Am I a completely horrible friend?

IRR · January 2013

An outsiders perspective might be nice. So I think I have posted on here that right before my failed adoption, my BF from nursery school tells me on her 44th birthday that she is pregnant with her FOURTH, and oops it wasn't planned, but seeing what I have been going through this is such a blessing. I haven't really been able to talk to her since the failed adoption because it really bothers me that she is able to get pregnant so easily (and just one more piece of information that when I had my first miscarriage she was pregnant with her third and our kids should have been 3 weeks apart). Even thinking about her makes me upset right now. Well, I sent her second child an ecard for his 8th birthday yesterday, which she hadn't picked up yet. She commented on a photo of my new nephew that we posted of my DH at the hospital yesterday holding him, so I just let her know thanks, I also sent your DS a b'day card that hasn't been picked up didn't know if you saw it. She proceeded to sent me photos from his birthday party, but then also sent me a scathing email that she is hurt by the fact that I can't talk to her right now and if I can't talk to her why would she open e-cards for her son. The thought of actually talking to her makes me upset, so I have avoided conversations with her for the last 7 weeks. She is not someone I spoke with more than once a month and we only see each other once a year since she lives in a different state, so really, it is not like I have cut her off from a weekly chat or anything and yet she doesn't get how I am feeling. This isn't about her, I don't blame her, but shouldn't I be able to decide who I speak with and which people will make me sad versus those that may make me happy?

mom2one · January 2013

Of course you can decide...but she owns her feelings too. She is hurt from your lack of contact and ultimately she may decide to end the friendship over it. I'm sorry you are hurting.

Foster1Mom · January 2013

You have to protect your heart and do what is best for you right now. It sounds like you are just in different seasons of your lives. Friendships grow and change over time. It is not right or wrong, it is life. I would send her a email on how you feel right now and why it is hard. If she is a true friend she will accept this and understand. Sometimes you just need space. Honor your feelings and do what you need to do right now. (((HUGS))) This process tends to bring changes in friendships and relationships.

kimmyb1020 · January 2013

I'm sorry that you are hurt. It sounds like she is too and you guys aren't quite ready to talk openly about it. It's hard to get over the fact that life isn't fair and some people are super fertile and some aren't. Heck I got angry watching Teen Mom last night and seeing one of the girls get pregnant her first month off birth control. But I talk to my husband about it and I know that I am very thankful that we are adopting and this is the right path for us. It just takes reassurance sometimes. Do you have someone you can talk to and be completely open with? It's hard to admit that I'm jealous at times, but it helps me to talk about it and work through it.

MagickalNarwhal · January 2013

You are not a horrible friend. You are not able to give her what she needs right now, and she is not able to give you what you need, but that doesn't make either of you horrible of course. The crappy truth is that I think it's very very hard, bordering impossible, for people who have not gone through family building losses like you have to really get it. I lost my best friend of 10 years when I went through my miscarriages and adoption home study. I lost other minor friendships and many of the ones that stayed the course changed. Not to sound bitter, but I chalk it up to some of the many losses that repeat mc/IF/family building challenges heaped on me.

Hopefully, if this friend means a lot to you, you will be able to reconnect in the future. I'm sorry, it's so crappy that when we need the love and friendship the most, some people just can't get it.

CaptainSerious · January 2013

MagickalNarwhal:
You are not a horrible friend. You are not able to give her what she needs right now, and she is not able to give you what you need, but that doesn't make either of you horrible of course. The crappy truth is that I think it's very very hard, bordering impossible, for people who have not gone through family building losses like you have to really get it. I lost my best friend of 10 years when I went through my miscarriages and adoption home study. I lost other minor friendships and many of the ones that stayed the course changed. Not to sound bitter, but I chalk it up to some of the many losses that repeat mc/IF/family building challenges heaped on me. Hopefully, if this friend means a lot to you, you will be able to reconnect in the future. I'm sorry, it's so crappy that when we need the love and friendship the most, some people just can't get it.

I agree with all of this. You are not a bad friend. You are protecting your heart, and a good friend would understand that, even if it hurts her in the process. Unfortunately, without having gone through IF/adoption, it is very hard to imagine how difficult it is and how deep the pain resides, so many of our friends and family never understand (and if you still feel the pain even after you have children, they will likely wonder why, since you have the children you always desired).

