- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
October 2011 Moms
Scramblersmom
member
"width="200px">
More about my UO (long vent)
Scramblersmom
member
I want to start by saying that I am extremely proud of DH for taking the initiative to do the outpatient treatment all on his own. I actually suddenly feel a lot closer to him again too so it is a good thing. Now for the details/vent...
At first we thought the program was 1 mo. We knew it would be 3 hours a day, 3 days a week, and probably on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. We thought Ok, a bit intensive but it is only for a month, we will manage. Everything was up in the air though until 1 week before they start the program when they sent us a letter with the details. We found out that the program was actually going to be on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday evenings so now DH will miss Kindermusik which was our family night out. Again, it is a bummer but we will manage.
Last night I am talking to DH and I find the letter and see that there is a whole lot more that I was unaware of. DH thought I had read the letter and knew but I didn't. Anyway, the program is for 6 weeks instead of 4. On top of that he is supposed to attend two AA meetings every week plus one private counseling session. Since we live out in the sticks, we are talking about a minimum of 20 hours per week for this program when we include all of the meetings and commute time!
To top it all off, there is an intensive weekend where I am supposed to be there the whole time too. The weekend is 6.5 hours on Friday, 9.5 hours on Saturday and 5 hours on Sunday so I will have to take Friday off of work and our whole weekend will be spent. All I could say was "Holy sh*t, how are we going to do this? We don't even have someone that can watch DS." I will see if my Mom can watch DS during that weekend but I am not optimistic since she won't drive here during winter.
Additionally, DH just got put back on full-time so between his work schedule and this outpatient schedule he isn't even sure if he can find a 2nd AA meeting to attend to meet the requirements. He is going to check and see if he can get by with attending just one meeting. However, we are worried that if he can not locate a 2nd meeting then it may negatively impact his participation in the program.
I have been keeping DS up until past his bedtime because Dh really wants to see him for a little bit when he gets home but now we are having problems getting DS to go to sleep. The pedi wanted us to drop DS's bedtime bottle (his only bottle) which we have been trying to do but last night I said screw it...we will do it later when things calm down again.
Anyway, in the end I think it will be very good but it is just really demanding right now. All I can think is "how in the heck do single Moms do this??". I also remind myself that at least we still have DH at home every night even if it is late so that makes it better than an inpatient program. This program better be damn good or I will be mad at our investment! 
If you read all of this you are a Saint and thank you!
"width="200px">
This discussion has been closed.
Re: More about my UO (long vent)
Burned by the Bear
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but shouldn't the recovery process be intensive? It is a huge life change. It has already been made clear that you guys can't do it on your own, so it's not like dabbling in an outpatient program would do the trick. It needs to be a full time commitment.
Seriously? You're complaining about it being inconvenient?
I am not complaining about it being inconvenient at all. I am just saying that we were not prepared for the additional things that were going to be included in the program. When the program was first discussed with DH we were told that it was 3 hours a day, 3 days a week for a month. We were not expecting all of the additional requirements and they were a surprise for us. We also do not have any child care for the intensive weekend when I need to be there. I also never said anything about "dabbling" in the program. If there are not 2 AA meetings he can attend when he is not at work or the other outpatient meetings then what are we supposed to do...make up an imaginary meeting?
I also never said that we were not committed to the program. The only thing I said was "Holy sh*t how are we going to do this and what are we going to do with DS". As I said, we will manage and get through the 6 weeks and it will ultimately be good but we are also undergoing a major adjustment period.
What Mack said.
Recovery is about confronting the parts of yourself that are broken, and that goes for the people who enable as well. It is not an easy, quick, or pretty thing. You have to change the way your entire brain and life and outlook are wired. So yeah, that's probably going to affect the schedule you created while YH was using.
I'm not belittling Smit or making fun of her, I'm being honest. If she can't handle the things I'm saying she better toughen up quick. Recovery isn't about tiptoeing around people's feelings.
I sincerely hope that your family heals from this Smit, and find a way to make those meetings work because they are important.
I agree with DH going through treatment and I have not said anything to him at all that is possibly negative hence why I was venting here.
This morning when I posted my UO I was extremely stressed about how we were going to manage this. On a day to day basis it is easier to have DH's IQ fall by half after 8 PM than it is to have our whole life in a sudden upheaval when we have so much other stuff going on including my health issues.
That doesn't mean that I am not supportive of him doing this; I support him 100% and will figure out a way to make this work. I also realize that if DH stays an alcoholic that it significantly increases the chance that DS will become an alcoholic. I also realize that if my DH keeps drinking that my son will possibly end up with a deceased father. I also realize that in the long run this program may be the start to a much better life for us all.
However, I still don't think it is unreasonable of me to vent that the program admins told us it would involve 3-3hr sessions per week for a month versus 3-3 hr session per week for 6 weeks, plus 2 AA meetings, plus additional counseling meetings, plus an intensive family weekend which requires me to take off work, etc. It would have been nice to know about the additional requirements in advance so we could plan better rather than be hit with all of this at once.
Super, thanks for backing me up on this. I really can't believe how cold some people are.
ETA: I can't even leave DS in daycare late on the Friday session since I have to pick him up before the Friday session ends. I am hoping I can find someone willing to watch him so we can focus on DH for those 3 days rather than trying to be involved in the session while chasing around a bored toddler.
