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Baby Showers
Dont go Crazy!
I am a first time Mom To Be. I'll be forty years old when my son is born....so I am not a kid. Unfortunately, a baby shower seems inevitable because our families have been waiting for a new baby for a while now. How do I let family and friends know....politely.....that we do not want to surround our child with "stuff"? I do not believe in overstimulating a baby. I do not want to raise a materialistic child. We want books, simple toys, cloth diapers.....but certain family members have already talked about spoiling the child....buying the latest and greatest of un-necessary items for us despite seeing our simplistic baby registry.
Fortunately, my sister is planning the shower and she understands my feelings. Any ideas on how to theme the party or make it clear that "excess" is not the theme?
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Re: Dont go Crazy!
If you want books, simple toys and cloth diapers-- I would register for exactly that. I would not mention anything about the things you don't want.
Graciously accept anything else and return, exchange or donate whatever you do not want.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Exactly this. If they want to go crazy, that's their perogative. Just be grateful, and if you don't want the "stuff", then donate it. There are a lot of women out there who would be grateful to receive it.
I am 40 years old and expecting my 1st baby also. I am learning that people are going to buy what they want to buy - especially when it comes to babies. I made it a point at a holiday party to show people my closet and how much stuff I have gotten from generous folks at work who no longer needed the items (clothes, sheets, towels, bibs, hats, etc). I was hoping that would stop (or slow down) the gifts that involved clothing. Didnt work.
Just be gracious and thank them. You can exchange them or donate them - thats what I will likely do.
The spoiling thing seems to be grandparent's perogative. I gave up with it because I figure the baby will be with me most of the time anyway. Just pick your battles. Good luck!
Ditto everyone else. To add - your child isn't going to become materialistic over what you get at your shower. Save your energy on this issue for birthday parties when your child is older and can really comprehend what toys he/she is getting.
And to a degree - you're going to have to let go some control. My stepmother is the big gift giver. She gets DS a new toy almost every week. It's insane. She does try to curb it, but she just loves to buy him stuff.
I balance that out by not buying him a lot of stuff ourselves. We go to Target? He isn't going to get a toy when he's w/ us. He's learned that Grammie will buy him stuff, but we don't. He does "get it" to that degree.
I wish she would curb it, but I also just see HOW MUCH she loves to do this for him and I decided awhile ago that this is a battle I'm not going to fight.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This!
This. My SIL is the same way and her shower went off fine, most people don't buy toys and stuff for newborns. It was after my nephew was born that was the problem. Her and my mom got in a HUGE fight because she has a "no random stuff" policy. Isaac can get books, and educational toys at Christmas or birthday but she doesn't him to associate grandma with toys. My mom would get him something every time she saw him if SIL would let her.
I think it's going to be a bumpy road but your minimalistic perspective is doable.
The others have covered it. You do sound like a control freak, so I would just register for what you really want. People like me like to shop solely off of registries.
Of course people want to spoil your baby. Relish in it. 2 years in, I have barely had to buy my kid anything.
I simply keep 50% of his toys put away and the other 50% out for play. I rotate as needed. I hardly think what you will get at a shower and through the first years will make your child materialistic. Rather, I think he will learn from his parents what is meaningful in life.
I'm right there with ya, OP. We just want the basic necessities (cloth diapers, basic onesies instead of crazy three-piece newborn suits, not a lot of excess stuff) and I've tried making that clear to our parents, friends, etc., in hopes that they'll spread the word. We did get several outfits at our first little shower (just MIL's family, about 8 couples) but no one went overboard. I think the best thing to do is just try to convince granparents to tell people "they don't want to be one of those families with playrooms stuffed to the ceiling with stuffed animals that the kids never play with because they can't find anything."
(This helps especially if you have siblings who have this situation in their own house. Grandparents see what it's like and admire the idea that you want to work to prevent this.)
This. Also ditto what other PPs said about not getting toys at the baby shower. We got a baby gym, some rattles, etc. All small and necessary when baby gets a bit bigger
People are excited about this child and many show their love with gift giving like a PP mentioned. I think it's really control freak to try to dictate what people would be getting you by saying "we want to be simple with our child" Yes, those are your wishes but these are also gifts.
What you and your child receive at a shower will not dictate their behavior later in life. Your child will only be materialistic if YOU raise them that way, teaching them to be thankful for what they have and maybe donate an old toy every time they get a new one will curb that.
