Normal to fight about having 2nd child?

NaoK · January 2013

My husband and I have been getting into heated arguments about having a second child and it's really starting to make me feel down. He definitely wants another baby, I'm on the fence and leaning towards not having another one. I had a very difficult L&D (42 hours, 4th degree tear) and found out during my pregnancy that I'm a carrier for Fragile-X. So any time I get pregnant I know I'll need to have an amnio at 12 weeks to find out if something is seriously wrong with the baby. I'm terrified of getting pregnant again and finding out I've passed on a high mutation of Fragile X. And of course I'm nervous about going through L&D again after my first experience.

It's been 3+ years since my daughter was born and I've tried talking to my husband about my feelings. It always ends up in a fight. He doesn't understand why I'm not over my L&D experience yet, or why the need to have an amnio and possibly terminate a pregnancy (something I would never want to do unless absolutely necessary) makes me wary of trying at all.

Anyways, we got into another huge blow up last night. I was trying to share my fears and he got mad at me for bringing them up AGAIN. I've really struggled with the idea of getting pregnant again and have definitely gone through a 'not again' phase. He says it's unfair to him that I jerk his feelings around by vacillating, but he's the only person I have to talk to about this.

I dunno, the whole thing just feels like the opposite of the way you're supposed to act when you're considering maybe having another child. I should add that we've been intimate 2 times since my daughter was born so on that level I find the idea of TTC kinda like, whoa, you suddenly want to be intimate with me after years and with the expectation that I get pregnant?

Any advice would be welcome. Thanks for letting me vent ladies.

thefarmchick · January 2013

Red Flag #1: Your husband is not taking feelings into consideration

Red Flag #2: You've had sex 2 times in 3 years

Get thee to a counselor ASAP!

I have had 3 traumatic births and I had a hard time getting over them, I'm still not there with birth #3(uterine rupture) It's completely normal to worry about the "what ifs" and if he isn't going to support you in a way that makes you feel safe going forward then I would hold off TTC until you guys get some stuff figured out.

I think you both need some counseling to help better understand each other and to help you heal emotionally.

WHY are you not having sex?

NaoK · January 2013

Thank you for sharing your thoughts thefarmchick, I really appreciate it. I agree that counseling would be good but it's expensive and not covered by our insurance.

To answer your question about the intimacy thing: I don't know. He stopped finding me attractive when I was pregnant with our daughter. (We did not have sex while I was pregnant.) After giving birth I felt really insecure about my appearance and he told me that he would never find me attractive until I found myself attractive. He tells me now he was just joking about that but it's stuck with me and doesn't make me feel very confident. I'm about 10lbs heavier than I was before getting pregnant, which puts me at 139lbs. I've tried initiating things with my husband but he's usually too tired or too busy. He never comes on to me himself. I'm sure if I wore sexy lingerie and really glammed it up a few times a week he would be interested, but between working full-time, being a mom and feeling like he doesn't find me attractive anyways, I usually feel like it would be a lot of effort for nothing. I also feel like he should find me attractive without all the fancy stuff you know? But yea, there is an issue. If I get a peck on the lips while he's headed to work in the morning that's a lot of affection.

(I should add though, that my husband is an amazing father. Our daughter adores him and he really goes out of his way to make time for her in his busy schedule.)

candlequeen · January 2013

wickedsugar:
If you really want to, there are low cost counseling options out there, but that is not a normal healthy marriage & you both need help, I wouldn't TTC without fixing the issues first & if you can't afford counseling to get your selves & your marriage healthy, then you can't afford another kid.

counseling can be very expensive, but this is how I got around that. My counselor's office always has an intern. The person has all their "schooling" done but just needs experience hours. At my office, they only charge $25 a session to see the intern. The others are $90 and if you see an M.D. it is $110 a session. The intern that I see is great. You could check out these options.

