So, I showed M his first mom's picture this week

Or, at least I think I did....

Lately, our therapy seasons have been kind of wasted, for a lot of reasons (difficult to get into heavy issues with two boys at completely different stages, things seeming okay on the surface, scheduling conflicts leaving us to only meeting twice a month, etc.), but my husband and I know how beneficial these seasons have been in the past and don't want to waste them. So we reworked our schedule to get there each week and will try to alternate which kid we bring or something, if that's what it takes to get something of quality out of the time we spend there.

So, this week, my husband had a doctor's appointment and couldn't come, but I went in with issues we should address for each boy and we split the time.  For M, we discussed the guilt he felt over Christmas. The thing is, he felt bad, because relatively, things are pretty awesome, and his first mother, in his mind, never had a good Christmas or received a gift. It was a hard conversation, and I felt bad, because many of our recent sessions have been softies, and I'm sure the boys expected that this would be, too, since they've both been behaving so well (many of our sessions are led by trying to figure out what was bothering them to make them act out or how to help them better respond to difficult situations).  So I'm sure he felt blindsided, but I tried to explain why I thought it was important to talk about.

The next day, he was completely off.  He was sad, crying "for no reason," had difficulty getting through his homework, etc. I knew in the morning that it would be a tough day for him (based on over scheduling more than anything else), so I rescheduled his tutoring for the day. Instead of him cheering up, he still had a hard time. When I got home and found out, we talked about it, and of course, it was about his first mom.

I made sure he understood he could always talk to me and my husband  about this stuff, and that I would never be hurt by it (small white lie; I might be hurt, but I will always understand). I reminded him that we love her, too, and told him how sorry I am that we can't know or do more. I told him I understood he's hurting, and asked him if he's worried he won't remember her.  He said he was. I told him I thought there was a photo of her in our paperwork, and he said that he'd like a copy.

so I pulled it up...and he didn't recognize her. At least, he said that it didn't look like her and didn't remind him of her at all.  I blew it way up, and tried to tell him I saw resemblances, but he continued to deny any cognition. He visibly deflated when I pulled it up. I couldn't stop apologizing to him for getting his hopes up and not have a picture for him.

It wasn't until I told mu husband about all tis that I started to wonder if he really did recognize her but was denying her for some reason. Maybe she looked to sad (it's a government ID, without a smile) or too hard/old/weak/etc. for him to identify with, or maybe he saw it and didn't like it and the thought of having that framed in his room scared him (he could be angry, for all I know), or maybe he thought it would hurt us, or it brought back bad memories and seeing it once was enough....I don't know, but it was awful.

I had been so excited to give him this visual reminder, to have a picture to share and to have, and he flat out refused it and denied it several times. He seemed deflated, which made me believe him (at least that he didn't recognize her), but then who knows.... I felt like I had been kicked in the gut, and I couldn't imagine what he felt, and I couldn't stop apologizing (he just told me it was okay and wasn't my fault; that just made me feel as if I was letting him act the parent to me), it was awful, and I still don't know what the truth is and keep wondering if I should try again another day in the distant future. My husband even made an awful comment wondering what would happen if we find her and it's not his mother after all...but I refuse to give  that any consideration at this point.

so, yeah, it sucked, and didn't goat all how I had imagined. I would have posted earlier, but things had gotten heated/weird/strange here and it wasn't urgent. I knew I'd share when things returned a bit to normal. I guess this is just one more hill on the adoption roller coaster. Thank goodness the craziness could never come close to the love and amazingness those boys bring me on the daily! I just wish I could cure/take away all the hurts and pain!