SSs come to First Ultrasound?

bejarfamily · January 2013

HI,

I am new on here. Sorry, I think a long explanation is needed: We have 3 SSs, BM had another son with the guy she cheated with which is one of the many reasons they divorced over 7 years ago. She then gave the kid away at 18 mo. old and the boys were devastated, asking us if she would give them away too if they were bad?. We always assured them we loved them and if she did want to give them away it could only be to us and we would never let them go away from us because we would miss them too much. She had given him to a family member. Then, when the kid was 4 years old she actually went and kidnapped him for 2 mo before she got tired of him and called the family to come and pick him up (this was across the country by the way). Now, last Spring, the family got divorced and dumped the kid back on BM and he has made our SSs lives miserable. (Is it even legal to have 4 kids in a bedroom in a two bedroom appt?!)

So, now that is said, I am about 10 weeks pregnant now. My husband and I think a good way to let the boys know that our love for them will not change just because we have one "of our own", as people keep saying, is to have them very involved with the pregnancy, choosing items for the nursery, taking them with us to some Dr. appts, we already let them choose the first and middle name of their potential sibling (one girl name and one boy name) and in general we want to make them a large part of this journey. (I know, "Choosing YOUR child's name?! That's too far!" yes, I have heard it all. We love the boys more than anything else in the world and we are just trying our best and besides we like the names they chose just fine, so isn't that our own business?)

We think taking them with us to Dr. appts like the first ultrasound etc. is a great idea. My friend thinks we are crazy and that when BM finds out she will flip at taking the boys with us to an ultrasound. Your thoughts please? The last thing I need is MORE drama, I am already up to my eyes with it, I just want them to feel secure and really a 'part' of this. The oldest is autistic and the twins are happy-go-lucky, one of them is ADD... They hate their other brother because BM doesn't control him, so the oldest is afraid of having another child. I have assured him that is the fault of bad parenting not a bad child and that will not happen with this one.

Karma1969 · January 2013

I think it's great that you want them involved. To be honest I would take them to the second u/s. It seems more safe since you will be in your 2'nd tri. This isn't because what the BM thinks but more of if something is off the kids won't have to see any tense moments.

jenjen930 · January 2013

dbliesmer:

We had SD to our gender reveal US, but it was the typical one. She was so excited. Having a SS go to any of my visits would be akward and uncomfortable to him maybe, I know SD was bored when she had to sit through one. IMO unless it's a gender reveal, SS might be more bored than anything so I wouldn't take him. Especially if it's a transvaginal one.

I get trying to keep them involved, but like PP I don't agree with the whole naming the baby thing. H and I came up with the name and actually kept it secret from everyone, including SD. She was 8 and would always argue that she deserved to know, but we didn't budge. She was very active in all other baby related things, but some things were just for the parents.

I agree with the first paragraph here, completely. And another pp said something about possible complications. I agree with that too. I think there are plenty of other ways to keep them involved besides awkward and uncomfortable doctor appointments.

I also agree that some things should be kept between the parents. However, I don't see the harm in letting them help name the baby if both parents are okay with that. My MIL let my DH name his little brother. They gave him 2 choices that they were equally okay with, and let him pick. As long as you have the final say and agree with the choice I think it's kind of cute. For the right people. That being said, I wouldn't do it. LOL. But that's my personal choice. I wouldn't judge anyone else's choice to do the opposite.

dor79 · January 2013

My step-kids were super involved in my pregancy. They only came to the ultrasound at 20 weeks where the gender could be revealed. They offered name suggestions and opinions (it was ultimately our choice). My stepdaughter shopped like crazy for the baby with me. And my Step-Son helped get the nursery ready with husband, put all the things together etc.

cole2144 · January 2013

Umm if I was BM I would have a serious problem with my child going to a ultrasound if it was transvaginal. Even if it was not, I think some things are just for parents. My SD did not go to any of my ultrasounds and DS and SD will not be doing so this time either. I also don`t understand the name thing but how you choose to name your child is your business. Taking another woman`s child to a transvaginal ultrasound is BM`s business and she has every right to be pissed.

kali55 · January 2013

I agree with PP about taking them to the 20 week U/S instead of the first one. When I was pregnant with DS, it was just DH and I at the first ultrasound and we brought my SDs to the anatomy scan and got to be there when we found out we were having a boy.

guilletskichuk · January 2013

piffle42:
MelRC117:
Okay, last little bit.Besides the transvaginal thing, there really isn't much to see in the first u/s. Also, heaven forbid, if something is discovered wrong I think having them there will be really difficult.If you want them to see an u/s, I would really recommend going to an elective u/s place around the 20 week point. They can get expensive, but if you do something basic its not too pricey. Its a lot more comfortable and A LOT bigger than a dr's office U/S room at least in my experience. During the A/S at the Dr's office the tech is taking alot of measurements and most of the time you cant tell at all what you're looking at so they may get bored. At the elective U/S place you actually get to "look" at the baby. If you wait like after 28 weeks you could also do 3D.
We took DS to the 20 week u/s and the tech was actually really nice and pointed out different things to DS like the heart and brain and spine and whatnot. He thought it was really cool. I would ask your OB what their policy is though. I've heard of some that won't allow children to come.

