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Somewhere in between mom and dad

2Moms2Babies2Moms2Babies member
in LGBT Parenting

Hi,

I've been reading this board since we found out we were expecting our twins. I'm kinda bummed I didn't know about it when we were TTC for a year and a half, because I know it would have been helpful to have the support. My wife is active on another board through our SB, but I was hoping to find my own group with hopefully some other NB parents.

I could not be more excited about finally becoming a parent. I am 38 and without question have always wanted children. Now that this dream has become a reality and I see them growing in K, I'm starting to try to figure out some answers to questions I had previously only considered in the abstract. The most prevalent of those is if I will be a "mom". To be clear this has nothing to do with my feeling connected to the babies or my role as parent (these are not at all a question) and everything to do with my gender expression. 

I am a female but my gender expression is masculine. My wife is very feminine and while we don't feel comfortable with these types of labels, if we had to describe our family to people who don't know us, I would say we would most closely resemble a butch/femme. But to qualify, I like to think I embody the more positive masculine traits and not the aggressive machoism and insensitivity.

So as of now, when I think about being a "mom" or others refer to me as becoming a "mom", I'm finding that I'm not completely comfortable with it. I'm not adamantly against or offended by it; it just doesn't feel right. When I think of being a "dad", it definitely feels more comfortable, but I don't think I want to deal with the inherent questions and explanations that would be necessary, both to family and community. I'm searching for something in between.

Can anyone else on here relate? 

Me(38) Married K(29), the love of my life, on 1/23/2011. 6 unmedicated IUIs = 6 BFNs. 3 medicated/monitored IUIs = 3 BFNs. First round of IVF = BFP! K is carrying Twin Boys - due in July. Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Pregnancy tickers
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Re: Somewhere in between mom and dad

  • 2Moms2Babies2Moms2Babies member
    And yes, I do see the irony of my screen name :) but I made it when I didn't realize there was an LGBT board.
    Me(38) Married K(29), the love of my life, on 1/23/2011. 6 unmedicated IUIs = 6 BFNs. 3 medicated/monitored IUIs = 3 BFNs. First round of IVF = BFP! K is carrying Twin Boys - due in July. Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • doodah1013doodah1013 member

    Hello! 

    My wife and I are currently TTC, and had our first IUI on Tuesday.  I don't identify as m or f.  I would say I mostly identify as gender queer... and most days, because that takes so long to explain to people I just identify as simply me. 

    We decided early on (and I am not sure how it happened) that I would be a Doodah.  We have two small dogs and we alway joke that they have a Mom and Doodah.... and it just seemed to stick.  This term has come to embody what I think of myself... Not a Mom or a Dad... but something in between that only me and my wife are able to define!

    Good to hear that someone else relates to this often looked over issue!

    Baby Hayden Frances born 12/20/14 at 11:11 a.m...  Our perfect little miracle.  Here's how we got here:

    My lovely wife:

    5 IUI's January 2013-June 2013- 3 Cycles with Clomid- BFN

     

    Myself: Genderqueer guy who hopped in the driver's seat of the baby making train

    IUI #6- 7/23- Monitored and Trigger on Day 12, with one 16mm follicle and one 18mm follicle- BFN

    IUI #7- 8/21- Not monitored, 50mg Clomid- BFN

    September and October: Missed Cycles due to vacation and a Half Marathon

    IUI #8- Monitored and triggered on day 15, with one 23x18mm follicle- BFN on 11/19/2013

    December:  Moved onto to see an RE to make a good plan.

    IUI #9- 1/1/2014 Natural Cycle, BFP on 1/15/2014,  6W Ultra-Sound Reveals nothing in Gestation Sack... Natural M/C at 7W, 2/3/2014

    IUI #10 3/21/2014- Natural Cycle- BFP on 4/1/2014 (please don't be an April Fools.  Beta #1 13dpiui- 48, Beta #2 16dpiui- 416, Beta #3 1018...

    1st Ultrasound- 4/22/2014- 6w4d HB- 134!

    Check out my Blog at: http://pregnantboithinksoutloud.blogspot.com/ 

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  • viciouskittieviciouskittie

    Welcome! Congrats to you and your wife on your twins, how exciting for you! There are some regulars around here with twins too.

