feeling judged (longish)

CnAnA · January 2013

Mobile: feeling judged (longish)

Short version: I sometimes feel judged for having a c-section.

Full story: I went to an Arbonne party today with my mom. There was a lady there who is due in May. Cute as a stinking bug. You know, that perfect pregnant woman. Not a hair out of place, skinny little frame with this adorable belly sticking out. Fashionable, appears to have lots of energy, etc. You know, THAT woman. LOL Anyway, she was chatting me up about Alice, and we got to talking about babies.

Her plan is cloth diapers. More power to her! I told her that we started out CD, but Alice was a bit small, and her little legs stuck out sideways. Plus it was too hard for me to bend over the changing table long enough to get them on correctly since I had no idea what I was doing. She looked confused, and I told her I had a c-section. Her response? "Oh...ok." She said it with a smile, but it was that "Oh, she failed, isn't that sweet" kind of smile. The smile happened again when I told her we were FF instead of BF.

I asked which hospital here in town she was delivering at. She said "Oh, we are going with a midwife and birthing center. We didn't find one we liked in Anchorage, so we're going out to the Valley." (It's about a 45 min to an hour drive, depending on traffic and what part of the Valley.) I swear her nose raised up a notch when she said it.

I just got the feeling she thought I was less of a woman almost. I'm sure I'm hallucinating, but there it is. I thought about my interactions with other women, and quite a few of them have given me that general vibe.

I certainly don't think I'm a failure because I had a c-section. Alice is here, safe, and perfect. That was the crux of my birth plan. Sure, in a perfect world, my labor was a breeze, I pushed Alice out my vag, she BF like a champ, and we went home with her little butt wrapped in cloth. Things happen. I hate feeling like I have to defend my birthing process.

I suppose there was no real point to this, I just needed to get it off my chest. LOL

Mrschica · January 2013

I'm so sorry she made you feel that way! You are a great woman, and from experience, a csection is no walk in the park. Some people don't understand that by NOT pushing a baby out of our vag, we end up caring for a newborn all while recovering from major surgery: I would like to see her snotty arse do that. Besides, we both know birth plans are for the most part useless, and she will eventually learn that also.

::hugs!:: you are a great woman and a fabulous mom, and don't let anyone make you feel any differently'!

JoNi2010 · January 2013

I'm so sorry that she (and others) made you feel that way. She'll be biting her tongue if she ends up needing a C-section or for some reason needing to FF instead of BF. Before having a kid, it's SO easy to judge. But we all know that afterwards, we can never say never because what you thought you would NEVER do will sneak up on you!

Plus your LO is doing fine - that's the only proof you need that you have and are doing everything right!

CnAnA · January 2013

Thanks guys. I guess the part that bothered me was she was so nice about it! LOL. if she was downright rude, that'd be one thing. But she did everything right. It was not what she said or did, it was how she said and did it, ya know?

MississippiCatfish · January 2013

As someone who had a long labor with a baby that was stuck against her pelvic bone for quite a while, I feel lucky and thankful that I didn't need a csection. It isn't because I did anything right, it's by the grace of God! I could have just as easily had a csection, and I know that it wouldn't have been because I did something wrong. Even if she doesn't see that now, hopefully she will later. And remember, the ladies with those kinds of strict birth plans...well, you know... She just might end up needing a csection too!

numberonemama · January 2013

What a biatch! CS rock and who wants to push a big baby out of something so small anyways! (Can you tell I've hd two CS?)

She'll be in for a rude awakening somewhere down the road...gotta love FTMs. BTW I get side eyed all the time for being a tad crunchy...I don't think we can win either way! Oh and I'm jealous you got to bring A home in cloth...there was no way I could have even pretended to have my sh!t together to be able to do that. I didn't even attempt a CD until a few days home and even then was a little relieved when they didn't fit well yet...;)

hboo2011 · January 2013

Talk to her again after she gives birth. I bet her whole opinion changes. That valley girl snob can suck it.

Mrs_Lady · January 2013

totally screw her man! cs are given for a reason at least at my practice you cant just elect it! major surgery and sent home to care for a new baby and recover? man just ignore her as i do to others who try to act as if by having a cs ur less of a mom or woman.

You are a fabulous mom and damn it CD or diaper the child still needs to be changed and BF or FF the child still needs to eat! Doing any of it MOTN still sucks at times when you have had litttle to no sleep!

moonrose2715 · January 2013

She will eat humble pie someday. Maybe over her birth plan, maybe feeding, maybe something totally different. I've never met a mom who didn't look back and say how naive they were for thinking xyz about having a baby.

