I have to get this off my chest.

uvallie · January 2013

OK ladies, I may get flamed for this, but it is what I'm expecting. It may be long, so don't read it if you don't want to, I'm not asking for advice but need to get this off my chest.

Backstory: My SIL has been openly TTC since 2009 without success on her own including hormones and medication. She has been openly frustrated about it and it has been a topic on everyone's lips in the past couple of years, especially her loud mouth mother (my MIL) who IMO has been awful about it and her daughter's inability to conceive.

DH and I announced our pregnancy early in my terms to our families at 7 weeks at Xmas. It was awkward and I didn't want to do it in front of SIL but DH insisted as he wanted his family to be excited for us and I wanted that for him. It WAS awkward but that's another story.

SIL gets first round of IVF early Jan. and finds out she was pregnant with twins. OK here's the awful part- I actually was not 100% happy for her as my baby and her babies were going to be due 5 weeks apart and I wanted to preserve a little bit of attention for the first grandchild (ours). I KNOW this sounds awful and like an AW, and I get it, believe me. I did snap out of that and got excited that they would be growing up together.

Today: I got a text from her saying that after her U/S at 3:30pm she had lost both babies. I FEEL AWFUL. I feel awful for her and I feel awful for having a second of bad thoughts towards her pregnancy. I completely regret my moment of immaturity at such a special time in her life. I can never tell anyone else this besides you ladies, cause ya know, I don't have to get the stink eye in real life from you.

This was therapy for me and I don't expect a reply from anyone.

PrettyAccountant · January 2013

I can understand how you were feeling I think it is normal. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. I have had to go through 4 IVF's, an adoption where the birth mother took the baby back and the deaths of my triplets and even to this day I can feel like you do if my beotch of a SIL were to announce she was PG.
Ease up on yourself.

lkobriant · January 2013

I will tell you from my own experience of have conception issues (it took DH and myself 2+ years, lots of medication, and a round of IVF to finally get here), your feelings are yours. You should never have to apologize or feel badly for your feelings, they are what they are and you can't control that. I can't tell you how many times I thought negative things about other women getting pregnant when I could not, even without knowing what they went through to get there. The fact is that we're all human and with that comes a little bit (or a lot in some cases) of selfishness.

Sascha3 · January 2013

The important thing is that you knew you were wrong for feeling that way, you felt bad and you got over it.

iriscarmendiaz · January 2013

I think it's important that you are in touch with your feelings, and realize when some of those feelings may be irrational and/or unjustified.

I know you feel guilty, but what is important is that you be there for her as she needs you, and you move on. Considering how awful you feel now, I think it's likely that you will be more sympathetic/empathetic in the future.

yodasmistress · January 2013

Sascha3:
The important thing is that you knew you were wrong for feeling that way, you felt bad and you got over it.nbsp;

NetPetal · January 2013

All completely natural reactions and emotions in my opinion.

A moment of bitterness or jealousy does not define you as a person.

kateisgreat · January 2013

I dealt with IF for years, and my sister got pg on her first try, right after I had my my 2nd m/c. I had the same feelings as you. I was pissed that she was going to have the first grandchild, and that she got to have a baby before me. But, I didn't say anything to her about it, and I'm assuming you didn't express your feelings out loud to your SIL either, so no harm done. I wouldn't say it was wrong for me to have those feelings, but I did feel guilty for a while. No one knew I was ttc, which kind of amplified that feeling. When I finally did get pregnant with DD, my mom told everyone that I must have decided to have a baby after spending time with my sister's kid, ugh.

RivieraBound · January 2013

Are you ladies not reading her post correctly? She isn't the one with IF problems (from what I could tell by her post), her SIL is.

After years and quite possibly thousands of dollars her SIL finally gets pregant and instead of being happy for her she thinks about how her LO will only get to be the only grandchild for 5 weeks.

If these are normal feelings, wow.

Soleil3 · January 2013

Sascha3:
The important thing is that you knew you were wrong for feeling that way, you felt bad and you got over it.

