Mine and Addison's story (long)

Poppy715 · January 2013

My sweet Addison Rose was born sleeping. I gave birth to her January 4th.

On the 28th of December I had a follow up u/s. At my a/s they weren't able to see everything they needed so they ordered an addition u/s. The results were given to me on the 2nd of January while I was at work. Her amniotic fluid was low and she was measuring very small. The doctor said she wasn't worried and we shouldn't panic because she was measuring in the 15th percentile. 10% and lower is where they consider it dangerous. She scheduled another u/s for the following day to check things out.

I went home and that evening as I laid in bed I thought I had caught the flu from my nephews. I had a pounding headache and was vomiting. I texted my boss I wouldn't make it to work. The next thing I knew I was being woken up in the ICU at a hospital I had never been to. I was tied to the bed with every imaginable cord and tube coming out of me. I was in a great deal of pain which I didn't realize at the time were contractions. My husband told me Addison was gone. I kept grabbing at my stomach because I was in so much pain. They told me it hurt because I had to push to get the baby out. I remember thinking that was the only thing I could do. I had to push as hard as I could, anything to make the pain stop. Addison was born at 9:48 on a Friday morning.

I basically lost almost 48 hours.. I have no memory of anything that happened after I went to sleep the night I got sick. There were no normal warning signs or indications that I had developed Preeclampsia. It progressed straight to Eclampsia which means I had seizures. My husband awoke to me having a seizure while we were sleeping. I had 4 and a minor stroke. I am 25. I was told my blood pressure reached 256 and they could not get it down for many hours. I was in the hospital for almost a week. Two and a half days were spent in the Intensive Care Unit. Even now I don't remember much of the time I spent in the hospital. I was heavily sedated for most of it and on a plethora of medications.

One thing I am so thankful for is the amazing support of all the staff and doctors we encountered at the hospital. It is a terrifying thing to wake up, be told your baby is gone and that they almost lost you too. I'm still trying to put the puzzle pieces together of what happened and the series of events. I will never remember the time spent in the ICU which in itself is a blessing.

We were allowed to have Addie in our room at the hospital for as long as we desired. The nurses took pictures with all our family holding her and imprints of her beautiful feet. She was perfect in every way aside from being so tiny. At 26 weeks she only weighed 1lb 2oz. We were able to bury her in a local cemetery in our town and have a small service with our family. I've always thought something like this could never happen to me or in my life. It's been a struggle to not be angry, blame myself, blame God or blame my doctors. I want to know why this has happened to me and now I am terrified I will only have an angel baby. I feel naive for thinking this could/would never happen to my family.

I will treasure Addison for as long as I live. I've been lurking since I was released from the hospital reading your stories. It's so comforting to know so many of you have gotten through such dark times. Your pain is just like mine but you are here and continuing life. Many of you have gone on to have beautiful babies and are able to watch them grow. I think that is one thing I didn't realize I wanted so badly, to her her cry. When I delivered the whole room was silent. I couldn't hear anything. I hope to find comfort and make many friends here. I truly see now that no one else knows or understands what the loss of a child feels like aside from her parents.

lolee465 · January 2013

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Addison. Your daughter and mine share the same middle name. Like you, this happening to me never even entered my mind as a possibility. It's so hard and so unfair, be easy on yourself. I wish none of us had to go through this pain. ((hugs))

bunnybun4 · January 2013

I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. I think we were both on the April board...I am so sorry to see you over here.

i lost my daughter at 19 weeks, it was absolutely devastating...and something that still shocks me to the core.

your loss is still very, very raw but just know that though you will never forget her and you will always miss her...it does get better. I have my ups and my downs but it really does seem that each week gets a little bit better. all of your feelings of anger are very, very normal and you will go in and out of that for a while...mine has gotten much much better but sometimes it still rears its ugly head.

you have found a great place for support!!!

HUGS!!!

HullGut · January 2013

I am so sorry that your sweet baby Addison passed away. I will be praying for you.

Kelly

mrsneau · January 2013

I am so sorry to have to welcome you here, but you are among friends, we feel your pain and can relate. For me, it doesn't get easier, but I get better at dealing with it if that makes sense. ((HUGS))

lrichmond86 · January 2013

**Ticker Warning**

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Addison. The ordeal that you went through before and during your delivery sounds absolutely horrendous. I also remember how quiet the room was when I delivered my son... it's terrible. I hope that you can find support on this board. They are all wonderful, strong women. Sending my T&P for you and your family for healing.

starburst0928 · January 2013

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl.

I'm glad you were able to make some precious memories with her.

Wanting to blame others or yourself is very normal, especially so soon after your loss. I still go through spells where I think of everything I did that could possibly have made Bradley pass away.

I would encourage you to also find an in person loss group. This board is helpful, but meeting other women in real life is SO beneficial too!

Tigger & pooh · January 2013

I am so sorry for your loss. you have been through something very terrible and scary.

meli1025 · January 2013

*ticker warning*

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl, Addison and for everything you went through. I wish I didn't have to welcome you here, but we all understand your pain and are here for you. Huge ((hugs)) to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

tuscanbride2007 · January 2013

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl, Addison. It's always tough to welcome a new loss mom, but I hope that you can turn to this board when you need us to find comfort and strength.

((HUGS))

Noethola · January 2013

So very sorry for your loss of Addison. For me too, I was devastated that I never got to hear her cry. I hope you can find comfort here as well. T&Ps.

Poppy715 · January 2013

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I will lean on your wisdom and take all the advice I can get.

I went out with my husband and had my first margarita in months. When it came I started crying. My husband knew it was the thing I missed most while I was pregnant. The second I took a drink tears welled up in my eyes. I quietly told my husband I would have given anything to not be able to have that drink tonight.

Even with a few tears from both of us we had a quiet dinner and were able to talk and enjoy each others company. Addie was a topic of conversation here and there but we also covered a lot of other topics and enjoyed our evening. I'm thankful it's now Friday and I can enjoy him being home for the whole weekend, I hope everyone else had a great Friday evening!!

Mine and Addison's story (long)

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