NapJunkie · January 2013

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you have to defend your c/s. And I really know how irritating those pregnancy unicorns are. A friend's wife on FB was due last month, and I linked him the "letter to my pregnant, child-less self" because I thought she'd have a good laugh. She replied with such a snarky attitude that I was offended, and I don't get easily offended. When she did have her baby, she posted about how it was a "beautiful, unmedicated EMPOWERING experience" blah blah blah. I felt like she was looking down from her high horse at all of us lesser souls and I wanted to punch her in the babymaker.

Mrs. Ike, know that we don't think you're lame for having a c/s!

CnAnA · January 2013

Ha! Pregnancy unicorns. ::snort::

Thanks again guys. Y'all rock.

cardiganmom · January 2013

People need to step off their high horse, especially those that haven't had kids yet. I hate how much of a competition motherhood is, ugh! Don't feel bad at all, you're doing great as a mom.

kplaxco85 · January 2013

I think everything's rainbows until you're in the thick of it. I had a scheduled section because I had a narrow pelvis. No it wasn't what I planned for 9 months but guess what...it was awesome! Why do you need to push the kid out to have a better expieriance? The only women that still think that don't know the beauty of being checked into the hosp and 45 min later holding your baby AND never feeling a contraction.

That lady should be so lucky as to join the c section club!!!

PixelPosy · January 2013

Eh she'll get her wake up call after baby arrives... I know as a FTM I went into it thinking I had done my research and had this idea of how things will go. Absolutely NOTHING went to plan, and that's what I know to assume now if we have a 2nd.

BTW... we still haven't got out the CD I wanted to "try" and packed so lovingly in the diaper drawer while PG... Mostly because at first she was too small for them, and now that she's finally big enough, it seems like too much hassle to switch during the work week or to deal with them when we're running around on the weekend.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

F*ck em. You and Alice are both awesome. You are no less of a mother than any other mother, no matter how she exited your body or how she is fed. All that matters is that she is here, happy and healthy, and so are you.

I repeat, f*ck em.

bingqilin00 · January 2013

Guh! Did she even ask why the c-section was necessary? Not that it's any of her business, actually. But she probably has no clue that c-sections are medically necessary sometimes. I get it that here in the US probably too many are performed, but that doesn't negate the fact that often times they are completely necessary for the health of the mother and baby. Hang in there!

CnAnA · January 2013

I guess I may be feeling a touch of guilt because I don't know that mine was technically medically necessary. It was 8 hours after my water broke, and she was still in my ribs and I had zero contractions. I suppose I could have waited a while or gotten pitocin or something. But I was told there was a good chance I would end up with a c section anyway. So I chose a csection.

BabyCarryingVessel · January 2013

She will change her tune in a few short months! Feeling like I'm under a microscope 24/7 has been my least favorite part of being a parent, so far. Youre a wonderful mother!

KNemo · January 2013

You never have to defend your birth or feeding choices, and women who try to force the issue are asssholes! I have had 2 c-sections, one emergency and one elective. I have a stash of about 10 different brands of cloth diapers and use sposies. I EBF, but I have had to work through major issues to do so. I find it hilarious when FTMs judge other mother's choices before they ever even give birth. Her life won't be perfect forever. If nothing else, her sweet little pickle will spit up in her perfect hair at least once.

You rock, Ike. Don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise!

CnAnA · January 2013

Nemo, the vision of her getting puke in her hair does make me smile.

CrazyLife3 · January 2013

The best practice is to not talk about it if you don't want to get mad. I have a sister in law that I greatly limit these types of conversations because she is such a one-upper. And she is one of those I-have-no-children-but-Im-an-expert. Besides, vag births have some pretty crazy downfalls, like a stretched out crotch. I wish you would have said to her "good luck with that and the crotch swelling!" That would have shut her up real good.

I got judged by some childless beer drinking 20 year olds at the bowling ally for dragging my three year old off the bowling lane and yelling at him for running around. I did get mad but in the end found it funny that some young ppl with no kids drinking beer on a Saturday afternoon were judging my husband and I for disciplining our child while watching about 10 other kids (my daughters birthday party). If you are going to judge, stop and get your a$$ over here and help me with these kids!

What I am saying is, it is just the beginning of the judging. It will get even worse in school. Be confident in your choices and ignore the comments if you can.

Want a personalized experience?

feeling judged (longish)

Re: feeling judged (longish)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards