Book recommendations for family/friends

Bayberry12 · January 2013

This might be a weird request, but a really close family member is judging my grief and wanting me to "get over" Stella's death and have another baby (I tried that, and it didn't work out) and basically be back to normal.

I had suggested this person attend a therapy session with us so maybe she could get a better understanding of what we are going through. DH didn't think she would want to do that. This rift is causing a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

So, I am wondering if anyone had any recommendations of books that might be good to give a family member. I also though of sending her some essays from Still Standing, but wasn't sure if she would even want to read them, I was afraid she would say I was holding on my sadness.

She also has two young girls which makes things uncomfortable for me. It's seems so complicated, she says we are hurting her family and missing out on their lives by not being there for every little occasion, but she has never once come to see us or ask to visit. It seems like its all about her, and I don't know how to handle this respectfully anymore.

jess123456 · January 2013

Hugs to you. I don't have any book recommendations but wanted to say how sorry I am that this person can't be supportive or empathetic towards you. There is no way for anyone to completely understand unless they have walked in your shoes but regardless I am angry that she hasn't been there for you and thinks you can just move on. You are a better person than I am for sure for attempting to keep her involved. It saddens me that she thinks that you are hurting her family or missing out on their lives but hasn't realized how that might be too difficult for you.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · January 2013

jess123456:
Hugs to you. I don't have any book recommendations but wanted to say how sorry I am that this person can't be supportive or empathetic towards you. There is no way for anyone to completely understand unless they have walked in your shoes but regardless I am angry that she hasn't been there for you and thinks you can just move on. You are a better person than I am for sure for attempting to keep her involved. It saddens me that she thinks that you are hurting her family or missing out on their lives but hasn't realized how that might be too difficult for you.

all of this. I think it's horrible the things she has said to you. You're a far better person than I am for wanting to help her. If anyone did anything like this to me they would be out of my life. I don't care who they are in relation to me or DH. {{HUGS}}

Bayberry12 · January 2013

jess123456:
There is no way for anyone to completely understand unless they have walked in your shoes but regardless I am angry that she hasn't been there for you and thinks you can just move on.

Thanks Jess, You are right, there is no way for anyone to completely understand what this is like unless they have been here too.

Bayberry12 · January 2013

fluttergirlmoonchild79:
jess123456:
Hugs to you. I don't have any book recommendations but wanted to say how sorry I am that this person can't be supportive or empathetic towards you. There is no way for anyone to completely understand unless they have walked in your shoes but regardless I am angry that she hasn't been there for you and thinks you can just move on. You are a better person than I am for sure for attempting to keep her involved. It saddens me that she thinks that you are hurting her family or missing out on their lives but hasn't realized how that might be too difficult for you.
all of this. I think it's horrible the things she has said to you. You're a far better person than I am for wanting to help her. If anyone did anything like this to me they would be out of my life. I don't care who they are in relation to me or DH. {{HUGS}}

Both DH and I have gone back and forth between saying "forget her, and her selfishness" to "we have to try to get together sometime". I just don't want to be the one to really put myself out there and make an effort, when she never came to here to be with us when it was so new and really bad. She is DH's sister!

I just wish she was more empathic.

jess123456 · January 2013

I wish she was more empathetic too but I don't think it's your job to teach her that. With that said, you and your DH need to do what's best for you guys. If her friendship is important to you then maybe have a sit down conversation with her. You can't expect her to understand but perhaps there are just some misunderstandings. The last thing you need to feel is guilt about her. You certainly have enough on your plate without feeling guilty.

I have been putting guilt on myself for not asking my best friend about her kids and I was open and honest with her and said that it's not personal it's just what I need to do right now. I still love her kids but emotionally I can't handle talking about them etc. While she doesn't fully understand what it's like to be in my shoes, she does understand where my heart is and that's all I can ask her to understand.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · January 2013

jess123456:
I wish she was more empathetic too but I don't think it's your job to teach her that. With that said, you and your DH need to do what's best for you guys. If her friendship is important to you then maybe have a sit down conversation with her. You can't expect her to understand but perhaps there are just some misunderstandings. The last thing you need to feel is guilt about her. You certainly have enough on your plate without feeling guilty.
I have been putting guilt on myself for not asking my best friend about her kids and I was open and honest with her and said that it's not personal it's just what I need to do right now. I still love her kids but emotionally I can't handle talking about them etc. While she doesn't fully understand what it's like to be in my shoes, she does understand where my heart is and that's all I can ask her to understand.

Exactly. You and DH need to do what's best for you guys right now. And if that means not being around her or being at every last one of her kid's functions (I have 6,5 and 4 year old nephews and niece and they have something like every other day) then don't. If she can't even understand enough to realize why it might be even the slightest bit painful for you both right now then she won't understand the bigger picture. I'm so sorry she's being like this.

tuscanbride2007 · January 2013

Ugh. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I don't understand why people feel the need to tell other people how they should feel. I have no recommendations for a book, but I wanted to echo all the other responses. You need to do what is best for you and DH. She has no idea what it is like for you to be around her girls. It's unfortunate that some people need to experience tragedy before they can be empathetic.

((HUGS))

AMothersLove92712 · January 2013

Ugh, everyone already said how I feel about her. May she NEVER have to come close to feeling what we feel!

As for books, Children's Hospital gave us one called Tear Soup and we really loved it. It seems like a children's book, but maybe that's good for her tiny mind to grasp, but it really speaks to people greiving differently at differrent times and paces and how it comes back again. I would recommend this book to ALL of us, and for those who have children.

Bayberry12 · January 2013

AMothersLove92712:
Ugh, everyone already said how I feel about her. May she NEVER have to come close to feeling what we feel!

As for books, Children's Hospital gave us one called Tear Soup and we really loved it. It seems like a children's book, but maybe that's good for her tiny mind to grasp, but it really speaks to people greiving differently at differrent times and paces and how it comes back again. I would recommend this book to ALL of us, and for those who have children.

Haha Thanks! I will definitely look into this book!

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