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Blended Families
awesomenus1341
member
How do you explain to someone who isn't in a BF?
awesomenus1341
member
My mom and I have always been super close, but sometimes I get so frustrated talking to her about anything BF related. She adores my SS, and sees him frequently during our time. However, I feel like anytime things are going on between BM and us, and she asks about it, I am immediately told what we should be doing, how much more we should be doing, how my DH needs to step up as a dad, etc. I feel like she doesn't get that in a BF, things take a lot more time, that people who are "working together for the best interest of the child" still have emotions and sometimes those get in the way of immediate action, and that there is A LOT of give along with the take. Her mom was a single mom, 8th grade education, 4 kids, an alcoholic ex who never paid a dime of CS. Her dad was around often but was far from a superior father. She and my dad have had 26 happy years of marriage, with no kids outside of that. I get so frustrated sometimes. None of my friends are part of a BF and my mom is the closest to trying to understand the situation, or at least accepting it as is, sometimes I feel so alone, but talking about it with her usually gets me more worked up than just keeping it between DH and I. Should I just avoid the topic all together?
Some examples of what I'm talking about: Today she was asking how SS was feeling (he had bronchitis last weekend) then asked if DH and BM talk daily. I told her no, that she used to call every day on her way to work, but we put a stop to it, if it's not about SS she really doesn't need to call (she is the custodial parent so the calls were "just to talk" to DH, not to check on SS or anything). My mom was shocked that DH doesn't call SS every single day (he is 3), and then said that she understood why BM would want to talk to DH everyday, as they were married for six years and together off and on for about 10yrs (in HS). I explained that they only lived together for 2 months, and the 2 months ended abruptly because they couldn't stand being together for so long, the first 4 of those years DH was deployed or stationed out of state. For the last 2, they had separated and were both seeing other people. Then she tells me I just get too worked up about the whole situation and what a mess I have on my hands. I just get so frustrated because I feel like her only perspectives are from an abandoned child and a Bio-mom. I spend half the conversation defending my DH, and while he made a lot of bad decisions when he was younger, he is a great husband to me and dad to SS. IDK what to do, I'm just so frustrated that the person I usually turn to for advice, and who has plenty to offer, doesn't seem to "get it" when it comes to dealing with BF. The majority of my close friends are still dating, or planning weddings (with no SKs involved) so they don't even ask about SS, or else just glaze over the situation, in other words, they are far from being able to relate to any of it, at least my mom is a mom and gets that aspect. How can I continue to talk to her without getting in too deep about our BF, or else maybe help her understand what we are going through and that things don't just happen with the snap of a finger, conversations have to be timed wisely and approached tentatively to avoid fights and backlash?
Sorry this turned out so long, thanks for reading!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How do you explain to someone who isn't in a BF?
Boy, I don't know, but if you figure it out will you share it with me please?
My mom can't relate at all either, and she tends to side against my FH, which is funny since she detests XH since he cheated on me and ignores his kids. Fh has come into the picture with no kids of his own but is great with my 3 who were all teens when we met, loves them like his own and deals with XH's bull all the time.
But my mom is always giving me crap about things. Like last week she said she thinks that Fh is jealous of XH because he and I were together for 2o years. Umm, yeah, 20 hellish abusive years. He knows how grateful I am for him, and I have no idea why she said that. Projecting how she's feel maybe? She also thinks FH should "like" XH because he's my kids' father. Um, I don't like him and neither does she, but FH should? Whatever.
I try not to talk to her about things BF related, but she's generally my sounding board so it happens. I usually regret it though!
