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March 2012 Moms
nunzchucks
member
Am I being unreasonable?
nunzchucks
member
It's ok if I am.
We are hosting DD's 1st birthday at our house on 3/30. We are inviting immediate family only (my parents and sister, MIL/FIL, SIL/BIL/2 kids, BIL/SIL/baby). BIL/SIL are due with their first baby on 3/12.
I sent out a save the date email to everyone yesterday. DH came home and said, "Would you be mad if I email BIL/SIL and tell them if they don't feel like coming, that is ok?" I said, "Yes, I would be upset if they do not come. We had DD's baptism when she was 2 weeks old and went to your mother's 60th birthday party with a bunch of people we don't know when DD was 4 weeks old. I don't see why they wouldn't come unless the baby (God forbid) was ill or in the hospital." DH gets mad and says, "We shouldn't expect them to drive 40 minutes to our house if they aren't comfortable doing it". I said, "You expected me to drive 40 min to your mother's bday and keep DD out from 6-11PM when I didn't want to do that. What is the difference?" DH has no answer and just rolls over and goes to sleep. Me = eyeroll
I told him this morning to send the email because I could see he wouldn't back down and it just wasn't worth the fight. Now everything is fine, but I wish BIL/SIL weren't getting such an easy out. If the situation was reversed, unless we were in the hospital having DD, we would absolutely go to theirs because that is what you do when you have family.
WWYD?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Yes you are being unreasonable. Your husband is right. Just because you would have felt up to going at 2 weeks PP doesn't mean that everyone would.
I assume they will come but I don't think they should feel pressured.
I think there are a lot of factors that could come into play here. In a ideal scenario, by the time it's your DD's bday, they will have gotten into the swing of things and be able to travel to your house for the party. BUT, if your SIL goes past her due date... requires a c-section... has trouble with breastfeeding... struggles with PPD... can't get enough rest because she isn't getting enough help... etc, etc, etc.... then she shouldn't be under pressure to come. Those first few weeks can be so easy for some, but I think for most of us they're extremely emotional and crazy. Especially when it's your first kiddo and you're just figuring everything out for the first time. I understand that you had to go out when you're LO was really little, but I think that should put you in more of a position to be sympathetic, rather than resentful.
I think at this point it was probably too early to tell them they didn't have to come, so I agree with you there. If everything was great by the time it was time for your DD's birthday, I'd probably expect them to be there. Had it been me, I'd have waited until a few days before her b-day, and if BIL and SIL seemed to really be struggling, I'd have given them an out.
This.
I understand where you're coming from, that if she feels up to it she should go. At the same time, everyone is different PP and everyone is different about how they deal with their babies PP and what their LOs should be exposed to.
I felt up to doing a lot the first few weeks after having LO, and I regret how much I did. The long car rides and trips here and there wore me out after a while. I actually wish I would've been given "easy out" to not go to some things, then I would've been in better shape for LO a few weeks down the line.
Fair enough! I needed some perspective from people who aren't so close to the situation. I think you hit the nail on the head...I wish that they weren't getting an out right off the bat.
I've figured it out! I'm actually more annoyed with DH. If SIL and BIL don't come, they don't come. I guess I'm upset that DH would expect me to go while anyone else would get a free pass.
Thanks for the perspective, ladies
Now THIS is reasonable. I definitely agree that he shouldn't have expected that you go, but not expect it of others. He should have given you the option (way back then) to opt out if need be as well. - definitely something to consider pointing out if you guys add to your family again down the line.
I don't think it's necessary for your husband to get involved. If they don't feel like coming, they don't have to come, right? As long as they're polite about it and let you know so you can plan accordingly, wouldn't that be okay? I mean, you know the reason so it isn't like they're just avoiding it to be jerks. It would make me upset if they committed to going and just didn't show up without a word. Ultimately, you want the birthday party to be a happy affair and no should feel like they HAVE to go-- you only want people there that want to be there.
I was one of those people who kept my baby almost exclusively at home until he was almost 8 weeks. I wouldn't have traveled 10 minutes away but other people have no issue taking their kids out right away. I would think it would depend on what the parents are like.
LO #1 3/12
TTC#2 9/12
BFP #2 6/14 ended in CP
BFP #3 12/14
DX CCAM @ 20w
Baby girl EDD 8/22/15
I think your husband is right. if you were in bil/sil' s shoes, you would appreciate the understanding offer and no one knows better than you (who have just been dealing w a small baby) how much work it is to go on these outings .