Response Rant ~Long~

mfarmer0811 · January 2013

When I tell people that both of my fallopian tubes are blocked, and that I will be having surgery, and then most likely start IVF treatments, I'm so sick and tired of hearing the response, "well, at least there's hope! At least you will still be able to get pregnant." Yes, I know ALL of the possibilities, I KNOW it could be so much worse! But why do people want to try and down play my feelings I have right now, why must they make feel guilty for being upset, and angry, and worried, etc. about this diagnosis?! Why can't people just be like, Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that, I can't imagine what you are going through right now?! I just really don't get it! I serioulsy think people think that when I tell them we will most likely have to do IVF, I think that they think all we will have to do is one little shot, and then BOOM I'll be pregnant! Really? How DUMB can people be? Ugh! I'm just so irritated and frustrated to no end right now! Yes, I know there is hope, yes, I know this isn't the end of the road for me right now, but do you REALLY expect me to be all happy, happy, joy, joy because I'm going to have surgery, and then try and get knocked up in a Drs. office? REALLY?!

Ok-Rant over. Thanks for listening! Please..respond with your rants,and how you deal with insensitive idiotic people!

solisilou · January 2013

I know what you mean... Most people feel very uncomfortable when you tell them about your problems. I have the feeling they're afraid you'll start a sobbing theater unless they say something motivating and full of hope right away. Infertility is ugly and nobody likes to look it in the face. They would then have to admit that there's a chance, albeit remote, that you might never get pregnant and that just doesn't fit in the pink and flowery view they have of the world. It's sad that you're not even allowed to be sad.

RachH517 · January 2013

I also think that most people really don't know what to say. They don't know that you are not looking for solutions or a cheerleader, you just want someone to say "I'm sorry, that really sucks. What can I do for you?" At least we are here for you to rant, rave, sob or do anything else that you need to do.

daiseydooda · January 2013

This.

And I totally understand. Having unexplained IF and hearing people say "oh so there's nothing really wrong with you" Confused .

solisilou:
I know what you mean... Most people feel very uncomfortable when you tell them about your problems. I have the feeling they're afraid you'll start a sobbing theater unless they say something motivating and full of hope right away. Infertility is ugly and nobody likes to look it in the face. They would then have to admit that there's a chance, albeit remote, that you might never get pregnant and that just doesn't fit in the pink and flowery view they have of the world. It's sad that you're not even allowed to be sad.

Manada · January 2013

I totally know what you mean.

It's so frustrating and makes me feel worse because I feel like I need to put on a happy face to make THEM feel better about their "helping"

mfarmer0811 · January 2013

Yeah, I totally get that they don't know what to say, but when they see that I'm obviously upset, I think it is just cruel to say, well, it's not that bad...it could be worse. Yeah, I know that, but what I'm going through right now, is as worse as it has been..does that make sense? And, it's always the ones that already have perfect children, and they have NO idea what I'm going through, and to act like you do, well, that's just plain insensitive! I'm so thankful I found this Website, and these message boards! Thank you ladies so very much. As you can see by my siggy, I'm new to all of this! I'm just so scared and sad. I'm anxious and hopeful.
I have been staring at my phone for the past 24 hours waiting on a phone call from the surgery scheduler...I'm just so ready to get on with the next step!

twistsandturnsto2 · January 2013

RachH517:
I also think that most people really don't know what to say. They don't know that you are not looking for solutions or a cheerleader, you just want someone to say "I'm sorry, that really sucks. What can I do for you?" At least we are here for you to rant, rave, sob or do anything else that you need to do.

This.

I have to say though, I know they mean well, but everyone around me has this sort of Pollyanna attitude about our journey..... "You are going to be a parent, this will work" etc. and I'm starting to get tired of it. I'm all for keeping positive about everything, but part of what gets me through this is accepting that it might not work, KWIM?

vegasbound0606 · January 2013

I also think that people have no clue how difficult it is to live with the thought of not having children. They don't understand that every month you get your hopes up just to have them crushed a month later. They don't know how much of our lives we have to change because we're always TTC (diet, exercise, drinking, acupuncture, vitamins, the list goes on and on). They don't know that it's like a punch in the gut when you hear so and so got KU. They don't realize the stress it puts our marriages under.

My DH was playing around with our nephew the other day. My SIL, who doesn't know we're still TTC, mentioned that we should adopt a kid around the age of hers so my husband would have a playmate. I wanted to kick her a$$. Not that I'm against adoption what so ever. I just felt like she automatically assumed that my child bearing days were done. It's times like that I'd like to have a one liner for these rude people.

jakraft837 · January 2013

I couldn't agree with you more!

I just try to remember how ignorant I was to this process before we started. I always knew IF treatment wasn't easy since DH has some family members that had to do IUI, but i had no idea of the emotional roller coaster is would be.

You are right, people are dumb. Some is just ignorance, some is just plain stupidity. I have a friend starting the IUI process (she didn't know of our struggles until very recently) who when told she should try IUI actually said to me, "it's not a big deal. I take a few pills and I should be pregnant" Boom! Just like that!

FWIW-After doing several cycles thru OBGYN on Clomid +TI (which she didn't listen to me when i said don't do-but then again she had no idea i knew what i knew which is when i came out to her), only to go to RE to find she has poor egg reserve, PCOS and a blocked tube.

This is part of the reason sometimes i want to be more open about our journey. I feel like people need to be educated on this issue.

SteFizzRich · January 2013

I hate when people point out how much worse it can get as a way of trying to comfort me.

When we first started with RE "Oh well, you've only only been trying for a year and a half, that's really not that long. There are people who've tried for 5-10 years before they get pregnant."

After failed IVF "Oh well, so you try again. There are people who have to do it 2 or 3 times before they're successfull."

I totally agree with you. Just because it can get worse and there are others whose struggles are greater does not mean that I don't have a right to be frustrated or sad. When they say things like this I feel as if they are trying to down play my own situation and that's just not fair or helpful.

mfarmer0811 · January 2013

This. Exactly!

katmarso · January 2013

Ugh, I'm so sorry. My unknowingly insensitive SIL said to me last week, "Gosh, that must be horrible. I don't know what I would do without my kids. If you can't have kids, are you going to be ok with that?" WTH do I say to that?

mfarmer0811 · January 2013

***Ticker warning, conception announced***

I'm doing LAP surgery. I think she wants to make sure that there is nothing else the matter. On my HSG it looked like only my left tube was blocked...my OBGYN ordered the HSG.....when I went to the RE, she did a u/s and saw fluid in my right tube as well. She looked at the film from the HSG and it showed that the dye didn't empty into my uterus like it should have....I think she also wants to see if it can be repaired. I'm not sure that I'm comfortable going straight to IVF if there is a chance to conceive without it. I'm one of the "what if" people. I also know a lady that had 2 tubes blocked, and did the LAP surger...she went in to see if they were cleared, and they weren't so the Dr. said let's remove them, and start IVF. When they opened her up, everything was working, and she conceived 2 months later. I know that everyone is different, but I would always wonder.

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