To have another or not?

CER+MEL · January 2013

I haven't been around here in a while, but I used to be a regular when my twins were babies. I'm home with them today as my little girl is sick, so of course I'm playing on my computer as the kids watch The Lorax.

Anyway, I've been on the fence about having another baby forever, always leaning more toward yes than no. But I just don't know. The kids are going to be three in April, I'm going to be 35 in a couple of weeks, and I'm just not sure my desire to snuggle a newborn again and to have a bigger family is worth all the sacrifices (will we ever take a big vacation?) and challenges (how much harder/riskier is a pregnancy at 35 than 32?), and t's getting to the point of you-know-what or get off the pot.

I've somewhat unofficially put this decision in the hands of whether or not we can find a big and affordable enough home in the next few months or so to raise three comfortably. I think if that works out, I'll be all about baby #3. We'll see.

Whether you firmly made the decision not to have another or to go for it, what helped you decide? I know nobody can answer this for me, but I love input from other moms, especially MoMs!

Temp123197812503460 · January 2013

im interested to see the responses, in a similar position as you.

i cant decide how much is wanting to have another child, and how much is a desire to have the singleton experience i feel like i missed out on with only one newborn.

jenn_darrin1515 · January 2013

This probably won't be helpful, but I am right there with you, except my girls are about a year older than yours. I will be 35 this weekend (yikes!) and I worry that adding baby #3 means more sacrifices (trips & extras) than I may not be willing to make...

when the girls were 1-2 I was 100% wanting to ttc for #3, dh was not at all. from 2-3 dh was 100% wanting to ttc and I was not at all (as we tried to navigate EI and constant worry about A's development). now that things are settled I serious vary day to day about wanting baby #3 (and DH does too) - some days I am 100% for it, and other days I think here I am finally getting back in shape, have time for myself (looking into going back to school), life is pretty under control most days with the girls and we can do most anything with them now and its awesome...do I want to go back to the baby stage? but then I think that age is so fleeting...and a child is for a lifetime...what the he!! do I want my family to look like in 20 years? I still cannot answer that...

the truth is if I could be guarenteed an easy single singleton pregnancy and a perfectly healthy baby I would go for it tomorrow...I just can't decide if I can deal with t-ttc, complications/bedrest, twins again (omfg), or a complications/issues with another child (while still giving the 2 I have now enough of my attention)...I need a crystal ball...

LALASEPT05 · January 2013

I don't know if I'll be helpful, but I have no desire to have a third. My kids are similar ages to yours and right now I just feel at capacity. I really feel that I don't have enough energy for another. I am really focused on the twins and on next phases as they grow. The organized activities they'll be into, preschool, travel etc...all of the enjoyment of that. FWIW though I did not enjoy the newborn stage - it was just not for me. I know a lot of people love that age, but it was not my favorite. I don't know if there was a moment that decided it for me - I just have never had the desire. No all that said - when the kids are school age and more independent I am open to the idea that I might change my mind and want a third. I doubt it - but I think it could happen. Right now though I just cant imagine being able to manage.

D&HMom · January 2013

I wrote yesterday in a similar post..absolutely not! but I always wonder what one would be like. I have so few memories of when the twins were infants...I was in survival mode. But I love the dynamic we have with a fam of 4. Traveling and financial freedom are very important to me.

I do love the idea of a big family. My fave shows are always ones around big families, Brothers and Sister, Parenthood. but I keep reminding myself its a long road to get to what I want my family to look like in 20 years!

Also I do not do the sleep dep thing well. so back to no!

GoMaltby18 · January 2013

We have two singletons, but the decision to try for a third was really easy for us. Iam 31 and MH is 35. He had always said he wanted to be done when he was 35, and I'm pretty sure I got pregnant on his birthday last year. For us 2 just didn't seem like enough; we had gone back and forth between having three or maybe having four but with the timing we figured three would be it. Lo and behold we ended up with a 3rd AND a 4th. I am definitely concerned about vacations and finances and such in the future, and we really need a bigger house sometime next year (we'll be moving anyway since MH is in the military) but the desire for more children just outweighed all the other stuff for us.

