not sure when to wean/stop bed-sharing (long)
beany02
member
I'm going to try to keep this short but it might get long, bear with me! : ) DD is 8 months old, and still cant put herself to sleep. We have to rock her to sleep for each nap, and at bedtime. She does fall asleep in her stroller and the car easily. But when we are home, i cant seem to get her to put herself to sleep. It only takes a few minues to rock her to sleep most of the time, so its not that big of a deal, but i feel like by this age she should be able to put herself to sleep. I have tried letting her cry it out, but decided to stop because i disagree with it. I have tried putting her in her crib super-sleepy, and coming in the room every 5 minutes to comfort her until she stops crying....except she always starts screaming as soon as i leave the room again. She will sleep in her crib the first few hours of the night after we rock her to sleep, but once she wakes up i bring her in bed with me to nurse and then she stays there the rest of the night. She takes her naps in her crib usually, but they are short.
When we bed-share, DH has to sleep on the couch because i cant get comfortable or get any good sleep with all three of us in bed. Lately DD has been waking up a lot at night and claws at me to nurse. sometimes she's hungry, sometimes she just comfort nurses back to sleep. I have really enjoyed our bed sharing because i love sleeping next to her and she loves being close to me at night. But i miss my husband and i do think DD needs to learn to fall asleep on her own. And i work 6:00pm-10:00pm now, so i need to get better sleep because i am exhausted every day from caring for LO all day and then going to work, and then getting crappy sleep.
DD is so used to bed-sharing that im not sure how to transition her to her crib full time. Or how to get her to put herself to sleep. She is VERY strong-willed and nothing i have tried has worked. Any advice?
Also, i plan on nursing for a year, or longer. I havent decided if i will let DD self-wean, or wean her when she's 1. DH and i never took a honeymoon because i was pregnant when we got married and we didnt want to spend the $. we want to take one in the fall but if i am still nursing i would rather not go. The stress on LO, and dealing with pumping, etc. is just too much. It seems selfish to consider weaning just so i can go on a belated honeymoon, but the real issue is that we need to work on our marriage. Our relationship has slowly deteriorated, and not sharing a bed anymore, work stress, financial stress, the demands of parenthood....we need some time to reconnect. Something more substantial than a date night. Do you think its selfish to wean and stop bed-sharing so that DH and I can spend more time together? I've loved our breastfeeding relationship and it means the world to me, but it would be nice if i didnt feel stress and guilt whenever i have to be away from her for a feeding and then worry about pumping, etc. I'm trying to tell myself that a year is a great accomplishment, but i know i could BF longer and part of me feels like thats what i should do if thats what LO wants to do.
Thanks for making it all the way through this post, i appreciate it!!! im really struggling with balancing whats best for DD with what's best for my marriage. And with whether or not to take a honeymoon and spend a week away from DD.
Re: not sure when to wean/stop bed-sharing (long)
Hi! I was in a very similar situation to yours when I transitioned my son (who slept with us until he was 10 months old) to his own crib. Ultimately, I was encountering the same problem: he would become irate as soon as I would leave the room. So, I transitioned him by staying in the room. For about a week, I slept on the floor beside his crib. I spoke to him to sooth him, and occasionally gave him hugs, but tried to keep the physical comforting to a minimum. After about a week, I moved farther away in the room, where he couldn't really see me but could hear my voice. Took about another week of that before he could fall asleep on his own in his crib. Another method that has been successful for friends of mine has been sitting in a chair across the room from the baby until the baby falls asleep, but that didn't go so well for us because he would always wake up when I tried to leave. I hope this proves helpful to you! I know that it was NOT an easy road, but it feels good (if a bit lonely) once the transition is complete.
Also, I BF'd my son for 18 months and felt like that was good timing for us. I understand why you wouldn't want to pump on a honeymoon-type trip, but even if you just "pumped and dumped" 2-3 times a day, your supply would probably rebound fine once you were reunited with your daughter. She won't forget how to nurse in the week that you're gone. Ultimately, of course, it has to be your decision. I probably wouldn't take the trip in the fall if I thought it might make me feel forced into/bitter about weaning my baby. That's not so good for a marriage either. I'm also a big believer though, that what's healthiest for the family as a whole unit (including dad's needs) is really what's best for baby too.
Good luck!
As for weaning, I agree you need to do what is best for your family. DD only nurses twice daily at this point so i agree that if you want to still maintain that, you can pump a few times a day and still be fine. Or you can work on weaning beforehand as long as it works for you. Another option if you have grandparents close, is maybe to take a family trip and then Spend the days together as a couple and then have evenings as a family to make it easier on LO.
Are we in the same house?? I feel this is exactly what is happening with me, minus the marriage struggles. DD is a year, and still bedshares. At one year, I planned to wean her from BF and sleeping with us, but it's HARD! I've tried before too.
With BF, I've wanted another baby for a while, but felt it was selfish to wean for that. I finally went down to one boob, and that did the trick. Just gets sore some! Then she was down to 2-3 times a day. But recently she had a cold, and now she's back to what seems 6+ times a day, including 2-3 times during night or early morning.
She slept one night in her own crib, 10pm-6am! It was amazing. Last two nights she slept 8-11 and would NOT go back in there. No matter how asleep she was, when I tried to lay her down. So I'm forced to give in and bring her to our bed, where she sleeps soundly all night. I like PP idea about getting her own bed for her room, because she definitely doesn't like the crib. We have a King-sized, pillow top mattress, I'm sure it's more comfortable! And DH wants her in our bed, so that doesn't help.
Now, I'm pregnant so I really want to wean both, for my comfort and for the future when new baby comes. Haven't had much luck yet. Like you, we obviously haven't been on a vaca either. I was prego and hurting on our HM so it wasn't that enjoyable. The first time we leave her over night will probably be when we go to hospital to have #2. Good to know others are going through the same thing. Some of my f&f can't believe we still sleep with her, and some are supportive. Ahh!