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1 miscarriage at 34yo and ready to try again... hubby is not

1stPuppyLove1stPuppyLove member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Sorry - going to be  long one.

I have been with my hubby for over 13 years, married over 5 years ago.  We have a very loving, fun relationship.  We have always talked about kids "someday" and adore our nieces and nephews. I turned 35 in October, he just turned 37 in January.  For the past 3 years we have been seriously considering it, but we just haven't been ready. Well, in 2012 in July we got a little surprise - positive pregnancy test!  We were shocked and scared, but super excited!

Then 1 month later, at my first ultrasound they found that no baby developed - empty sac.  I tried not to take it to hard, knowing at least I was fertile and we'd try again in a few months or so.  But then the Dr. also thought she saw a cyst.  Another month later it was confirmed that I had an ovarian cyst, measuring 6cm in diameter which even though benign, caused concern for my health in case it were to twist my ovary or grow larger.  My Dr. recommended I get it removed, especially before trying to conceive again.  Due to health insurance deductibles etc, I opted to have the surgery once 2013 rolled in.  I had a very successful surgery on January 3rd, 100% of my ovary in tact and my reproductive organs look great.

I was very depressed from Aug-Dec of 2012, and didn't always feel like being intimate.  Now I am 3 weeks post-op (and almost 6 months post-miscarriage) and feeling like new!  More energy, more sex drive, and ready to start trying for a baby.  Something "flipped a switch" in my brain when I thought we were going to be parents this year, and that is all I can think about - to be a mom in 2013.  

I know how to watch the signs of my fertility, and also know that I only have 3 chances at the beginning of this year to conceive/deliver before year's end.  When I started talking to my hubby about it this week, he got really quiet.  He said that he isn't ready, and doesn't really know if he wants kids!!!  WTF!?  So many things are going through my head right now.... we have been in love for 13+ years, we are getting to the age of "now or never" and we just went through a miscarriage (which he was nervous, but excited about).  I am a totally wreck. 35 years old and wondering when the hell my husband will every be ready, if at all.

I think we both need counseling.  Me - because I really need to understand why I want a kid so much now.  Him - because he had a bad relationship with his parents and negative view from how he was raised which is making him concerned he won't be a good father.  He said he is too stressed out right now, and doesn't see how having a kid will be a good "happy" thing for us.  He also said something about not really ever having the "drive to have kids."  wow - I am speechless. 

Now I guess I am looking for advice - has anyone else had this reaction post-miscarriage?  How do I approach this?  I want him to be with me on the decision of having kids.  I don't want to have to convince him that we should, I don't want him to resent me.  It is one thing if we can't have kids because of something physical/medical.  I am very much in love with him still and can see us without kids - but only if mother nature says NO. 

I am lost and slightly heartbroken. 

Lilypie Maternity tickers
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Re: 1 miscarriage at 34yo and ready to try again... hubby is not

