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Parenting
Need Some Advice - TL;DR
I'm sorry for how long this is, I just don't know what to do anymore.
My dad has always been a complete narcissist. He will also take any little sickness and blow it way out of proportion to get sympathy and attention and to get out of working. There is a lot of history here, but I won't go into details or this might get even longer.
A little over a year ago he started complaining of back problems or pain and numbness. He went to many different doctors who all said there was nothing wrong with him. He finally found one that said he would do surgery on his back. Afterwards he said there was still too much pain. The doctor couldn't find any reason why, but I guess he decided to do surgery anyways. My dad told me his dr. said that the first surgery needed correction. However, once they went in, there was nothing wrong. Meanwhile, he is on heavy narcotics to relieve the pain. He is also now completetly disabled. He was a truck driver. He is also trying to claim workers comp for this. There is a whole lawsuit in process. He has also found a dr. who will now prescribe him medical marijuana and he is stoned every day.
At this point I think my dad is a heavy drug addict. That combined with his narcissism has been a recipe for disaster. He will call day after day with hours long conversations that lead nowhere. I have a stressful job and a toddler to care for. I don't have time for the calls. So, now he has called my DH and kept him on the phone for over an hour at his work today.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. He is my dad. I love him and want to be there for him, but I can't do this with him anymore. I can't have a rational conversation with him about anything because he is on drugs. Even if I did get through to him he would forget by the next day. That coupled with the fact that I don't know the real extent of his medical issues is just killing me. If something happens to him I don't know if I will be able to forgive myself for brushing him off. Does anyone have any advice for something like this?
He lives 6 hours away and is married, but his wife and I don't really talk. There is a bit of a language barrier there.
TTC#2 since December 2010. HSG and bloodwork all good. SA results not so good. Unmedicated IUI#1 6/19/2012 - BFN
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Re: Need Some Advice - TL;DR
Also, pain makes sane people act crazy. I imagine as a truck driver he could have chronic pain.
That being said, if he is abusing drugs and a toxic person in your life limit contact with him. Tell him you would like to help but until he helps himself there is nothing you can do.
The problem is that he isn't remembering our conversations or even realizing it's only been a day since the last time we have talked. It is drug related as I was at his house during the holidays and was able to see the amount of drugs he is taking and smoking.
But you do rememeber and can not answer the phone unless he calls at the right time. Or do what I did pick up the phone and say "oh hey dad it's not a good time let me call you back. I love you." and then hang up.
Im sorry your dealing with this. It sucks when someone you love is hurting and you can't really help. Has he done any physical therapy for the pain?
You guys are right and I will try that.
He has done physical therapy for the pain. The company he worked for is having him go through numerous tests and has sent him to different dr.'s to try to figure out the problem. So, at least the good thing about that lawsuit is that maybe they will find out what is wrong.
I would tell him exactly what you wrote here when he calls. (I c&ped, but changed your pronouns.)
You are my dad. I love you and want to be there for you, but I can't do this with you anymore. I can't have a rational conversation with you about anything because you are on drugs. You aren't remembering our conversations or even realizing it's only been a day since the last time we have talked.
Maybe write it down so you can say the same thing each time. Then end with the "I love you and we'll try to talk later."
I am tearing up, but thank you. I think that I do need to say these words to him. He needs to know that he has gone beyond the point of medical care and into abuse of his medication. Maybe he does know and hearing it will somehow help.
My mother was addicted to pills for as long as I can remember and I can relate to what you're going through. She passed away last year from an accidental overdose (or suicide- we'll never know).
She had Multiple Sclerosis so her pain was very real, but exacerbated by the pills, alcohol, and 3 pack a day cigarette habit. She would loose grip on reality, fly into rages, get belligerent, act like a child, and just stopped making sense. Without going into a long story, here's what I would do now that I have the terrible clarity of hindsight.
If you're busy, tell him you'll call him back, but call him back. You can make the time. Don't indulge him but make sure he knows you love him. Take a time and listen to his ramblings every once in a while. Tell him how you feel during the rare moments of clarity and maybe it will get better. I spent so many years being so angry at my mom, but now I just wish I would have listened to her more.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for what you have gone through.
There is a lot of history with my dad that I won't really go into, but I understand that feeling of being angry and it scares me at times because I don't want to lose him and have the angry memories. Thank you for those thoughts on it.
My uncle drove truck, and it really, really does F up your back, big time. So it's not out of the question your father did/does have some serious back damage. Chronic pain isn't fun to deal with, and medical marijuana actually can help alleviate symptoms.
The key really is for you to set your terms of how and when you interact with your father. I would recommend not taking calls from him when you are at work, or if you feel you have to just in case of emergency, set a false time limit and say you have a "meeting" or "conference call". You need to set boundaries while not necessarily cutting him out of your life entirely. You also need to accept he's an adult who will make his own medical decisions. As long as he's not asking you for money you just have to let him make his own way.
You know, I was actually happy when he told me about the medical marijuana because I thought he was going to get off the pills. I think the problem is the mixing of the two. He is on some heavy duty prescription pills (various kinds) along with the marijuana.
eta - He also just does have a problem with the pot, honestly. Prior to the required drug testing for truck drivers my dad smoke every day from the time he was a teenager. It's just what he did and what he wanted to do after he retired anyways.
This is good advice.
I understand that it can be hard for you or your DH to get off the phone with him, but there's no need for you to be kept on the phone for hours daily. Like Spooko said, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Set limits for yourself, even if he won't remember them. If you want, let him talk to you for hours about nothing once a week (or less), but other times cut the conversation short or don't answer the phone at all.
I would like to add that your feelings on your dad's actions matter. Your feelings matter.
It took me 30 years of dealing with my dad's alcoholism before I got the courage to put my feelings first. If he was sober and lucid, fine. If he was drinking, I was having none of it.
The relief that I finally gained by saying to myself -enough- was palpable.
He's a grown man, and it sounds like he genuinely needs help. But you are not the one who can help him. Not with this. Keep yourself healthy, and when he is ready to have a healthy relationship with you, you will be able to accept that.