I agree with all of this. I don't think it's necessary to take SSs to your first u/s for all of the reasons PPs have already listed. If your OB is okay with you taking them to a future u/s, like the anatomy scan, I think that would be better. My ultrasound clinic doesn't let anyone under the age of 10 into the ultrasound rooms so, even if we wanted to, we wouldn't be able to take my SKs in with us. Plus, I think ultrasounds are things that children don't necessarily understand and is a private time for you and your DH. Maybe that's just how I feel though. My SKs were more than happy to see the photos and 3D video we brought home from each u/s.

I think you're already doing a good job of involving your SSs in decisions regarding your LO. Just keep doing that!

fellesferie · January 2013

I'm with PP on the issue of the first ultrasound. DS came to my 20w ultrasound, and to one other appointment late in my pregnancy. He was absolutely fascinated for about the first 3 minutes of the ultrasound and then incredibly bored for the next 30 minutes.

Speaking as a BM, I wouldn't care if my child went to his SM's u/s. But I also wouldn't see the point in taking him.

The only thing I have to add is that I think it's one thing to involve the kiddos, but I'd suggest that you might be going too far and doing too much. I would just hesitate to give them too much control--it's hard to take back. The kids can be made to feel secure and involved without feeling like their vote carries as much (or more) weight than yours.

lb1212 · February 2013

Congrats on your pregnancy!!

I would contact your OB's office and see what their guidelines are regarding bringing kids to U/S. At my last U/S, DS's dad and my mom went. The room was so small! The tech said that they don't normally have more than the mom and dad to be in there.

I plan on having DS and SD involved when DH and I have a baby. I think that I'll wait until the 2nd trimester to tell anyone but DH, including the kids. As much as I love SD, I worry it's going to be hard for me to include her as much as I will DS.

riabiron · February 2013

my stepdaughter came to a 3d ultrasound for each of her three sisters. she thought it was awesome.

bejarfamily · February 2013

-auntie-:
Is the oldest autistic? And you're blaming the mother for parenting him badly? You do know that autism runs in families and that you can not make any promises that your child won't be impacted by autism?

NO. Of course not! The other brother, the step brother from BM is just a terror to our 3 and that is of course a fault of bad parenting. Autism IS NOT a bad thing or something that I feel can be prevented or something I feel needs a 'cure'. We love him just the way he is. We do have to change a lot of things around in our life for him but that is our life and that is the way we chose to live it.

bejarfamily · February 2013

Thank you for your many responses. I guess I didn't give enough detail: I have already talked to the Dr's office and they will let my sister, my mom, my MIL, DH and our 3 sons in the office. They have a separate room with a TV screen so yes, I know it is trans-vaginal but they won't be in the same room, they will only see the screen. I guess it is a little early, but we had to tell them because they were trying to help me get over being sick and so we had to explain that I wasn't going to be getting better soon, lol. They wanted my DH to take me to the doctor asap the first day of vomiting. They are very caring of me.

Another clarification: My husband and I made a list of boy names and girl names probably around 30 names and the boys picked from our list.

I understand other mums' opinions on the name-choosing but the boys and I are very very close and we are happy with the names they chose. They are the ones that asked DH to marry me and they started calling me "mum" by no one's prompting. We make decisions as a family, we always have everyone involved. When we bought our house DH and I found out what specifications were must-have's in the boys' opinions, found 4 houses that met our criteria and theirs, and they chose which one of the four. We thought letting them have a huge say in this too was just another step in the right direction - they couldn't actually choose whether we were going to have a baby or not, we gave them a smaller decision! (I think THAT would be too far.) I understand very well the consequences of giving a child too much control but they felt very special getting to choose. It was amazing they all 3 chose the same two names separately! These are not strong-willed children. These are children who are ordered around, walked on and treated like dirt at one house and then are treated with great respect and honor in our home. Sure, I have to be hard on them sometimes, they are not perfect, but they love me and that is the most important part so everything else falls into place. I don't think I could be a part of any blended family if the SKs did not actually love me.

My husband and I will decide tonight, thanks for your valuable input

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