PAL CheckIn

Re: PAL CheckIn

• Mrs Nice member

  January 2013

  Where are you in your PAL journey?

   Zachary will be 1yo in a couple of weeks! It will be bittersweet. This whole year has been the happiest I have ever been and so exciting watching him learn so many things, BUT... the more he does the more I realize what I missed out on with Ian. Every new milestone is like a jab to my heart because Ian never got to experience anything. It breaks my heart to know that I will never know who he was suppose to be.

  Ian's two year angelversary is also coming up soon. I should have a two year old running around and I don't. I am so emotional lately. So happy to have Zachary. So completely in love with him. Yet still so heartbroken that I don't have Ian. Will this ever get any easier?? Then again, maybe I don't want it to get easier. I don't want to "heal". I will always be broken. I *think* I am okay with that. (Sorry for being all over the place, but that is how I feel these days.)
  
  What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently?

  Challenges? So many challenges. *Sigh* I am beyond tired. Z still doesn't sleep through the night, but even on the rare occasion that he does, I still don't get any sleep because I am checking on him every few minutes.

  I have so many fears. I don't know if its because I am a Loss Mom, or if I would still have all these fears regardless. I always make sure to cut Zs food really small because I am terrified that he will choke. Then, the other day we were driving on the hwy and I realized that we were in the car instead of the truck. I started to have a panic attack! The car is so tiny. I didn't feel safe at all. I kept looking at the other drivers and wondered about how good their driving skills were. What if they caused an accident that we couldn't avoid? I couldn't handle it. I made sure to take the back roads on the way home.
  
  QOTW: Have you done anything or do you have any plans to make sure that your other children know about their angel sibling?

  I know I need to figure this out soon....
  
  Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

  I booked an appointment to get a new tattoo in March. I'm so beyond excited! I will post a pic after its done. =D

  

  

  
  

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• Heatherhah member

  January 2013

  Where are you in your PAL journey? It has been 16 months since we said good bye to Sydney. I have 3 other kids at home one being my rainbow!!
  
  What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently? How much my rainbow looks like her sister it is tough I think about Sydney all the time and there is a wonderful reminder of what she looks like laughing back at me. Some days the pain and reality of that hurts so much but other times I just am happy that god gave us a other baby after losing our Sydney. I wish I had all of my kids with me she would be so big right now.
  
  QOTW: Have you done anything or do you have any plans to make sure that your other children know about their angel sibling? we have a ton of things that were Sydney's for the girls. DD1 has a pciture of Sydney in her room and DD3 has all of the globes and gifts given to us at her memorial on a shelf in her room. It was Sydney's room first so it felt right to leave the stuff in there.
  
  Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Just how big my baby would be at 16 months since yesterday marked the 16 month she has been gone.
  

  DS- Brenden born 11/13/93 Missed miscarriage on March 6, 2007 @ 9 weeks D&C on March 8th 2007. Riley Annalise born 2/25/08 ( 3 weeks early weighing 8 lbs 12.8 oz.) Chemical pregnancy 3/2010. Sydney Adriana born sleeping on 9/30/11 weighing 10lbs 3 oz at 38wks 4 days. Trinity Alivia born via c section at 36 wks 4 days weighing 9 lbs. 5.7 oz. She is our amazing rainbow baby!!! PGAL buddy drvst8

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• julesverne member

  January 2013

  Where are you in your PAL journey?  Olivia is 3, and DD#2 (99.99% sure she will be Avery) is scheduled to arrive 4/3 (c-section is scheduled)
  
  What are some PAL challenges you have faced recently? It's not so much PAL, but I worry that something will go wrong with DD#2 (even though all appointments have been good..especially the cardiology appointment) and then I will have to tell Olivia that her little sister won't be coming home. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I wondered how much I should tell Olivia about being a big sister. I hate to build her up and get her so excited about being a big sister, only to have something happen, and the baby doesn't come home.
  
  QOTW: Have you done anything or do you have any plans to make sure that your other children know about their angel sibling? Olivia knows that the picture on the bookshelf is Jack, and just recently she has begun to say that Jack is her brother. It breaks my heart when she says that she loves Jack and that she wants to play with Jack. I want to make sure that my daughters know Jack and someday know why he isn't here..but I don't want to dwell on it, if that makes sense. I don't want them to think that they are living in the shadows of their dead brother. I will always worry that Olivia will think that she was meant to be a replacement for Jack, and that Avery will think that since Olivia wasn't a boy, that she was our other attempt of having another son. I think I tend to over think things..but these little girls are my whole world..and so is Jack, and I want to be able to find a happy medium where I can enjoy the living, while not forgetting about the dead...sorry, I know I tend to ramble.
  
  Open Topic. What is on your mind this week. Tomorrow marks the 5 year anniversary of Jack's funeral. It might be odd to remember such a date, but it was the hardest day...it would be the last time I would ever see my little boy. And it was the only time I got to see him without tubes and wires running all over the place. I remember me and DH took a few moments after everyone else had left the funeral home to say our last goodbyes..I remember I just kept saying "I want to take him home..I just want to take my little boy home with me". I didn't want to leave him.

  Jack was born 1/16/08, died 1/25/08

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