That's where I'm at. I feel like she sides with BM a lot more ("imagine how she feels having to go without her kid EOWE, I know I would have a really hard time letting go of that control and trusting someone else with my child"), I am sure because she relates more, but I constantly feel like instead of being able to vent I end up defending DH and myself. She also used to joke about what a "mean stepmom" I was every time I got onto SS, or even just enforcing rules (such as, I know we are at a Christmas party, but we don't need more than x amount of cookies/cupcakes/etc.). That one has completely come to a stop because I started talking about how I wasn't sure I wanted kids of my own. When my sister questioned it, I told her I was tired of hearing what a terrible stepmom I am and if I am really that awful, I probably shouldn't have any full time...knowing that it would get passed on to my mom and sure enough, not another word about it. I know she was joking because she also posts things on facebook or sends me text messages periodically of how hard it is to be a stepmom and how much love they have to have to take on someone else's kids and blah blah blah, but joking too much isn't funny anymore. I know that she wants to help, and I know that she worries about me being stressed with the BF things we have had to deal with, but when it comes down to it, she can't draw from any experience other than her own.
I can relate.
Backstory: DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2.5. I have two SKs, ages 7 and 11, who just started living with us full-time last summer. BM lives 10 hours away. We are currently in the middle of custody proceedings to get full custody of both children.
I'm an only child. My mom passed away 11 years ago when I was 20. My parents were together for 31 years before my mom passed. My mom had always been my closest friend and confidante. I was always close with my dad but we became even closer once my mom was gone. I have gone to him for advice for years and truly trusted his word over anyone elses until I met DH.
Here is how I can relate:
Over the years, I've shared information about my life with DH and the SKs etc. with my dad. I haven't necessarily asked for advice from him because he doesn't have (much) experience with BF (okay, he does somewhat because he did get remarried and had a bunch of SKs of his own for a few years but that was the MOST dysfunctional situation ever and he has no advice to share from his experience in it). Anyways, I've never shared as much as it sounds like you share with your mom. Your mom sounds very interested in SS's life etc. Not that my dad isn't interested in my SKs. He loves them. But he's not a woman. lol I think women are just naturally more nurturing and curious about young children.
Like your DH, mine also made some not so wise decisions when he was younger. My dad was wary of him for a while. It caused a lot of tension between all three of us but it has subsided in the last few years as my DH has shown my dad what an awesome husband and father he is. However, my dad had no problem sharing his opinion of DH to me at times. I never asked my dad for advice when it came to DH because I never needed to. Things have been great for us throughout our relationship. But whenever certain difficulties came up in our lives (DH getting laid off, our landlord keeping money from us etc), my dad would point fingers at my DH. In the last few years my dad has backed off on giving me his advice and telling me his opinion. Aside from him seeing how great DH really is, we've also learned to limit what we tell my dad.
Where BM and SKs are concerned, I've learned to tell my dad the bare minimum regarding the things BM does and says (she's somewhat of a whack job). DH and I deal with our situation ourselves. My dad asks about some details at times but I think he has also learned to mind his own business. Sometimes DH and I get very frustrated with BM. We vent to each other and sometimes let my dad in on what's going on (for instance, when we were on our way to pick up SKs from their holidays with their mom and we got a call an hour into our trip that she was not able to meet us halfway anymore; that was a piss off and, knowing what our plans were for going to get the kids, we would share those details with my dad). He is becoming distantly supportive. I think that he's learned that we are adults and have to make our own decisions for ourselves. He likes to put his two cents in about BM every now and then and I kind of find it funny because he's never met her. It does feel good to have his support though.
So I would suggest that you limit what you tell your mom. It's hard because of course, being the person you usually turn to for advice, you want to fill her in and ask for her opinions. But maybe this is something that you just have to keep between you and DH...and forums such as these?
