a job. I would move back with my parents again so fast just to get away from that.
You should also check into counseling. They have affordable city paid for counseling services in my area, so I'm sure they are in yours as well. I saw a counselor for 2 years to get thru all of my issues. You are part of this too, don't be caught in the cycle of abuse and don't make excuses for him either. I did the same thing. After the fight was over, I would forgive him and then we would be in the honeymoon period again until the next blow up. You could never predict when it would be. You will know when enough is enough. I did. It was the day My H exploded at me after giving me the silent treatment for 13 days. He came after me with one of those vacuum wine openers in a rage. I was on the bed and could only back up so far. When he left the room I locked the door and called my parents to get me and they called the cops. He never did hit me because I never stayed long enough for that to happen. He also promised counseling and I didn't move back in with him. the day I knew I was going to divorce him was when he never did our counseling homework and continued to party it up instead of working on himself. I was tired of being the only one working on the marriage. It was sad, I was heart broken, I grieved everything that could have been. I did heal and I'm not that person anymore. My DH I have now is the best thing that ever happened to me, all those dreams that I grieved DID come true with him BUT after I spent a LOT of time by myself being single and reading self help books:) Especially since you have a kid, don't let your kid grow up with this crap and say its ok to treat women like this. luckily I didn't have kids with my first H. we were only married 10 months before I left.
I wasn't trying to suggest relationship counseling, but that he get counseling. If this is new behavior, then there's something going on he needs help with. It is possible for someone to change, although you and PPs are right, it's very uncommon.
If this isn't new behavior and his previous verbal and mental abuse is escalating, then yeah, she needs to get out and say out.
Yeah I understand what you are saying, sorry to get so fired up. This is a passionate subject to me. I totally understand what you are saying I just hate when people imply that the relationship can be salvaged and that it is in some way her responsibility to fix him. Usually a man doesn't go right to hitting. I apologize for jumping on you!
Natural M/c 12/13/08 at 8w5d
I didn't take it as you jumping on me and I wasn't trying to suggest it's her responsibility. I understand it's a very passionate subject. I have seen a relationship salvaged because the wife got out immediately and the man got help. It was a long, hard road for them but it did happen and it was because the man recognized he had a problem and needed outside help with it.
You're right, though, that usually isn't the case. I was just trying to give an alternate perspective because I don't know all the details of her situation.
GSx1 - 05/13/2013
GSx2 for T&B - EDD 6/21/2015 - They're having a GIRL!
And since he 'only' hit her one time, he's going to be able to get at least some custody of these children. If she's not around to keep them safe, who's going to? I don't know any backstory and I'm not saying just act like it never happened and continue with life but taking your kids and getting out isn't going to change enough.
DH has a cousin that has been married to a guy like this for so many years now. she always talks about leaving him but never does. I'm sure her parents are tired of telling her to leave him. Before she met him she was pursuing a career in cosmetology and looked good and healthy. Now she looks way to skinny and run down. she has 2 kids with him too. I always feel bad for the kids. But some women will play the victim roll and none of us will never understand why.