That is a very good question about Al-Anon. I have considered it but have chosen not to take that route at this time although I am leaving it open as an option. I am going to individual counseling though so I can address other issues (career-family balance and living with a chronic illness) as well as dealing with DH. This has been helpful so far but again I am still keeping Al-Anon as an option. I do greatly appreciate you bringing it up!
ETA: Mackalien, I am so glad that program worked so well for your step Mom! I hear it is a fabulous program and that is very nice that she is now helping others.
Pear, that comment was indeed aimed at you. I wrote my UO then tried to explain in this post what was going on. Your posts make it appear that you see everything in black and white. My world is not like that. I can be 100% supportive of my husband getting treatment while being extremely frustrated (internally) that his treatment is putting more strain on us. I can honestly say that it is easier putting up with a dork after 8 PM than trying to squeeze more into an already hard to manage schedule. I can say that and still feel with absolutely certainty that he is doing the right thing and doing what needs to be done for his sake and the sake of his son.
In regard to your statement that if I can't take your comment then I need to toughen up...I find this to be a naive statement considering that you know very little about me. If you have not walked in my shoes then you really can not make a correct assessment of what I am going through or what I have been through. You also can not make a correct assessment of my "toughness".
Pear, it is one thing to be blunt and state your opinion but it is a completely different thing to be completely snide to someone going through a rough period. In all honesty I can not recall any posts from you that have been of the former rather than the latter. I only hope that you are not like this to your friends IRL as people tend to find it difficult to give sympathy or assistance to those unwilling to provide it in return.
My sincerest thanks and appreciation to everyone that read my post and provided encouragement and support! I really do appreciate being able to vent because I definitely don't want DH to get anything but absolute support from me.
DH called on his break and told me he found a 2nd AA meeting to attend and it is actually in our tiny little town so he won't even have to commute for that one! It is such a relief that he was able to work that out. He will miss it this week since he is at the other meeting tonight but he will be able to make it the remaining weeks.
I am definitely reconsidering doing Al-Anon after everyone's suggestions. I can't handle it during these next 6 weeks with the over filled schedule but I will look into finding one around here to try out immediately after the 6 weeks is up.
Thanks again for reading my vent and providing so much support! I wish you all the best too!
Now, for the dummy that is me... Why is it crucial he goes to two meeting a week? Are they otherwise not keeping him in the program?
Fwiw, I cannot see how a flippant comment, your UO was really just that, warrants this sh!tshow. I mean, really?
Where can you went like this if not here?
Come on, ladies. If she wasnt supportive of her husband getting clean, there is a lot she could do to sabotage it. Venting is not one of them. Wondering if it really has to be THIS hard and ThAT time consuming is not showing she doesn't support his recovery. If she cannot type it out here, where else? Honestly, I know a lot of people here have gone through periods of being alone with their kids, be it through deployment or whatnot. But really, it is not easy and it is not the same for everyone. Six weeks of being solely responsible for the kiddo can be very long, especially if you are not well. I do live with a chronic illness myself and I know that it terrifies me that I could be alone with the kids when I flare up.
Smit, I have little experience with rehab programs, especially in the US. I do have a completely dysfunctional family, a lot of alcoholism, a crazy azz mother with depression issues, a borderline syndrome SiL and a few other lovely things, next to a frucked up childhood. If you feel that qualifies me, feel free to msg me. Or if you just want to talk. I am happy to listen. Seems to me like you could use someone who listens to you for a change. I am happy to be that person if you would like me to be.
This exactly. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I'm sure it's tough. I understand your need to vent, and I know that doesn't meant you don't support it. I think some of the above comments were uncalled for. I truly hope things work out for you guys! I will be thinking about you and can vent to me anytime.
DS born Oct. '11
TTC #2 with PCOS since Nov. '13
Dx: Low Progesterone (3.3) on 8/12/14
Waiting for RE appointment on 10/28/14
Surprise BFP on cycle 12 -- 10/19/14!
EDD July 1, 2015
4 Clomid cycles BFN's,3 injectible cycles BFN, 3 failed IUI's
Hystroscopy to remove cysts 11/2010
IVF #1 with ICSI Graydon Dane born Oct. 23, 2011 via c-section at 38 weeks.
Surprise BFP 10/9/12. Blighted ovum at 8wks. D&C 11/1/12.
Surprise BFP#2 TWINS!!! Boy/Girl twins.
Thank you all so very much! Your kind comments are bringing tears to my eyes and I feel very supported by you all! Thanks for giving me a place to vent and for being so kind to me.
Nita, you are definitely qualified and I am so sorry that you have to deal with so much too. Thanks for offering to lend an ear through PM if I need it and please PM me if you need an ear too! You really identified another stressor with all of this as I have been worried if I can physically manage every day without DH providing his usual back-up. For example, at Kindermusik I get to a point where my body just won't let me pick up or hold DS anymore and I have always had DH to turn to and tell him "its your turn!". We won't have that for these weeks but we will still go to Kindermusik and do the best we can. So, far it has been perfectly fine and I am very thankful for that.
I have no idea why they are requiring the 2 AA meetings on top of everything else. I would imagine that it is to provide support and reinforcement when they are not in their intensive meetings. I can also imagine that we are not the only ones that had trouble finding meetings to attend that don't interfere with work and the other meetings. I was really concerned that if he couldn't find a 2nd meeting that they might kick him out of the program and that is something we absolutely didn't want to happen. Luckily that one has been resolved!
Thanks again everyone for all of your support! I will keep you all updated as it progresses and please keep your fingers crossed for DH!