    The great thing about living under the rainbow is that you are really free to play with names. If you like Dad, then use it! Or you can use Mom or Dad in another language - I'll list a few you might like at the bottom but you can do a Google search. Just know that you are definitely not alone and language can be a tricky thing for everyone. Even my wife and I - both pretty femme-y - sometimes have a hard time with what we'll use.

    Mom:
    Daya - Kurdish
    Ahm - Arabic
    Ema - Estonian

    Dad:
    Ama - Filipino
    Babbas - Greek
    Tad - Welsh

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  • jenheartsmonstersjenheartsmonsters

    We're thinking "papama" might work for my partner, whose gender presentation & identity aren't totally compatible with "mom." Making up a work can be liberating. :)

     

     

    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • 2Moms2Babies2Moms2Babies member

    Thanks to everyone for these suggestions. Choosing a completely different name is probably the way I will go.

    B 

    Me(38) Married K(29), the love of my life, on 1/23/2011. 6 unmedicated IUIs = 6 BFNs. 3 medicated/monitored IUIs = 3 BFNs. First round of IVF = BFP! K is carrying Twin Boys - due in July. Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • trisholiotrisholio member
    First I want to say thank you for sharing your story and views with all of us.  My wife and I are typical butch/fem also.  She is the "masculine/butch" one and would prefer to identify as male, but hasn't completely come out to all of our friends as trans.  Its a process and one we don't want to totally tackle at this point in our lives.  She has always viewed herself as the "daddy" role and has no desire to carry a child, but be the support partner.  We are currently TTC and have talked about what our future children will call her.  We haven't settled on any name just yet and this discussion has opened my eyes to look at different options.  So thank you for bringing up the subject and offering some wonderful advice.  
    T & G My wife and I married 9/10/11 in Niagara Falls, NY
    HSG 12/12/12        
    #1 ICI 12/15/12              BFN on 12/29/12
    #2 ICI  1/11/13                BFN 1/28/13                       
    #3 ICI 2/11/13                 BFN
                   
    #4 ICI August 2013,  Clomid 100mg    BFN on 8/30/13 
    #5 ICI September-Clomid 100,  mg ICI 8/15 and 8/16,  BFN on 9/3
    #6 ICI October-Clomid 150 mg for 5 days   BFN 10/27
    uterine laparoscopy on 11/14-no endo or cysts
    #7 IUI December-Clomid 150mg    BFP 12/21
    12/23 Beta 51     12/26 Beta 209!
    First ultrasound on January 8th 2014-great healthy heartbeat
    Second Ultrasound January 23 (8 weeks) we got to see and hear the heartbeat
    Third Ultrasound Feb 4th(10 weeks), then will  released to OBGYN'
    It's a GIRL!
    We welcomed Adalyn Cooper Elizabeth on 8/29/14
    She was 7lbs 11oz and 19.6 inches long

    Proud foster parents to two little girls ages 2.5 yrs old, M,  and 1 year old, K



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  • mypalbabsmypalbabs member

    Hey there.

    My partner and I are a traditional butch & femme couple, with me being the femme component of the pair.  However, for a variety of reasons, she is the one carrying the baby (due in April, woo hoo!)

    So this is all a bit of a mind twist, but in a good way.  So she's the gestating parent, but I will be mama and she will be papi.  When the baby comes, I will leave my job to be a SAHM and she will return to work after her maternity leave to be "the provider".  We're both super excited that we can make this all work for our family.

    Probably her biggest struggle has been finding butch maternity clothes.  Seriously - it's hard!  She's not quite big enough for the tent-sized button down Oxford shirts we got from Land's End, but she's outgrowing the polo shirts.  What's a butch to do?

    The word you're looking for is SEX.  I promise.  No, it's not gender.  It's sex.  You're welcome.
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  • hlkehlke member

    I hope madisonpeas see this.  I think she goes by "baba" if I'm remembering correctly.

    I'm not sure why they picked it, but I can say I think it's more gender neutral and also means "dad" in Swahili.  

    Same sex couple TTC with donor sperm.  I am 35 and carrying.  Endometriosis and DOR.
    AMH 0.5, AFC 5-8, FSH 7ish

    IVF #1 - antagonist.  Empty follicle syndrome.  1 retrieved, 0 fertilized.
    IVF #2 - antagonist.  Ovulated early.  3 retrieved, 2 fertilized, 0 blasts
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