Birth Month Board - Did you ever go back and post?

AMothersLove92712 · January 2013

Did any of you post on your birth month board after your loss happened? I did. I was part of the Sept. 2012 board and I visited back there for the first time on Oct. 15th, when I discovered what that was and meant to us. I wrote a post, Captivly titled..."I Should Have Been One Of You" because I wanted EVERYONE to read it. And this is what I wrote....

I was supposed to be a tired, stressed out, sleep deprived, baby blues having, lullaby singing, baby wearing, breastfeeding, gazing at my baby girl as she sleeps asking how did I help create such beauty mother...but I'm not.
Right now, I'm a post emergency C-section, breast-pumping to donate her milk, grave visiting, baby grieving blues, gazing at her pictures, sitting in her room, reading some of her books, covering myself with her blankets, willing her to come to my dreams woman.
I was due on 9-17-12. I was one of those FTM's who went overdue and posted on the check-in posts. Every day, willing my body to show some sign of labor, but nothing came. I had finally conquered my fears of becoming a mother, but I was still scared as hell about everything relating to childbirth and then I found myself in the position of having to be induced. I felt completely broken as a woman. Here I was, able to conceive and carry this life, but my body was unwilling to let her go.
I went in at 6pm on 9-26-12 to start the cervadil and on 9-27-12 at 4:12 p.m. My Sweet Angel Face Lillian Reid was born and took her last breath at 8:35 pm on 9-28-12. Her Father, Brother and I buried her on 10-6-12 and attended our first Angel Baby walk in her memory on 10-7-12. My entire babies life is summed up in nothing but dates and times.
I have yet to write her birth story and add pictures to it to share. I want to do those things...I want to be able to share and show you so you can read it and see her, just as I have for all of you. She was so beautiful...more than I even thought I was capable of helping create. She had hair, which I was amazed by because I didn't have heartburn. My pleas to her to stay small and have a small head were heard because she only weighed 6.13 and was 20.5 and her head was 11". She had my long fingers and nose and her brother's brow bones and lips. Which is amazing because he's her half-brother, so her Father's genes must be pretty strong.
She had all these things, but I never got to hear her cry. I never got to look into her eyes and see her register anything. I never got to smell her due to a sinus infection and swollen sinuses due to the crying. But I did get to hold her skin-to-skin and watch her Daddy do the same. I did get to touch her face, feel the softness of her hair and feel her body recognize my body and feel her breathing become regular and she didn't seize as much when she was against me. And I did get to have a beautiful photo session with her Father and I, that produced pictures we will cherish for a lifetime.
So tonight, at 7pm, will you light a candle for my sweet Angel Face, Lillian Reid Woodward and all the other Angel Babies that are no longer in this world? I know that I am not the only mother to an Angel on this board.

And even if I am jealous, I am truly happy for all of you...I promise.

silverlining8d · January 2013

I posted to my due date group on Facebook before coming here. I hadn't kept up with the ladies as much in those last few weeks being so busy getting ready for baby but I wanted to share my story with the people I had been on the journey with. I can't bring myself to read any more of the birth stories there though. Before I had Sebastian they were exciting and I was so happy for everyone-and don't get me wrong I still am happy for them but I just can't take the stories with endings like mine should have been...at least not yet.

mrsneau · January 2013

I didn't go back to my birth month board but I went to 3rd trimester and posted that Grace died. Then I left and I haven't been back.

starburst0928 · January 2013

((Hugs))

I'm super excited right now because I never realized you were a Sept 2012 mommy! I am too!

I check the BMB very little now, but up until a few weeks ago I would check it daily. I remember your post on Oct 15th too! I remember I was really jealous you were recognized on the board for a loss and i wasn't. Seriously though, i also remember really appreciating that post. it was good to educate them that not all our outcomes were good ones. Lately it's just been making me sad so I don't go backas much.

My baby was born sleeping on the 28th so we have that in common. Why it took me this long to realize that, I don't know!

ETA: On my stupid iPad and it won't let me fix all my grammar issues above!

