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Littlejen

TasheystarTasheystar
in Blended Families
I've been thinking about a comment you made a while ago, probably months ago now... I value your opinion, so I was wondering if you and the others would care to give me your thoughts.

It's in regards to adoption. In another post, you mentioned that adopted children should be told earlier rather than later. That was your comment in a nutshell.

My DS was adopted by DH two years ago now. We recently had a talk about how he "didn't have a daddy before I got married", and how DH chose him to be his son. I can't remember if I used the word adopted or not... BF wanted nothing to do with me as soon as he found out I was pregnant, but I can't really say that to a child... Any suggestions about what more to say, or should I leave it at that for now?

TIA
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Re: Littlejen

  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    I would probably leave it like that. I would work it into conversation like if you talk about when he was a baby before DH was his Dad or when you all met DH, etc. and do not be scared of the word adoption, there are a lot of people that hush the word and that can bring shame, instead I see it as a choice of love. I was adopted as an infant so it is slightly different. You basically said what is most important to me my parents chose me, I never grew up feeling unwanted. I always felt more loved and wanted because my parents meaning my Mom because Dad never talked feelings always talked about how they wanted me and waited so long to get me and how she believes everthing happens for a reason and if they bought a different house their timing would be different and they would not have had me corny. It was not until I was an adult and met my BFF who is also adopted that I even thought about how I was unwanted by someone, you can have an unwanted pregnancy but never an unwanted adoption.

    I think it would also help to have this conversation with you DH about how he can handle it, he can add in little comments occasionally, certainly not often about how he is so lucky he gets to be DS' father and adopting him was the happiest day, etc.

    Oh, and do not make the topic of his birth father taboo for you or him, it is a part of his history and it is ok to explain that adoption means someone rlse created you but that his father choice to be his Dad. And that you have some info on his birth father but do not know everything about him where he is, why he left, whatever the facts are. If you are truthful but focus on your love and your husband's love for him then he should be fine IMHO.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • TasheystarTasheystar
    Wow. That was a good response. I wasn't expecting it to be so long. Thank you for taking the time to answer so thoroughly. I'll have to practice a bit more because sometimes the questions come out of nowhere, and I'm not as prepared as I'd like to be.

    I have some pictures of BF. I keep them in case DS wants to see them someday. I'm not too sure how easy it would be for DS to find him when he's older, if he wants to that is. He kinda has a John Doe type name.

    That last paragraph is kind of a tangent. I guess I'm thinking out loud.
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    We're you married? Do you know an old address or middle name? If you went to court is there any way you have his SSN? Any of those thing would probably make it easier than you think for a PI to find him assuming he has bills in his name.

    And I do not remember how old your son is, I do not know if there are any books out there that can help, maybe a regular adoption book?

    And I swear my grammar is much better on my computer than on my phone!
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • TasheystarTasheystar
    imageLittlejen22:
    We're you married? Do you know an old address or middle name? If you went to court is there any way you have his SSN? Any of those thing would probably make it easier than you think for a PI to find him assuming he has bills in his name.

    And I do not remember how old your son is, I do not know if there are any books out there that can help, maybe a regular adoption book?

    And I swear my grammar is much better on my computer than on my phone!


    No, never married. It's rather embarrassing, but we weren't even seriously dating. I wasn't a teen mom. I later went back, but at the time I was finished university and had a good full time job... but I definitely didn't plan on getting pregnant. I have no regrets though. ODS is almost 6 now. He's great.

    I never thought BF's SSN would be on the documents. I'll have to take a look and see. As of now, I have an email address from 2 years ago, and I know what he took in college, and where he used to work. I remember where he used to live... I don't know the street name, but I could easily find it via google. I don't remember details like the apt number. It was 7 years ago, and I really only knew him for a short time.
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