My husband and I have been getting into heated arguments about having a second child and it's really starting to make me feel down. He definitely wants another baby, I'm on the fence and leaning towards not having another one. I had a very difficult L&D (42 hours, 4th degree tear) and found out during my pregnancy that I'm a carrier for Fragile-X. So any time I get pregnant I know I'll need to have an amnio at 12 weeks to find out if something is seriously wrong with the baby. I'm terrified of getting pregnant again and finding out I've passed on a high mutation of Fragile X. And of course I'm nervous about going through L&D again after my first experience.
It's been 3+ years since my daughter was born and I've tried talking to my husband about my feelings. It always ends up in a fight. He doesn't understand why I'm not over my L&D experience yet, or why the need to have an amnio and possibly terminate a pregnancy (something I would never want to do unless absolutely necessary) makes me wary of trying at all.
Anyways, we got into another huge blow up last night. I was trying to share my fears and he got mad at me for bringing them up AGAIN. I've really struggled with the idea of getting pregnant again and have definitely gone through a 'not again' phase. He says it's unfair to him that I jerk his feelings around by vacillating, but he's the only person I have to talk to about this.
I dunno, the whole thing just feels like the opposite of the way you're supposed to act when you're considering maybe having another child. I should add that we've been intimate 2 times since my daughter was born so on that level I find the idea of TTC kinda like, whoa, you suddenly want to be intimate with me after years and with the expectation that I get pregnant?
Any advice would be welcome. Thanks for letting me vent ladies.
Re: Normal to fight about having 2nd child?
Red Flag #1: Your husband is not taking feelings into consideration
Red Flag #2: You've had sex 2 times in 3 years
Get thee to a counselor ASAP!
I have had 3 traumatic births and I had a hard time getting over them, I'm still not there with birth #3(uterine rupture) It's completely normal to worry about the "what ifs" and if he isn't going to support you in a way that makes you feel safe going forward then I would hold off TTC until you guys get some stuff figured out.
I think you both need some counseling to help better understand each other and to help you heal emotionally.
WHY are you not having sex?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts thefarmchick, I really appreciate it. I agree that counseling would be good but it's expensive and not covered by our insurance.
To answer your question about the intimacy thing: I don't know. He stopped finding me attractive when I was pregnant with our daughter. (We did not have sex while I was pregnant.) After giving birth I felt really insecure about my appearance and he told me that he would never find me attractive until I found myself attractive. He tells me now he was just joking about that but it's stuck with me and doesn't make me feel very confident. I'm about 10lbs heavier than I was before getting pregnant, which puts me at 139lbs. I've tried initiating things with my husband but he's usually too tired or too busy. He never comes on to me himself. I'm sure if I wore sexy lingerie and really glammed it up a few times a week he would be interested, but between working full-time, being a mom and feeling like he doesn't find me attractive anyways, I usually feel like it would be a lot of effort for nothing. I also feel like he should find me attractive without all the fancy stuff you know? But yea, there is an issue. If I get a peck on the lips while he's headed to work in the morning that's a lot of affection.
(I should add though, that my husband is an amazing father. Our daughter adores him and he really goes out of his way to make time for her in his busy schedule.)
counseling can be very expensive, but this is how I got around that. My counselor's office always has an intern. The person has all their "schooling" done but just needs experience hours. At my office, they only charge $25 a session to see the intern. The others are $90 and if you see an M.D. it is $110 a session. The intern that I see is great. You could check out these options.
My husband and I don't have sex as often as we should, but it is not as severe as you are describing. My husband is also a great dad but isn't very affectionate. I agree with PP that you should try to fix these issues before thinking of TTC. Good luck and I wish you the best!
This is all kinds of messed up. I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like you don't really have a marriage at all. He just wants kids and is using you as a means to an end. I would not have more children with this man. He sounds incredibly selfish. Your fears are completely justified and valid. The fact that he isn't listening because he wants his way is totally disrespectful.
I understand that insurance doesn't cover counseling but that doesn't mean you have zero options. As a previous poster suggested an intern is a more affordable option. Many employers offer a employee assistance program as part of their benefit package. It usually covers a certain amount of counseling sessions a year free of charge. It usually isn't a ton--like 4-6 sessions if that, but it's better than nothing and a start. You should ask your DH to check with his employer (or directly call the HR department yourself and ask).