Sadly, I've been on both sides of this (before I was ready for a family, my friend suffered IF, and I just didn't get it), and it hurts on both. The relationships that are most important to both people usually find a way of surviving the stress, but they may be different after. That's okay, though, because you will be different, too.

miss071311 · January 2013

i agree with all the other posters.. you are not a horrible friend. i just don't think you guys understand each other at this moment in your lives and of course that is going to cause some kind of friction.

not to put the ball totally in your court (because i don't think it belongs there), but it almost sounds like if you want to maintain the friendship with this woman, it might have to be... she really doesn't seem to understand the pain you are experiencing right now. it's so frustrating and infuriating that you are the one going through some terrible times, but you still have to be 'the bigger person' and reach and out explain things to her.

i haven't personally lost friends over my struggles with infertility and now my journey with adoption, but if i had a situation exactly like this... i'd probably send an email back explaining my side of the story and if the friend was able to understand and give you space, fabulous... if not, it's not worth it to stress out about it. take all the time and space you need and hopefully, she'll understand if/when you find yourself able to talk to her again.

Ginger71 · January 2013

No, you are not a bad friend (((hugs))) Some of us are more fragile than others and IMO, a true friend would understand your need for a bit of distance.

Honestly, I think it was just mean of her to send the pics to you. And why can't she just say thank you for the card? You were reaching out to acknowledge her son and she is making it all about her.

I'm sorry....maybe in time the 2 of you can talk when it is not so raw.

donmitch79 · January 2013

I have also had a very similar situation. My best friend and I got pregnant at the same time and I was due 3 weeks before her with both of our firsts. I ended up getting sick and losing the baby further along in the pregnancy. It was really hard to maneuver as best friends. I grieved my lost child, she also grieved and had a hard time trying to maneuver her guilt and enjoy her happiness. To make a long story short, it took time for us to work through our own emotions, sadness, guilt, happiness, etc. I was hurting so much that her actions made me angry and hurt but looking back, she was also working through something that was unexpected and hard. We gave space to each other but ultimately reconnected when we were both at the right place to best support each others' lives and through reconnecting, established boundaries that worked for both of us. If you are strong friends, time and space will bring you back together. Sending hugs!

so1966 · January 2013

Ginger71:

No, you are not a bad friend (((hugs))) Some of us are more fragile than others and IMO, a true friend would understand your need for a bit of distance.

Honestly, I think it was just mean of her to send the pics to you. And why can't she just say thank you for the card? You were reaching out to acknowledge her son and she is making it all about her.

I'm sorry....maybe in time the 2 of you can talk when it is not so raw.

I agree. You are still reaching out to her at a tough time in your life. A true friend should understand your need for space. She sounds selfish...

Dr.Loretta · January 2013

I think you're both sending each other mixed signals, and coming from different paces, so it's causing even more problems.

I'm sure she wonders why you won't talk to her at all just because she's pg, while you're fine posting pictures of you being around other people's kids (namely your nephew). To her, she probably figures you're going to react the same way to everyone's kids, so why can't you just be happy for her. And why you would stop all contact with her but still reach out to her son.

And I think anyone with IF goes through a period where they're mad about that Super Fertile friend/relative when we're struggling. It's hard when we're in the middle of it to step back and remind ourselves that another person's fertility status is in no way connected to our own.

If it were me, I'd take the high road. Send a calm, carefully worded e-mail. You are in a fragile place, esp with your failed match. Some relationships are going to require a step back as you process your emotions. You'll hope she can be supportive, because that's what you really need right now. And let the chips fall where they may.

nyki06 · January 2013

You need to be clear with her about your feelings if you want the relationship to continue. If she feels like you are constantly pushing her away she is bound to get upset because that's not much of a friendship. If she at least heard from you where you were coming from it would probably be easier for her to have grace for the distance you need right now. If you think that the things you listed are so hard that you can never see yourself being her friend again maybe you need to tell her that too so that she isn't waiting for forever on something that isn't going to happen.

MayDayGirl · January 2013

mom2one:
Of course you can decide...but she owns her feelings too. She is hurt from your lack of contact and ultimately she may decide to end the friendship over it. I'm sorry you are hurting.

This. Ultimately through IF sometimes while protecting ourselves we hurt others. You need to decide if its worth losing the friendship over. Hugs.

missred75 · January 2013

First of all... ::hugs:: I'm sorry you're hurting. Sad Second of all, I can definitely relate to what you're going through. I have a friend who I can't really talk to right now. She is currently pregnant with baby # 2. She got married less than 3 years ago. DH & I have been trying for longer than she has even known her husband. And when she told me that they would be trying starting on their honeymoon, I warned her that it would be difficult for me if she had a baby before me. Unfortunately, she hasn't been very sensitive about it. (She told me she was pregnant on my birthday.) But, she has been a lifelong friend and I feel like a bad person for not wanting to talk to her.

As you can see, I don't have a good answer. Emotions get in the way a lot when talking about this stuff. Are you able to talk with her about how much you are hurting or would she just take offense?

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