Serious problem with SS - kind of long
meli1025
member
Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've posted here but I posted a while back about problems I was having with my SS. I will re-introduce myself now since it seems I will need more support from this board and some advice on what I'm going through. I'm 34 and have been married to DH for almost 4 years, together for 8. I have a 22 yo SD, 14 yo SS and 13 yo SD. The 13 and 14 year olds are with us every other weekend. We also see them a lot during the week, as much as we can since they only live about two miles away. DH and I have a 2.5 yo DS together and most recently, became parents to an angel baby. : (
So here's what's going on with SS. He's failing his classes, getting thrown off of sports teams in school, getting in school suspensions and most recently started tweeting about smoking pot. So, DH and I drug tested him last night and it came back positive for pot. Mind you, BM actually asked DH if we could test him because we did it back in the summer and it came back clean, but his behaviours have been telling us something is up. SO, we get this positive test last night and I immediately say how we will put him into counseling and he should have his phone, twitter, facebook, ipad...all of that taken away. DH agrees...the problem is BM who has him most of the time. When DH took him home he talked with BM and she comletely downplayed this situation. She said she can't take his phone away in case he's out with his friends and she needs to get in touch with him..what?! And that she can't keep him living in a bubble, "all kids try pot" she says. Then when DH mentioned the counseling she says "yeah he really has issues he keeps talking about how he doesn't have a father". So as you can see we get nowhere with BM and he has zero consequences at home for his actions. We're the "bad guys" who don't let him out on our weekends. DH is there for him all the time. He goes to every game, practice, school event, takes him to dinner during the week a lot, sees him on non-parenting weekends. So either BM is saying this to upset DH or SS is saying it to play the pity card. Whichever it is, it's hurtful and BS. Last night SS was back on twitter, tweeting away as if nothing happened. I'm at a loss. I'm calling my EAP plan at work today to get him into counseling and it infuriates me that DH and I are the only ones that seem to think this is a problem.
So sorry for the long post...but I could really use some advice on what to do. She can't just completely ignore a positive drug test! Thanks for taking the time to read if you've gotten this far.
BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.
BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.
BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.
BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section
Re: Serious problem with SS - kind of long
There is trying pot, and then there is trying pot and hanging out with people to a point that it's seriously affecting your life.
BM is focussing on the pot, when it's his behavior and grades that are the issue.
PUSH like hell for counselling. Keep insisting. If she refuses, I'd pursue other avenues like CPS and legal action against BM.
the way I see it you have 2 options, call cps or the police, or file for full custody. not sure which would be easier
BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.
BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.
BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.
BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section
Yes.
Take her to court over the counseling issue. How is she going to stand in front of a judge and defend her decisions?
If he "just" tried pot, I can understand not reacting right away. But it's affecting him so I think you have no choice but to push for what you believe is right.
You are right in your concerns. Just keep doing what you're doing. You both seem to be on the right track.
I agree, the issue here isn't that he's trying pot, it's that he's trying pot and failing classes and getting into trouble.
Can your DH try talking to BM again and point out to her that even if "all kids try pot" all kids do NOT get suspended, get thrown off their teams and fail their classes. THESE are the behaviors you're concerned will ruin his chances at a good life later.
It's good you're going to get him some counseling. Just make sure you make it clear to him that this is a result of all of his behaviors, not just the positive drug test.