  • SaranJonathanSaranJonathan member
    I have no advice but wanted to tell you sorry you are going through this.
    BFP #1 4/6/09; EDD 12/6/09; miscarriage 4/10/09..............BFP #2 5/3/09; DD born 1/9/10........BFP #3 12/15/12, EDD 8/31/13; baby stopped growing at 5w3d; natural miscarriage..........BFP #4 2/8/13, EDD 10/20/13; missed miscarriage discovered 9w2d; d/c.......BFP #5 10/22/13, EDD 7/8/13; miscarriage 10/28/13..... BFP #6 11/19/13; DS born 7/29/14 {\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252 {\fonttbl\f0\fswiss\fcharset0 Helvetica;} {\colortbl;\red255\green255\blue255;\red51\green51\blue51;\red255\green255\blue255;} \deftab720 \pard\pardeftab720\sl280\partightenfactor0 \f0\fs22 \cf2 \cb3 \expnd0\expndtw0\kerning0 \outl0\strokewidth0 \strokec2 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker} {\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252 {\fonttbl\f0\fswiss\fcharset0 Helvetica;} {\colortbl;\red255\green255\blue255;\red51\green51\blue51;\red255\green255\blue255;} \deftab720 \pard\pardeftab720\sl280\partightenfactor0 \f0\fs22 \cf2 \cb3 \expnd0\expndtw0\kerning0 \outl0\strokewidth0 \strokec2 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker}
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  • peanutmusepeanutmuse member
    I think counseling would be an excellent idea for both you and your husband. If you do couples counseling, you can go together but also have individual sessions with the therapist (I speak from experience here). That helped us to be able to get out all of the things that we needed to say to each other and come up with a plan for ourselves. It wasn't related to TTC, it was for some other things before we were married. But it definitely worked, and we still use the tools that we learned in counseling.
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  • smscartozzismscartozzi member
    imagepeanutmuse:
    I think counseling would be an excellent idea for both you and your husband. If you do couples counseling, you can go together but also have individual sessions with the therapist I speak from experience here. That helped us to be able to get out all of the things that we needed to say to each other and come up with a plan for ourselves. It wasn't related to TTC, it was for some other things before we were married. But it definitely worked, and we still use the tools that we learned in counseling.

    This exactly! Counseling is a great idea! You are wise to want to be on the same page before TTC.

    imageimage

     

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  • 1stPuppyLove1stPuppyLove member
    Thanks ladies.  it is nice to have support here, even though our circumstances.  I am sorry anyone has to even deal with these emotions and heartbreak.  Cheers to you all and hugs.
    Lilypie Maternity tickers
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  • Linz-ELinz-E member
    My hubby went through someone like that after our 1st m/c although we werent on a time crunch. It literally devastated me and he said he didnt want to try again right away because he didnt know if he could see me like that again. Honestly, I never even thought about how it had hurt him. Counseling can help. Im sorry for your loss and I hope this is your year :)
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    Natural M/C 1.10 MMC 1.13 CP 12.13
    This is for all the caterpillars that never became butterflies. And for all the butterflies that never felt the wind in their wings. And for all the hearts that had hopes and dreams of a wondrous flight together.
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  • bethLenellbethLenell member

    Also if your hubby is closed minded about seeing someone you should go yourself for a while any ways. I'm seeing a counselor and I think my hubby should, but any time I mention him going he gets defensive and says he's fine most of the time. I think he considers it weak to ask for help. I'm not in the same boat as you because he wants to TTC again but he still needs to heal a bit I think. I know you are in a time crunch but being on the same page is the best idea.

    Good luck and I'm so sorry for your loss!

     

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers



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  • jennyilysejennyilyse

    I understand where you are coming from and it's very difficult feeling like you are at a huge life changing crossroads. I have almost a parallel experience and I made sure he knows Ill be happy with just the two of us but I mentally need to let mother natures decide if that's in the cards for us.  He seems to be Ok with it and I try not to talk about it much or hide if I'm upset when a friend announces she's expecting (that really sets us back as he thinks I'm only wanting one thing to make me happy) 

    It's very difficult when I see my friends husbands on the same page and I wish we were. I want him to want the same things as me with as much intensity but I know that's not always reality. I hope you can find some peace with this and come to an agreement. You have a long history and that in itself says a lot 

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • aessary03aessary03 member
    I am so sorry for your loss and for the frustrating situation you find yourself.  I think counseling sounds like an excellent idea .... that way you two can either find yourself on the same page or you can come to terms with all the emotions you are feeling.  :(  Again, I am really sorry.
    _______________________________________________________________________________________

    Jacob & Audra - married since 05.28.11
    Emma Kate - born 10.16.03 @ 29 weeks, weighed 1lb 13oz and 13.5" long.
    Ozzy Joseph - born 11.01.13 @ 31 weeks, weighed 3lbs 7oz and 16" long.
    TTC #3
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