I freaked out when I found out I was expecting twins, but I just keep looking 10-20 years down the road and how amazing it's going to be to have this big family and what holidays and weddings and such will be like and I think it will be so worth it.

angelfire02 · January 2013

As a mom to 8 month old twins that doesn't have a uterus anymore, I can tell you that we are willing to sacrifice a lot to get that third baby. I wish I was in your place about not knowing if I want one or not. (I'm not trying to be snarky at all, just envious of even having that inkling that I might feel 'done'.) My thoughts would be if you are not sure, wait until you have a stronger feeling one way or the other, I get that age is a factor and it would be for me too, but if you aren't totally set on having another or totally feeling like "NO WAY!" then give it a little more time.

Probably not a very helpful post....sorry about that.

tiffanymuegge · January 2013

Probably not helpful, but I am curious to everyone's response as well. I had DS when I was young (21) - then we waited til we had everything in order (house, finances, etc) before we had another - well that meant 9 years - didn't mean for it to be that long, but we were always on the fence. I was 30 when the twins were born. I am now 32 - the twins will be 2 in March, and DH is all for another - me, not so sure. We are actually in the process of selling our home (appraisal tomorrow - nervous wreck - another post in itself!) - and we are buying my parent's home, which is a little over 3000 sq ft - with 4 bedrooms. Do the math, and we already have all the rooms filled up. I KNOW that shouldn't be a reason NOT to have another child, but like others have said, do I really want to go through the baby stage all over again, miss out on family vacations because the baby is too little to go. I am leaning more towards being done, DH is leaning more towards yes...so, who knows what lies ahead, but whatever we decide, I am not getting any younger!!!

aahix · January 2013

Not sure that I could be of much help either, but I'm a mom of 3 already (singletons) and am currenlty expecting twins. I would give a little more time and see what you really feel. My opinion is there is always a "reason" not to have one, you have to move past that and see how you REALLY feel about it. Technically our house would be filled up too if we put each child in their own room (that includes the coming twins...we have 5 bedrooms), but we have the two boys I already have sharing a room together. They don't really NEED their own rooms. LOL

CER+MEL · January 2013

At least I'm not alone!

keg · January 2013

We wanted more than two kids, so it just took us a while to figure out when it made sense. DH is one of six. I have one sister, but I wanted more than 2 kids. I had pretty bad baby fever when they were in the 18ish range if I remember correctly. However, we waiting until they were 2ish to do a FET and then when that didn't work, we waited almost another year to do another IVF cycle. I'm 37 now and enjoying having a relatively normal singleton pregnancy. It feels more difficult than the first time around, but that's because I'm not on bedrest and actually doing things! It's great to see DDs so excited about their little sister and I know that they will be great big sisters, even if we have some rough patches. I think 4 is a great age because my DDs are more independent and have a great time playing with each other (heck, they tell me to go away a good portion of the time!). I'm still a little freaked out that I'm going back to a world of very little sleep and know that trying to juggle a newborn and two preschoolers will take a little bit of work.

I am looking forward to having a singleton experience, but it's also strange how with DDs, pregnancy and baby stuff was all consuming. Now it seems like with this LO, it's just part of life and that she's already part of the family, if that makes any sense. I also feel much more confident as a mom the second time around and not as stressed about every little thing. Good luck with whatever you decide!

CER+MEL · January 2013

Keg, I think that's my dream. I hope it all plays out as I imagine. If not, I've been pretty dang blessed already, so there's no wrong way to go, I suppose.