Sascha is wise.

kateisgreat · January 2013

RivieraBound:
Are you ladies not reading her post correctly? She isn't the one with IF problems (from what I could tell by her post), her SIL is.
After years and quite possibly thousands of dollars her SIL finally gets pregant and instead of being happy for her she thinks about how her LO will only get to be the only grandchild for 5 weeks.
If these are normal feelings, wow.

I read her post just fine. IF or not, she said she felt like a jerk for it. It was as$hole of me to have those feelings towards my sister. Struggling with IF didn't give me the right to be pissed at her for getting pg first, but I can admit that I felt that way. I was excited to have the first grandchild. It was something I was very much looking forward to sharing with my parents. If I had wound up getting pg just before my sister did, I can guarantee you she would have been pissed about it. Do you think it was wrong of me to be jealous of my sister? I don't see any difference between OPs feelings and mine.

RivieraBound · January 2013

kateisgreat:
RivieraBound:
Are you ladies not reading her post correctly? She isn't the one with IF problems (from what I could tell by her post), her SIL is.
After years and quite possibly thousands of dollars her SIL finally gets pregant and instead of being happy for her she thinks about how her LO will only get to be the only grandchild for 5 weeks.
If these are normal feelings, wow.
I read her post just fine. IF or not, she said she felt like a jerk for it. It was as$hole of me to have those feelings towards my sister. Struggling with IF didn't give me the right to be pissed at her for getting pg first, but I can admit that I felt that way. I was excited to have the first grandchild. It was something I was very much looking forward to sharing with my parents. If I had wound up getting pg just before my sister did, I can guarantee you she would have been pissed about it. Do you think it was wrong of me to be jealous of my sister? I don't see any difference between OPs feelings and mine.

I see a big difference between OPs feelings and yours. The OP DID get pregnant first. That wasn't good enough. I can understand jealousy in a "damn I wish it would happen for me that quickly" or something. but not jealousy in a "ugh my child will only be the 'star' of the family for 5 weeks", especially after knowing what it took for her SIL to get there. To me one is being disappointed in not getting pregnant before someone (you), and the other is being disappointed in someone else getting pregnant period (her).

But like a PP said the important part is that she turned it around.

ETA: I need to learn how to spell disappointed Stick out tongue

Jomojack2 · January 2013

I get the feelings. Totally and I probably would have felt the same way. Getting pregnant is great and you just weren't ready to share the thunder! You wanted your child to be the only for a while. There's nothing wrong with that. You are a human being.....with not so perfect thoughts all the time!

AmeliaKris · January 2013

I'm glad you realized your wrongs but you do need to ease up on yourself and move forward. That being said, it will probably be painful for your SIL to watch your pregnancy progress. Go easy on her if she withdraws from you. She may be reminded of all that she lost as she watches you go through what she should be going through. Even though she should be happy for you...and I'm sure she is...she may need space and try not to judge her.

Alex+Noah · January 2013

I just wanted to put my two cents out there. I think feeling jealous is a normal feeling, everybody has that emotion at some time in their life, it's called being human. The people that are being judgmental and saying your wrong for ever having that feeling are just mean. My heart goes out to your SIL though.

uvallie · January 2013

Thanks ladies. I was a little afraid to read your posts but feel much better. Not that it matters because I totally got over it but this same SIL was pretty shitty to me when I announced our pregnancy again another story. I forgave her and I will forgive myself. Happy and healthy 9 months to us all because we all know how quickly it can be given and then taken away from us.

RivieraBound · January 2013

Alex+Noah:
I just wanted to put my two cents out there. I think feeling jealous is a normal feeling, everybody has that emotion at some time in their life, it's called being human. The people that are being judgmental and saying your wrong for ever having that feeling are just mean. My heart goes out to your SIL though.

Of course jealousy is a normal feeling. What is the OP jealous of though? That is what I don't understand. She is pregnant! What is there to be jealous of?

Obviously there is something here I am just not getting. Totally possible, it is past my bedtime!

