Trying to prepare

Tbecker18101 · January 2013

I am new here. I am 19wks and 3fays and we just found out Saturday I have an incompetent cervix and I am already 4 cm dilated. I've lost my mucus plug and my bag of water has already started to move down into the vagina. I am not able to have a stitch because my cervix is too soft and my water is bulging so it would be almost impossible for them to do it without rupturing the membrane.
I have to see maternal fetal medicine on Wednesday then they will be scheduling me for induction. I just don't even know how to begin to prepare myself for this. The fact that I can feel this baby and have seen it and knowing that right now in my belly its healthy is devastating.
It's like I am being forced to pick the date that my baby has to die. I don't know what is worse knowing its going to happen and a date will be chosen or it just happening with no warning. I feel like my heart is being ripped out.

silverlining8d · January 2013

Oh honey, I am so sorry you're going through this. I will be praying for you and your family.

OSUWifey09 · January 2013

I am so, so sorry. I wish I had some great words of comfort, but when something like this happens, I can only offer lots of hugs and prayers.

Please be easy on yourself. I know it will be hard, and you will go through a lot of emotions over the coming months and weeks. Lean on people as much as you need to, including this board. They have been such a huge source of comfort for me as I've dealt with my loss; I lost my son at 34 weeks to a placental abruption, and he was born sleeping. So I don't have much advice in terms of preparing, because we had no warning that we would lose him.

Please know that we are here for you in any way that we can be. I'm so sorry to welcome you here, but we are definitely here for you. *hugs*

jess123456 · January 2013

Hugs to you... I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers. We had warning before we lost our daughter but due to a genetic condition that she had and it is so heartbreaking. Please know that we are always here for you and you aren't alone.

lolee465 · January 2013

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Bayberry12 · January 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this. We had no warning when we lost our daughter, it was a complete shock. Either way, it is not something anyone can ever *really* prepare for. Making decisions you never thought you would have to make is extremely hard. Please know all the women on this board are here for you.

tuscanbride2007 · January 2013

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

((HUGS))

hhudson92 · January 2013

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. When my membranes ruptured on one of my babies, we had to make the decision to induce after a week. We had so much hope that it wouldn't have to come down to that. Hands down the hardest thing we had to do. The women on this board are great, I hope you find the support you are looking for. ((hugs))

AMothersLove92712 · January 2013

I am so sorry honey. It is agonizing, you feel like you can't breath, like someone is standing on your throat. I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain. I do want to encourage you to go back through and read some old posts from other mom's who found out ahead of time and asked what they should consider or do to prepare. Losing my Lillian happened so suddenly that I didn't get to think about things and I do have some regrets. I wish I had done more things with her while I still physically had her in my room. Sometimes I wish I had her cremated instead of buried b.c i get jealous of the other moms on here that hold their babies sometimes. It's all jsut personal preference and you do what feels right at the time, but it's also nice to ou that you do actually have options.

jess123456 · January 2013

Bayberry12:
Either way, it is not something anyone can ever *really* prepare for. Making decisions you never thought you would have to make is extremely hard. Please know all the women on this board are here for you.

I echo this completely. Even though we had warning with our daughter's terminal diagnosis there is nothing that we could do to prepare for the loss. I can say that coming to this board and listening and talking with these amazing women who have walked in my shoes even though our stories are all different has brought me so much comfort during those incredibly raw first days and now about 5 months later. I think the one thing that you can be prepared for is that we will ALWAYS be here for you when it feels like your world is crashing down and no one else understands. I wish I could hug you in person.

Bayberry12 · January 2013

AMothersLove92712:
I do want to encourage you to go back through and read some old posts from other mom's who found out ahead of time and asked what they should consider or do to prepare. Losing my Lillian happened so suddenly that I didn't get to think about things and I do have some regrets. I wish I had done more things with her while I still physically had her in my room. Sometimes I wish I had her cremated instead of buried b.c i get jealous of the other moms on here that hold their babies sometimes. It's all jsut personal preference and you do what feels right at the time, but it's also nice to ou that you do actually have options.

I agree with all of this. I have a lot of regrets too. I hope you can take some time to try to process what is happening, and are able to do the things you want to.

jebretz · January 2013

There is not way to prepare you emotions. It's gonna suck big time. What I wish I would have had time to prepare for though we're the decisions. I'm sorry if this is to blunt, I'm just a practical person.... Start thinking about what you want for funeral, how long you want the baby with you, what type of pictures and what kind of items or clothes. There is a group of photographers called 'now I lay me down to sleep' that come and do a photo shoot for free. I would have loved someone to take the photos and then have the option to see them or not. I said no to having my picture with them because I thought I looked like hell and would only see the grief when I looked at them, but I regret that I have no pictures with my babies, not even my hands on then or anything. I know yours will be tiny, like mine were but if you can find or make something for the baby it might be nice to bathe and dress them.
Again, nothing can prepare you for the hurt or losing a child, but once you come through the cloud of numbness you want as many tangible memories as possible. Thoughts and hugs to you, I am so sorry.