My husband and I don't have sex as often as we should, but it is not as severe as you are describing. My husband is also a great dad but isn't very affectionate. I agree with PP that you should try to fix these issues before thinking of TTC. Good luck and I wish you the best!

kcisthebombdotcom · January 2013

NaoK:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts thefarmchick, I really appreciate it. I agree that counseling would be good but it's expensive and not covered by our insurance.
To answer your question about the intimacy thing: I don't know. He stopped finding me attractive when I was pregnant with our daughter. (We did not have sex while I was pregnant.) After giving birth I felt really insecure about my appearance and he told me that he would never find me attractive until I found myself attractive. He tells me now he was just joking about that but it's stuck with me and doesn't make me feel very confident. I'm about 10lbs heavier than I was before getting pregnant, which puts me at 139lbs. I've tried initiating things with my husband but he's usually too tired or too busy. He never comes on to me himself. I'm sure if I wore sexy lingerie and really glammed it up a few times a week he would be interested, but between working full-time, being a mom and feeling like he doesn't find me attractive anyways, I usually feel like it would be a lot of effort for nothing. I also feel like he should find me attractive without all the fancy stuff you know? But yea, there is an issue. If I get a peck on the lips while he's headed to work in the morning that's a lot of affection.
(I should add though, that my husband is an amazing father. Our daughter adores him and he really goes out of his way to make time for her in his busy schedule.)

This is all kinds of messed up. I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like you don't really have a marriage at all. He just wants kids and is using you as a means to an end. I would not have more children with this man. He sounds incredibly selfish. Your fears are completely justified and valid. The fact that he isn't listening because he wants his way is totally disrespectful.

I understand that insurance doesn't cover counseling but that doesn't mean you have zero options. As a previous poster suggested an intern is a more affordable option. Many employers offer a employee assistance program as part of their benefit package. It usually covers a certain amount of counseling sessions a year free of charge. It usually isn't a ton--like 4-6 sessions if that, but it's better than nothing and a start. You should ask your DH to check with his employer (or directly call the HR department yourself and ask).

I wish you luck.

audra342 · January 2013

Another possible option for counseling would be churches/synagogue/place of worship. I don't know if you are religious or not, and I'm not presuming anything. But sessions with a pastor/rabbi/whomever maybe even less expensive.

DTNZ4Ever · January 2013

On the counseling front check for local community mental health centers they often work with what you can afford and pay on a sliding scale.

Lexi58 · January 2013

This is so sad:
On another note about the FXS, I have a 50/50 chance of having the carrier gene so I am getting tested next week and if I do have it there is a 50/50 chance of passing it to my children, which you already know. There are other ways around it, terminating the pregnancy is NOT your only option! Your dr can do different things and find your eggs that aren't affected and you can have a normal healthy baby! And if you do have a baby with FXS please don't terminate it.

Mrs.Slick · January 2013

Lexi58:
This is so sad:
On another note about the FXS, I have a 50/50 chance of having the carrier gene so I am getting tested next week and if I do have it there is a 50/50 chance of passing it to my children, which you already know. There are other ways around it, terminating the pregnancy is NOT your only option! Your dr can do different things and find your eggs that aren't affected and you can have a normal healthy baby! And if you do have a baby with FXS please don't terminate it.

While there are obviously other options besides terminating, I don't think she needs or wants people passing judgement on her choices.

Lexi58 · January 2013

Mrs.Slick:
Lexi58:
This is so sad:
On another note about the FXS, I have a 50/50 chance of having the carrier gene so I am getting tested next week and if I do have it there is a 50/50 chance of passing it to my children, which you already know. There are other ways around it, terminating the pregnancy is NOT your only option! Your dr can do different things and find your eggs that aren't affected and you can have a normal healthy baby! And if you do have a baby with FXS please don't terminate it.

While there are obviously other options besides terminating, I don't think she needs or wants people passing judgement on her choices.

In not passing judgement..I'm just stating my opinion, letting her know there are other options. Thanks for your concern though..

Kristinmo · January 2013

No. Nothing you described is normal. I know counseling is expensive but you need it and others gave you excellent options to get it cheaper.