I can also relate to not having friends in the same situation as you. Even though I'm 31, I don't have ANY friends in the same situation as me. I have married friends, married friends with kids, single friends, single friends with kids...but none have stepkids. Zip. Zero. Nada. While my friends often know what's going on with us, SKs and BM in the grand scheme of things...they don't know the little details. I learned three years ago that, unless others have been in the same boat, they truly don't understand. Three years ago (and for a few years prior) DH and I were contemplating going for full custody. SD was 4 and SS was 8. They have different BMs (loooong story) but both SD and SS were living with SD's BM. We knew that we'd be able to get custody of SS no problem because his BM was not in the picture at all. But we didn't think we would be able to get SD and we didn't even want to try because how do you explain to a 4 year old, if you only get custody of one and not the other, that it's the court system keeping them separated and that daddy really DOES want both kids? We didn't want to attempt custody until both kids were a bit older and could understand the situation better. Also, we wanted to wait until we were married and could truly offer a more stable home than the one they were coming from (which is how we're still able to have them right now). Anyways, my one gf who was married but without children, argued up and down that we should apply for custody and that that's what she would do (yada yada yada). She made us feel like crap for not going for custody of the kids then. We didn't have many concerns at the time though. The kids weren't in the most stable of homes but they were being taken care of and we lived a lot closer and saw them a lot more often. Fast forward to now. That friend has since had a child and is separated from her husband. She had a lot of advice to give back then but didn't know how to take her own advice. After we had a very emotional exchange in front of many of my other gfs, I decided that I would not discuss the details of my and DH's situation with friends...or that we would be very selective in what we shared and with whom.
I'm sorry for writing a novel here. I just wanted you to know my backstory so that you would understand that I can relate. You are not alone. I think your best bet would be to limit what you share. It will be hard to do but it's probably the best thing for your own sanity. Trust me! Life has been much easier on me since I've learned to censor what I say a bit!
BFP #1 09/02/11 M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13
SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.
Thanks for the insight, and I guess that it's what I really need to do for my own sanity. I will say I have tried to quit opening up so much on my end when things come up that frustrate the heck out of me, I typically don't ignore her phone calls, but if something is going on with BM that has me worked up, I try to wait to return any missed calls after I have calmed down and can just avoid the topic all together. Part of the problem is that I get so caught off gaurd sometimes. I wasn't even going to tell her about BM taking SS to the ER last weekend, but we just started covering SS under my insurance, and this is the first time BM has used it. DH and I neither one are the best at figuring out exactly what our benefits cover and to what extent because this is a new job and we haven't had to use them much (BM had a copay in the ER, but I have an HRA fund, so the ER should have been covered, unless the cost was greater than what remaind in the HRA fund...but that's a different rant on the misuse of insurance). I called my mom to see if she could interpret our plan any clearer than we could, because she has several licensings for insurance, it's what she has done for God knows how many years now. I expected the check up on SS, because he is her only "grandchild" even if he isn't biological, and she treats him as such (awesome for him because DH's mom isn't much in the picture). I just totally didn't see the questions going towards how often DH calls SS and why he doesn't call everyday and how he needs to just get all SS's medical records and find him a pediatrician by us and take him when he is sick, etc. etc. I guess I am just blowing hot air trying to explain that it's different compromising with a parent that is in a joint, and court ordered, agreement to take care of your shared child versus someone who is your loving and supportive partner of your shared child.
News flash to non blended people attorneys are very expensive yet sometimes it's impossible to just disengage. You just really need a venting space with no advice sometimes
We have this issue with DH's parents on some level. They totally do not "get" the BF dynamic. They will tell you that BM is insane (she has a clinical DX, so literally, is mentally ill) and manipulative and a bad person etc. Then they will get onto DH when he refuses to do things like run out there to buy groceries when she demands it (every couple weeks). She spends all the money she receives on hair, nails, designer jeans for SD, going out to eat with the kids, going to movies, making elaborate meals, a high end gym membership for she and the kids, then hits lean points and expects DH to come grocery shop for her and drop them off, with extra cash as well. DH's parents don't understand why he cannot at least just give her more money for food. They get upset about this, but really cannot grasp that she is a black hole of spending. They will tell me that because of her DH could never save money and they could never pay the mortgage...but they don't connect that issue to now. DH calls his children to ask what food they have and they always have enough to eat in the house - it's just not what they want at that moment. His parents will also say that if she does not want the kids they should live with us (BM says this often, but will not sign over custody and will fight it in court and she would win here). They have gone so far to say that if it's what it takes, DH can continue to pay BM and have the kids live with us. DH agreed to extra money in his CO, so we could not afford to have the children live with us while paying double the CO standard amount, and I am sorry, I am not game to pay BM half of what DH brings home a month while struggling to make ends meet with his kids living here (we have a three bedroom and would have five kids, so would have to buy a larger house to have his kids full time). DH travels for work full time so he can afford to pay BM that much. So I would have five kids while working full time, one of whom has major issues. His parents totally do not get that at all. We try not to say much about these things in front of his parents, or to his parents.