Great idea on the donating old toys as new ones arrive.
The idea that baby shower gifts could make your child more materialistic is... Crazy, actually. Not logical, at the very least.
Baby will never know what you got for shower gifts. If you think the cashmere baby blankets you get are silly, then say thank you, and sell them on eBay. Put the money aside for baby, or donate it to charity in baby's name, or use it to buy what you need.
Your friends are not stupid. They know you. They likely know you prefer simplicity, and they will buy accordingly. For the few MIL-friends or other unknowns who show up bearing sterling silver baby cups, well, you'll have to grin and bear it too. Your baby isn't going to turn into Scrooge because you have generous friends.
This. As a 25 year old FTM, I don't want a ton of materialistic stuff either. We live in a tiny 1 bedroom condo, and both DH and I like to live quite minimalistically. That being said, I had my shower a couple of weeks ago and got mostly clothes, blankets, baby care products and some other stuff off of our registry. Like PP have mentioned, most people don't buy toys for newborns. Ultimately, all that you can do is register for what you want, and return/donate the things you recieve that you don't want. Oh and in future posts try to avoid associating age with any particular ideologies/beliefs/viewpoints (I know plenty of older first time moms who have houses plastered in all things fisher-price).
I'm curious about the same thing. I'm 39 - I don't see how age has anything at all to do with materialism.
Argh... This causes me all sorts of anxiety! DH and I live in a townhome and have been very vocal with family members about how much de-cluttering we have done lately. As a result, this past Christmas, we received very little "stuff" .. And the things that we did get were all very practical items. It was such a relief!
30 y/o FTM here and I'm also concerned about receiving too much baby "stuff" that is not really necessary. Again though, because we have been so vocal about being short on space, I don't expect that we will receive too much that we won't use. Plus we registered for new OR used stuff (encorebabyregistry.com) - and only for the basics - which helps get the point across.
(I was especially thrilled when my mom indicated that she will be more likely to gift our LO cash for her RESP along with a token gift, vs. excessive and fancy brand name toys that are likely to clutter up our home. Love!!!)
Anything that you DO get and have no use for (assuming you can't return it or exchange it in store), find a spot for it in storage and either sell it (yard sale, Craigslist, mom to mom sale, or consign it) or donate it to a good cause. You could even save some stuff to regift if you know of friends or family members who are also having a baby soon.
I agree with MandJS and Helenahhandbasket. Drop the hint by registering only for the items you want, and letting your sister spread the wishes by word of mouth if/when people ask. It is also perfectly fine for you to say so if people ask you directly, "What would you like?" Like PP hve said, avoid mentioning what you don't want on the invitation.
Also, even if you get items you do not want, it's not the end of the world. You can always return, exchange, or donate them.
This. I'm a FTM too, but my niece is given so much by my mother it's ridiculous. This kid, however at age three is the most polite, appreciate one I've ever seen. She's been taught to say thank you and we purge a lot of her things. Even though she has every kind of you, her favorite thing to play with is a broken tail from a toy fish she had. She calls it her mermaid tail and will go search for it as soon as she gets home. She has a weird obsession with mermaids right now, lol. My point is...kids don't become materialistic over just getting things, its how they are raised to view it. My nephew is 6 and each Christmas he helps go through his selection and we donate a bunch to make room for his new things. Sometimes he picks his very favorite things because he wants another little boy to have it more.
No, I do not equate younger moms with materialism. I equate MY age with MY personal experiences and personal preferences. Also, my mentioning of my age has more to do with constantly defending or qualifying myself during this pregnancy......Too many people giving me advice like I've never even heard of a baby before, or questioning my decisions because this is my first. I am 39 years old..... I've known many mom's in my life....I've seen the good and the bad, and I have developed my own ideas because of it.
As far as the materialism thing is concerned, I have worked retail for 21 years.....I see spoiled children and miserable mom's every day, and every day I see those same mom's or grandma's buy those spoiled children more stuff because that is the cycle they have trapped themselves in. I will not begin that cycle with my child, and I do not want others to begin that cycle with my child. I understand that I can not fully control what my family does and I will be gracious and grateful for the gifts my family give, even if I think it is too much. I was raised to be a polite person. My question is this.....at what point should those people also be polite and respect my wishes?
To those of you who chose to refer to me as a Control Freak.... I'd rather be considered that than be a woman who bends to everyone elses wishes.