DebateThis · January 2013

Lexi58:
Mrs.Slick:
Lexi58:
This is so sad: On another note about the FXS, I have a 50/50 chance of having the carrier gene so I am getting tested next week and if I do have it there is a 50/50 chance of passing it to my children, which you already know. There are other ways around it, terminating the pregnancy is NOT your only option! Your dr can do different things and find your eggs that aren't affected and you can have a normal healthy baby! And if you do have a baby with FXS please don't terminate it.
While there are obviously other options besides terminating, I don't think she needs or wants people passing judgement on her choices.
In not passing judgement..I'm just stating my opinion, letting her know there are other options. Thanks for your concern though..

Do you think the OP is clueless to her other options? Keep the termination debate out of this and stfu.

OP, I'm just going to ditto everyone else. You and YH have some deep-seated issues that need to be fully addressed before you TTC again (if ever). Frankly I would be just as scared as you in your shoes and I feel that your husband's unwillingness to understand these things is offensive and wrong. Good luck to you.

SnowflakeBride06 · January 2013

I am sorry you are going through this. To the point about the trauma you experienced, I would definetly bring it up with your OB/gyn. In some cases insurance can cover therapy after a traumatic event such as birth trauma.

I do think seeking therapy for both of you would be best.

Mommy2CB · January 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this but I agree that you guys need to work on your intimacy issues before even thinking about TTC #2. Do you have relatives in the area that could watch your DD a few times a month so you and DH could go on some date nights? Getting dressed up nice and having a night out just the 2 of you could really help the situation. Everyone is busy and tired but you have to make time for eachother a priority.

As far as being scared about TTC #2, have you talked with a genetic councelor about the chances of conceiving a child with fragile-x? Also, many of us have had scary births but our desire for more children is usually greater than the fear.. so maybe you really just aren't ready, and more likely, just aren't feeling close to your husband right now...

I would definitely start with bettering your marriage and then go from there. Best of luck with you and again I am so sorry for what you are both going through.

Twinkie0612 · January 2013

Lexi58:
This is so sad: On another note about the FXS, I have a 50/50 chance of having the carrier gene so I am getting tested next week and if I do have it there is a 50/50 chance of passing it to my children, which you already know. There are other ways around it, terminating the pregnancy is NOT your only option! Your dr can do different things and find your eggs that aren't affected and you can have a normal healthy baby! And if you do have a baby with FXS please don't terminate it.

First of all OP said that she would have to have an amnio to find out if there is something wrong, she never said she would terminate and even if she did, it's none of your business.

Second of all if OP's insurance doesn't cover counseling and she can't afford it OOP, do you really think that it will cover IVF with PGD or that OP will be able to pay OOP if they dont? While yes, theoretically IVF with PGD is the best option for people who are carriers of genetic disorders (I am a carrier for CF, thankfully my husband is not. While we were waiting for his screening results, I did a lot of thinking about IVF with PGD), realistically not everyone can afford it.

OP- Work on your marriage first. DH and I hit a rough patch in our marriage and couples counseling really helped us. Definitely look into all of your options for couseling. Once your marriage is fixed, I would talk to a genetic counselor before TTC. Hopefully this will help both you and your husband understand your odds of passing on FXS and together you can decide if and how you will expand your family.

little_bren · January 2013

MandJS:
Kristinmo:
No. Nothing you described is normal. I know counseling is expensive but you need it and others gave you excellent options to get it cheaper.
All of this. Plus, babies are a heck of a lot more expensive than counseling. As PPs mentioned, it does not sound like you have a marriage. It actually sounds like you are in an abusive relationship, if you want to get right down to it. You need to work out your issues with your H BEFORE you even attempt to conceive another child.

All of the above. No one deserves to be treated like that. I am so sorry for everything you're going through. *hugs*

mrsmaverick · January 2013

I agree with pretty much everything that has been said as far as needing to fix your relationship with your husband before even thinking about having another kid. The state of your marriage affects them, too. Another option for counseling might be looking into schools in your area. At the college I work at, we have a counseling center where graduate students see patients under faculty supervision.

scbedi · January 2013

wickedsugar:
If you really want to, there are low cost counseling options out there, but that is not a normal healthy marriage & you both need help, I wouldn't TTC without fixing the issues first & if you can't afford counseling to get your selves & your marriage healthy, then you can't afford another kid.

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Normal to fight about having 2nd child?

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