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A rare pang of sympathy/pity

CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
in Blended Families

There is no love lost between me and BM.  We're all aware of this.  I can quite truthfully say that I hate her.  She is emotionally manipulative towards K, she's unreasonable and vindictive towards me and my husband, and she bullies and is rude to my daughter.  Which is why this is so painful to say: I feel so bad for her.

Yup, I said it.  I am actually feeling pity for this woman.  Last night I found out through a mutual acquaintance that BM's on-again off-again BF went out of town for the weekend with his XGF (who he has a child with) last weekend to see a concert.  Ouch.  BM and the BF have been on-again off-again for the last 3 years, and recently "celebrated" their anniversary.  But the whole time they have been together, the BF has been going back and forth with his XGF.  This is the same BF who won't allow BM and K to come to his son's birthday parties because the XGF doesn't want them there.  This is the same BF who goes out of State the last 3 Thanksgivings with his XGF and their toddler.  The whole relationship has made my blood boil for BM, because she's getting jerked around and continues to stay with him.   

But mostly, it makes me angry because K is caught up in all of this this.  She really believes that BM and the BF are eventually going to get married and that the BF's son will be her little brother.  It makes my heart hurt that K wants a "normal" family with BM like she has here with us. 

I know there's really no point to this post.  I just wanted to get this off my chest so that I don't say something to DH.  He gets more worked up and frustrated about the issues with the BF than I do.  

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Re: A rare pang of sympathy/pity

  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    You're a good person.

    But I can honestly say the BM in your situation doesn't deserve your sympathy.  She chooses to stay, and knowing what I know of her, I'd say she does so because she thrives on the drama.

    When K says something, just hug her and say "Brothers are the greatest, aren't they." or "It's so good when Mommy is happy."  Both true statements but without false hope.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    yup you reap what you sow. That's why I gave Bm 2 million chances. I felt so badly for her because she has such a pathetic life. How can you not pity someone who gave you the gift of an awesome kid... but now I just don't think about it. In all areas of her life she has made her bed and now has to live with the consequences. I don't wish her ill or well any more.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    imageFutureMrsWittig:

    You're a good person.

    But I can honestly say the BM in your situation doesn't deserve your sympathy.  She chooses to stay, and knowing what I know of her, I'd say she does so because she thrives on the drama.

    When K says something, just hug her and say "Brothers are the greatest, aren't they." or "It's so good when Mommy is happy."  Both true statements but without false hope.

    I don't know that I'm necessarily a "good" person, but thank you  Smile

    As for BM thriving on the drama, she really does.  Especially when it comes to trying to co-parent with my husband.  But I don't think that's her reason for staying with the BF.  Truth is, she needs a ring.  She needs someone to marry her and "save" her.  She needs someone to swoop in and fix everything for her because even she knows she can't do it on her own.  This BF is pretty much her last chance.  It's sad and terrible, but this is the position she has put herself and K in.  

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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    She is letting him get away with it.  Clearly she has no self esteem if she is going to let her BF act that way.  That is sad.
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  • lb1212lb1212 member

    Yup. It's painful to watch the BM go through trainwrecks. Since, DH and BM divorced, BM dated guy#1 for 2 years and was married to guy#1 for 2 months before they divorced. We know she dated guy #2 sometime after divorce #2, but they broke up earlier this month. Now she's dating guy#3.....I can't imagine "seriously" dating like this! Gotta give her credit for putting herself back out there.

    How is K feeling about all of this?

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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member

    I don't talk to K about her mother's relationship woes.  The few times K has mentioned BM being really sad or crying, I try and turn K's focus to happy things.  At the age of 7, K acts as though her happiness is dependent on BM's happiness.  So we try and show her that her feelings are independent of BM's. I don't know if K knows about this recent trip out of town.  When she's brought up the BF going out of state for Thanksgiving with the XGF and their child, I just tell her that it's wonderful that the child gets to travel with it's mother and how great it is that the XGF lets the BF come along so he doesn't miss out on the holiday.  DH and I do our best to try and keep those chats focused on how nice it is that the BF is so involved with his child and avoid any mention of BM.

    And Dmnds you're absolutely right, BM has a major self esteem problem.

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  • happywife2bhappywife2b member
     wouldn't say there is "no point" to your post. Your feelings are valid, and your concern for your SD is admirable. I think your description of events clearly illustrated BM's lack of healthy boundaries and decision-making skills. Sad that this is a constant influence on your lives. How difficult!
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