Where they catch me is DH will tell them something, and they will ask me about it. I will assume that they have spoken with DH about it, but more often than not DH mentioned some very small part in passing and they don't know even half the story....then these things tend to explode. I love love love my inlaws and about half the time they are very supportive. The other half they are just worried about the skids and offer what is IMO crazy advice.
I hate to say to avoid the conversations where you know that the outcome will not be good. I wonder if over time your mom will begin to "get it"? SS is only 3, so as he gets older and starts sharing random snippets too with your mom it might help her understanding evolve?
I dont talk to my mother about the BF issues we have bc I find the advice she gives really isnt applicable to our situation. She means well, but she doesnt understand. This is the same way I feel when she tries to give me work advice (she was in the Marine Corps in the 80s during peace time while I am Active Duty and been to war 3 times).
As for your mom saying that DH should talk to BM daily I dont agree. When SS was younger most of the call time would be with BM bc SS just wasnt interested in the phone, but once BM "went down memory lane" DH would end the conversation. BM updating DH on SS daycare activities and doctors appointments are one thing, but when she talks about laying in bed together as a family its another. They are no longer a couple and conversations outside of their child really arent appropriate. Boundaries have to be made.
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
There is HOPE!!
I am 15 years younger than my DH, he has an ex 6 yrs older than me, and 3 SSs. BM doesn't even give the kids bathes, she's always buying them clothes that are too big, shoes that are 2 to 3 sizes too big etc etc etc... grrrr I don't even want to get into it. She is the worst mom I have ever known - and I thought my mom was bad! My mother-in-law used to be just awful to talk to about any of it and always making excuses for her even though she doesn't even like her (she ran off and got pregnant with some other guy after being married to my husband for 5 years) but now, after 4 years, after I made her listen to my crying and frustration over the lack of care the boys get when they are with BM, now she finally does "get it" and she and I are actually on the same page about things now!! My mom, surprisingly enough has "gotten it" ever since we got married. With her though there is always the advice part though..."what?! She did what?! Why haven't you hired an attorney yet?!!! That why I just hid from your dad, I didn't want to deal with this back and forth nonsense."....grrrrrr
So, some people just take time, others will always be down your throat on some subjects.
Do you know, I loved reading this whole long thread!! I just got married last year to my DH, and have 3 SK (2 whose BM is still involved, and the youngest whose isn't, so I'm her 'mom'). I have dealt many times with frustration from both women and their selfishness and lack of care and greediness. And no one I know seems to get it! It's comforting to know I'm not alone! (At least not online!) I don't tell my mom much of ANY of the stuff, but it's most because ex-wife (BM of the older 2) is SOOOO catty and cruel, I don't wanna go and be the same and talk about her, even if she's being crazy. I tell a couple close friends and that's it. DH and I don't talk TOO much about it cuz he's a "deal with it, and let it go" kinda guy. I'm the one who needs to vent and whatnot.
So now I know where to go to! Which is great, cuz we have upcoming court with BOTH women. The couple of friends I tell don't really understand, but try to sympathize with what happens, although they don't offer much advice (don't think they know what to say).
Reading some of the posts here, was nice. Ya know, the best convo I had regarding BF was actually outside a child support hearing, waiting for my DH (I wasn't allowed to be in there), and another woman was waiting for her husband as well. We exchanged stories briefly and had a lot of similarities. It was nice to vent for a 30 or 40 minutes to someone who "gets" it.
Maybe eventually I'll be able to let more go like my DH, but he's been dealing with ex-wife for over 10 years, while it's been only 2 for me.
Good luck with your mom, and I agree with some other posters, try not to tell her so much if possible, but I know sometimes it just ends up happening! You can also tell her, "Look mom, I love you but I just wanna hear some support/sympathy right now. I don't really want any advice about the situation!" Be honest with her?