Noethola · January 2013

I posted on my Jan13 board a few days after Elsie passed, but I havent been back to post anything. Mostly because it hurts to read the "Not getting any sleep" and "Baby keeps crying" posts. I know I would be with them had she lived, but it just grates on me a bit. I do keep up with a friend who was a huge support through our loss, and she keeps me in the loop if there is anything she thinks I should read. She has been splendid!

I go back sometimes to read, but I dont post.

OSUWifey09 · January 2013

I was also a Sept '12 BMB member, but after I lost Devon, I never went back. Didn't even bother to post that I had lost him because I just couldn't do it. I think I actually clicked on the board once, on September 1st. But ever since then, I haven't even been to any board on TB besides this one.

Heatherhah · January 2013

AMothersLove92712- What you wrote was and is beautiful. I lost my DD2 on Sept 30, 2011 and we ahd a memorial for her on October 8, 2011. I never returned to my BMB I just couldn't. It was hard enough in real life having 2 friends due just days before our loss and seeing their sad faces at our memorial. they had their babies and we didn't have our baby girl.

Lillian is beautiful !! Your pictures are so wonderful.

Heather

starburst0928 · January 2013

starburst0928:
HugsI'm super excited right now because I never realized you were a Sept 2012 mommy! I am too!I check the BMB very little now, but up until a few weeks ago I would check it daily. I remember your post on Oct 15th too! I remember I was really jealous you were recognized on the board for a loss and i wasn't. : Seriously though, i also remember really appreciating that post. it was good to educate them that not all our outcomes were good ones. nbsp;Lately it's just been making me sad so I don't go backas much.My baby was born sleeping on the 28th so we have that in common. Why it took me this long to realize that, I don't know!nbsp;ETA: On my stupid iPad and it won't let me fix all my grammar issues above! nbsp;

I'm stupid. I totally forgot this is your new name... I remember now!!

HullGut · January 2013

That must have taken so much strength to write. I am glad you shared this.

I was very involved in my November Bumpie group on Facebook, that started on the bump.People knew I was going in to be induced. They were tagging me and asking wha happened. I told them that nigh. The support they have given me was amazing. They raised money and ordered me 30 days of the fresh diet and they ordered me an origami owl locket. Sometimes it's hard to see their babies. But many of those women email me a lot just to check on me. They have given me so much support.

AMothersLove92712 · January 2013

I received a lot of support when i posted and they all encouraged me to write her birth story and shar my photos. i still haven't. But I did it not out of spite, but not for the best intentions either...I wanted them to know how good they had it, even if they couldn't see it. They needed to appreciate their babies, even during the hell. It was to smack some and bring awareness to all. But it was also nice for me, and healing. I got to be one of them that day by posting that my daughter was born too. I'm really glad I copied most of my early posts and saved them as email drafts. One day i may start a blog and trasnfer them all into one spot.

But for you new ladies on here...don't be ashamed to go to your BMB and share the story or your child's birth. It will be more healing and those ladies will uplift you like you didn't realize.

kikibelle · January 2013

I didn't but kind of wish I did. I didn't do it for two reasons. One, I was not very active on my July 2012 board, even though I lurked a lot. Two, I couldn't handle seeing all of the happy posts about "so-and-so finally being here". I think I went back to the board once, maybe a week after Julian was born. I don't have anything in common with those ladies anymore.

Bayberry12 · February 2013

rsigler:
I never intro'd on my BMB, but I lurked almost daily throughout most of my pregnancy. Because nobody knew who I was, I wouldnt have felt comfortable going back and telling the story about losing Virginia. I've lurked a handful of times since, and it's so strange seeing all the siggies with pics of babies that are around the same age as Virginia. She's frozen in my mind as a newborn.

I was in the same position as you. I wasn't very active on my April 2012 board, but read everyday and posted here and there. I followed many women as they went into labor and brought their babies home. I sat at home waiting for it to be my turn.

I didn't come back to TB for a few months, till I found this board through google - I never knew this existed -

I stated going back to my BMB around 3 mos. out, mostly to see if anyone was pregnant again. I wanted to get pregnant again right away, and I guess I needed to see other people doing that too, even though they had their babies with them.

But, I don't go there too much now. It's really hard to see the photos of their babies growing, while will always be a newborn in my memories.

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