Blended Families

Parental Rights

This is my first time posting on this board since I am PG and I usually post on my BMB.

My DD is almost 6 yrs old and her "dad" has been absent from her life since 10/31/2010....I got married 2012 after dating my DH for 3 years. My DD calls him dad and gets furious if anyone calls him her stepdad, she says he is my first dad.

 Anyway, I talked to a few attorneys to see about having parental rights taken away and having my DH adopt her. Start up cost is $2500-$7500. I don't get this, it has been over 2 years since ANY contact from him or anyone in his family and NO child support but we have to pay a ton of money for her to be able to get what she wants which is the same last name as her mom and dad and her soon to be brother/sister. The system is wacked and now I either have to contact him and beg him to sign his rights over, which I don't think he will willingly do, or save up the money to pay an attorney. All the while my DD cries because she doesn't understand and wants it done now and we just don't have the money to do it now and it breaks my heart!

 

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Re: Parental Rights

  • Many states have forms online.  You could try filing without the help of an attorney.  Contact your state bar association and see what forms are available and also if there are any clinics near you that would provide some assistance.
    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • My DS's BF also never paid CS, and never saw him even once. The adoption ended up being somewhere around 7 or 8K. I can't remember exactly how much it was.

    On the plus side, because BF didn't want his family to know about DS, and he didn't want to have to pay back support, he signed his rights away with no issues. I hope everything goes just as smoothly for you as it did for us.

    ETA: stupid lack of symbols. Thanks iPod
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  • Look for free legal aid in your area, they will steer you the right direction.

    I see that your DD knows that YH is thinking of adopting her. Just be absolutely sure you are willing to go to all legnths to make sure this happens. Bringing it up, then not following through could really make her feel like YH doesn't want her either.

    I grew up without ever meeting my biodad, and my step dad married my mom when I was a year old. He was my dad for all purposes, and I eventually took his last name, although not until I was an adult. He talked a lot about adopting me, or my mom just changing my name, and I would have loved that, but they hit a few roadblocks and never followed through. I felt like a second father gave up on me. Just be careful with how this could play on your DDs emotions.
  • Will your state even allow him to sign over his rites?  Many states don't allow this even if said party agrees to. 

    I'm trying to figure out how a 6 year old can understand or get so worked up over your DH being called anything else other than her father, but I gather from how worked up you obviously are getting in this post - that you might be feeding some of her extreme reaction.  If you don't play into the drama, she won't react that way.

    I suggest you take another look at how you address this situation, even if you don't think she's listening.  I'd start going about it in a calm manner (set aside your anger and annoyance) and start talking about it with her by saying that there are rules in this world and that you all will have to patiently wait them all out.  That it only matters if you and your DH believe that he at heart is her true dad. 

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • image+just+j+:

    Will your state even allow him to sign over his rites?  Many states don't allow this even if said party agrees to. 

    I'm trying to figure out how a 6 year old can understand or get so worked up over your DH being called anything else other than her father, but I gather from how worked up you obviously are getting in this post - that you might be feeding some of her extreme reaction.  If you don't play into the drama, she won't react that way.

    I suggest you take another look at how you address this situation, even if you don't think she's listening.  I'd start going about it in a calm manner (set aside your anger and annoyance) and start talking about it with her by saying that there are rules in this world and that you all will have to patiently wait them all out.  That it only matters if you and your DH believe that he at heart is her true dad. 

    DS is 4. At age 2 he started calling DH "Daddy FN." We told him he was just FN. He would switch between calling him "Daddy FN" and "FN." Eventually we decided we would stop discouraging it, but didn't encourage it either. After a while it turned into just "Daddy." Recently someone told DS DH isn't his daddy. DS got irritated and said in a semi-raised voice "He IS my daddy, I am his son!"

    Maybe the DD is learning from the mom, or maybe she is truly irritated on her own accord. 

    image
  • image+just+j+:

    Will your state even allow him to sign over his rites?  Many states don't allow this even if said party agrees to. 

    They won't allow someone to sign over their rights unless there is someone adopting, to make sure that the child is always supported.