Jomojack2 · January 2013

RivieraBound:
Alex+Noah:
I just wanted to put my two cents out there. I think feeling jealous is a normal feeling, everybody has that emotion at some time in their life, it's called being human. The people that are being judgmental and saying your wrong for ever having that feeling are just mean. My heart goes out to your SIL though. 
Of course jealousy is a normal feeling.  What is the OP jealous of though?  That is what I don't understand.  She is pregnant!  What is there to be jealous of? 
Obviously there is something here I am just not getting.  Totally possible, it is past my bedtime!

She had to share the thunder of having the first grandchild.

katharine25 · February 2013

I think we all have horrible thoughts at times,that's human. The quality of your character depends on how we actually act on thise thoughts and treat others, so as long as you weren't openly sulking in a corner, then don't beat yourself up too much. Let your guilt be your conscious, and learn from it.

Also, sending your SIL flowers or a spa package or something nice to show you are thinking of her would really help your SIL in her time of need. She may not be able to be around you for a very long time, but that doesnt mean you cant do something nice for her. Know that she is happy for you, but for now [and who knows how long] she is sadder for herself, and you are a constant reminder of that sadness. Be gentle to her and her feelings for the long haul.

monaclemere · February 2013

RivieraBound:
Are you ladies not reading her post correctly? She isn't the one with IF problems (from what I could tell by her post), her SIL is.
After years and quite possibly thousands of dollars her SIL finally gets pregant and instead of being happy for her she thinks about how her LO will only get to be the only grandchild for 5 weeks.
If these are normal feelings, wow.

I read the post, and I absolutely think her feelinds are normal and valid. Everyone can't spend all their time thinking about how someone dealing with IF might feel about them being pregnant, getting pregnant,giving birth, etc. She has every right to feel however she feels.

OP, regardless of how your SIL got pregant, I think it's totally normal to feel a little peeved. I announced my first pregnancy (I was 15 weeks) and 3 weeks later my sister announced hers. For a day or two, I was a little annoyed. I had been excited about having that be "my time". I got over it quick and thoroughly enjoyed sharing our pregnancies.

LnR70707 · February 2013

RivieraBound:

Are you ladies not reading her post correctly? She isn't the one with IF problems (from what I could tell by her post), her SIL is.

After years and quite possibly thousands of dollars her SIL finally gets pregant and instead of being happy for her she thinks about how her LO will only get to be the only grandchild for 5 weeks.

If these are normal feelings, wow.

Yep. Honestly, yeah OP, you get a huge side eye from me (but so does your DH for demanding he announce the way he did when he was aware how awkward/painful it would be...a simple email as a heads up isn't hard). But in and of itself, jealousy, however distorted that feeling is in this situation on your part, is a normal human reaction. I am sure she felt it when you announced, seeing as how the first grand child should really be hers. You felt it, you didn't share it anywhere but here, and now you are feeling the guilt because of it. Move on and be more supportive in the future.

lorow0715 · February 2013

RivieraBound:
Are you ladies not reading her post correctly? She isn't the one with IF problems (from what I could tell by her post), her SIL is.
After years and quite possibly thousands of dollars her SIL finally gets pregant and instead of being happy for her she thinks about how her LO will only get to be the only grandchild for 5 weeks.
If these are normal feelings, wow.

This. As a person who has been through IF and IVF I was completely disgusted that you had those thoughts when your SIL got pregnant. Shame on you. I am glad you have since realized how selfish you are but I really do think the fact that you feel horrible about it is really the only "normal feeling" mentioned in that post. You should feel like jerk.

To be honest, I can't believe that the August mommas are supporting this. I have been flamed for much less.

livleen3 · February 2013

I give you kudos for having the guts to share your feelings with us knowing you would be attacked! And the fact that you understand you are wrong is a good sign of self growth etc. And you wanting to be nice and supportive of your SIL is really good. I guess maybe you might want to explore with in yourself why you felt jealous? You really shouldnt! But you did so try to figure out what insecurity within you caused that. In your childhood or in school etc were you made to feel not important? And now feel the need to be important?

Some of the issues I have totally stem from my childhood. Being bullied or a small incident with friends.. Anything in childhood can make a big impact that causes us as adults to act out or feel a certain way that just isnt right.

IDK I may be blowing this out of proportion but Im guessing you dont want to feel that way and I think our issues keep surfacing until we deal with the root of the problem.

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