any other BMs having this issue?

GirlOn1stAnd10 · January 2013

Our AP are the sweetest, most supportive people I have ever met. My mom and sister are adopted, and our AM gave up a baby in college but can't stay pregnant now so she's adopting. It's nice to have someone to place my daughter with who understands my feelings and emotions. I was blunt in stating that FI and I wanted to play a significant role in her life but not so much that LO would be confused as to who her parents are. We have loosely decided on weekly visits until about 3 months then monthly visits after. To help lessen our burden if not being able to see our child, FI and I are going to individual and couples therapy. Our AM is supportive with us referring to LO as our daughter, and has said that whe she says "our daughter", she is including us in that. I think if the BP and AP have agreed on "terms and conditions" and have no qualms with the others' decisions and feelings that there should be no outsiders coming stepping in to make something out of nothing. A friend of my mom's, as well meaning as she was, really offended me by saying she thought I shouldn't refer to Harlow as my daughter and that I shouldn't be so attached. Am I overreacting, or is this really as rude as I feel it is? What do other BMs and AMs think?

nyki06 · January 2013

I personally think it's ridiculous for someone who isn't you to dictate how you "should" feel. The fact that you are attached to a baby that is growing in your womb is completely normal and to act like it isn't is ignorant.

HouseofLovelock · January 2013

I still call my son's mom his "mom"! Have for the past 5 years, it's totally not weird.

GirlOn1stAnd10 · January 2013

That's essentially what I told her. She has children of her own so I'm not sure how she expects me to not be attached to Harlow when she has gone through the same thing. The bond you have with your child isn't terminated when your rights are.

GirlOn1stAnd10 · January 2013

HouseofLovelock:
I still call my son's mom his "mom"! nbsp;Have for the past 5 years, it's totally not weird.

Thank you! My mom calls her BM and AM mom, and they are both my Grandmas. There is no such thing as too much love for a child, and titles are just titles. The roles people play in your life are so much more important than the names you call them

Dr.Loretta · January 2013

I agree, no one can tell you how you should feel. Of course she's your daughter, and always will be. Just as DD will always be her birth/first mom's daughter. And you can't possibly expect someone to be completely unattached to their own child. Heck, some people are strongly attached to friends or relatives who aren't their children.

Ginger71 · January 2013

I'M sorry you are having to deal with that. People can be so judgemental and it's not appropriate for your mom's friend to comment on how you live your life. I remember having issues with one of my mom's opinionated friends when I was younger. Ugh.

Stay strong and be confident in your decision. Relationships are hard but you and your am sound like you are committed to making it work.

srmmm09 · January 2013

A lot of people are just dumb about adoption. I know that decades ago you may have been "expected" to never see your child again (perish the thought!). People just get things backwards and it's none of her business.

Also, just as a logical conclusion, having no attachment to the child you're currently growing can lead to you doing things that could cause great harm to Harlow. If I hadn't been attached to my birthson, I would've continued smoking. I'm sure this lady would prefer that to you calling your daughter your daughter. *sigh*

/endrant

GirlOn1stAnd10 · January 2013

You'd think with this day and age people would be more accepting of crazy nuclear families and adoption but there are those who will always be closed minded on the issue. I'm not choosing adoption because I don't love Harlow, I'm doing it BECAUSE I love her. This family can give her so much more than I can and I want her to have the best life she can, while still being a part of it. It's just very frustrating when people see adoptions like these and our relationship with our daughter and her new parents as taboo. I greatly appreciate the support and input! Knowing I'm not wrong helps me feel better about my decision.

mmine87 · January 2013

No you arent wrong at all. Im a BM also...And I have gotten so much *** for calling my youngest son, my son. And I also get *** for calling myself mommy yvonne to him. And I had signed a card that I gave him mommy yvonne and adrian [my oldest son] and I got a angry phone call from the adoption agency saying that I am not to call myself his mom, yadda yadda yadda... and he will be confused. He has 2 fathers. Nobody should tell you that its wrong.

GirlOn1stAnd10 · January 2013

Wow, the agency should have no say in how your son addresses you! If his parents have no issue with it, then neither should they.

mmine87 · January 2013

GirlOn1stAnd10:
Wow, the agency should have no say in how your son addresses you! If his parents have no issue with it, then neither should they.

I know. It upset me. And I told the dads that if they didnt have a problem with it then I could keep doing it. I know my boundaries. But as of right now I have ot go through the agency to send packages to them because I dont know their address. So.. yeah.

IRR · January 2013

mmine87:
I got a angry phone call from the adoption agency saying that I am not to call myself his mom, yadda yadda yadda... and he will be confused. He has 2 fathers. Nobody should tell you that its wrong.

This made me smile. I love the fact that he was adopted by 2 dads, but he shouldn't have any MOM. Everyone needs to do what is best for them and when I say them, all involved in the adoption triad. Not the agency, relatives, lawyers etc.

Ginny0211 · January 2013

That is so great that you and the APs have such a wonderful relationship with what appears to be easy communication of expectations and feelings from both sides.

Sorry your mom's friend is adding stress with her comments. It's ridiculous to tell someone they should ignore their love and attachment to their child. And only you can decide how you feel and how much you want to let yourself feel at the moment.

While I was pregnant with my birthson I heard a few clueless comments and even got some nosey questions too! They just don't know any better. I chose to either just pretty much ignore the comment or take it as an opportunity to educate them depending on my mood at the time.

Hope your mom's friend soon understands or maybe she will just have to see and get it once she sees how your relationship with your daughter and the APs evolves in the future. She can see the love and attachment is still there and it's a good thing!

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