    When there is a stepparent who is willing to adopt and is more active in the child's life and the court can show it is in the child's best interest to be adopted by the stepparent, yes. 

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • imagejustj:
    Will your state even allow him to sign over his rites?nbsp; Many states don't allow this even if said party agrees to.nbsp; I'm trying to figure out how a 6 year old can understand or get so worked up over your DH being called anything else other than her father, but I gather from how worked up you obviously arenbsp;getting in this post that you might be feeding some of her extreme reaction.nbsp; If you don't play into the drama, she won't react that way.I suggest you take another look at how you address this situation, even if you don't think she's listening.nbsp; I'd start going about it in a calm manner set aside your anger and annoyance and start talking about it with her by saying that there are rules in this world and that you all will have to patiently wait them all out.nbsp; That it only matters if you and your DH believe that he at heart is her true dad.nbsp;


    Yes my state allows it. As I stated I have spoken to several attys. I appreciate your advice but I never speak to my daughter in anger regarding any of this in fact the only time it is discussed is when she questions why her name cant be the same as ours and we tell her we are working on it but it can take a long time. As far as her getting worked up over someone calling my dh her step dad that is because she considers him her dad and wants others to also.

    I never put problems on my children but I would never lie to them either. When she gets older and has more questions I will answer them. Of course I am worked up, why in the world would I not be.

    Sorry for any misspelling, mobile bumping.

     

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  • Could you contct him and try to get him to agree to a name change? We don't have the money for DH to adopt DD so we only did the name change and it was less than $300.
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  • imageMelanieian:
    Yes my state allows it. As I stated I have spoken to several attys. I appreciate your advice but I never speak to my daughter in anger regarding any of this in fact the only time it is discussed is when she questions why her name cant be the same as ours and we tell her we are working on it but it can take a long time. As far as her getting worked up over someone calling my dh her step dad that is because she considers him her dad and wants others to also. I never put problems on my children but I would never lie to them either. When she gets older and has more questions I will answer them. Of course I am worked up, why in the world would I not be. Sorry for any misspelling, mobile bumping.

    If there is one thing I've learned thru this divorce is that tven if you don't speak in anger, kids can pick up on tone and inflection and they understand more than you think about the things you say. 

    It's clear you are pretty upset about this.  All I'm saying is that you approach this with patience, calmness, and a matter of simple business that needs to be resolved. I wouldn't even discuss the legal issues in her presence. It is resolvable correct?  Maybe not as fast or as easy as you like, but it is possible that at some point you will save up enough money and enough time will pass that clearly indicates abandonment on his part and she will be adopted by your DH?  So do what you have to do and make it happen. 

    Meanwhile, establish with your daughter in a very confident, calm, assuring way that it's all a matter of time and not to worry herself about what others say. In time she will catch on and relax about it.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • imageJ&A2008:
    Many states have forms online.  You could try filing without the help of an attorney.  Contact your state bar association and see what forms are available and also if there are any clinics near you that would provide some assistance.

    Agree, try LEGALZOOM.com.

  • That is expensive! Our attorney charged us $1500, and we did have to pay extra for the state fees, but that was it. DS's bio had not seen him since he was 1 (he was then 11) and only paid support when the state forced the issue. He did file with the court saying he was going to contest it but never showed up to court for the hearing. The judge granted the adoption right then and there.

    One tip, look into the employer plans and see if they help with adoption costs. Late-DH's did, so we were reimbursed all attorney costs under this benefit.

    ~Amy
  • imageballmom:

    That is expensive! Our attorney charged us $1500, and we did have to pay extra for the state fees, but that was it. DS's bio had not seen him since he was 1 (he was then 11) and only paid support when the state forced the issue. He did file with the court saying he was going to contest it but never showed up to court for the hearing. The judge granted the adoption right then and there.

    One tip, look into the employer plans and see if they help with adoption costs. Late-DH's did, so we were reimbursed all attorney costs under this benefit.

    I would have never thought of this! DH works for a very large global corporation so maybe they have something, my company probably won't but I sure will check into it! Thank you

     

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