Noethola · January 2013

I am so very sorry you are having to go through this. While there is nothing that can prepare you emotionally for the loss of your baby, here are a few things we did and wish we would have done. We did not know she would be stillborn until the day before we delivered her and they were unable to find her heartbeat. I am so sorry if this brings you pain to think about, but as we were delivering Elsie, we recieved an email from a family who had lost their daughter, and the things they suggested were wonderful to us. While our baby was not born breathing, yours may be. Cherish every moment they are breathing and hold them as they breathe their last.

- Hold them if you are able to. There are some mothers who cannot bear it at the time, but regret that they never got the chance. I dont know of any that held their baby and regreted that decision. You can hold them for as long as you wish to.

- Take pictures. Make sure all cameras are recharged and ready to go with lots of film or room on your SD cards. Take as many as you can, even if you dont think you will look at them. You may want to some day. You can also contact Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and see if there is a photographer in your area to take pictures of you and the baby.

- Try to smile in at least one picture. We only have one family picture where we are smiling, because we faked it. But I now cherish that as the only family pic we have where we look happy to have her. The rest we look like crap.

- Get footprints and handprints. At least get the imprints on a card. If you are able, do a plaster cast of both.

- Get a special tiny outfit to put them in, complete with a little hat. Or even buy two exact matches. One you can bury/cremate the baby in (I am so very sorry for you to have to think about this) and one you can keep in a special memory box.

- Get a special stuffed animal and take pictures of it with your baby. We sleep with the bear next to our bed. When we need something to hold, we get the bear.

I am so very sorry you are going through this. I hope these things can help if you need to use them, but I pray that they find some way to help you save your sweet baby.

bunnybun4 · January 2013

so sorry for your loss...my loss was at 19 days and we had a little less than a week's preparation for the inevitable. It was very, very hard.

One thing my DH and I did was run through a bunch of what if's of how we would handle certain situations. I had a D&E, not a delivery so my situation was somewhat different than yours. We ran through how we felt about seeing her, we ran through how we felt about naming her, we ran through how we felt about having a service for her, etc. We just basically went ahead and made decisions so if we were forced to make them when we lost her we would both be on the same page. This helped. As painful as it was, it was also healing for me to rub my belly and let my baby know how much I loved her in the few days leading up to our loss. I guess it was my way to get to say goodbye.

I know how you are feeling and how life has just suddenly stopped and I am so so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to heal and grieve and slowly the healing will come. There are lots of wonderful women on this site who will help you through.

HUGS!

cherrycobbler · January 2013

I'm so sorry you are going through this, no one should ever have to make these decisions. I will echo a few of the others and say that I do have some regrets, mostly things that I wish that I had thought of before it was too late. The Loss Blog that is linked at the top of the board (and my sig) has some (maybe) helpful information for you, especially the "What to Expect" section which has some things you can do with the time that you have left with your little one. I do hope you are able to have a peaceful birth and I wish you and your family comfort in this difficult time.

HullGut · January 2013

I'm so sorry your going through this, I can't imagine your pain. I had no idea my on was going to pass away. There was an accident during labor. I do wish I spent more time with him after he passed. I wish I took him out of his blankets and held his skin close to me. I wish I took more pictures. Take as much time as you need to really be with your baby.

This is going to be very hard. There is a lot of information online as to what you cn or should do when your baby does.

I will be praying for you, I'm so sorry.

thecuddleeffect · January 2013

I am so very sorry, there is absolutely nothingnyouncan do to prepare your self for such agonizing heartbreak. I too lost my babies a little over 19weeks due to incompetent cervix. I do agree with PPs, take pictures, hold your babies, bring things for them. I did none of these things because I couldn't emotionally handle it and I do regret it every day. I really really wish I got their handprints, the hospital only does footprints, I would have liked that momento too.

When/if you are ready and would like to talk about anything you went through or anything moving forward please feel free to PM me, since unfortunately I can relate to some extent. Huge hugs to you<3

Williamandshawnna · January 2013

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I really do not have anything new to add, I agree with the previous posters. I have many things I did not do that I regret every single day.

I wish you peace and comfort, please be gentle with yourself. This is a very long road. Know the women on this board are amazing and full of knowledge and support.

HUGS

-Shawnna

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