I wish you luck.
On another note about the FXS, I have a 50/50 chance of having the carrier gene so I am getting tested next week and if I do have it there is a 50/50 chance of passing it to my children, which you already know. There are other ways around it, terminating the pregnancy is NOT your only option! Your dr can do different things and find your eggs that aren't affected and you can have a normal healthy baby! And if you do have a baby with FXS please don't terminate it.
While there are obviously other options besides terminating, I don't think she needs or wants people passing judgement on her choices.
In not passing judgement..I'm just stating my opinion, letting her know there are other options. Thanks for your concern though..
Do you think the OP is clueless to her other options? Keep the termination debate out of this and stfu.
OP, I'm just going to ditto everyone else. You and YH have some deep-seated issues that need to be fully addressed before you TTC again (if ever). Frankly I would be just as scared as you in your shoes and I feel that your husband's unwillingness to understand these things is offensive and wrong. Good luck to you.
I am sorry you are going through this. To the point about the trauma you experienced, I would definetly bring it up with your OB/gyn. In some cases insurance can cover therapy after a traumatic event such as birth trauma.
I do think seeking therapy for both of you would be best.
I am so sorry you are going through this but I agree that you guys need to work on your intimacy issues before even thinking about TTC #2. Do you have relatives in the area that could watch your DD a few times a month so you and DH could go on some date nights? Getting dressed up nice and having a night out just the 2 of you could really help the situation. Everyone is busy and tired but you have to make time for eachother a priority.
As far as being scared about TTC #2, have you talked with a genetic councelor about the chances of conceiving a child with fragile-x? Also, many of us have had scary births but our desire for more children is usually greater than the fear.. so maybe you really just aren't ready, and more likely, just aren't feeling close to your husband right now...
I would definitely start with bettering your marriage and then go from there. Best of luck with you and again I am so sorry for what you are both going through.
BFP 5/21/10, Missed m/c 7/5/10 at 11w3d (baby measured 7wks), D&C 7/7/10
Aug/Sept 2010 - CD3&10 b/w & u/s, genetic testing, SA, HSG, & Lap/Hyst to remove septum
12/09/10 BFP -- 7/05/11 DS born at 33w5d. Came home after 23d in NICU at 37w0d
June 2012 - TTC #2! -- 10/05/12 BFP -- 5/23/13 DS2 born at 37w1d! Yay full term!
Surprise BFP 6/25/14 LO#3 due Feb2015!
First of all OP said that she would have to have an amnio to find out if there is something wrong, she never said she would terminate and even if she did, it's none of your business.
Second of all if OP's insurance doesn't cover counseling and she can't afford it OOP, do you really think that it will cover IVF with PGD or that OP will be able to pay OOP if they dont? While yes, theoretically IVF with PGD is the best option for people who are carriers of genetic disorders (I am a carrier for CF, thankfully my husband is not. While we were waiting for his screening results, I did a lot of thinking about IVF with PGD), realistically not everyone can afford it.
OP- Work on your marriage first. DH and I hit a rough patch in our marriage and couples counseling really helped us. Definitely look into all of your options for couseling. Once your marriage is fixed, I would talk to a genetic counselor before TTC. Hopefully this will help both you and your husband understand your odds of passing on FXS and together you can decide if and how you will expand your family.
TTC #1 since August 2011
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September 2012: Start IF testing
DH (32): SA is ok, slightly low morph, normal SCSA Me (32): Slightly low progesterone, hostile CM, carrier for CF, Moderately high NKC, High TNFa, heterozyogous mutated Factor XIII, and +APA
October 2012-May 2014: 4 failed IUIs, 3 failed IVFs, and 1 failed FETw/donor embryos
November 2014: IVF w/ICSI #4 Agonist/Antagonist with EPP and Prednisone, Baby Aspirin, Lovenox, and IVIG for immune issues. Converted to freeze all due to lining issues. 2 blasts frozen on day 6!
January 2015: FET #2 Cancelled due to lining issues
April 2015: FET #2.1
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All of the above. No one deserves to be treated like that. I am so sorry for everything you're going through. *hugs*
Me: 29 / Hubster: 31
Married July 2010
DC #1 Oct 2013
DC #2 EDD June 2016
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Age: Me 26, DH 27, Married Oct. 10, 2009 ,TTC since March 2012
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