Reilly626 · January 2013

If I were in my 20's I'd be curious how easy a singleton would be compared to twins. But we are so blessed with a darling boy and girl and feel complete. We also love to travel and traveling as a foursome will be easier than a 5 group. It's really a personal decision. Having pre-e last pregnancy was scary and not fun. I can't imagine taking away my attention from these two with being tired and dr appts.

mirnb · January 2013

This is a totally personal decision for each person but for me I feel like my children are my legacy, the only lasting thing I will leave to this world. I'd rather put my time and energy into building my family right now (I would like 1, maybe 2 more, will most likely start trying once the boys turn 2). Everyones situation is different but the way I look at it, I have my whole life to work and my kids do not need all kinds of material things to be happy. I just want to be that family in 20 years all gathered together around the table at holiday time and be glad that we were able to give them a big support system. I grew up with 2 sisters and we are all extremely close so thats where I'm coming from

macchiatto · January 2013

We're planning to revisit the issue this spring and decide for sure. It is not an easy decision to make!

macchiatto · January 2013

somewhereincali:
im interested to see the responses, in a similar position as you.
i cant decide how much is wanting to have another child, and how much is a desire to have the singleton experience i feel like i missed out on with only one newborn.

I totally relate to this, too.

leapgirl8 · January 2013

We have not decided, but I feel done. There are tons of practical reasons not to have more (travel, smaller cars and house, more $$ to do special things w/ current kids, school/activities logistically easier, etc etc etc.) but more than that I just feel like our family is complete. When I look at our two kids I feel so happy and lucky, and when I try to picture a third in there it just feels weird. Like, who is that kid? And when I think about having 3-4 adult children, I don't get any "Oo, that would be so nice" feelings either. It would be fine, but it doesn't feel like something I need.

All that said, if DW decides that she wants more, I know we can swing it, I know I would love the pants off that kid, and I know that I would never deny her something so big. She has been too good to me - and she is too good a mom - to do that. So at this point it is up to her.

Fancy3Face · January 2013

We definitely want another. We'll do a FET when DH gets home from deployment. We have three frozen embies. If that doesn't work we'll probably go on to try IVF2 and transfer only one embie at a time. We'll see how it goes. I'll be 30 at the end of June.

Sarah226 · January 2013

I'm mostly responding to say my twins are Michael and Sophie, too! Good names. In our case, I'm pretty much planning on trying for a third probably in the spring of next year. We have 5 frozen embryos, though, plus I'm only 28, and those two things are driving that decision pretty strongly. I also really want to experience a singleton, so we'lbe doing sFETs. That being said, if none of them took, I don't think we'd do a fresh cycle, I'd take it as a sign that we're done.

MuseumMaven · January 2013

I'm struggling with this decision as well. We had always planned to have two and never expected to have two at once. I feel so blessed to have my sweet little boys, but I also am sad that I only had the chance to have one pregnancy, one newborn experience, etc. The idea of never having another baby breaks my heart, but I'm not sure if my desire for another baby is really the desire for a larger family.

I know that isn't helpful at all, I'm just saying that I understand!

CER+MEL · January 2013

It's such a tough thing to sort out, isn't it? I know my ideal is another baby (just one), a comfortable home, rich experiences for my children, and the financial stuff to work itself out. I just don't know if it all can happen. More soul searching is in order, but thanks for the thoughts, advice, and the "I'm right there with ya"s.

I love this board.

missfire · February 2013

My husband and I have decided we are done, but I do still have that desire for another newborn. I have no idea why, practically speaking - my twins will be two next week and still don't STTN, we have so little time without the kids, and our house is a crazy zoo all day long! We are planning for my husband to have a vasectomy, but I guess I'm not in a huge hurry, and wouldn't be upset if we were to have an "accident"! But most likely, I will be getting my baby cuddles from friends' new babies, and someday from grandkids, and be grateful for the kids I have.

alice2Bcheshire · February 2013

MuseumMaven:
I'm struggling with this decision as well. We had always planned to have two and never expected to have two at once. I feel so blessed to have my sweet little boys, but I also am sad that I only had the chance to have one pregnancy, one newborn experience, etc. The idea of never having another baby breaks my heart, but I'm not sure if my desire for another baby is really the desire for a larger family. I know that isn't helpful at all, I'm just saying that I understand!

Oh, this. I had the singleton experience already, we have kids of both sexes, I'll be 33 in a month, I'm terrified of twins again, we're busting at the seams of our 3 bed/2 bath house-- so many reasons to say we're done. And maybe we are. But I can't say that for sure, not yet. At the same time, though, I wonder if having another would be for them (i.e., b/c I want a larger family) or for me (b/c I want another baby).

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